Guten morgen, y’all. I hope Santa brought everyone what they wanted this year. 20 years is apparently the fuckloads of leftover Murrikan high-tech weaponry aanniversary. NEVAR stop learnin!
Lesser Footy comes back from its dumbass international break, with Spurs and rebuilding Palace leading things off (7:30, NBCSN). If early fixtures are any indication, expect a dull 1-nil win to the Yid Army.
You get two broadcast and FOUR Peacock-only offerings in the 10:00 window. I really, REALLY hate this schedule compression, but the English absolutely LOVE clinging to outdated traditions. Saints/Hammers is the NBCSN offering, for some unknown reason. The fawning over Ronaldo’s return to Men Untied (against helplessly overmatched Newcastle) is on USA. I’d recommend streaming the Handsome Mikel shitshow (v. Norwich, surely the Gooners at least score a football point?) or the Shempions-relevant Man City against Foxy Footy. That’s all sorts of interesting.
Spotlight dance? Chelski/Villa (12:30, NBC). Could be worse, could be better. Tuchel is an absolute machine, in the most German sense of the word. His side are reflecting that persona.
You want some JV fun and games? You get it!
Illinois (+10.5) at Virginia (11:00, ACCN)
What in the world is the deal with this start time? The f/k/a Illini are schizo, since they were merde last week, bet them here. There will be rushing yardage, each way. Make sure you notice the commitment that the Wahoowa student body has to nonetheless be drunk as fuck.
Oregon (+14.5) at Ohio State (12:00, Fox)
Quack Attack was supposed to be really good, giving thhhheeeeeee a legitimate OOC test. Then, we saw them suck out a close home win against Fresno State. The extra half-point hook makes it unbettable, but remember the GAMBLOR lesson – never overreact to Week 1 performance, Week 2 is frequently a 180 degree turn, or close to it.
Pittsburgh (-3) at Tennessee (12:00, ESPN)
Wow, the JV Stillers as a road favoUrite in SEC territory. How things can change, and dramatically so. A key fixture in each squadron’s Quest FOAR 6-6.
Purdue (-34) at UConn (3:00, CBSSN)
Good Lord, what a dumpster fire. How can one NOT watch? Tune in for some hilarious commentary/shade from our own Horatio.
UAB (+23.5) at Georgia (3:30, ESPN2)
Speaking of not overreacting to Week 1 – yeah, the Dawgs played mighty good defense in their Son de Clem opener. But the offense was responsible for a grand total of THREE points. I’m not saying Gumbygirl’s Blazers (heh, Blazers) will win outright, but I expect some fight and a respectble scoreline.
Texas A&M (-17) at Colorado (3:30, Fox)
Another mighty big line for a team whose offense I question. QUESTION, I says!! More than anything, gives me a chance to play this excellent song for y’all:
Iowa (+4.5) at Iowa State (4:30, ABC)
Partisans of these sides perfer the unimaginative Cy-Hawk Trophy to the much better Cornpone Derby. Bunch of slackjacked yokel motherfuckers. Anyway, this line was disappoint to someone who had hoped to bet Cornpone State, coming off their (usual under Matt Campbell) underwhelming opener – combined with Team Cornpone absolutely pantsing Brocky’s Hoosiers. Hey, sometimes life shits in your hat.
A reminder that tan-suited Barack Hussein Obama put OBL’s stinky, bullet-ridden corpse at the bottom of the ocean. That was all the vengeance my cracker ass needed.
The Nutcracker Theme – YouTube
I had a feeling this would’ve happen last week. When Ohio State struggles against Minnesota, that’s a red flag right there.
But similarly, looks like you just needed a kick in the (bad pun) nuts to wake up.
You fucking dumbass! You snapping the ball with :01 second. Why the fuck are you dumping the ball off?!
This is shaping up to be wors weekend ever. I am at the ER waiting group see if my son is being admitted. He has alcoholic neuropathy and cannot feel or control his legs, plus has jaundice. I had to go get him from a hotel yesterday where he spent 2 days drinking 1.5 handles of vodka and unknown amount of amaretto. As he is 350 lb at ft 3 inches I had to use the desk chair to wheel him out to the car, after 4 hours drying out in the car he could walk into the house but has gotten worse today. He has no insurance although we tried to talk him to getting ACTA during the enrollment period. So my son is very a sick and we are going to be broke for awhile. Sorry to vent, but I feel that I can here and not try to be mature and manly keeping it together.
My prayers for him and your family. You are a saint.
My wife and I can’t figure out how he has been drinking as much as he claims. A full handle every two days for the last 3 months, granted he worked late and came home after we had gone to bed. I feel so oblivious.
Alcoholism like any addiction is usually hidden when it starts and it affects countless people. The one good thing about that sad fact is: you are not alone.
