Guten morgen, y’all. I hope Santa brought everyone what they wanted this year. 20 years is apparently the fuckloads of leftover Murrikan high-tech weaponry aanniversary. NEVAR stop learnin!
Lesser Footy comes back from its dumbass international break, with Spurs and rebuilding Palace leading things off (7:30, NBCSN). If early fixtures are any indication, expect a dull 1-nil win to the Yid Army.
You get two broadcast and FOUR Peacock-only offerings in the 10:00 window. I really, REALLY hate this schedule compression, but the English absolutely LOVE clinging to outdated traditions. Saints/Hammers is the NBCSN offering, for some unknown reason. The fawning over Ronaldo’s return to Men Untied (against helplessly overmatched Newcastle) is on USA. I’d recommend streaming the Handsome Mikel shitshow (v. Norwich, surely the Gooners at least score a football point?) or the Shempions-relevant Man City against Foxy Footy. That’s all sorts of interesting.
Spotlight dance? Chelski/Villa (12:30, NBC). Could be worse, could be better. Tuchel is an absolute machine, in the most German sense of the word. His side are reflecting that persona.
You want some JV fun and games? You get it!
Illinois (+10.5) at Virginia (11:00, ACCN)
What in the world is the deal with this start time? The f/k/a Illini are schizo, since they were merde last week, bet them here. There will be rushing yardage, each way. Make sure you notice the commitment that the Wahoowa student body has to nonetheless be drunk as fuck.
Oregon (+14.5) at Ohio State (12:00, Fox)
Quack Attack was supposed to be really good, giving thhhheeeeeee a legitimate OOC test. Then, we saw them suck out a close home win against Fresno State. The extra half-point hook makes it unbettable, but remember the GAMBLOR lesson – never overreact to Week 1 performance, Week 2 is frequently a 180 degree turn, or close to it.
Pittsburgh (-3) at Tennessee (12:00, ESPN)
Wow, the JV Stillers as a road favoUrite in SEC territory. How things can change, and dramatically so. A key fixture in each squadron’s Quest FOAR 6-6.
Purdue (-34) at UConn (3:00, CBSSN)
Good Lord, what a dumpster fire. How can one NOT watch? Tune in for some hilarious commentary/shade from our own Horatio.
UAB (+23.5) at Georgia (3:30, ESPN2)
Speaking of not overreacting to Week 1 – yeah, the Dawgs played mighty good defense in their Son de Clem opener. But the offense was responsible for a grand total of THREE points. I’m not saying Gumbygirl’s Blazers (heh, Blazers) will win outright, but I expect some fight and a respectble scoreline.
Texas A&M (-17) at Colorado (3:30, Fox)
Another mighty big line for a team whose offense I question. QUESTION, I says!! More than anything, gives me a chance to play this excellent song for y’all:
Iowa (+4.5) at Iowa State (4:30, ABC)
Partisans of these sides perfer the unimaginative Cy-Hawk Trophy to the much better Cornpone Derby. Bunch of slackjacked yokel motherfuckers. Anyway, this line was disappoint to someone who had hoped to bet Cornpone State, coming off their (usual under Matt Campbell) underwhelming opener – combined with Team Cornpone absolutely pantsing Brocky’s Hoosiers. Hey, sometimes life shits in your hat.
A reminder that tan-suited Barack Hussein Obama put OBL’s stinky, bullet-ridden corpse at the bottom of the ocean. That was all the vengeance my cracker ass needed.
Good night
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Is the Night Time the Right Time?? Dunno, but said thread be up.
“Please do not adjust your set. You did see a white kid return a kickoff. You accidentally turned the tv to the Iowa game.”
I want to offer a significant cash prize* to whomever stays awake until the completion of Rainbows/Niiiiiiiiccccce Beaver tonight.
*funds are imaginary
*also, one must watch the entirety of the fixture
How can an Offense commit “encroachment”? Did they force themselves to false start?
Its not like the refs are being paid to call the game accurately or fairly
UC showed up in the 2nd Half. I guess Coach Fickell’s halftime speech of “If you don’t win this game, I swear to God, I’m leaving. I’m serious, my bags are packed and ready to go.” worked.
…and to think Ohio nearly went to war over Michigan for this sorry excuse of a city.
