Yes, I will still half-assedly talk of teh futbol.  But we have some mouthwatering title matches, with $7,000 in September Prop Bet Possibilities for Hippo.  C’mon Team Secular Big Love State and Northern Illinois!  Make Hippo feel not-head-in-oven-y for a few days!!

Hammers/Chelsea is worth waking up for.  And you’ll have to (7:30, NBCSN).  Good thing my asshole cold pretty much ensures that, without any special effoUrt.  Moyes’ crew may have hit a little bit of a wall of late, with those “Poison Chalice” Europa ties catching up with them.

Newcastle/Burnley are featured at 10:00 (NBCSN), because who doesn’t like watching the two least fun, relegation-bound squadrons for a neutral?  The other TV fixture is a hard pass for Hippo, though (Shite/Wolves on USA).  Perhaps I will stream Saints/Trashbirds, or perhaps I will just nap.

Watford/Man City is a strange Spotlight Dance (12:30, NBC), but I guess they knew they’d be competing against JV NFL, anyway.  Or they just think “City v. anyone” is must-watch stuff.  Spoiler – it ain’t.

Sunday is largely dross, but Men Untied take on Palace (9:00, NBCSN), which could be watchable.  We aren’t willing to discuss Monday Night Footy.  Sorry, Gooners.  But please beat us senseless enough that we fire the manager.  Please.

Wakezilla: I was finally able to unlock my cage that work had contained me in for weeks to share this breaking news. . .that was leaked about 10 days ago. Romain Molina is a respective lesser footy journalist who decided to burn every bridge imaginable and leak everything. Here is a list of all the biggest nuggets:

Baylor (+5.5) v. Oklahoma State @ JerralWorld (Noon, ABC)

Having just beaten Steerfuckers North (a Hailey’s Comet-calibre rarity), BDSM State is primed to either force its way into the playoffs (forcing in?  Game RESPEK Game, sez BayBay) or shit their dick in most spectacular fashion.  I am not sure that’s enough value for a ML bet, though.  But this could absolutely go either way.

Kent State (-3.5) v. Northern Illinois @ No-Fuck Lions House of Sadeness (Noon, ESPN)

Of all the conferences that play title matches at someone’s home stadium…you’d expect MACtion to surely be on that list, no?  But…no.  NIU went 6-1 in one-score MAC games, with that “1” being a bananacakes 52-47 loss to these very same Guardsmen.  If this game finishes 25 or 6 to 4, you know shenanigans are afoot.  TUNE IN FOAR GAMBLOR-RELATED CORONARY EVENTS WOO!!!

Utah State (+6) v. San Diego State @ Old Clippers du Merde Temporary HQ (3:00, Fox)

Technically, this is a JV BOLTMEN! home tilt…but their stadium is being renovated.  Thus they play their “home” matches in fucking CARSON, apparently a 3.5-hour drive from campus.  Ain’t that some shit?  Team Secular Big Love State is your classic high-variance Mountain West team, whereas JV BOLTMEN! play great defense and caveman offense (ie, you always know exactly what you’ll get).  Mildly fascinating.

Appalachain State (-3) at Louisiana Lafayettes (3:30, ESPN)

The ‘fayettes lost their coach to the Florida Men, but is Hippo surprised to see Happy Appy favoUred on the road?  He sure is, Other Hippo!  Bet accordingly.  RIP, actor Nelsan Ellis (see banner pic).

Georgia (-6.5) v. Alabama @ Megatron’s Butthole (4:00, CBS)

Is this the last SEC title match for the “git off-a mah lawn” geriatric CBS crew?  Fuck, I…hope so, but also don’t.  HIPPO HATES AND REJECTS ALL CHANGE.  Speaking of thus, one expects this to be the title matchup like 4 of every 5 years going forward.  Doubt we will ever see Nick Saban’s Roll Damn Tide an almost full TD underdog ever again, though.  I bet his mentioned this “disrespect card” a time or two during match prep.

Houston (+10.5) at Cincinnati (4:00, ABC)

NO Pressure, JV Team WKRP.  You got a home game against a middling (but not without talent) JV 500s squadron, playing completely loose.  Your fans know that a win almost 100% assures you of a playoff appearance, perhaps even the 3rd seed (because the not-Condi committee would love a UGA/Okie State first rounder for TV purposes).  What could possibly go wrong?