I am not surprised. I hid my heavy drinking for years from a lot of very smart people. When you get a chance, tell him for me: 25 + years sober, and ZERO regrets. There is a better place for him, I trust he will find it. But he must find it, you can only help, he has to want it. Help for him is out there, it saved me.
Mrs. In TX is 6 years sober. We went to hell and back, it damn near destroyed our marriage, I had PTSD, she went to rehab twice and had to live in a sober house, but thankfully she’s clean and dry now and life is SO much better.
Gumby has 2 years now. Even with the residual health problems, life is better!
It really is!
One joke we keep making is “Imagine how much more expensive dinner would be if we were drinking!”
Yup. I don’t miss it at all. He takes a few edibles to help him sleep at night, and that is it. I will have an occasional glass of wine, and I smoke a few hits off a doob. No hangovers!
Best wishes to your son, you and your family.
Please keep us posted. You need some support and we are here.
I hope he gets well first, then gets help. You are doing what fathers do, hang tough my friend, much respect.
I was gonna say that too. You’re a good dad no matter what you think.
My dad got sober 30 years ago, and his whole family was pretty unsupportive. My grandpa thought he needed “to just get over it”. My grandmother was legitimately dissapointed there wasn’t champagne at his wedding.
Yep, my Dad would be “he just needs to man up and not buy any liquor, this is because you never used the belt on him when it was needed”
I’m so sorry to hear that. Vent away, friend. This is your safe spot and we’re here to listen.
We spent all of our retirement money trying to keep our son alive. We had insurance, but mental health coverage is as big a joke as dental insurance. He had multiple 30 day hospitalizations that weren’t covered, and two outward bound type residential treatment programs that insurance didn’t touch. Was it worth it?+Absolutely, we had at least 10 years with him that we wouldn’t have had otherwise. I know how hard this has to be for you, but I can assure you you won’t regret doing everything you can to help him. I’m not a prayer, but I’m sending you best wishes and positive thoughts.
Keep us informed, and my thoughts are with you and yours.
I’m starting to realize I’m outnumbered in the Clubhouse today.
“I know that feeling” – Gen. George A. Custer.
September 11, 2021
To the Anti-Buckeye Commander,
N U T S !
The Pro-Buckeye Commander
It’s okay. There are going to be them times. Just talk shit back and never admit you are completely wrong. It works for ESPN pundits. Make it work for you, too.
I spent the past six year railing against “alternative facts”. Now its my only hope.
Suck it, the entire state of Ohio!
And Redshirt’s “What the fuck was that?!” Verbal Reaction to a Commercial Counter increments by one.
Ohio State literally caught the Oregon defense looking at their watches.
Tricksydown Pitt, woohoo!
Ohio State is down 0-7 in the 2nd Qtr. The natives are starting to get restless.
And like that, they score.
Stop jinxing it!
I went to the Billy Joel concert last night at the Reds stadium. It was pretty good. His face does show his age, but he still has the voice.
I’m not going to say something facetious like “I can die now”, but only because it was a sellout, few masks were being worn and I’m not planning to die by reason of irony.
Last night I learned that some people pronounce the word “mannerisms” as if it rhymes with “aneurysms.”
Today I learned that my coworker does that.
Thank God I’m out of this motherfucker in a few weeks.
That legit should be an affirmative defense to murder.
I agree.
“Your Honor, she says ‘man-your-isms.'”
“Oh! Well, case dismissed!”
“Manner” + “isms” or “Man-your-isms”?
“Man-your-isms.”
I hate it.
Yeah, it should be law to flick someone in the throat whenever they do that.
She also doesn’t know the difference between a macaron and a macaroon. When I tried to gently explain how those are two totally different things, her response was basically “whatever! I’ll say what I want!”
She’s gonna be disappointed when she wants a macaron and gets a coconut cake cookie.
Gumby had a secretary years ago who called the UPS truck the Yoohoo truck. Her dog was a Golden Receiver.
Yeah, I have a Speech Impediment and I have been told by several Speech Pathologists, that yes it does matter how you say it.
If you can get her to mix up an octagon with an octaroon you might be able to get her fired.
She’s 1/2 Puerto Rican and 1/2 Cuban, so it might not be too hard…
The “that’s my stapler!” guy is quartered backing the Vols. And now he’s Black!!
The original!
https://youtu.be/SPXUDw_LlNA
That’ll do , Pitt. That’ll do.
QUACKERS!
If they run the table, Fresno State looks even better. So fuck Ohio State!
Pretty psyched for Raducanu (-176) vs. Fernández (+145). Rooting for la canadiense.
Ah yes, but both were born in Canadia! The half Romanian moved to the UK when she was 2.
