Here comes the deliriously jam-packed Premiership Festivus period, with the added entropy that is #NuAIDS. A good opportunity to see some of your favoUrite side’s depth options!
You’re not setting your alarm to watch the German Elton John kick the tar shit (and whine incessantly) out of Uncle Woy’s ti-wud Pawace. Shockingly, they won’t be hiding it on Peacock, though (7:30, NBCSN).
Surprisingly competent Soton gets surprisingly pedestrian City at 10:00 (also NBCSN), as we all wait for the law of gravity to re-establish itself. Surely this week? Because Saints can get right fucked.
You KNOW IT, baby! Toffees in the Spotlight Dance (12:30, NBC), against an Arsenal side that’s winless in its last 6 domestic fixtures. Handsome Mikel Arteta is lucky he won the FA Cup. And of course, that he’s handsome. Nobody likes to fire good-looking people! DFO has quite the significant Gooner contingent, who will no doubt enjoy smack talking Hippo’s rage. Everton can’t possibly give me three straight resilient performances against credible opponents. (reverse jinx double-bank shot)
Wrap up your Lesser Day almost in time for SABADO NFL WOO!!! Newcastle welcome Mighty Whitey (3:00, Peacock) to their corner of the Northeast, with Litre sure to scare wife and child at least once. Will we get an appearance from WCS, admitted Barcode-friendly Commentist?
As I am writing this, it’s just shocking how bad Troi Boiz are. Looks like Oh-ray-GAWNE will be the first JV conference champion that didn’t win their division. Space-time continuum rupture, y’all. Today’s potential bananacakes recipes:
Northwestern (+18.5) v. Ohio State @ Gravy Boat (Noon, Fox)
All this hand-wringing over tOSU, in the one season where they clearly do fucking pass the fucking eye test. 3 more games against other conference weaklings would change exactly nothing. This will be an epic beatdown, with a 2/3 matchup against the Clemson/ND winner ahead.
Oklahoma (-6) v. Iowa State @ JerralWorld (Noon, ABC)
On one hand, I don’t get how Steerfuckers North are favoUred by more than a FG. Or maybe favoUred at all. On the other hand…I sure as shit ain’t betting on Cornpone State. Like they say, a riddle wrapped up in an enema smgdh.
Washington State (+10.5) at Utah (1:30, FS1)
Hey there, one of many random filler matchups! We see you!! Weird how many central/western games are being played so early in the day. Oh well, is Plague Year. Just go with it.
Clemson (-10.5) v. Notre Dame @ Richardson Plantation (4:00, ABC)
Somehow, Brian Kelly has managed to become more sanctimonious and up-his-own-arsehole than Dabo! can even dream. Like I said, strange year. Vegas is expecting angry Tiggers and fraudulent, perhaps hungover Irish. Fuck ’em all, I ain’t watch. With a loss, ND will get its ass handed to them by Roll Damn Tide, which would make for much guffawing.
Boise State (-6.5) v. San Jose State @ Random Vegas Area Vacant Lot (4:15, Fox)
I love how #NuAIDS managed to get these fuckadoos national Fox coverage. I have no idea whether either of these squadrons is even marginally worth a shit. But, it’s not ND/Clemson.
Alabama (-17) v. Florida @ Megatron’s Butthole (8:00, CBS)
It means MOAR until it don’t. Florida doesn’t get in the playoffs with a win (seriously, like that’s even a possibility), Bama is in regardless. But Nick Saban will be out for blood anyway, because it’s all that brings him joy. Well, that and the tears of small children.
Tulsa (+14.5) at Cincinnati (8:00, ABC)
This is indeed a title matchup, just at the better one’s home field. But would one really be surprised if JV WKRP kind of just phoned this one in? I could see it.
Arizona State (-7) at Oregon State (10:30, ESPN)
Oh tweaker fixture, however will we miss ya. The nation’s best coeds try to go after Niiiiiiiiiiicccccceeee Beaver. Brought to you by RedTube.
