We’re rounding into the final straightaway before The Pepsi Hard Rock Casino Super Bowl LIV Presented by Odor-Eaters.  It’s a tight one this year (somewhere Kobe Bryant just sat up and started paying attention) as the Chefs are a consensus 1.5 point favorite over Santa Clara.  This is one of two sub-2-point lines in Super Bowl history:  Dallas was a one-point favorite over Baltimore in 1970, and the Seattle*-New England game several years ago was generally considered a pick’em situation.

*Last night I was made aware that the Seahawks are sometimes referred to as the Rain City Bitch Pigeons, which is simply fantastic.  Apparently this has also gotten some traction among fans as a possible name for Seattle’s coming NHL expansion team.  To any deities who may be listening—I’ve got a nice stick of fancy incense for you if you can make this happen.

Now, as you are aware there is no longer any such thing as simply Watching the Game: ESPN and the rest of the Taek-Industrial Complex demands Narratives.  Here are some that I have come across, despite largely tuning out the past two weeks.

NARRATIVE: Andy Reid deserves a Super Bowl.  Response: No he doesn’t.  Yes, he’s a favorite around these parts because he’s tubby, has a funny mustache and seems to take himself a lot less seriously than most of the Maximum Intensity Grinder coaches that have pervaded the league for the last 25 years.  However, he’s also a shameless opportunist cunt just like pretty much every other prick who becomes an NFL head coach- the culture is such that it selects for such traits.  He ok’d the signing of Michael Vick coming off his horrific dog fighting conviction and made him a star again. He seems to have absolutely no compunction riding Tyreek Hill’s pregnant-woman-choking, (allegedly) child-arm-breaking, witness-threatening coattails into the Super Bowl.  And don’t give me that “they paid their debt to society” or “he wasn’t charged” shit- these are acts that speak to a basic aspect of character and lack of humanity, stains that don’t wash out.  He echoed Lucky Sperm Clark Hunt’s praise of Hill’s “maturity” this season, saying “Tyreek’s done a nice job with having signed the contract but also his life off the field and managing that…I’m proud of him for that, to see growth in somebody. You like to see that with these young guys. He’s doing well as a father, and he’s doing well as a football player, and we’re lucky to have him.”  Really? Doing well as a father? What’s the fucking standard for that, that he hasn’t caused any damage that will show up on an x-ray so far this season?  If Andy Reid was the cuddly good-guy walrus uncle we desperately imagine him to be, Tyreek Hill would have ridden the fucking pine all year as a healthy scratch.  I’m not going to pretend that 30 other coaches wouldn’t have done the same thing Reid did- we’re all adults here and resigned to the disgusting true nature of the game we love.  But the term “deserve” suggests that the Universe owes Andy Reid something for what he’s done.  He may be no worse than his colleagues, but he seems to be no better.

NARRATIVE: Patrick Mahomes is the greatest quarterback ever and is revolutionizing the position. Response: he’s really good. He was transcendent last year. He was really really good this year, even after 1. defenses had a better sense for how to counter his game, and 2. he got injured and missed all or part of three games.   Just remember though—motherfuckers acted like they forgot about Pat when Lamar! was becoming the Hot New Thing.  Don’t pretend that you didn’t jump off the bandwagon for a little while and are now jumping back on while it pulls into the station. Outwardly, he seems like a really nice guy.  I hope he has a really good game, throwing to someone besides Hill.

NARRATIVE: Kyle Shanahan is an Offensive Genius. Response: my bitterness regarding 28-3 notwithstanding, he is a pretty good offensive coach.  He tends toward high yards-per-play averages, which is a better overall gauge of effectiveness than raw scoring or yardage.  He may be that rare Lucky Sperm Club member who actually might have made it on his own merits under other circumstances, like the Black Prince.  That might be an apt comparison, because I could see Shanahan laying waste to Fremont because he caught dysentery.

NARRATIVE: Robert Saleh is Defensive Genius. Reponse: he’s good. But he also has a LOT of talent there, with the Niners spending heavily at the top of the draft for the last several years, trading for Dee Ford and bringing in Richard Sherman.  Given that the defense was Not Great in Saleh’s first two years, there is a reasonable question as to whether the scheme needed time to bed-in or if it’s the players making him look good. If he does well scheming against the Kansas City attack, I would not be shocked to see one of the teams that was borderline on keeping their existing coach (Jacksonville) pull the trigger and hire him in the text two weeks. If he shits the bed and rolls around in it, I would not be shocked to see the Jests or Detroit pull the trigger and hire him anyway.

NARRATIVE: Kobe Bryant, for some reason. The 49ers especially keep talking about “honoring his legacy” and such.  Response: Others have spilled enough digital ink on this site wondering where this National Day of Mourning shit is coming from, so I will largely refrain.  He was a tremendous basketball player who by dint of timing was the childhood hero of a bunch of current players in many sports.  He seemed like an asshole even to his teammates, leaving aside the whole rapist-versus-cheating-asshole thing.  His “Mamba Mentality” schtick is the stuff of high school coaches’ wet dreams, where if you get to the gym at 4 a.m., shoot 8,000 free throws every day and behave like an ultracompetitive prick, you will inevitably succeed.  “Hard work outweighs talent every time” is a really wonderful thought. However, it is also toxic bullshit, because it means if you don’t succeed it’s your fault for not working hard enough. This is the sort of shit that leads us to blame the poor for being poor, because it perpetuates the myth that if they Wanted It hard enough there’s no reason they couldn’t get the same job the CEO’s failson was handed as a birthright.  It’s tragic for the people on board that helicopter and their families. But to co-opt it into the Super Bowl as some sort of bullshit motivational ploy is kind of disgusting.

NARRATIVE: Fuck the Patriots. Response: Amen.  May Garoppolo throw many, many touchdowns as Robert Kraft receives a handjob lubricated by tears at the thought of losing Tom Terrific.

WHAT’S ON TV:

It’s another ugly winter night as most sports continue their midseason grind.  As February looms, college basketball finally brings its long exhibition season to a close.  In the NHL, everyone dreams of finding the next Jordan Binnington and going on a historic midseason run while actually just pissing around before growing out their June playoff beards.  The NBA…well, the NBA is shamelessly humping Kobe’s corpse I’m not sure who Jane Asher represents in this metaphor, but I think we are all Alan Tudyk.

ALL TIMES ARE GIVEN IN DFO STANDARD, AKA GOD’S TIME, AKA CENTRAL STANDARD

Junior Bouncy Football:

South Carolina (Upstate) at Presbyterian. 6 P.M. on ESPNU

Minnesota at Illinois: 6:30 P.M. on FS1

Arizona at Washington- 8:00PM on ESPN2

Utah at Southern California- 8:30PM on FS1

Senior Bouncy Football:

Golden State Warriors at Boston Celtics-  7:00PM on TNT

Utah Jazz at Denver Nuggets- 9:30PM on TNT

Ice Football

Nashville Predators at New Jersey Devils- 6:30PM on NBCSN

Montreal Canadie(u)ns at Buffalo Sabres- 6:00PM on fucking nowhere in the States.

DEMOTIVATIONAL QUOTE:

Shoot for the Moon. If you miss, you’ll slowly asphyxiate in the vast cold emptiness of space.