Me: you know, I sometimes wonder why I hate notre dame so much.
sees refs call three straight penalties on Toledo
Ah, now I remember
“Palpably Unfair Act. Defense. Having a weapon as a team name.”
Like 9/11, ah NEVAR forget
In my alt-universe dystopian novel, Tom Brady is a 4 year starter for Notre Dame and is drafted 1st overall. He wins seven Super Bowl championships for his pro team, the New York Steven A. Smiths.
“Gilkey Faces Inquest” after losing away to bottom-of-table Leicester. Fuck’s sake, I had a guy sent off in the 25th minute AND I am still in 1st position AND I have won the league 79 years running!
ppl forget that Michigan also lost to Toledo; it’s overshadowed by the App St. loss but equally shameful.
Backup-on-backup action in South Bend? Cant be sure, because only the 4th circle of Freemasions has access to the game.
This is complete bullshit. ND is always on and the one time I feel like hate-watching they’re nowhere to be found.
of course, they sucked it out in the end, being good Catholic boys
Fruits are good for you; melons are fruits; melons have rinds; pork has rinds; ipso facto pork is a health food. I’ll be taking questions now about my genius.
Oh jesus just don’t send out the Maestro sandwich signal.
How did you become so wise in the ways of deep-fried pig skin?
Cuse qb stares down his first read, throws the ball into the hands of a defender that is just standing there.
Sillycuse punting from their opponents 41 down 10 with 7 minutes left. Jeebuz Christ!
One might say that is…SILLY?
Of course Cuse has burned all their timeouts with less than 4 to go now. High quality coacherating is what I’m watching.
Notre Dame struggling with Toledo-gotta love it.
Also, Sillycuse and Rutgers are playing some sort of sport that vaguely resembles football.
As a disgusting pervert, I wanted to note that Cornpone State has a consistently excellent and underrated cheer squadron.
NC State is somehow still favoUred in Starkville, so I just put $110 on the Cowbells ML. Hopefully, my Day of Being Very Wrong continues.
It’s supposed to be satire, but it really is the truth. Even my friends that are even more PINKO LIBRUL than I am wanted to turn the whole Middle East into glass the next day. When people talk about how “United” we were, that’s pretty much what they really mean. And it led to twenty years of exactly JACK SHIT.
Never forget.
https://www.theonion.com/americans-fondly-recall-9-11-as-last-time-nation-could-1847607772
The Onion always gets it right!
I remember their 72-point headline that they kept up for a week
“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!”
I would track it down and post it, but I gotta head out for Navy Corner at the Command Master Chief’s house. With the other member present, we will have the makings of a Russell Crowe film, starring in “MASTER Chief and Lieutenant COMMANDER.”
Hey folks, quick housekeeping announcement. I turned the auto update for comments to 3 minutes instead of 30 seconds – 30 seconds was MURDERING poor old DFO on Thursday. So it’ll still update, just slower. Please be patient as we work through the kinks on the new season.
Did you remember to buy cigarettes?
SO MANY
Mrs. In TX assures me that 3 minutes is preferable to 30 seconds, so you’ve got her seal of approval.
These guys are pretty funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-Eafh3hmRc
THANKS, INTERNET DAD
Wondering what kind of kink the DFO server is into. Robot on robot? The Fox Football show robot getting drilled by,say, Bender. Or something weirder?
I took the dog for a walk with UConn down 7-0. Suffice it to say I covered more yardage during our stroll than UConn seems to have done so.
Now on pace to lose 70-0, and another reminder to never take Hail Gamblor! advice from yours truly.
Surprising things:
1) Holy shitsnacks, Toledo up on the Domers at the half
2) Purdue driving to cover that UConn spread…by HT.
3) Maybe #2 shouldn’t be all that surprising, in retrospect
oy vey, Blazers done got they buzz harshed on
CORNPONE DERBY TIME
I went to the Texas A&M game because they are losing to Colorado, which is hilarious.
It won’t last, but damn funny while it does!
Oof, ma Blazers are gonna have a rough day. But, I went to Georgia through my Junior year so it’s not a total loss for me.
I see Cincinnati has responded by finally making the Big 12 Conference by resting on their laurels.
Haha fuck notre dame
Evergreen komment.
Oh, so now the referees want to do a replay?
Ohio State didn’t help themselves by shooting them in their foot several times, but in the end you can’t beat a team that has the refs on the payrolls.