And, that’s it. Our plucky Chanticleers got cancelled by #NuAIDS. What a dick that guy is!
Just woke up from my nap after watch Klopp’s men taking the piss with another London based club this morning. As much I love to see the blueshite lose watching Arsenal slide closer and closer to the regulation zone would be more enjoyable.
“Former Syracuse player Oshae Brissett was recently cut from the Raptors. No word on whether it was down the wrist or across.”
-Sports reporter on the Amy Winehouse News Network
Just bet on Arse getting their 2nd. Hopefully, this will meet the same fate as my other recent GAMBLOR offerings.
Even as a Gooner, I don’t see it happening. This team is dreadful.
Nah, it’s coming for sure.
Anyone laying the 10.5 with Clemzo today?
No, but if I had to bet the match, I’d be on the Tiggers.
I would. Notre Dame is good but Clemson wants to prove the last loss was a fluke.
Never underestimate the Power of Revenge.
I blame the Lucas Oil grounds crew for not changing the end zone decals. Justin Fields is confused and playing like he’s a Indianapolis Colts QB midway into being a bust.
On the plus side, Everton isn’t disappointing and watching Arsenal march to relegation is hilarious. On the downside, for the sake of the standings, I need to have Everton to be disappointing today.
You missed a YET
Team Knifey is going down and of Brighton, Mighty Whitey, Western Brom, and Burnley 2 are going down. but would be hilarious if the Gunners were involved.
In an ideal world, it’ll be Knifey, Stupid West Brom and Burnley dropping, with Arsenal just escaping relegation on the last day.
If Arsenal were to get relegated, I think the fans would revolt and they’d get proper ownership who would then go on a run of being unbeatable
Yeah, Arsenal is covering themselves with an enormous pile of shit, but I can’t see them falling out.
Although it would be absolutely hilarious to see them go undefeated in Europa while dropping out of the Premier at the same time.
Justin Fields making a valiant effoUrt to stay out of DUUUUUVVVVVAAAALLLL
Shouldn’t you be paying attention to the futbol?
I am, but have the ESPN “Gamecast” page up for JV scores
“I don’t understand the philosophy of that play.”
An actual quote from the 2020 Big 10 Championship Game
“I say it’s Kantian with a hint of Daoism!”
“And I say it’s Calvinist with overtones of BUDDHISM, fuckface!”
/Marx insists that it was offside
A classic.
“I’ll take, ‘What did Thomas Aquinas say after seeing Sartre’s No Exit’?, for 300 souls, Alex.”
-Lucifer, playing Jeopardy
There really is no better song EVAR recorded:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVHkeQNmMvM
March 6th 2020, oh how times have changed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qadXDYNNtg
When I’m elected Evil Overlord, all Dr. Pepper Halftime Football Throwing Contests will only count football throwing overhanded with some resemblance of a spiral.
Honest to God, dreamed last night that Our Equine Lord and SavioUr brought me into camp for a QB tryout. For like 15 minutes, I kept trying (and failing) to get a proper grip on the ball and throw a damned spiral. It was agonizing.
Then, I kept getting lost trying to leave…
Sadly, I learned after college that I had the natural ability to throw a halfway decent spiral.
I don’t have the ideal height to be a QB, but based on my high school football teams, I probably could’ve started for them and did better.
I was always pretty good passing, even when I was a shrimp (was the shortest kid in class until my junior year in HS, then was 6’2″ by college). I just lacked any upper body definition and/or athleticism.
Shoulda saw the Farrier, woulda fixed that right up
Bengalis are starting Ryan Findley this week
/according to someone
Damn Therapist. Whatever happened to Doctor-Patient Confidentiality?!
The Bengali Tygers of Cincinnatus? My colleague J.T. O’Sullivan has fond memories from the days when he was a quartered-back for that squadron.
Ah, I remember him. He picked a good year to go to Cincy, but too bad Carson Palmer got healthy enough to play..sort of.
