NFL Owners

Y’know, I had a whole rant worked up about owners. It was pretty good too – it started with just a general reviling of the billionaires club in general,

without forgetting the mouthbreathers that comprise the Packers “ownership group”.

But rather than wander around these here internet pages yelling about anyone and everyone, let’s focus on the two specific wonders that Sunday’s game is built around,

Big Enos himself, E. Stanley Kroenke

whoops – wrong guy,

and notorious penny-pincher & failson, Mike Brown.

Each of these people have, in their own odious way, become poster boys for what the NFL now is.

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Stan Kroenke is what happens when you become rich & marry into wealth. There are certain people who populate this blog that have particular feelings about the gentleman. Why, just three years ago, Internet Dad contributed to Day Four of the 2019 Hate Week with a loving tribute to Enos Kroenke entitled,

While the whole thing is an excellent character analysis of a man that has no character, I will crib the choice bits from that heartfelt treatise on modern sports ownership:

I hate this man with the passion of a white-hot supernova.

You instead spent the years that you owned the team shoving metaphorical shit in the faces of the people of St. Louis by saddling us with “Mr. 7 and 9” Jeff Fisher.

His piece of garbage COO/professional liar Kevin Demoff had been lying to the city of St. Louis for years about how the team was dedicated to staying.  When Stan Kroenke bought that parcel of Inglewood land in 2014, the die was cast, but they didn’t want to end the team’s support in St. Louis, so they kept up the façade of negotiations, sending Demoff to lie repeatedly on local St. Louis radio stations.

That’s right, Stan Kroenke didn’t even have the guts to lie to our faces.

The NFL has gotten the last nickel they ever will get from me.  I won’t be watching the Super Bowl.  It is entirely the fault of one Enos Stanley Kroenke, the St. Louis native named after two Cardinal legends who told his hometown to get fucked and walked off with our team.

In the three years that have passed since that moving tribute, I like to think of Stan Kroenke as the man who proved moving a franchise does have ancillary costs. To avoid going to trial over his move to LA from St. Louis, the League – meaning all 32 teams – will agree to pay $790 million to St. Louis for the Rams departure in 2016. This is far more than the $100 million Kroenke offered to try to make the case go away months before the League pushed him to settle for more. But since he forced the League to help him pay, because he threatened to settle just his portion & let the rest of the teams face trial without him, he won’t be out-of-pocket more than he believes he has to pay. A real fucking gem that guy is.

But some good stuff already came out during discovery, especially the “Adios, Motherfuckers” letter. But my favourite is that – to help grease the wheels out of St. Louis – then & current Rams COO Kevin Demoff had been sending the League office St. Louis crime stats in order to pave the way for declaring the city a – to use the Trumpian language – “shithole” and making the move about saving the franchise.

Just like Internet Dad outlined in 2019.

Not helping matters are allegations that the League is in fact violating it’s own rules when it seems convenient, which is something anti-trust lawyers might be taking a look into. This is particularly troublesome for the League, as the Brian Flores lawsuit hit the press just as the two-week orgy of Super Bowl media was about to begin.

Oh my – I seem to be hogging the spotlight here. Let me just make a quick call…

[Flip Phone Flies Open]

Beerguyrob: Hi Internet Dad, it’s me, Beerguyrob.

Internet Dad: Hi Beerguy, thanks for calling. WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY SMOKES?!

BGR: Umm… sorry there, sir. The CITGO was out of Marlboros, so I had to go to the next town over.

ID: And you got lost in Illinois? Well, that tracks. Look Junior, I don’t have time for any of your fartin’ around. I’m a busy, busy, angry man.

BGR: I grant you that, sir, but I want to write about Stan Kroenke for Hate Week, and I thought…

Internet Dad takes a deep breath,

Internet Dad: THAT MOTHERFUC– … hey, do you smell toast? / line goes dead

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So, uh… Okay then, let’s move on. Mike Brown…

Mike Brown….

I know he’s cheap,

The Bengals are about to go to the Super Bowl and they came to UC to practice because they don’t have an indoor practice facility. Great team but terrible organization. pic.twitter.com/3ag9GmeRni

— McLaren Mood (@BearcatsMood) February 3, 2022

but what am I going to write about… (Looks down DFO roster…) REDSHIRT!

