Welcome back! I’m renaming these recurring posts Temptation Island Talk because I’m mentally 12 years old and it’s me talking about each week’s episode, so SYNERGY! (May not know what synergy means.)

This week, the couples went on their first dates, there was some serious DRAMA in one of the villas between the singles, and we got our first bonfire!

Oh, I’ve missed those!

Before we get to the recap, let me refresh your memories as to what the couples look like.

Episode 2 Recap

We start off with the standard “Previously… on Temptation Island” and they show a bunch of clips from the last show.

They shot some seriously beautiful sunsets while they were in Maui! If the show doesn’t get picked up for another season, they could easily sell the footage for stock.

The coupled girls are returning from the Goodbye Dinner and discussing how they feel. Kaci is concerned that her dude is in the middle of all these girls and he’s “fricken hot” and they’re going to be all over him. She may be a bit delusional.

Shari admits that she can’t focus on the single guys because of Javen. If she really loves him that much then why did she spend the whole last dinner fighting with him? I think she just misses her punching bag.

The girls get back to the villa and the single boys ask if they want to turn the music up and party or if they want to call it a night. Reluctantly, the girls will put on their pajamas and hang out for a bit. One of the boys, to my delight, says, “Don’t get too excited!”

James, Mr. Smooth Criminal as he describes himself, has his eyes on Shari and tries to talk to her. Most likely, he has his eyes on her ass because really that’s her only redeeming feature.

Meanwhile, in the Boys’ villa, Katheryn says she is most interested in John, who has been blocked from dating her. It’s always the forbidden fruit, isn’t it?

Whoa, Evan does NOT miss Triceps Day! It’s too bad he has raccoon eyes that make him look like Jared Leto’s Joker.

Katheryn asks a loaded question to The Joker and we see that she is definitely the shit-stirrer / troublemaker amongst the single girls. I do not think she will be happy until she tears apart at least two relationships.

Morgan, meanwhile, is either a little too sensitive or there has been some behind-the-scenes catfight that we don’t know about. Those two (her and Katheryn) are very passive-aggressive towards each other. This is Morgan:

It’s the next morning now and they all gather at the Guys’ villa as they will now choose dates! This is a new thing as the last time, the dates were NOT chosen in front of the couples’ partners. Maybe Evan/The Joker requested this to fulfill his cuckold fantasy.

Date Draft Time!

Karl goes first and picks Sheldyn.

Nicole is shocked. Then again, I think a math quiz would shock Nicole.

John picks Hannah.

Katheryn is not happy about it yet Kady seems ok with this choice. Freddy Foreshadowing has made an appearance.

Javen picks Kayla

Shari is blabbering and I can’t be bothered with her. I wonder if Kayla will share her secret chili recipe with Javen?

Finally, The Joker picks SanDeE☆

Kaci says that she is pleasantly surprised and is proud of Evan for making a mature choice. WTF?!?

Now it’s the Girls’ turn to pick dates.

Shari picks James, who’s had his eyes on Shari’s ass and Javen’s reaction is basically, “Good luck, brother!”

Kaci picks Carlos because she likes his dimples and thinks he has the Latin Lover vibe.

Nicole picks Tyler and Karl is not surprised because he knows she likes her chocolate but he is surprised she chose him. Mark L smartly reminds everyone that there are all kinds of flavours of chocolate to choose from. Somewhere, Jason Williams smiles.

Last, but not least, Kady picks Dr. John, who is a chiropractor and might as well be Dr. Nick from The Simpsons.

Mark L asks for reactions and Nicole says that Karl isn’t attracted to Sheldyn which sparks a double-take from Karl. The dates will begin bright and early tomorrow morning.

Back at their respective villas, it’s once again Party Time or at least as much of a party time as you can have when the coupled boys and girls are constantly talking about their partners. If I was there, I’d be like, “Do you want me to play the Frozen soundtrack?”

At the Girls’ villa, the single boys are toasting by themselves because they need to be really wasted to talk to these clingy bitches.

Kady is talking to a dude in the pool and she’s bitching about John being from The City (it’s fucking Dallas, not New York!) and how he’s not manly. Ouch.

Oh, and she apparently has never touched a black man before. Check one thing off her bucket list!

James is trying to have a conversation with Shari and she is just staring straight ahead at the pool not looking at him and answering in a monotone voice. I feel bad for James and even James is starting to think that tomorrow is going to suck.

