Oh, kids! I was in a down mood after Sunday’s games and I was looking for something to cheer me up. Bob’s Burgers was good,  as usual,  but it was a repeat.  As I was scanning the guide,  I saw on USA Network the word “Temptation”.

Scrolling to the right, I saw the next magical word: “Island”.

Could it be? Were my eyes deceiving me?

I immediately went on the Internet to verify that what I thought I saw was true. Not only is it true, but Mark L. Wahlberg, the host of the original, is BACK!

Some of you have no idea what I’m talking about. Back in 2001, Fox aired a new groundbreaking show called “Temptation Island”. The premise then was the same as it is now. From the USA Network website:

Temptation Island follows four dating couples at a pivotal time in their relationships, where they must mutually decide if they are ready to commit to one another for the rest of their lives — or go their separate ways.

USA Network

Four couples arrive and then are separated. The women go to one island where they are joined by about 20 young, hard, and fit men. The men also go to their separate island where they are joined by 20 young, sexy, and bikini-clad women.

In 2001, the setting was a couple of tropical islands in Belize and I remember watching this with my friends, making bets about whether the couples would break up or stay together, and cracking jokes about the couples as the show aired. It was a combination of FJM and a Liveblog before those existed.

We would literally meet at someone’s house, bring alcohol, and crack wise. Hence why I bring this Good News to you DFO folks! This show was made for us!

The show lasted three seasons on Fox before it was canceled. However, it did spawn multiple international editions and even a Spanish language edition in the US that aired on Telemundo.

Yes, all four Latino couples broke up. Why do you ask if the sky is blue?

Well, the show has been rebooted and is now airing on USA Network with the original host and concept intact. Here is a short video introduction:

Let’s meet this year’s couples, shall we?

Couple #1

Couple #2

Couple #3

Couple #4

Just looking at the pictures, I’m thinking we’ll have two couples splitting and two staying together. I’ll have further thoughts after I watch the first episode.

Episode 1 Recap

We start out with shots of the couples as they pack for their trip and we have a Texas Butt Squeeze! This show is starting off strong.

Then Mark L comes on and there’s the patented helicopter pullaway shot as he says those famous words, “WELCOME… to Temptation Island!”

In the original show, he spread his arms and the helicopter (probably a drone now) did a 360 around him. Truly a missed opportunity here. They are also now in Maui instead of Belize which means Mark L must have gotten some production tax breaks from the Hawaii Office of Tourism.

The couples are starting to talk and they are mentioning rules. That’s really funny because as Mike Tyson famously said, “Everybody has a plan until they get hit. ” And they’ll be hit in the face with young fit vagina and penis, respectively.

Now the couples are introducing themselves and talking about their relationships. First up: Javen and Shari.

They’re both 25 and have been dating each other since they were 16. Shari is Javen’s only GF. They’re fucked.

Oh, it comes out that Javen cheated on Shari and they’re here as a test. Sorry, Javen, you’re double-fucked.

***

John (35) and Kady (30) have been together for 3 years and met on Bumble. Is that Texas Tinder? I’m honestly surprised it wasn’t Farmers Only Dot Com.

They show footage of them at home and they shoot guns for fun. Of course they do.

The reason they’re here is that Kady likes Country Boys and John is a City Slicker and he says she questions his masculinity every day. That’s not a good sign. He wants her to meet other dudes so she can realize how good HE is. Oh buddy, you’re TRAGICALLY mistaken.

***

Nicole (25) and Karl (31) have been dating for 2 1/2 years and met at the gym while Nicole had a boyfriend. Karl says he has trust issues and thinks that if she dumped her BF for him, she can very well do the same thing to him.

That is very sound logic, Karl, and I would say you are dead on. I say you go find yourself a hot girl on the island and never look back.

***

Kaci and Evan are both 28 and are from LA and are the dorkiest looking couple that has ever stepped foot in LA. I bet you they’re from like Riverside or Corona or something like that and say LA because no one knows Corona is a city as well as a beer.

They’ve been on and off for 10 years (!) and ole Kaci is pushing for a ring. Evan is hesitant because his father cheated on his mother and was killed by the woman he was cheating with.

Understandable.

Also, WTF?!? DAMN GINA!

***

They all sit down at a kickass villa with Mark L for a Welcome Drink and we’ve got some very nice Product Placement. Remember kids, “Freixenet. For when you want to Bang Strange!”

Mark L is talking to the couples but I have no idea what he’s saying because I’m drowning in the pools of his dreamy eyes. Are they blue? Green? Aqua?

The couples talk more about themselves in this group setting and, in my book, Evan and Kaci are officially Dork Couple. Nicole says she’s worried about the age gap between her and Karl and is worried that he’ll find someone he can relate to better.

What she’s really saying is that she thinks she’s too stupid for Karl. I agree.

The Boys will stay in the kickass house and the Girls will go to another villa.

https://youtu.be/8xyUYPYShns

Evan must not have seen the original 2001 show as, somehow, this is surprising to him. He thought they were all going to live in one villa and he would be able to see dudes trying to pick up on his girl.

