A Very Special Footballing 9/11 Thread

Guten morgen, y’all.  I hope Santa brought everyone what they wanted this year.  20 years is apparently the fuckloads of leftover Murrikan high-tech weaponry aanniversary.  NEVAR stop learnin!

Lesser Footy comes back from its dumbass international break, with Spurs and rebuilding Palace leading things off (7:30, NBCSN).  If early fixtures are any indication, expect a dull 1-nil win to the Yid Army.

You get two broadcast and FOUR Peacock-only offerings in the 10:00 window.  I really, REALLY hate this schedule compression, but the English absolutely LOVE clinging to outdated traditions.  Saints/Hammers is the NBCSN offering, for some unknown reason.  The fawning over Ronaldo’s return to Men Untied (against helplessly overmatched Newcastle) is on USA.  I’d recommend streaming the Handsome Mikel shitshow (v. Norwich, surely the Gooners at least score a football point?) or the Shempions-relevant Man City against Foxy Footy.  That’s all sorts of interesting.

Spotlight dance?  Chelski/Villa (12:30, NBC).  Could be worse, could be better.  Tuchel is an absolute machine, in the most German sense of the word.  His side are reflecting that persona.

You want some JV fun and games?  You get it!

Illinois (+10.5) at Virginia (11:00, ACCN)

What in the world is the deal with this start time?  The f/k/a Illini are schizo, since they were merde last week, bet them here.  There will be rushing yardage, each way.  Make sure you notice the commitment that the Wahoowa student body has to nonetheless be drunk as fuck.

Oregon (+14.5) at Ohio State (12:00, Fox)

Quack Attack was supposed to be really good, giving thhhheeeeeee a legitimate OOC test.  Then, we saw them suck out a close home win against Fresno State.  The extra half-point hook makes it unbettable, but remember the GAMBLOR lesson – never overreact to Week 1 performance, Week 2 is frequently a 180 degree turn, or close to it.

Pittsburgh (-3) at Tennessee (12:00, ESPN)

Wow, the JV Stillers as a road favoUrite in SEC territory.  How things can change, and dramatically so.  A key fixture in each squadron’s Quest FOAR 6-6.

Purdue (-34) at UConn (3:00, CBSSN)

Good Lord, what a dumpster fire.  How can one NOT watch?  Tune in for some hilarious commentary/shade from our own Horatio.

UAB (+23.5) at Georgia (3:30, ESPN2)

Speaking of not overreacting to Week 1 – yeah, the Dawgs played mighty good defense in their Son de Clem opener.  But the offense was responsible for a grand total of THREE points.  I’m not saying Gumbygirl’s Blazers (heh, Blazers) will win outright, but I expect some fight and a respectble scoreline.

Texas A&M (-17) at Colorado (3:30, Fox)

Another mighty big line for a team whose offense I question.  QUESTION, I says!!  More than anything, gives me a chance to play this excellent song for y’all:

Iowa (+4.5) at Iowa State (4:30, ABC)

Partisans of these sides perfer the unimaginative Cy-Hawk Trophy to the much better Cornpone Derby.  Bunch of slackjacked yokel motherfuckers.  Anyway, this line was disappoint to someone who had hoped to bet Cornpone State, coming off their (usual under Matt Campbell) underwhelming opener – combined with Team Cornpone absolutely pantsing Brocky’s Hoosiers.  Hey, sometimes life shits in your hat.

A reminder that tan-suited Barack Hussein Obama put OBL’s stinky, bullet-ridden corpse at the bottom of the ocean.  That was all the vengeance my cracker ass needed.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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clint greasewood

Good night

clint greasewood
Last edited 3 years ago by clint greasewood
scotchnaut

“Please do not adjust your set. You did see a white kid return a kickoff. You accidentally turned the tv to the Iowa game.”

Redshirt

How can an Offense commit “encroachment”? Did they force themselves to false start?

Brocky

Its not like the refs are being paid to call the game accurately or fairly

Redshirt

UC showed up in the 2nd Half. I guess Coach Fickell’s halftime speech of “If you don’t win this game, I swear to God, I’m leaving. I’m serious, my bags are packed and ready to go.” worked.

Redshirt

…and to think Ohio nearly went to war over Michigan for this sorry excuse of a city.

Brocky

Me: you know, I sometimes wonder why I hate notre dame so much.

sees refs call three straight penalties on Toledo

Ah, now I remember

Redshirt

“Palpably Unfair Act. Defense. Having a weapon as a team name.”

scotchnaut

In my alt-universe dystopian novel, Tom Brady is a 4 year starter for Notre Dame and is drafted 1st overall. He wins seven Super Bowl championships for his pro team, the New York Steven A. Smiths.

