NIGHT – SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA – NONDESCRIPT OFFICE BUILDING INTERIOR
[The camera pans across an empty and dimly lit office brimming with cubicals as free-use holiday music plays softly in the background. The camera stops on the only illuminated desk, where an extremely pale but handsome young man in a Santa hat sits fast asleep, clutching a half empty bottle of low-mid grade budget brand bourbon with a note taped to it. The camera zooms in enough such that the text on the note becomes visible.]
COURTESY OF DOOR FLIES OPEN CORPORACIÓN. ALL GIFTS TAXED AT RECIPIENT’S EXPENSE. – DTZM
[The camera holds steady on the sleeping man for a moment, before he stirs, causing the bottle to fall and loudly clank on the floor. The man leaps to his feet, suddenly wide awake.]
LOW COMMANDER OF THE SUPER SOLDIERS: Hello! And Merry X-Mas to you there! My name is Low Commander, and as you can see, I was the only one who, uh, volunteered to work tonight, courtesy of my… [Grits teeth] wonderful boss. I’m sure this had absolutely nothing to do with me briefly going to work for Sony on the new Venom movie, before quitting in disgust over the new Venom movie and then being rehired here, at severely reduced pay, of course.
[Under breath] Sim-BYE-YOte?! Are you fucking kidding…?
Anywhooo, I have a treat for your folks tonight. The brain trust here at DFO has gone to great lengths to bring you the finest #content that a $12 budget can supply! In that, I was, uh, tasked to roam the depths of San Diego County Credit Union Stadium in search of everyone’s favorite yellow foam-headed Elder God in the hopes that he would perform some of his favorite Xmas classics and pray that he didn’t grind my bones into dust for use in the field’s chalk lines. It’s a good thing Spare Tire Teddy was with me, and was really willing to grind out those $12, because without further ado, I bring you, BOLTMAN GROUP Presents: A DFO X-Mas.
♫ “RED X-MAS” set to the music of “White X-mas” ♫
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WO-J5xLqXc
Just like the ones in San Diego
To hear the sleighing of my foes
With every X-Mas card I write
May your days be numbered ahead
And may all your X-Mases be red
Just like the ones in San Diego
Where the fish tacos glisten and Charged Ones listen
To hear the removal of the heretics toes
Upon the skin of the damned I write
May it take a millennium to count the dead
And may all your X-Mases be red
Here we come a-drankin’
Time for a beer run!
Here we coma a-stumblin’
You promised this would be fun.
May bourble come to you
And to you some malty brews
And GAMBLOR bless you and send you
Money for beer
And GAMBLOR send you another beer!
*We are not #upforwhatever
That care not what for!
But we are bitter neighbo(u)rs
Whom continue KSK’s lore!
Schadenfreude through and through
And to you a drunk X-mas too
And GAMBLOR bless you and send you
Money for beer
And GAMBLOR send you another beer!
Here comes your parlay! (x4)
(Back to * x1)
Oh ask the Iguana of this Mart
For all his stock…
(WE’RE GONNA DRANK YOUR BEER)
We’ll loot the back of the store and away we’ll all sing
No misdemeanors upon you
And to you a drunk X-mas too
And GAMBLOR bless you and send you
Money for beer
And GAMBLOR send you another beer!
(‘nother beer)
GAMBLOR send you another beer!
NEXT ROUND’S ON THE OVER, FOLKS!
♫ “BOLTMAN IS COMIN’ TO TOWN” set to the music of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” ♫
I’m pounding this stout, we’re all gonna die
BOLTMAN is comin’ to town
He’s gonna come and take your spleen
BOLTMAN is comin’ to town
He’ll come for you when you’re awake
He knows if you give the Spanoi cash
And he’ll turn you into a steak
I’m pounding this stout, before we all fry
BOLTMAN is comin’ to town
Riffy riff riffs while removing your thumbs
BOLTMAN is comin’ to town
He’ll come for you when you’re awake
He knows if you give the Spanoi cash
And how many bones he’ll break
I’m pounding this stout, we’re all gonna die
BOLTMAN is comin’ to town (x3)
♫ “Drinking Beer” set to the music of “Jingle Bells” with assistance from San Diego City Beat ♫
Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day.
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
Until puke starts to spray.
Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
On San Diego Bay—hey!
Dashing through the crowd
At the latest craft beer fest
Drunkards getting plowed,
Isn’t this the best?
From Second Chance to Stone,
All my faves are here
What fun it is to sip and drank San Diego beer!
Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
On San Diego Bay—hey!
Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day.
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
Until puke starts to spray.
Dashing through the crowd
At the latest craft beer fest
Drunkards getting plowed,
Isn’t this the best?
From Culver to Pure,
All my faves are here
What fun it is to sip and drank San Diego beer!
Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day.
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
Until puke starts to spray.
Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
On San Diego Bay—hey!
[Rockin’ solos]
(2x)
Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
On San Diego Bay—hey!
Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day.
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
Until puke starts to spray.
♫ “ELECTRIC DRUMMER GOD” set to the music of “Little Drummer Boy” ♫
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri,
Ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri,
Ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri,
Ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri,
https://youtube.com/watch?v=v-a2jZ2Al64
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkrpvCs-kfE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHX4IJHtorI
As I watch Hallmark Christmas movies, I can’t help but wonder, do most white people have a bajillion traditions to conduct before Christmas? These people are fucking obnoxious with their 15 steps they must complete before they are content with Christmas.