I think he’s seen too much cuckold porn.

Now everyone goes over to the Girls’ villa and that’s pretty nice too. Mark L says he wants to show them some of the “features” and I have seen the show before and I know that this means the single ladies and men that will be vying for the attentions of the coupled boys and girls, respectively.

Sure enough, a waterfall appears and a door opens and 12 men and 12 women walk out. Maybe I was wrong about there being 20 of each in 2001? Why don’t you see for yourselves?

Nicole, realizing she has made a horrible mistake, says to Karl, “What the fuck? Why did we come here?”

To break up, Nicole, to break up.

All the single men and women introduce themselves and the lines are as cheesy as I remember them! Oh, the puns are delicious.

Allie’s buttcheeks are hanging out and Evan has noticed. He is flummoxed. This is Allie:

Roman is a Southern gentleman and that is not lost on John, who immediately turns to Kady and practically dares her to go after him. This is Roman:

Boy, I’d forgotten how wonderfully catty all the women in this show can be. I’m saying ALL the women, singles AND coupled. They’re sniping at each other in sotto voce but the mics pick it up because Mark L knows where his bread is buttered.

Javen and Shari are arguing already even though Javen is trying to avoid eye contact with the single girls. The other couples are openly laughing at them. They are SO fucked.

I have to say that I’ve missed the dramatic music. That and the opportunistic and manipulative editing (stay tuned for that in future episodes) is what makes me SO happy this show is back.

One bonus is that this time they’re allowing swearing! Evan just said “bullshit” without a bleep. Don’t let anyone tell you we haven’t progressed as a society!

Btw, Shari is a bitch and Javen should just break up with her right now.

The next morning, each villa hosts a cocktail party and the single girls are wearing high heels and tight dresses and early morning cocktail parties are a great idea that only Mark L puts on camera.

I was RIGHT! Evan is talking to Britney from Venice who reminds me of SanDeE with a star at the end from LA Story and he’s from Agoura Hills. I KNEW he wasn’t from LA proper! SanDeE☆ went to Agoura Hills High School, so funny coincidence, huh?

Of course, there are no coincidences as Mark L had told us that these ladies and gentlemen were NOT picked at random but rather specifically chosen to tempt the couples.

Btw, Agoura Hills HS alumni include Heather Graham, Clay Matthews, the founding members of Linkin Park, and Jonathan Lipnicki. Go Chargers!

Here is Britney/SanDeE☆:

I bet you right now TWBS is thinking, “Where the fuck was SHE when I visited Venice?!?”

Karl is taking to Jeffri and she’s wearing something red and Karl says, “Red is my color!” What he really means is that Jeffri’s fake tits that are practically exploding out of her top are his color. Here is Jeffri:

Have I mentioned that Evan is a massive dork?

Ok, the parties are over and once again everyone is at one villa. There is plenty of business to discuss as Mark L is giving the couples necklaces to remind them of their S.O. He also has more necklaces that the couples can place one of the singles to “block” their partner from dating them.

This brings out the smack talk among the women and I LOVE IT!

Mark L offers the blocking necklaces to the ladies first and right away Kady says she wants one. I guess she’s more insecure than I thought! She blocks John from dating Katherine, who seems aggressive and cocky. Nice girl, though. Here she is:

None of the other coupled girls block anyone. Next, Mark L offers the necklace to the boys. As a retaliatory strike, John asks for one and blocks Roman! WTF, John? One minute you are daring Kady to date him and now you’re blocking him?

I may be adding a third couple to the “breaking up” list.

No other dudes block anyone. The singles are sent away and Mark L gives the couples 10 minutes to say anything they want to say to each other as this is the last time they’ll see each other until it’s time to choose and it could be their last time, he says ominously, EVER.

He really knows how to set up the drama.

The couples talk emotionally and meanwhile Shari is bitching at Javen. I really hope they break up. I’m actively rooting for that now.

As the first episode wraps up, the girls speak to the camera about leaving their boyfriends and are crying. Meanwhile, the Boys are saying, “Party Time!” That may just be me projecting, though.

To sum up,

***

Predicciones

Here’s the way I see it:

• John and Kady: Fucked
• Nicole and Karl: Double Fucked
• Shari and Javen: Triple Fucked
• Kaci and Evan: Too Dorky to Break Up

There are ten episodes to this season, so a lot can and will happen. Please join me in this adventure, won’t you? I’ll be writing recaps of every episode and publishing on the Tuesday the next episode airs.

Temptation Island airs every Tuesday (Episode 2 airs TONIGHT!) on USA Network at 10 PM Eastern, 9 PM Central. You can catch up on prior episodes (if you sign in with a cable or satellite account) and see behind the scene clips on the USA Network website: https://www.usanetwork.com/temptationisland

For now, you can apparently see the premiere without logging in. Check it out and let me know what you think in the comments.

(12/69)