Last edited 3 years ago by scotchnaut
herodotus450

ppl forget that Michigan also lost to Toledo; it’s overshadowed by the App St. loss but equally shameful.

herodotus450

Backup-on-backup action in South Bend? Cant be sure, because only the 4th circle of Freemasions has access to the game.

scotchnaut

This is complete bullshit. ND is always on and the one time I feel like hate-watching they’re nowhere to be found.

herodotus450

Fruits are good for you; melons are fruits; melons have rinds; pork has rinds; ipso facto pork is a health food. I’ll be taking questions now about my genius.

litre_cola

Oh jesus just don’t send out the Maestro sandwich signal.

scotchnaut

How did you become so wise in the ways of deep-fried pig skin?

scotchnaut

Cuse qb stares down his first read, throws the ball into the hands of a defender that is just standing there.

scotchnaut

Sillycuse punting from their opponents 41 down 10 with 7 minutes left. Jeebuz Christ!

scotchnaut

Of course Cuse has burned all their timeouts with less than 4 to go now. High quality coacherating is what I’m watching.

scotchnaut

Notre Dame struggling with Toledo-gotta love it.

scotchnaut

Also, Sillycuse and Rutgers are playing some sort of sport that vaguely resembles football.

Col. Duke LaCross

It’s supposed to be satire, but it really is the truth. Even my friends that are even more PINKO LIBRUL than I am wanted to turn the whole Middle East into glass the next day. When people talk about how “United” we were, that’s pretty much what they really mean. And it led to twenty years of exactly JACK SHIT.

Never forget.

https://www.theonion.com/americans-fondly-recall-9-11-as-last-time-nation-could-1847607772

Gumbygirl

The Onion always gets it right!

Viva La Tabula Raza

I remember their 72-point headline that they kept up for a week
“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!”

I would track it down and post it, but I gotta head out for Navy Corner at the Command Master Chief’s house. With the other member present, we will have the makings of a Russell Crowe film, starring in “MASTER Chief and Lieutenant COMMANDER.”

Last edited 3 years ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Hey folks, quick housekeeping announcement. I turned the auto update for comments to 3 minutes instead of 30 seconds – 30 seconds was MURDERING poor old DFO on Thursday. So it’ll still update, just slower. Please be patient as we work through the kinks on the new season.

Gumbygirl

Did you remember to buy cigarettes?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

SO MANY

Anthony In TX

Mrs. In TX assures me that 3 minutes is preferable to 30 seconds, so you’ve got her seal of approval.

Viva La Tabula Raza

These guys are pretty funny.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-Eafh3hmRc

Last edited 3 years ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
BrettFavresColonoscopy

THANKS, INTERNET DAD

Game Time Decision

Wondering what kind of kink the DFO server is into. Robot on robot? The Fox Football show robot getting drilled by,say, Bender. Or something weirder?

Horatio Cornblower

I took the dog for a walk with UConn down 7-0. Suffice it to say I covered more yardage during our stroll than UConn seems to have done so.

Now on pace to lose 70-0, and another reminder to never take Hail Gamblor! advice from yours truly.

Gumbygirl

I went to the Texas A&M game because they are losing to Colorado, which is hilarious.

Gumbygirl

Oof, ma Blazers are gonna have a rough day. But, I went to Georgia through my Junior year so it’s not a total loss for me.

Redshirt

I see Cincinnati has responded by finally making the Big 12 Conference by resting on their laurels.

Brocky

Haha fuck notre dame

litre_cola

Evergreen komment.

Redshirt

Oh, so now the referees want to do a replay?

Redshirt

Ohio State didn’t help themselves by shooting them in their foot several times, but in the end you can’t beat a team that has the refs on the payrolls.

2Pack

Is it just me, or was that Duck DB the only dude near that pass? Nice dump off there…

Gumbygirl

Ginormous D, Pitt!

Redshirt

So the Pac12 Officiating Crew ruled the Pac12 team didn’t commit Targeting. Seems legit.

Horatio Cornblower

UConn down 7-0 at the end of the 1st quarter. On pace to lose by 28. BUT THE SPREAD IS 34, SO THAT’S A W FOR THE HUSKIES, BABY!

Gumbygirl

I have come from the future to pet your poor sad head.

