A Modester Proposal: DFO Buys the Denver Broncos (and Tuesday Open Thread)

I have been called many things: Dreamer. Madman. Mrs. Ethel Burstein.

But this is not some delusion of grandeur, like that time I thought I could renew my drivers license in less than two hours.

No, this dream can come true. WILL come true.

DFO is going to buy the Denver Broncos.

It sort of got lost in the leadup to the Most Glorious Patriots Curbstomp, but a Denver judge cleared perhaps the last major remaining hurdle to the Broncos’ liberation from Pat Bowlen’s Poor Reproductive Choices. When Bowlen bought the franchise in 1984, the seller (Edgar Kaiser Jr., who sounds like the villian of an 80s ET knockoff trying to buy the alien for his abusive petting zoo) retained a right of first refusal on sale of the team. For the lucky few of you DFOists who do not bear The Lawyers’ Curse, that meant if Bowlen tried to sell a portion of the team, Kaiser had the option of repurchasing that portion on those terms. If this sounds familiar, Kaiser tried (and ultimately failed) to assert this when Bowlen offered to sell Ol’ Horseface 10% upon his retirement in 1998. Kaiser died in 2012 and Bowlen punted his last in 2019, and the judge appears to have ruled that any right of first refusal died with these two old white Canadians.  So now, the sale, which Steward of Gondor Joe Ellis wants done before the 2022 season.

The NFL currently places certain restrictions on prospective ownership groups:

1.A controlling owner holding at minimum a 30% stake in the team,

2. No ownership groups of over 24 people, and

3. No publicly traded corporations, religious groups, governments, or non-profit organizations owning a team.

Some of these are no problem. DFO Corporación, although taking in absolutely no money, is not technically a “non-profit”. Nor are we a government, at least not until Project Wombat comes to fruition. The Mysterious High Council of DFOverlords has an undisclosed number of members, but it is fewer than 24. So we’re looking good so far.

Now, you may notice I have not mentioned the Religious Organizations prohibition, nor the small matter of how we come up with somewhere north of $3 billion. Fortunately, we live in the Age of High Dollar Buffoonery, where a confluence of social, political and economic forces allows us a Unique Opportunity.

Step 1. DFO becomes a Church. We already have a robust pantheon of Gods, Goddesses and Lesser Demons, plus a rakishly handsome Head of the Faith (wink). However, we’re going to have to take a page from the early Catholic Church and wholesale co-opt parts of more popular religions in order to further our goals (looking at you, Mary and Easter). So we’ll incorporate some FCA-derivative Christ stuff about salvation and division titles cometh only through Him, etc.

Step 2: We launch a multiprong crypto-fundraising effort. First, we sell NFTs of the True Cross, the Shroud of Turin and Bored Apostle Yacht Club pictures. We also launch a DAO with the stated objective of buying the Holy Grail and moving it to the Bass Pro pyramid in Memphis. With that billion, we buy at least 20 GOP Senators, Brett Kavanaugh and Rush Limbaugh’s skull to carry before us.

Step 3: We announce on Fox News that our generous bid to buy the Denver Broncos (whose stadium is, after all, closest to Heaven) has been refused by the Godless woke liberal communists that are the NFL Owners. Tucker Carlson becomes literally rabid on air. Every aspiring Trumpite candidate denounces our shabby treatment. Donations pour in to Own the Libs.

Step 3: The Supreme Court finds the NFL’s rule to be blatant discrimination against one of the Jesus-y religions. Congress passes the Religious Freedom Re-Restoration Act, mandating sale of the franchise to us. It passes unanimously, because the Democrats want to appear bipartisan.

Step 4: DFO buys the Broncos. Our resident Bronco fans will be named on a three-year term to the Mile High Mystery Committee, who anonymously run the team and issue decisions in the form of Delphic verse. Rex Ryan and Suzy Kolber are hired in ceremonial positions. Reverend Mayhem is named Chief Pontifical Officer and gets to sit in the Owners Suite with no shoes on. Every DFO Commentist gets a day with Limbaugh’s skull, like an even-more-depraved Stanley Cup. John Elway gets his own little enclosure, where rich rubes can pay to feed him a carrot or bleach his teeth.

The plan, as you can see, is so simple and foolproof that the Dallas Cowboys couldn’t fuck it up.

NFL NEWS:

-Pro Bowler Budda Baker is (relatively) fine after nearly paralyzing himself on a tackle Monday night. He was immobilized and carted off, but was diagnosed with a concussion.

-jaguars special teamer Lerentee McCray was arrested in Florida and charged with aggravated fleeing, a second degree felony. At about 1 am, the Man tried to pull him over for doing 88 in a 50 zone. His response was allegedly to give Smokey the middle finger and kick it up past 100, driving erratically. After the first cops (wisely) gave up the chase as dangerous, McCray eventually came to a stop, was arrested and taken to a hospital. Upon being confronted by the original pursuing officer, McCray responded “Oh that was you? My bad.”  Which is just a Hall-of-Fame level response.

-Browns starting DT Malik McDowell was arrested after being found naked wandering near an in-session school. When a cop arrived, McDowell allegedly beat him severely.

None of this is funny. McDowell was drafted in 2017 but sustained a severe head in an ATV accident before he could play. He subsequently got into legal trouble that got him an 11 month jail sentence. The Browns decided that putting him back on the firing line was a responsible thing to do, signing him before the season and wringing 33 tackles and 3 sacks from what was left of his prefrontal cortex.

I’m all for letting a person make their own employment decisions, but the Cleveland Browns should lose a draft pick and the team doctor who certified him to suit up should lose his or her license. This is first-order horseshit, no less reckless than Brian Kelly putting that kid up on that scissor lift. Excoriate me as a paternalistic asshole in the comments as you will.

I won’t be able to hear you from inside that sweet, sweet Owner’s Box