Welcome to the first of four days of bracket previews before the First Annual [DFO] Bracket Tournament, colloquially known as—actually, we’re still working on it; Banner Madness is the best we got and that’s still kinda meh. Either way, we start by delving to the upper left side of the bracket with the BLEERGH Regional! As I mentioned yesterday in the preview, all entries will have their authors removed until after the tournament to try and make it so the comments stand out on their own merits. So without further ado, the BLEERGH Region:

1. “Aaron Hernandez (neck) out indefinitely”
16. “THIS GUY JULIO JONES I CALL HIM DDT BECAUSE HE IS KILLING THE EAGLES”

We start with this as the 1-16 matchup. The 16 seed in the region lost some points because shortly prior there had been another Eagles joke, but it was still enough to get into the dance. You could argue it was underseeded, but the committee had a tough time with comparing both of those jokes. On the other side, the Aaron Hernandez quote might be one of the most fucked-up things that’s made the banner, and the committee loved it enough to give it not just the 1 seed, but the overall 1 seed. Take that how you will, considering we all know what happened to Virginia last year.

8. “Slutty Browns’ chicks are the best. But enough about Condy Rice.”
9. “If Tampa Bay has any more abortions on this series of plays, they’ll have the RNC clamoring to defund them.”

It’s an 8-9 matchup, so it won’t be an easy first-round matchup for either seed. I guess we’ll see what it looks like when the polls come out. They’re both pretty excellent though.

5. “Spotlight wins the Oscar for Best Picture! Way to come from behind! Which coincidentally is pretty much what Spotlight is about.”
12. “THESE GIANTS FANS I CALL THEM PROMETHEUS BECAUSE EAGLES ARE CAUSING THEM SERIOUS LIVER DAMAGE”

The always-dangerous 5-12 matchup, and hey, that’s the other Eagles reference! They’re on the same side of the bracket, which is allowable because it’s different authors—the committee was given a rule that two similar comments could mean anything, but two comments by the same author would not be able to meet before the regional final, similar to NCAA rules. Even if the authors were hidden.

4. “These Georgia Bulldogs, I call him [sic] David Carradine because last night on their way to a successful climax, they choked to death and died.”
13. “That Kia commercial would be a lot better if it was a disheveled-looking gerbil on the run from Richard Gere.”

I have to say, unlike this year’s college basketball season, where it seems like there are maybe five or six teams that can realistically win it all (depending on Zion’s shoe status), there are a lot of contenders to be the last one standing at the end of March. The committee laughed really hard at this David Carradine joke, and still they could only give it a 4-seed. That is one tough 4-seed, and it could be an interesting What the Hell are Regional Semis. (Fine, the Salty 16. What, we’re not sweet.)

Now onto the bottom half of the region:

6. “Flyers-Capitals is beginning to resemble a GOP debate, right down to a black guy getting punched out and then thrown out by the authorities.”
11. “Alright, guys. What can we call to help the Pats get back in this? Any questions?”

The 11 might be underseeded, but it’s almost too obvious, you know? I mean, this could be fitting for almost any P*ts game, right?

3. “Wait wait wait… someone was on drugs??? AT ARIZONA STATE????”
14. “The NFC East is basically if the Bears played in a division where all the other teams were the Bears.”

Again, that’s a 3-seed, and that is excellent. And it’ll be the lower seeded comment if chalk holds out in the Salty 16. Tough bracket.

7. “Maybe Chip Kelly asked for this and did not want to get fired on NFL Coaching Black Monday because, ya know…”
10. “That thing went from 9% completed to 90% completed faster than me when I lost my virginity.”

An interesting matchup, if I say so myself. Who ya got?

2. “Blax wins for creating ONE human? Well I don’t mean to brag, but I just flushed 100 million potential humans down the toilet, so where’s my award?”
15. “Gruden sounded like the most exasperated babysitter ever when he said ‘Eli… he’s a handful.'”

For those trying to recall, obviously Blax was not the author of the above comment. That would be odd him talking about himself like that in the third person. Either way, as a 2 seed that comment actually has a decent chance to indeed get itself an award. So that’s something.

Anyway, that’s the BLEERGH quadrant of the bracket. Tune in tomorrow to find out the seeding in the GAMBLOR Region.