/sarcasm dead ahead
Anyone remember the good old days when, if a U*NC/Kentucky basketball game was on, there’d be nothing else to watch?
Billy Packer remembers…
Hippo haz a happy!!!
#TemporarilyTumescent
God, when someone finally turns DCL’s head, it is gonna suck so very hard to be a Bitter Blue.
Based on what we’ve seen from OSU, if they (somehow) stumble over the finish line first, should we just pencil in ‘Bama’s name in the Finals or at least wait until they’re up 14-0 against OSU?
You will be seeded 3rd. In no way will the post-Condi Committee line up ND and Clem to play again.
Work mate is a ND fan, but otherwise good guy and is not looking forward to ND Clem part trois.
Well, based on the fair treatment of the Cincinnati Bearcats by the esteemed College Football Playoffs Committee, I seriously doubt they would ever manipulate the rankings.
Airplane 2 – News according to different countries! – YouTube
N’western sold that run option so well, the feed dropped for a second.
Followed shortly by a pass 7 yards behind LOS on third and long.
B1G gon B1G
Davies, you goddamned MOE-ron.
Andre Marriner is the worst fucking ref in the Prem. NO ONE DENIES THIS.
Uh, Anthony Fucking Taylor and Lee Fucking Mason would like a word…
Did you watch last week??? Liverpool should not have gotten that penalty, Mighty whitey should have gotten theirs. Mother fucker even went to the screen twice and because of his ego did not change shit. FUCK THAT GUY HARD.
of course I did nae watch the Shite play
Just found a bet for a Mighty Whitey not to score, I know he has a 20% shot of playing today and probably won’t. That is like free money, odds are shit but this is a no brainer.
Look man, you still can has Lookman.
Which? Not Mitrovic I hope.
Bobby Reid. He has a hamstring issue and will not play from my Mighty Whitey sources. The odds were 1.25 to 1 to not score, That is where I got in, they are down to 1.15 to 1 right now.
Gearing up to head out for some skiing/strained calf muscles, and that means putting on outdoor gear and boots. The dog has come to think of me doing that as the signal that he’s getting a walk, and I’ve been telling him ‘no’ to keep him from jumping around and he’s either going to kill himself or me, or possibly do both, if the snow doesn’t melt soon.
I have that same calf issue, but like most of my ailments, it just arrove during sleepy time.
Someone didn’t ration their pills properly this morning.
Wait, you edited that and still didn’t fix “arrove”?
At one point, that was a running joke. Probably elsewhere. I can no longer recall what it referred to.
Ah, I don’t know anything about running so it went right over my head.
I can still recall a time when I could run as many as THREE WHOLE MILES. Couldn’t do that to escape the living dead, or even to obtain a value-size bottle of dilaudid, now.
As long as you go to PTA meetings, you should really try and get back into shape – the looks of utter hatred you get when you’re both the youngest in the room AND the most in-shape are fucking priceless 😀
My kids are 19, 19, and 22. There is no longer any requirement for those.
/even when in shape, was always very un-noticeable
Is hard to stay on pace during #FestiveFixtures. I just WANT EM ALL.
Cross-country or downhill? Either way, that’s good hustle!
BLEERGH knows the rules?!
BLEERGH KNOWS ALL
DCL WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, you’re a good :45 ahead of my feed.
Last week Arteta subbed in David Luis late and the announcers were praising his experience. He promptly gave the ball away in his own box, (phrasing!), and generally looked terrible, and I’m happy to see he’s picking up today right where he left off Wednesday.
He must have the same compromising photos of management that I suspect Dexter Fowler has on the #BFIB hierarchy.
Is it bad that I wish there wasn’t NFL today?
YES IT IS.
/signed, Donks homer and Charlotte native
Charlotte native
I’m imagining a pale white guy wearing war paint while cheering on Everton.
I dislike the feeling of face paint (and all jewelry, including watches). Otherwise…uh, yeah.
#spiritanimal I can’t wear anything, including a wedding band. So many rashes…
What about Ben Wa balls, Is that jewelry?