Yes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrVKSKQKO1c
Yeah of course.
Having lived with Roommate Commander for over 3 years now, the answer is apparently yes.
Loved this post at 9am and at 9pm. Well done LC
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y__tczZDkTo
Evergreen
As true today as it was written.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPPCPqDINEk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8MqF7xEGhs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_3HLtW8mCw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EznGGYQ-Tv8
Guess how much fat I trimmed away from my Christmas ham.
None is the correct answer.
Just got home. This is amazing, Low Commander. May Boltman make all your Xmas wishes come true by horribly killing about 23% of the world’s population.
Someone’s been reading my dream journal.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HIPJrrQlxzY
HA! Joke’s on them. I didn’t date in college.
Listening to and reading the accompanying pamphlet of the only Xmas gift I got this year, from a good friend who knows my obsession, the 4 CD Tom Petty collection that came out this fall. Man it is so sad that guy is gone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux-RDvSHcI0
Is there an A380 version?
Of course.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Rt9zX1rZFU
Nice.
Model people will steal all the gold out of this model airplane.
That was a great, terrible movie!
Man, flying model planes have changed a whole lot since I was a kid.
Current mood:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=TyWVaZsUQjc
I really like that vest.
Just got home and my head is still killing me. I apparently ran out of weed last night (SOMEHOW) and will need to seek other remedies.
Cousins who play acoustic guitar and just fucking love to sing carolls for hours at a time are invading my parents house tomorrow, and I need to be medicated out of my gourd in order to survive that.
This rum is not getting me sufficiently drunk. I blame Don T.
Are you buttchugging it?
https://youtube.com/watch?v=DeEJGw9mbTM
Love Weird Boltman Yankovic.
A10 Hog or GTFO.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHum4v-0res
Holy crap, that’s a lot of ordnance.
Get it? Holy crap?
OH COME ON!!!!!!
Piekakke!
Great British Baking Show? Great British Baking Show.
The Tomateros are up 3-0. Something happened cuz a strikingly handsome fella had to leave and they brought a fat guy out of the bullpen?!? to pinch run. There are no numbers on the back of the jerseys which is strange. With all the advertisements it makes them look like Nascar drivers.
Told you Culiacán was a good betting choice!
Convair B-58 Hustler
I think I’ve posted this before, but this is one of only 8 surviving Hustlers, and is the one I drive by twice a day as it sits across the street across from the AF Civil Engineer HQ at the former Kelly AFB.
A little slow tonight. What, are you all playing with your toys?
In honor of Boltman here’s some famous Convair products, straight out of San Diego.
The Convair Charger
I am gambling on Mexican winter League beisbol. So it is a slow evening.
I played with my toy earlier tonight.
Also discovered a new porn genre…
Do I dare ask?
“Los Consoladores”
“. . . a windmill with a hole-in-one”
Benwa?
No whiskey and no beer in this house. I have resorted to rum mixed with cream soda and ice cream.
I didn’t think cream soda still existed.
Running is never the answer, son.
Fixed. The gall of my phone autocorrecting ANYTHING to run….
There are very attractive cheerleaders for Pacifico League beisbol. I don’t have a problem.
Remember, you don’t have a problem until you go to one of them meetings!
I would fucking love to go to a beisbol game in Mexico.
Wonder if there are tamale guys like at Lil Jerry’s cockfights?
Affirmative.
So I just discovered that the drain from the shower in the guest bathroom is leaking, and has now soaked through the drywall in the ceiling of the kitchen. Hoo-fucking-ray.
Just beautiful stuff Commander/BOLTMAN!
You’re devilish when it comes to music
found a funny:
Wife: Why would you name the christmas decorations, it’s dumb
Me: please show Wreatha Franklin some r-e-s-p-e-c-t
Balls, I am gambling on Mexican baseball Culiacan or Mazatlan? I assume both are heavily funded by the cartels.
Culiacán has a stronger cartel game. I’d bet on them.
I did. They are up 3-0. I found a stream easily.
Finally got around to watching “The Foreigner” and hoooooooooooly shit is Distraught Kung-Fu Rambo Jackie Chan ever my jam. It’s so, so good.
Al Bundy would approve.
A Die Hard marathon on IFC hosted by Reginald VelJohnson? How was I not informed of this?!
I had no idea either. Turning on now.
I’m sure that damn Urkel screwed something up.
This was awesome!
So what’s everyone’s Christmas Dinner. In our household, we’ve decided to go non-traditional to make things easier: Homemade Pizza.
Christmas Eve was Turkey, etc.
Tonight was a ham.
Now I just want these people to go home.
Clog up the toilets. Its your only hope.
Waffles, Tater tots, and bacon for dinner.
Some pizza and cup of noodles!
I also had a homemade (cheeseless) sausage pizza. My kids also brought be some (mother-made) cornbread home from my sister’s undercooked turkey dinner.
/they are currently eating Sheetz food
This seems like a good bra.
This one seems fine also….
Ma’am.