Is it just me, or was that Duck DB the only dude near that pass? Nice dump off there…
Ginormous D, Pitt!
So the Pac12 Officiating Crew ruled the Pac12 team didn’t commit Targeting. Seems legit.
UConn down 7-0 at the end of the 1st quarter. On pace to lose by 28. BUT THE SPREAD IS 34, SO THAT’S A W FOR THE HUSKIES, BABY!
I have come from the future to pet your poor sad head.
Huh, I guess Spearing is now legal.
Dude even injured himself on the play; but nope, that’s not illegal.
Week 2 and we still dont know what targeting is.
Well, down here in Texas, Fox switched from the 1-score game between #3 OSU and #12 Oregon with 7 minutes to go in favor of pre-game analysis before #5 Texas A&M vs. unranked Colorado.
What the actual fuck, Fox?
Ohio State’s fans just willed that 3-and-out.
Boy is being admitted, unable to walk due to very low electrolytes. We are home, will take him stuff tonight and see him.
Oh internet friend, all the best to your son mate.
That’s good he’s being admitted! Hopefully this is the first step to his full recovery. We’re all pulling for you and the family.
Hope your son recovers well.
Best place for him.
Good vibes headed your way pal.
The manager of Olympique Marseille also doubles as an Argentinean cocaine importer during the week.
Naps are the best. That is all.
Napland is calling Hippo, fo sho.
Napland at Chez Hippo
You have any pamphlets for your cult? I’m ready to join now
Unpopular opinion: I hate taking naps. I wake up groggy, sweaty, and always have heartburn. Better to caffeinate and crash later.
No nap cult for you!
Everyone said Decilitre would grow out of his naps and that made me sad. He has not, so I am good. He has NEVER woken up past 630 AM and is usually up at 5 so I appreciate weekend naps.
Flex Time with naps (7-12, NAP 4-7ish) works.
Welp, at least I won’t have to worry about losing in the playoffs this year.
I have Michigan winning that division outright.
Is this the year Harbaugh goes from “he gets ONE more year!” to “Let’s extend him to infinity so we never win anything!”?
I hope Michigan lets him go so he can lead UConn to glHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, man. Almost finished that, too.
THIS JOB SHOULD BELONG TO YOU, give them horse steroids and watch the 4-8 miracle happen!
“Me too” I sadly say, putting on the Yankees game for reasons that I cannot explain.
UConn is going to lose by 4 TDs today to a team that thinks this is a good idea:
https://twitter.com/GavinKeefe/status/1436738085690150915
“Boilermaker Special” sounds like a prank you play in your buddy’s bathroom.
To me a boilermaker special is when my weekend plans at IU were essentially ruined by all those Lafayette idiots invading our campus.
Every single time I heard of someone calling the cops its cuz they had friends from Purdue visiting
Ohio state should have learned by now to NOT go for it on 4th down.
Redshirt I’ll admit I’ve kinda become attached to OSU the last few years.
Just they’re good at beating teams I dislike. Kinda like the New York giants.
Still fuck gym jordan
Careful. Based on what Gym’s been willing to pretend he didn’t see in the past he may be inclined to take you up on that.
Honestly, I’d go to jail for a chance to kill that mother fucker.
I’d defend you pro bono.
(I feel like I should say here that I haven’t looked at a criminal law book since 1994)
We’ll just get hippo to help
I think he is real estate law. Maybe rev or Don T?
$10,000 retainer. No refunds. I know the judge; the cousin of the judge’s husband was in my AA group. If you can’t do the time, cash only.
C’mon Ducks… you can do this…
The idealist in me is wondering the loss of justin fields is dramatically affecting ohio state
The cynic in me is wondering when god will next spread his heavenly ass cheecks to smite me
Their qb who took over hadn’t thrown a pass until last week (in college) so it’s hard to believe he’s not a downgrade.
I rewinded the Tennessee game twice to see the cheerleaders and a girl wearing a white top.
I really am turning into my father
That, or you’re turning into Brent Musburger.
Wait, is Brent Musburger your father?
One of the creepiest moments in live TV history.
It was so weird.
Imagine if that happens today. That’s an instant firing.
Oh, God, they’d have shot him in the booth.
Which I’m OK with. Musberger sucks.
I wish my dad had the articulation Brent has
His knees and elbows don’t bend?
His finest moment- Scuzzlebutt!