BOLTMAN GROUP Presents: The Sounds of X-Mas Night Open Thread

NIGHT – SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA – NONDESCRIPT OFFICE BUILDING INTERIOR

[The camera pans across an empty and dimly lit office brimming with cubicals as free-use holiday music plays softly in the background. The camera stops on the only illuminated desk, where an extremely pale but handsome young man in a Santa hat sits fast asleep, clutching a half empty bottle of low-mid grade budget brand bourbon with a note taped to it. The camera zooms in enough such that the text on the note becomes visible.]

COURTESY OF DOOR FLIES OPEN CORPORACIÓN. ALL GIFTS TAXED AT RECIPIENT’S EXPENSE. – DTZM

[The camera holds steady on the sleeping man for a moment, before he stirs, causing the bottle to fall and loudly clank on the floor. The man leaps to his feet, suddenly wide awake.]

LOW COMMANDER OF THE SUPER SOLDIERS: Hello! And Merry X-Mas to you there! My name is Low Commander, and as you can see, I was the only one who, uh, volunteered to work tonight, courtesy of my… [Grits teeth] wonderful boss. I’m sure this had absolutely nothing to do with me briefly going to work for Sony on the new Venom movie, before quitting in disgust over the new Venom movie and then being rehired here, at severely reduced pay, of course.

[Under breath] Sim-BYE-YOte?! Are you fucking kidding…?

Anywhooo, I have a treat for your folks tonight. The brain trust here at DFO has gone to great lengths to bring you the finest #content that a $12 budget can supply! In that, I was, uh, tasked to roam the depths of San Diego County Credit Union Stadium in search of everyone’s favorite yellow foam-headed Elder God in the hopes that he would perform some of his favorite Xmas classics and pray that he didn’t grind my bones into dust for use in the field’s chalk lines. It’s a good thing Spare Tire Teddy was with me, and was really willing to grind out those $12, because without further ado, I bring you, BOLTMAN GROUP Presents: A DFO X-Mas.

♫ “RED X-MAS” set to the music of “White X-mas” ♫

I’m dreaming of a red X-Mas
Just like the ones in San Diego
Where the palm trees glisten and children listen
To hear the sleighing of my foes

 

I’m dreaming of a red X-Mas
With every X-Mas card I write
May your days be numbered ahead
And may all your X-Mases be red

 

I’m dreaming of a red X-Mas
Just like the ones in San Diego
Where the fish tacos glisten and Charged Ones listen
To hear the removal of the heretics toes

 

I’m dreaming of a red X-Mas
Upon the skin of the damned I write
May it take a millennium to count the dead
And may all your X-Mases be red

♫ “Here We Come A-drankin'” set to the music of “Here We Come A-wassailing ” ♫

Here we come a-drankin’
Time for a beer run!
Here we coma a-stumblin’
You promised this would be fun.

May bourble come to you
And to you some malty brews
And GAMBLOR bless you and send you
Money for beer
And GAMBLOR send you another beer!

*We are not #upforwhatever
That care not what for!
But we are bitter neighbo(u)rs
Whom continue KSK’s lore!

Schadenfreude through and through
And to you a drunk X-mas too
And GAMBLOR bless you and send you
Money for beer
And GAMBLOR send you another beer!

Here comes your parlay! (x4)
(Back to * x1)

Oh ask the Iguana of this Mart
For all his stock…
(WE’RE GONNA DRANK YOUR BEER)
We’ll loot the back of the store and away we’ll all sing

No misdemeanors upon you
And to you a drunk X-mas too
And GAMBLOR bless you and send you
Money for beer
And GAMBLOR send you another beer!
(‘nother beer)
GAMBLOR send you another beer!

NEXT ROUND’S ON THE OVER, FOLKS!