I did (begrudgingly) wear one most of my marriage, but did get it re-sized as I fattened, and was very happy not to have to repair it after it broke (as divorce was imminent).
Same herer, so I just put my wedding band in some acryllic and wear it on my dog tags (same shape, only slightly thicker). Thank fucking God that wifey wears hers, ’cause I’d hate all the work I put into those go to waste (intertwined several colours of gold that match her eyes and hair), woven into spiral pattern
Hippo to me is the curmudgeon’s curmudgeon, someone I can look up to while muttering my annoyance at life.
I was always a Grumpy Old Man waiting to grow into the role. All parental stories of my pre-sentience childhood also confirm this.
I’m imagining the same, but instead of actively cheering on… it’s more of a staring confusedly at the screen, trying to comprehend why Everton’s not fucking him over as usual…
INTERVENTION AT BFC’S HOUSE. COMMENTARIAT ASSEMBLE! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
I’ll bring the jump cables, battery and dril…. oh, wait, you said intervention, not interrogation…
yeeewwww can take the boy out of Central Europe, but ye can’t take Central Europe out of the boy…
Ahem, (South-)Eastern Europe (yes, it’s worse) and there’s a bloody reason why I left as soon as possible and worked my ass off to ensure that I never get back there, lol
Is like a South Central v. Watts type distinction??
Think of it like this… imagine prohibition-era Chicago, only with a slightly more varied (but still shitty) climate and more brazen corruption. Ah, and with an easier access to guns
Hand to God, I absolutely am getting to a CSKA home fixture before I die.
/probably a few hours before, but still
… I hope you mean CSKA Moscow…
He does not.
… well, that’s his problem then, lol, because firstly CSKA Sofia is gone.. what’s called CSKA is actually a rebranded Litex (’cause reasons) and the stadium is like empty (everything but the derby with Levski’s like … sub 1000 people) and the derby itself is such a pale imitation of what it used to be, that there’s usually under 10k people (down from like 50k+ a decade or so ago excluding the people outside of the stadium) and almost no brawling either 🙁
But bring them anyway for fun time.
Jimminy Jillickers! Wiscy is up 44-18 on Louisville.
Aw, shit. OSU is showing signs of sleepwalking/looking-ahead/post-COVIDing.
Please let the Mildcats go up 14-3 so I can live bet the fuck out of y’all.
The last two passes by Fields supports that wish.
Iwobi is gonna try too hard today. FUCCCCKKKKK
Don’t worry, it’s Arsenal during the holiday season.. so we’re gonna stick to the tried and tested “We suck harder” plan as usual 😀
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31jvtk3Z8AU
Somehow, Brian Kelly has managed to become more sanctimonious and up-his-own-arsehole than Dabo! can even dream.
You are just now realizing this? This is a guy that announced he was leaving UC for ND at the player’s Senior Dinner and then left the team by themselves to get murderdeathkilled in the bowl game. That’s like getting your girlfriend pregnant and then waiting until she started to crown to tell her you won the lottery and you’re leaving her for a supermodel.
I am a bit slow/always high.
Cincinnati’s Kelly heading to Notre Dame – Boston.com
The John McCain/Newt Gingrich/Tom Brady version of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover…
Getting a cake for the kids* birthday tomorrow and the only store with music on of course plays LDB. Good thing I’m already out of the challenge. I get the stress about whilst outs and abouts
* both my kids have the same birthday, just 3 years apart.
So near Shitsmas too, that’s just Good Planning Hustle!
Expensive time of year. Would have been nice to spread out the damage
You should request entry to the Vatican Rhythm Method Museum.
Can’t afford to…lol
Rattler throws into triple coverage and gets away with it.
Wait a minute…Colts helmet? Indianapolis Colts end zone colors?