Meanwhile, at the Boys’ villa, the girls are also drinking it up and wearing bikinis and someone with a pink top and a black thong has a really nice ass. I have no idea who that is, but good on you, girl!

Karl is showing the girls how he does the Old Man Dance and the girls are drinking heavily now because I imagine this is the only thing that will stop them from rolling their eyes to the back of their heads.

Wait, we have another nice ass sighting. This time, it seems to be a girl with a purple bikini although that might be a white bikini that looks purple with the lighting. It would be nice if the cameramen showed the ladies’ faces as well as their butts, but I’m not complaining too much.

Karl is now showing Cathlene, the Asian flight attendant, the “King’s Room” and she seems impressed.

Cathlene talks about how she’s always wrong about her love interests and that she likes apps and I have no fucking clue what that means. Is she talking about food or phones? She is dumb as a box of rocks and perfect for Karl because that’s apparently his type.

The camera zooms in on Cathlene touching Karl’s shoulder and I have a feeling that we’re going to see that later.

Oh oh. Katheryn has tired of John and has now set her sights on the next relationship to fuck up: Javen. She tells him she’s attracted to him and he replies, “Thank you”. That’s… pretty funny.

Javen then rationalizes his cheating on Shari by saying that the attention he got made him feel special. Listen, buddy, if that’s not a sign that you need to break up, I don’t know what is. Do you need to get hit in the face with it? Cuz you’re definitely in the right place for that.

Now he’s talking about having metaphorical Shari on his shoulder telling him, “Javen, I’m gonna fuck you up!”

For the love of God, please break up!

Katheryn tells Javen that there’s something about him that she can’t fake in an obviously fake manner.

Javen is so paranoid of his girlfriend that it’s really not funny anymore. He keeps saying stupid shit on camera and apparently Javen thinks he’s fucked up because Katheryn touched his arm. That’s insane.

He’s talking about how he can’t take it back and he’s been drinking and FOR FUCK’S SAKE, DUDE, SHE TOUCHED YOU! YOU DIDN’T DO SHIT!

He’s now, on camera, apologizing to Shari. For doing NOTHING.

Javen LITERALLY runs to bed and so Katheryn has to find someone else to fuck with. Enter Evan. And Morgan. But first, here’s the whole cringeworthy sequence:

Katheryn says that Morgan is her best friend in the house and I don’t believe her for one second and now she sets Evan up to do a “confessional” alone with her and all the other girls think this is a big deal and FUCKING DRAMA is about to go down.

Evan has the “I have no fucking clue what’s going on” look down pat. I think it’s his default expression.

Evan is now The Devil according the other girls and I suppose it’s better than The Joker. Seriously, his facial expression during this whole thing is priceless:

Evan is surprised at what’s happening and he’s never gotten in between friends and, oh wait, yeah he has. Now Morgan and Katheryn are loudly fighting in one of the girls’ bedrooms and I’m at once surprised and not really surprised that they set the girls up in bunk beds, army style.

Half the girls are awake and looking pissed and Brittney (SanDeE☆) is one of them and Evan’s date is probably not going to go well because she thinks this is bullshit. She is right, of course, and Evan tries to take her outside and fix things and he’s just fucking up left and right and everyone just needs to STFU and go to sleep.

To remind you what Evan is fucking up, here is Britney/SanDeE☆:

Finally, it’s morning and it’s Date Time!

The coupled boys will be taking the single girls on an ATV adventure. John admits feeling nervous and thinking he needs to shake the cobwebs off as he hasn’t dated in a while. Isn’t it like riding a bike, though? I’m not sure why he’s that nervous.

The coupled girls are on a boat. Apparently, they are going snorkeling because Carlos, aka Mr. Cuba, says this in his heavily-accented English. It’s a good thing I understand Cuban-American because otherwise this guy would need subtitles.

It looks like all of these couples have forgotten what it is like to go on a date because Kaci is now telling Mr. Cuba about all the pressure she’s getting from her family to get married and I’m sorry but if I was on a first date with her, that would be throwing up red flags like it was a Chinese National Holiday.

Predictably, Brittney/SanDeE☆ is not into the date as last night’s drama has misaligned her chakras and she really needs a cleanse. I’ll volunteer to administer that cleanse.

Nicole says it’s weird “conversating” with another man and she just confirmed that her fears that Karl thinks she’s too dumb for him are well-founded.