Ha! Happy day for Canada.
/googles Romanian for “know-it-all”
CBSSN bought the rights to Serie A, but is NOT broadcasting Juve away to Napoli??
Even if Ohio State wins, they are still stuck in Ohio.
A most excellent point. And Quack Attack gets to move back to the best state in the Union (per Hippo).
Holy crap what happened to Swansea? Are they trying to play a match with Sunderland?
My Tennessee bet looks much better than the Illinois one.
Kickoffs are so anticlimactic now, especially game opening ones. Instead, one team should be forced to run a hook and ladder play and the number of laterals they complete somehow determines their starting field position.
Per my luck, GF’s contract would be signatures at page 17, and at the bottom of page one: “The following are grounds for stabbing:”
She’s got baggage and no one needs to deal with that shit. Dump her and shit on her car windshield to make sure she gets the point.
Fully concur.
Baggage? She’s a fucking container ship.
Nice try Hermione.
Would so counter with 17 pages of dick jokes.
I am so glad I dated before this info age bullshit. Back when near cave man rules were in place.
The funniest aspect to me is that people under 18 can’t generally sign enforceable contracts anyway.
And WHY THE FUCK do 17-year olds have access to Tinder? That’s creepy as creepy can be.
Ever since the categories expanded to “single – in an open relationship – clergy”
The only dating promise I can deliver is never saying “I dunno. What do you wanna eat?”
Bro thats MY go to line. We must be brothers from diffrent muthers…
The ref did an absolute terrible job, and security has to escort him off. It wasn’t favoritism, as he messed up calls on both sides, big time. Either way, Wrexham won and is still undefeated. Yes!
Wondering why it was necessary to issue this denial…
<blockquote class=”twitter-tweet”><p lang=”en” dir=”ltr”>WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton (D-DC) issued a statement today denying responsibility for letting loose the six zebras that have been on the run in the D.C. suburbs.</p>— Jennifer Bendery (@jbendery) <a href=”https://twitter.com/jbendery/status/1436348310311297036?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>September 10, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async src=”https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js” charset=”utf-8″></script>
She must own zebras no? Like the tiger lady?
Exhibit A
That’s probably not Eleanor Holmes Norton, but chances are pretty good it’s an Eleanor. The Karen of the 1920’s.
My teevee guide says “Toledo @ Notre Dame (peacock only)” which I assume means that ND is letting their peacock squad play the game to make it fair.
That bellow you heard from Casa de Fronk is Mikel Antonio getting a red card in the last minute of extra time.
Well the Whites can’t catch a break again. 1st loss of the season, guess they won’t be promoted…
Tell me about it!!!1111 – Stephen M., Arlington, VA
Well, it is 9/11; probably shouldn’t expect the Whites to be at their best.
Gooners finally break their golazo cherry!
Surely this will break the dam!
/Game ends in a tWBS.
It’s so weird for me to see David Moyes in full trackies.
ok, Illinois might be legit poop
Yeah, it sucks.
Oh, you mean the football team.
Leave it to Lenny Dykstra to come up with the perfect tribute to 9/11.
https://twitter.com/guy_freire/status/1436541092137144321
“Hey Robin, Nails here…”
Someday I am going to kill Jesse Cofield with a shovel; all I have to do is play these goddamn Draft Kings ads on a loop and no jury in the world will convict me.
why must her eyes be always so meth-like wide open and DO YOU KNOW how hard one must work to get me to hate a lithe blonde who wants me to gamble MOAR???
Just gonna leave this here and let our Midwestern contingent have at it.
https://twitter.com/terminalyill3st/status/1436366606867877917
Día de Los Muertos spandex says “Sí”, but ankle tattoo is too much for my inner 81-year old.
I stared at the picture for a good minute and I think that’s a shadow from the shrubbery.
Go get her, you swarthy homewrecker you!
Guten morgen leute, wie geht es uns?
Alles gut. Du?
Sehr gut!
Jesus, Ronaldo can’t help but literally fall into goals.
Wrexham just scored. 1 – 0.
“The Gang Gets One Right”
“Oh no!”
-All sheep in north Wales
“This is baaaaaaaaaaaaad for us”
Sorry, sorry, I’ll show myself out.
Old Carlin joke – Why do ranchers fuck sheep by the edge of a cliff?
So the sheep will push baaaaaaack.
SIX Prem fixtures in action, ALL nil-nil
Granit Xhaka is pleased with the neutrality.
Remember our poor international NFL brethren for tomorrow when there are 8! games going in the early window.
EDIT: redacted; they got this guy a long time ago. The boys are bored, they need another prominent antivaxxer to kick the bucket! Idle hands are the devil’s plaything!