Did Ohio State get promoted to the NFL or did Indianapolis finally get relegated to D1?
coronavirus-coyote-catches-roadrunner-in-2020.jpg (719×594) (wordpress.com)
https://th.bing.com/th/id/OIP.SRIcHIegD_5q2yfO3OdYSQHaFf?pid=Api&rs=1
Holy fuckballs, is NBC ever doing all it can to jinx the fuck out of Everton. For reference, I predicted:
Draw
1-1
Saka (first goal)
Leaders and Legends. Which is heads, which is tails?
Somehow, I just now noticed that the Rattler kid is a Black Albino.
ABC’s “The Rookie” looks as close as we will get to Police Cops jumping the 4th wall.
It may look as close, but the writing is next-level retarded (I made the mistake of trusting it because of Nathan Fillion… BIG mistake)
I mean, it IS the network that gave the world Doctor Retard
And “How’s Grey’s Anatomy Still A Thing?!” and its sibling Shonda Rimes shows “If the lead actress was white, this would’ve been cancelled after 3 episodes” and “That other shitty Shonda show that has an Oscar winner, so we can’t cancel that either” 😀
Me, with plans to spend the day outdoors
?f1600891150
My wife and daughter: “Should we go get a Xmas tree today?”
After the last tree-related pulled muscle (several years ago), I told the kids – look, you can drive, and are all at least quasi-adults. You want a tree? FINE. You get it, you put it up, you take it to the curb after.
Since then, our home might as well be functionally Jewish.
That’s the beauty of the good artificial ones – they don’t shed needles, come pre-Christmas’d and can be easily punted to the back of the garage for storage until next X-mas 😀
…. or so I’ve been told… I’m still at the “FUCK YOU, get a real one” stage (at least we get living trees that we then plant in the yard so I can feel a bit better for the environment when I do engine runups on the menagerie in the barn 😀 )
True, but I’d still rather not be bothered. And the kids still don’t believe in making minimal effort, they just want it to magically appear.
I’d rather not be bothered too, but noone gives me the choice… At least I’m allowed to skip midnight mass (I honestly don’t like going to churches, because I think my presence is intruding on people that actually believe)
There are upsides to divorce. Nobody can make me do shit now!
/but haven’t had relations in like 5 years, so tradeoffs too
Divorce is not an option for me, lol, ’cause I legit love my wife and family… plus I think that if it ever comes down to one, I’ll conveniently shoot myself while cleaning a gun (possibly a tank gun for maximum dakka)
I like how darkly you think!
Can you even get a tree? They are sold out in these parts unless you’re gonna xmas vacation it in the forest.
Not bragging but we are starting potty training with blaxito today.
Pfft. I potty-trained my kids years ago.
/They’re either out of or nearly out of college right now, and have been each using the toilet for several years now.
Also, good luck, and prepare to show more patience than a lioness stalking a particularly fat water buffalo
It is the most maddening aspect of a toddler. We bought a “potty” watch that goes off every 1/2 an hour which has helped tremendously. Thank Bleergh he hated shitting his pants so he did that conversion easily. Its the pants pissing that dives me insane.
Look, he’s a busy man and doesn’t have time to run off to the toilet every time he needs to take a leak: those cartoons aren’t going to watch themselves.
DO YOU HAVE A CAMERA IN MY PLACE???????
That is the exact reason for the watch. Wee man ain’t care if he pisses himself while playing.
Obligatory
I hate Southhampton for a variety of reasons, but that was absolutely a handball.
Not sure how much of Arsenal-Everton I’ll see. Absolutely great day here in CT and I’ve got snowshoes and X-country skis that haven’t seen the outside of the basement in two seasons, because global warming is a myth.
I suggest you do anything but watch it, because … well.. it won’t end well, plus you don’t want to be around here to see Hippo with a rage or smug-boner after the final whistle 🙂
I’m fine with the back-and-forth with Hippo (are we not doing ‘phrasing’ anymore?), but like you I’m not sure how much more I can take of “efforts” like the first half against Southhampton, followed by a parade of brain dead red cards.
Come back for Mighty Whitey v the Geordie scum.
Survived and now gettingbwife a fancy coffee and breakfast as I want to watch sports all weekend.