[Email Flies Open]

Mike Brown: The Nadir of Success

By Redshirt

Like most Bengals fans, I found myself reassured seeing the AFC Championship Post-Game Show return from commercial to show the Bengals players and coaches still on the field celebrating their AFC Championship victory, almost like we were expecting this to be take away somehow.  Even the radio broadcast by long-time commentators Dan Hoard and Dave Lapham, who after years of watching this team sounded still in disbelief for what was occurring before them.  After years of suffering, ineptness and Bungaling, our team is going to the Super Bowl!  We’re going to watching our team in the Super Bowl…

…on TV! Partly because the league only alloted Bengals’ season ticket holders 2,000 tickets for a stadium that seats 100,240; mostly because it’s going to cost at least $10-15,000 for tickets, airfare & minimum three-nights stay with the Official Travel Package of the Bengals and the NFL. (Unless laserguru‘s friends in the 111th St. Crips feel like putting you up.) There’s always sucking Jim Irsay’s dick for free tickets, or whatever his giveaway plan is, but the fear is becoming MORE addicted to drugs.

Still – this is really happening!  There’s Zac Taylor!  There’s Joe Burrow!  There’s Ja’Marr Chase!  There’s Ickey Woods!  There’s….
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Oh, yeah.
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Him.
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The guy that cut Sam Wyche three years removed from a Super Bowl appearance because he wouldn’t do things the way he wanted and even said he resigned instead of being fired so he wouldn’t have to pay out his contract.

The guy who picked Dave Shula as head coach over Bill Cowher because he saw a kindred spirit in another son of a famous football icon and refused to hire him experienced coordinators to make up for his lack of experience. (Five internet bucks who can identify Mike Pope and Ron Lynn in five seconds without looking up their names)

The guy who drafted David Klingler despite having a QB in its prime four years removed from starting the Super Bowl and a defense that couldn’t stop a snowflake from reaching the ground and then changed how he successfully thrown the ball in college and put him behind five turnstiles masquerading as an NFL Offensive Line to the point where he had more broken bones and body parts than wins.

The guy that parlayed a third-string QB’s run of success into a completely one-sided stadium deal that crippled the county with a threat of moving the team to Baltimore, and then had the audacity to use the Baltimore Bengals prototype logo as the present-day logo for the Cincinnati Bengals. (I have no facts to support this, but I will bet real money that B-logo was made for the Baltimore Bengals and not the Cincinnati Bengals).

The guy that will parlay this recent success into another completely one-sided stadium deal that will further cripple the county with a threat of moving the team to San Diego or St. Louis.

The guy that didn’t give fat football players extra large towels until Ki-Jana Carter used his own money to buy the fat football players the right sided towels, that Karma rewarded him by completely destroying his knee on the Pontiac Stadium turf in his first pre-season game.

The guy that gave up on Jeff Blake after him pulling this team from below-average to average because the QB was 5’11” and everyone knows no good QB is less than 6′.

The guy that convinced Boomer Esiason, after one hell of a swan song in 1997, not to return to the team but instead take a job at ABC as a color commentator.

The guy who turned down Bruce Coslet’s desperate plea in building a team around Jeff Blake because “everyone knows you need a franchise QB”.

The guy that turned down an entire team’s draft selections and more, just to draft Akili Smith, whose two pretty good years as Oregon’s QB screams “franchise QB”.

The guy who gave second chances to so many morally questionable players in the mid-2000s, the sports beat was doubled as the crime beat.

The guy that kept refusing to improve a team so much, it caused his franchise QB to retire.

The guy that saw a playoff appearance and first round loss as a “complete success”.

The guy that saw his team completely and utterly lose a playoff game after having it won by a complete lack of discipline and responded with not changing a thing.

The guy that kept Marvin Lewis around long after the poor defeated guy was burnt out and checked out.

The guy that thinks a scouting department is “whatever the Madden video game says we should draft”.

The guy just got handed the Lamar Hunt trophy. 

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The guy just got handed the Lamar Hunt trophy.
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The guy just got handed the Lamar Hunt trophy.
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Mike Brown just got handed the Lamar Hunt trophy!
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Mike Brown’s team is going to the Super Bowl?!

I should be mad. I should be furious! This guy doesn’t know his ass from his tight end and he’s 60 football minutes away from possibly being called NFL Champion. I don’t care that this team is too young and stupid to know it shouldn’t be pulling shit like this. I don’t care that Zac Taylor is such a player’s coach that he knows exactly what buttons to press to get the best out of his players. I don’t care that Joe Burrow is such a good player that his teammates would run through to brick wall on the off chance he requests it of them. At the end, Mike Brown put this team together. If the stars align and if Joe Burrow can be given some time, by next Sunday, Mike Brown could be handed the Lom… the Lomba…. the NFL Cha…. I CAN’T EVEN TYPE IT!!!! 