The important thing is that they had the reason to arrive, late or not.
Today’s JV wagerings:
$50 on Illinois to win (+320, is down to +315 now so I feel SMRT!)
$40 on Illinois to be ahead at HT (+225)
$100 on Tennessee to win (+145)
I recommend taking UConn and the points, (but by no means the win; it is to laugh), as after last week’s debacle against Holy Cross Randy Edsall announced he was retiring at the end of the year, and then within 24 hours the Athletic Director announced that no, actually Randy would be retiring right fucking now.
The new HC (interim; UConn is searching for some in-over-his-head bag-of-crap as we speak), is the defensive coordinator, and apparently the players are thrilled. I expect them to be motivated enough to keep the loss within 30, albeit barely.
If you can find a bet on the stadium attendance, take the Under.
Amazingly enough, there is currently no ML option available.
Probably some corollary to the rule against betting on the Special Olympics.
Dear colleagues — I have just positioned my dining room table right next to my moving-picture-box so that I can enjoy the Arsenal-Norwich match whilst I tuck into this delectable meal that the manservant has prepared. Should the Gunners drop points against these dreadful Canaries, I shall ensure that Mikel Arteta is working in the depths of Kimberley by the end of the day.
Got in at 3:30 from Ubering drunk co-eds last night, so I’ll be watching team Cabbage Rolls and Coffee with one eye open and pouring tea all over my face like Ted Striker.
Go Hammers!!!
https://youtu.be/zGbNZAyQWTA
Did anyone offer to pay with a handy??
We should have “oh, how fucked is my sleep schedule” Sabado, soon.
I remain indifferent to college football but enjoyed these previews and hope your bookie doesn’t have to break another of your bones.
“El Assico” is of my preferred nomenclature.
That name is reserved for the Brazil v. Brazzers match, Sir.
Pretty sure Reece Davis just paraphrased Nick Saban by saying “poop through a tin horn.”
Spurs down to 10, and I don’t think they have a shot on target.
They will finish with ONE shot on target, and win 1-nil.
I’m not into “What if?” crap. But one gets me riled: what if Gore had become President* in ‘01? I don’t think 9/11 happens.
/gauntlet dropped
* Not “win the election”, ‘cause he got the votes. Not in TN tho. Nor the Supreme Court 😅.
LockBox!!
I mean, having a president who can read may have helped with security threats. We know that memo at least wouldn’t have gone unnoticed.
America would have been better off taking 9/11 square in the ass and neither confirming nor denying as much CIA/SF killing as possible.
Instead we had leadership who knew how to turn 9/11 into a war with Iraq.
But the nation is failing and is well passed a point of no return so arguing over how we got here isn’t important anymore because everything at this point is just air (and mostly treasure) escaping the body.
It’s hard to say whether it would have happened or not.
But had it still occurred, I imagine the US’s response would have been markedly different, including no desire to go finish daddy’s war in the Middle East (how’d that work out for you, Dubya?).
For him personally? Fine. Little to no personal cost. For the country and families of service members? Not so much.
All hail the (less than) mediocre white man
“The f/k/a Illini are schizo”
I know it’s “formerly known as,” but all I can see is “fuck/kill/’arry” and now my brain is trying to make a connection between Illinois and Hogwarts.
It’s “kill Ron, f (adult, and I cannot stress that enough), Hermione, and after that I don’t know enough about the characters to make a lifelong commitment.
Ginny’s your marry.
But I’m on board with your other 2 choices.
I guess this is her at 28, and the bathing suit’s recycled, so she’s eco-conscious, too! Good call.
That Ron Weasley, tho. Red on the head, fire in the hole! – Marc T., Parts Unknown
Somewhere the horn in an empty, windowless van somehow lets out a single, mournful toot.
Good find!
Also, since DonT is here, a cool Puerto Rican lady singing (this has been on satellite radio lately):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFy03i_LRO8
Mmmm. Está chévere 👍🏼
Spurs don’t have their solitary soccer point, yet. But it sure is dull as dishwater. But hey, allowed me to draft the night thread!
/also, I slept almost 16 full hours last “night” – having gone to bed at 2:30. 2:30 in the AFTERNOON.
A case could be made for 12:30 PM early suppers.
You mean #ThirdLunch, right?? – Andy R., Kansas City, MO
Christ, it’s a banner day/night for me if I can sleep for more than three or four hours in one continuous go without waking up.
Same boat, brother. If I don’t see 2, 3, or 4 am on the clock, something is probably wrong.
I do like having what seems like a full night sleep and seeing it’s only two AM. Problem is sometimes it’s hard to get back to sleep. Time for another nightcap!
That’s a beautiful thing, especially if you know you need to get up in the morning–“three-plus more hours of sleep!”