♫ “BOLTMAN IS COMIN’ TO TOWN” set to the music of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” ♫

You better watch out, you probably should cry
I’m pounding this stout, we’re all gonna die
BOLTMAN is comin’ to town

 

He made a list, that starts with Dean
He’s gonna come and take your spleen
BOLTMAN is comin’ to town

 

He sees you when you’re sleepin’
He’ll come for you when you’re awake
He knows if you give the Spanoi cash
And he’ll turn you into a steak

 

You better watch out, there’s no point to try
I’m pounding this stout, before we all fry
BOLTMAN is comin’ to town

 

With air guitars and femur drums
Riffy riff riffs while removing your thumbs
BOLTMAN is comin’ to town

 

(2x)
He sees you when you’re sleepin’
He’ll come for you when you’re awake
He knows if you give the Spanoi cash
And how many bones he’ll break

 

You better watch out, you probably should cry
I’m pounding this stout, we’re all gonna die
BOLTMAN is comin’ to town (x3)

Image via

♫ “Drinking Beer” set to the music of “Jingle Bells” with assistance from San Diego City Beat

Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day.
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
Until puke starts to spray.

Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
On San Diego Bay—hey!

Dashing through the crowd
At the latest craft beer fest
Drunkards getting plowed,
Isn’t this the best?

From Second Chance to Stone,
All my faves are here
What fun it is to sip and drank San Diego beer!

Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
On San Diego Bay—hey!

Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day.
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
Until puke starts to spray.

Dashing through the crowd
At the latest craft beer fest
Drunkards getting plowed,
Isn’t this the best?

From Culver to Pure,
All my faves are here
What fun it is to sip and drank San Diego beer!

Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day.
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
Until puke starts to spray.

Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
On San Diego Bay—hey!

[Rockin’ solos]

(2x)
Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
On San Diego Bay—hey!

Drinking beer, drinking beer,
Drinking all damn day.
Oh, what fun it is to slosh
Until puke starts to spray.


♫ “ELECTRIC DRUMMER GOD” set to the music of “Little Drummer Boy” ♫

When they summoned me
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri

A whole new world to see
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri

I have two gifts to bring
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri

To slay and sing
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri,
Ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri,
Ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri

And to end you all
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri
When I come

Little Dean-y
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri

I am your undoing
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri

I come to flay your skin
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri

And devour your kin
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri,
Ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri,
Ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri

Shall I play on you
L’ ymg’ lllln’gha nilgh’ri,
When you’re my drum
When you’re my drum
When you’re my drum

I will play on you
Right. Now.

Merry X-mas, you filthy animals.
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.
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Brick MeathookLow Commander of the Super SoldiersUnsurprisedALXMACWakezilla Recent comment authors
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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ALXMAC
ALXMAC

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

Wakezilla

As I watch Hallmark Christmas movies, I can’t help but wonder, do most white people have a bajillion traditions to conduct before Christmas? These people are fucking obnoxious with their 15 steps they must complete before they are content with Christmas.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

Yes.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Yeah of course.

Game Time Decision

Loved this post at 9am and at 9pm. Well done LC

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Evergreen
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ALXMAC
ALXMAC

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

yeah right

Guess how much fat I trimmed away from my Christmas ham.

None is the correct answer.

SonOfSpam

Just got home. This is amazing, Low Commander. May Boltman make all your Xmas wishes come true by horribly killing about 23% of the world’s population.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

HA! Joke’s on them. I didn’t date in college.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Listening to and reading the accompanying pamphlet of the only Xmas gift I got this year, from a good friend who knows my obsession, the 4 CD Tom Petty collection that came out this fall. Man it is so sad that guy is gone.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Is there an A380 version?

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Of course.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nice.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Senor Weaselo

Model people will steal all the gold out of this model airplane.

Col. Duke LaCross

That was a great, terrible movie!

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Man, flying model planes have changed a whole lot since I was a kid.
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Current mood:

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I really like that vest.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

This rum is not getting me sufficiently drunk. I blame Don T.

blaxabbath

Love Weird Boltman Yankovic.

theeWeeBabySeamus

A10 Hog or GTFO.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Holy crap, that’s a lot of ordnance.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Get it? Holy crap?