Tyler is breaking Nicole down expertly and laying the groundwork for separating her from Karl. That is good hustle and he deserves a hard slap on the ass.

Karl, meanwhile, is talking to Sheldyn and clumsily complimenting her. It’s cute and a little charming until this exchange:

Sheldyn: Do you miss her?

Karl: I do… Not being able to be intimate with her…

Sheldyn: (Shocked look on her face)

Karl: I have needs and…

Sheldyn: (Get me the fuck out of here look)

At least Karl realizes he fucked up. Damn, dude!

We’re back on the boat and I’ve got to give credit where credit is due. Shari does have a nice ass. HOWEVAH, no ass, no matter how nice, is worth dealing with the amount of shit poor Javen has to deal with.

Johnnie apparently looks a lot like Kady’s dad and personality-wise he’s a lot like her and it looks like he’s in there. Funny, though, given he’s from Jersey. When is the Hoboken Rodeo, again?

I can’t fucking believe John right now. He just told Hannah, who in my opinion looks like the best option of all the single girls, that Katheryn was his first choice. Fucking idiot.

Hannah, smartly, says that she loves being second choice. In fact, all ladies do! John is oblivious. I seriously think all the single girls are now on “I’m just going to enjoy my vacation” mode because they are surrounded by 4 losers.

Poor James is probably thinking the same thing as it is excruciatingly difficult to get any words out of Shari as she is only thinking of Javen. Javen, meanwhile, is enjoying his date with Kayla but admits in confessional that he is “scared” that he is having a good time. The poor fucker may have PTSD.

Bonfire Time!

The coupled boys are being driven to the bonfire site and dumb John doesn’t know what to expect. How do you not at least pick up a VHS copy of the 2001 version before going on this show?

As the rest of us know, the bonfire is where Mark L will show the couples video footage (expertly edited and manipulative video footage) of their partners in order to get a reaction. They get a choice of watching it by themselves or as a group.

Evan goes first and shares and they see some innocent footage of Kaci talking to a dude. Nothing really bad is shown and he seems ok with it.

Karl also shares and they see Tyler break down Nicole. Karl is relieved it wasn’t worse and is not worried. I think he knows exactly what Tyler is doing and is secretly hoping this will lead to a breakup.

Javen shares footage of Shari trying to “conversate” and for fuck’s sake where are the educational standards in this country?!? He’s ok with the clip because Shari looks like she’s constipated.

John shares the video of Kady dissing him like Eminem. Even Evan is like WTF? The boys rally around John.

Now, it’s the girls’ turn. They are really nervous because when Mark L says “Welcome” they reply “Welcome” and they’re either nervous or stupid. Or both.

Shari is first and she elects to share. Of course, we get the footage of Javen overreacting to doing absolutely nothing and I just need to give props to Mark L and the Temptation Island editing team for creating such a manipulative piece of work in such a short turnaround.

Then again, Javen helped a lot. Shari is in tears and I say GOOD! Fuck her. Take a look:

Mark L tries to downplay the clip and explain that we don’t see what actually happened and it’s too late because Shari says “We’re done.” and I really fucking hope that’s true, for Javen’s sake. Watching it again, it’s actually not that bad, but Shari falls for the manipulation hook, line, and sinker.

Oh, shit, that’s the end? I guess we’ll see the other videos next week. Speaking of videos, the entire episode was uploaded to YouTube and apparently you can see both of the episodes to date for free on the USA Network site

https://youtu.be/CHsA7roazps

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Updated Predicciones

Here’s the way I see it after this episode:

• John and Kady: Mad Max: Fucked Road
• Nicole and Karl: Fucked Road Adjacent (Fucked Lane?)
• Shari and Javen: Please, God, Break Them Up!
• Kaci and Evan: Still Too Dorky to Break Up

The only possible thing that could save the fucked couples is that the singles all realize the coupled boys and girls are all losers and deserve each other. Which could very well happen!

Remember that I’ll be writing recaps of every episode and publishing on the Tuesday the next episode airs.

Temptation Island airs every Tuesday (Episode 2 airs TONIGHT!) on USA Network at 10 PM Eastern, 9 PM Central. You can catch up on prior episodes (if you sign in with a cable or satellite account although it seems the first two episodes are available for free) and see behind the scene clips on the USA Network website: https://www.usanetwork.com/temptationisland

Let me know what you think in the comments.

(18/69)