I should hate that other far, far, FAR, FAR more talented football minds and athletes may elevate Mike Brown to NFL immortality. I should hate Mike Brown for putting me through so much pain and anguish that I can’t bring myself to enjoy this moment. That’s a fact: The Cincinnati Bengals are going to the Super Bowl, and I don’t even feel excited about it. I led the Bengals to several NFL Championships on Tecmo Super Bowl, NFL QB Club and Madden NFL video games, and I’ve gotten a thrill every time I saw a video game version of David Klingler, Jay Schroeder, Jeff Blake, Akili Smith, Jon Kitna, Carson Palmer and Andy Dalton winning the Super Bowl. We could be 60 football minutes from seeing Joe Burrow winning it for real, and it doesn’t feel like Super Bowl Week to me. It feels like Week 21.

That is what Mike Brown has done to me. I’m numb to joy and happiness! I should be mad at Mike Brown. But the bitch of it is…I’m not.

Mike Brown is a bad owner, but from stories from past players and coaches and interviews, everyone says he’s a nice guy. He doesn’t show up in the news like other owners. There is no stories about Mike Brown getting caught in a sex sting. There is no stories of Mike Brown sexually harassing cheerleaders or promoting a hostile work environment. While he may have threatened to (and most like will also do it again), he didn’t move his team and break his fans hearts. There is no stories of Mike Brown being the face of the franchise at the expense of his coaches and players.

The worst you can say about Mike Brown is he’s a terrible General Manager and he’s cheap. Compared to some other owners in the NFL’s, that’s almost worthy of beatification. 

Whenever there is a story about Mike Brown, it’s a positive one. He’s charitable. He may be conservative to change, but part of the reason the Bengals are where they are now is, he has changed. He has loosened his grip on the team. His children has taken over most of the day-to-day operations. Also, while he’s still holds the title of “President”, he’s not the GM. That title has been held by Duke Tobin, who put this team together. While they all still report to him and ultimately he’s in charge, he was a big enough person to admit that his way wasn’t working.

Also, he cares for his players. Part of why he kept giving players second chances, was because he didn’t want to give up on them. He was resistant on doing a Ring of Honor because he didn’t feel it was the team’s responsibility to do it and it was the NFL’s. He only relented when Ken Riley was not only ignored by the Hall of Fame selection committee, his death wasn’t even acknowledged by the NFL in their NFL Honors’ “In Memoriam”. He convinced Boomer Esiason to retire and take a job at Monday Night Football, even though Esiason could’ve easily came back and led the team to a 9-7 record in 1998 and possibly grooming a rookie QB as a replacement. Instead, the Bengals went 3-13 and Boomer Esiason was next to Al Michaels every Monday night, starting a 2nd career that lasts to this day.

Mike Brown. That guy is going to the Super Bowl. That guy may even win the Super Bowl. I should be mad, but I think I can live with it. There are worst thing that are happening in the NFL that that.

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I let Redshirt ramble because catharsis is good, and each of us that isn’t a FAHKIN PATS!! fan can appreciate what he has going for him right now. It’s been a couple of years since he last looked upon a Bengals team with no promise, and it’s been five years since I studied the hate that flowed through the fanbase. He needs to enjoy it now, because – deep down – we all know Mike Brown will fuck up contract talks with Chase or Burrow. Enjoy this chance at happiness, big man.

On the other hand, I hope Internet Dad is okay. I thought I knew where he lived, but the Budweiser plant stopped taking my calls. And St. Louis 911 doesn’t answer out of town calls unless it’s to help Republicans protect their property from BLM protesters.

Tonight’s sports:

• Olympics: – start times based on the CBC schedule
  • Freestyle Skiing:
    • Men’s Freeski Big Air Final – 10:00PM
  • Snowboarding:
    • Women’s Snowboard Cross
      • Qualifications – 10:00PM
      • Finals – 1:30AM
    • Men’s Halfpipe – Day 5 – 10:00PM
  • Alpine Skiing:
    • Women’s Slalom
      • Run #1 – 9:15PM
      • Run #2 – 12:45AM
•  NHL:
  • Penguins at Bruins – 7:00PM | Sportsnet1
• NBA:
  • Celtics at Nets – 7:30PM | TNT
  • Bucks at Lakers – 10:00PM | TNT
• NCAA:
  • Marquette at UConn – 6:30PM | FS1
  • Kentucky at South Carolina – 7:00PM | ESPN
  • Auburn at Arkansas – 7:00PM | ESPN2
  • Villanova at St. John’s – 8:30PM | FS1
  • Illinois at Purdue – 9:00PM | ESPN
  • Michigan at Penn State – 9:00PM | ESPN2
  • UCLA at Stanford – 11:00PM | ESPN2

With the above stories in mind, why not add a little joy to your hearts by purchasing a square in the [DFO] Super Bowl Challenge!

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/17jv-FpG-EBULVk9EtwP5WSsyJn9d-rzOwmpgPBxSJd4/edit?usp=sharing

It’s perfect for the Redshirt who needs more incentive to watch, or an inveterate Hippo who needs fewer Susan B. Anthonys.