OH COME ON!!!!!!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Piekakke!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Great British Baking Show? Great British Baking Show.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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tomsellecksmoustache
tomsellecksmoustache

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litre_cola

The Tomateros are up 3-0. Something happened cuz a strikingly handsome fella had to leave and they brought a fat guy out of the bullpen?!? to pinch run. There are no numbers on the back of the jerseys which is strange. With all the advertisements it makes them look like Nascar drivers.

ballsofsteelandfury

Told you Culiacán was a good betting choice!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Convair B-58 Hustler
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I think I’ve posted this before, but this is one of only 8 surviving Hustlers, and is the one I drive by twice a day as it sits across the street across from the AF Civil Engineer HQ at the former Kelly AFB.comment image

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

A little slow tonight. What, are you all playing with your toys?

In honor of Boltman here’s some famous Convair products, straight out of San Diego.

The Convair Charger
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litre_cola

I am gambling on Mexican winter League beisbol. So it is a slow evening.

ballsofsteelandfury

I played with my toy earlier tonight.

Also discovered a new porn genre…

litre_cola

Do I dare ask?

ballsofsteelandfury

“Los Consoladores”

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

“. . . a windmill with a hole-in-one”
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Benwa?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

No whiskey and no beer in this house. I have resorted to rum mixed with cream soda and ice cream.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I didn’t think cream soda still existed.

ballsofsteelandfury

Running is never the answer, son.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fixed. The gall of my phone autocorrecting ANYTHING to run….

litre_cola

There are very attractive cheerleaders for Pacifico League beisbol. I don’t have a problem.

King Hippo

Remember, you don’t have a problem until you go to one of them meetings!

litre_cola

I would fucking love to go to a beisbol game in Mexico.

Wonder if there are tamale guys like at Lil Jerry’s cockfights?

ballsofsteelandfury

Affirmative.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I just discovered that the drain from the shower in the guest bathroom is leaking, and has now soaked through the drywall in the ceiling of the kitchen. Hoo-fucking-ray.

King Hippo

Just beautiful stuff Commander/BOLTMAN!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You’re devilish when it comes to music

tomsellecksmoustache
tomsellecksmoustache

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rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:

Wife: Why would you name the christmas decorations, it’s dumb

Me: please show Wreatha Franklin some r-e-s-p-e-c-t

litre_cola

Balls, I am gambling on Mexican baseball Culiacan or Mazatlan? I assume both are heavily funded by the cartels.

ballsofsteelandfury

Culiacán has a stronger cartel game. I’d bet on them.

litre_cola

I did. They are up 3-0. I found a stream easily.

Gratliff

Finally got around to watching “The Foreigner” and hoooooooooooly shit is Distraught Kung-Fu Rambo Jackie Chan ever my jam. It’s so, so good.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Al Bundy would approve.

Redshirt

A Die Hard marathon on IFC hosted by Reginald VelJohnson? How was I not informed of this?!

ballsofsteelandfury

I had no idea either. Turning on now.

tomsellecksmoustache
tomsellecksmoustache

I’m sure that damn Urkel screwed something up.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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ballsofsteelandfury

This was awesome!

Redshirt

So what’s everyone’s Christmas Dinner. In our household, we’ve decided to go non-traditional to make things easier: Homemade Pizza.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Christmas Eve was Turkey, etc.
Tonight was a ham.
Now I just want these people to go home.

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Redshirt

Clog up the toilets. Its your only hope.

litre_cola

Waffles, Tater tots, and bacon for dinner.

rockingdog
rockingdog

Some pizza and cup of noodles!

King Hippo

I also had a homemade (cheeseless) sausage pizza. My kids also brought be some (mother-made) cornbread home from my sister’s undercooked turkey dinner.

/they are currently eating Sheetz food

theeWeeBabySeamus

This seems like a good bra.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

This one seems fine also….
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Ma’am.