Redshirt

Huh, I guess Spearing is now legal.

herodotus450

Dude even injured himself on the play; but nope, that’s not illegal.

herodotus450

Week 2 and we still dont know what targeting is.

Anthony In TX

Well, down here in Texas, Fox switched from the 1-score game between #3 OSU and #12 Oregon with 7 minutes to go in favor of pre-game analysis before #5 Texas A&M vs. unranked Colorado.
What the actual fuck, Fox?

Redshirt

Ohio State’s fans just willed that 3-and-out.

ArmedandHammered

Boy is being admitted, unable to walk due to very low electrolytes. We are home, will take him stuff tonight and see him.

litre_cola

Oh internet friend, all the best to your son mate.

Anthony In TX

That’s good he’s being admitted! Hopefully this is the first step to his full recovery. We’re all pulling for you and the family.

Don T

Hope your son recovers well.

Gumbygirl

Best place for him.

Col. Duke LaCross

Good vibes headed your way pal.

litre_cola

The manager of Olympique Marseille also doubles as an Argentinean cocaine importer during the week.

litre_cola

Naps are the best. That is all.

Horatio Cornblower

Napland at Chez Hippo
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TheRevanchist

You have any pamphlets for your cult? I’m ready to join now

Anthony In TX

Unpopular opinion: I hate taking naps. I wake up groggy, sweaty, and always have heartburn. Better to caffeinate and crash later.

litre_cola

No nap cult for you!

Everyone said Decilitre would grow out of his naps and that made me sad. He has not, so I am good. He has NEVER woken up past 630 AM and is usually up at 5 so I appreciate weekend naps.

Don T

Flex Time with naps (7-12, NAP 4-7ish) works.

Redshirt

Welp, at least I won’t have to worry about losing in the playoffs this year.

TheRevanchist

I have Michigan winning that division outright.

Anthony In TX

Is this the year Harbaugh goes from “he gets ONE more year!” to “Let’s extend him to infinity so we never win anything!”?

Horatio Cornblower

I hope Michigan lets him go so he can lead UConn to glHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, man. Almost finished that, too.

Horatio Cornblower

“Me too” I sadly say, putting on the Yankees game for reasons that I cannot explain.

Horatio Cornblower

UConn is going to lose by 4 TDs today to a team that thinks this is a good idea:

https://twitter.com/GavinKeefe/status/1436738085690150915

Anthony In TX

“Boilermaker Special” sounds like a prank you play in your buddy’s bathroom.

Brocky

To me a boilermaker special is when my weekend plans at IU were essentially ruined by all those Lafayette idiots invading our campus.

Every single time I heard of someone calling the cops its cuz they had friends from Purdue visiting

TheRevanchist

Ohio state should have learned by now to NOT go for it on 4th down.

Brocky

Redshirt I’ll admit I’ve kinda become attached to OSU the last few years.

Just they’re good at beating teams I dislike. Kinda like the New York giants.

Still fuck gym jordan

Horatio Cornblower

Careful. Based on what Gym’s been willing to pretend he didn’t see in the past he may be inclined to take you up on that.

Brocky

Honestly, I’d go to jail for a chance to kill that mother fucker.

Horatio Cornblower

I’d defend you pro bono.

(I feel like I should say here that I haven’t looked at a criminal law book since 1994)

Brocky

We’ll just get hippo to help

litre_cola

I think he is real estate law. Maybe rev or Don T?

Don T

$10,000 retainer. No refunds. I know the judge; the cousin of the judge’s husband was in my AA group. If you can’t do the time, cash only.

2Pack

C’mon Ducks… you can do this…

Brocky

The idealist in me is wondering the loss of justin fields is dramatically affecting ohio state

The cynic in me is wondering when god will next spread his heavenly ass cheecks to smite me

herodotus450

Their qb who took over hadn’t thrown a pass until last week (in college) so it’s hard to believe he’s not a downgrade.

Brocky

I rewinded the Tennessee game twice to see the cheerleaders and a girl wearing a white top.

I really am turning into my father

Last edited 3 years ago by Brocky
Anthony In TX

That, or you’re turning into Brent Musburger.

Wait, is Brent Musburger your father?

Horatio Cornblower

One of the creepiest moments in live TV history.
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Anthony In TX

It was so weird.
Imagine if that happens today. That’s an instant firing.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh, God, they’d have shot him in the booth.

Which I’m OK with. Musberger sucks.

Brocky

I wish my dad had the articulation Brent has

ArmedandHammered

His knees and elbows don’t bend?

Gumbygirl

His finest moment- Scuzzlebutt!

Scuzzlebutt2.png