Define fancy coffee?
Chai latte with some other spices in it, turmeric and shit. They are a small independant coffee shop that makes great coffee and take away breafast sandwiches.
I was thinking more along the lines of … what type of bean and roast, lol ..
Hippo likes his coffee like he likes his Presidents (or now, Vice Presidents-Elect). BLACK (and HAWT)
I hate Notre Dame so much it should be illegal.
I love Notre Dame, for gambling purposes. Just wait until they get an undeserved national title shot and then bet the house on their opponent.
(do not actually bet your house on anything)
LOL
Just one question .. the fuck is Taylor Swift?
Jonathan’s lesser known brother I think.
Nevermind, I googled her… Tbh, I think I’ve seen her in one of my wife’s crappy date night movies, but I didn’t know she was a singer (and apparently a popular one).
You have no idea. Just for fun, go get yourself a twitter account throw out an insult to Ms. Swift, then count to 10 and see how many of her fans have descended on you like a pack of rabid rats.
Uh … pass? I don’t do social media, because … well, tbh, I have a really low tolerance for idiots …and usually have better things to do (ie anxiously keeping an eye out on map tracker to see how far along the road from Omsk is my new 32 ton bundle of joy)
Sure it isn’t Stromile’s hoopin sister?
Geriatric profanity disorder
Le Havre getting a 3rd got me off tilt, but a 4th would be all chef’s kiss-like.
Since nothing strikes me as too interesting on telly – it’s time for some “Bon cop, bad cop”
Edibles consumed, earphones in to avoid little drummer boy, off for my weekly 2 hour release into the wild at the grocery store.
I’d suggest Sabaton, because you’d really need the Christmas Panzergeist to find a decent parking spot 😉
It’s 8 am, normally pretty empty.
Famous last words (around the holidays).. Good luck, tho 😀
Londoner with a cameo from the lads form People Just do Nothing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PA5uuBCtZ5k
But how will we know if they’re good enough to beat Illinois if they didn’t play!?
found a funny:
americans: how are we supposed to live on $600?
senate: figure it out
military: we maybe lost a jet in a poker match
senate: [writing check] accidents happen
And this funneh shows that I am still scarred by Eastern Europe, ’cause my first reaction was “… on 600$? Easy!” 😀
Also, don’t disrespect the Troops, damn it… How was the Pentagon supposed to know that a pair of 3’s isn’t a good hand?!
Three represents TEH HOLY TRINITY so suck it LIBTARD!!!!1111
… I dunno why you have to keep on bringing up threesomes randomly in conversations?!
Those threes were supplied by a trusted mil-spec contractor and the military had an MOU to keep the hand and not hit.
Or draw or fold or whatever the poker term is
At least I hope they used slave, I mean prisoner labour and the minimum-est of spec materials to manufacture those 3’s 😀
/Just got up.
/Checks score
Oh my Uncle Woy that’s a touchdown.
I would like to thank this morning’s Lesser results for reminding Hippo that, indeed, all hope is ded and life remains as pointless as it EVAR was.
Well, that’s what happens when the non-discount Liverpool team plays a game without a mercy rule in place (unfortunately) – a level of atrocity unseen since the Fall of Berlin 😀
Btw, before you get too offended by the “discount joke” … at least your team isn’t named after a Tijuana donkey show :p
#SmallBlessings
Funny enough, I heard that joke about Arsenal from a Catholic priest (also a buddy… a Sp*rs supporting buddy)…
Should surprise nobody by now that priests have dirty minds! 😀
Could be worse, especially here in Ireland 😀 Btw, for the record Gerry’s no longer a priest, but unlike quite a few priests, he left for a rather sane redheaded reason (and an atheist one at that, lol)
… so, uhh… quack damn you?
Also hai
Also, also – anyone else see the new version of “The Stand” ?
M-O-O-N, that spells…no.
M-O-O-N … as in the overrated Sam Rockwell movie or the properly rated ded as fuk drummer?