Remember that old SNL sketch “Fecal Matter with your Host, Doug Fecal”? No? Yeah I figured it was just me. It was a solid (heh) talk show format with a specialized host and topic. Well, we ain’t exactly doing Pod Flies Open around here, but what about in written form, maybe say like a mix between Doug Fecal, Jack Handey, Balls’ 25 questions, Rev’s take on Larry King, and I don’t know, my own fucked up mind? With that backdrop I present to you the fourteenth edition of a potentially sporadically recurring irregularly scheduled Random Thoughts with BFC!  Now also (occasionally) in open thread form! If you want to make this interactive, drop a note/question/bon mot in the comments ala my old Mouth Flies Open attempt at an advice column.

• LitreCola is off tonight, something about meeting another internet friend IRL.  I’m not jealous, just worried that someone is going to get murdered.  NGL, since I’ve met Litre, it’s better for me if he’s the murdered vs the murderer.
• Ah, the NFL offseason. When other sports don’t seem to exist because they’re just not the same. And that’s one of the many reasons my mind keeps racing from random thought to random thought.
• Plenty of offseason action already, and has your team done something cool like trade for DJ Moore or cut Ezekiel Elliott? Or has your team done something they think is cool but is profoundly stupid, like spend too much money to re-sign Geno Smith and wait for him to regress to the mean.
• I know, I owe Boris a bottle of hooch. Boris, would you meet me in South or central Florida as a compromise?
• No matter who you root for in the NFL, I think speak for all of us when I say fuck Aaron Rodgers with a rusty scabbard.
• Toward the beginning of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Indy tells his class he’ll be doing office hours for the next hour and a half if anyone has any problems. And then he jumps out of the fucking window to escape from those students that have questions. What a shitty teacher.
• Is it just me, or is the actress from those annoying Drivetime commercials sneaky hot?
• I couldn’t sleep the other night (an increasingly frequent occurrence), and I had pulled up a Cougar Town clip on youtube for one of my many links in a DFO post.  Next thing you know I’ve watched like 3 full episodes and fallen asleep on the couch with the show still going.  You’re welcome for the hulu residuals, Courtney Cox.
• Speaking of suboptimal behavior patterns, I’m currently eating like a goldfish. Doesn’t even matter if I’m hungry, I just keep eating like Jared Lorenzen at the post game buffet/trough.
• What’s that, Jared Lorenzen is dead and has been since 2019? Am I supposed to feel bad about the joke or not being surprised given his later playing weights?

• Moving on, here’s a list of ridiculous book titles I’ve come up with recently that should never be published but to which I assert retention of the rights–
  • Let Your Meat Rest: A Guide to Grilling and Sexual Self Discipline
  • Other Barry and You, Getting to Know Your Psychotic Inner Self
  • Top 50 Reasons I’m Not a Farmer
  • Shut the Fuck Up With Your Sea Shanty Bullshit
  • I Give Amazing Advice and Can’t Take Any of It (A Memoir)
  • Add It To The List So I Can Keep Making My Life Harder (Another Memoir)
  • Let’s Go Visit Grandma in Hospice (A Children’s Book)
• Earlier this year, Amazon quietly shut down their Amazon smile charity giving, the sneaky fucks. I lost the only thing making me full just a tiny bit better about how Amazon was making the world worse every time I order from them.
• How the hell can Trader Joe’s afford to sell a Waldorf Salad for $4.99?  Salad, walnuts, chicken, grapes, chopped apples, celery, dressing, plastic container, labeling, have to be $3 or so, there is at least SOME labor involved, the cost of the machines/assembly line, shipping, stocking, and some loss from rotten salads they throw away…..I’m guessing child labor or something nefarious is going on.  Salad is pretty tasty, though.  And makes me feel dumb for ever going to Sweetgreen or Chop’t.
• On one of my recent flights, the guy next to me was housing a bag of Trader Joe’s roasted peanuts. Bold fucking move, bringing on the one thing the airlines all stopped serving since it can kill their passengers.
• Some of you may remember the ethical conundrum I raised regarding the laptop charger from the hotel lost and found. Well I paid that forward this very day, as a colleague misplaced her laptop charger and the hotel generosity has this been passed to her. She also intends to pay it forward further when she reclaims her original charger at some point.
• The word “hijinks” should be spelled “hijinx”. In singular and plural forms.
• Alright, this is just fodder for you all to share what’s going on in your lives, so let’s get to the fill in the blanks and let the commentists take it away–when it comes to dealing with stress eating, my mother always told me ___________________.

What’s on Tonight?

Baseball?

Getting closer but for now only in Arizona and Florida.

Football?

Even the XFL and USFL aren’t bothering to play yet/on Thursdays/don’t expect me to keep track of either of those leagues.

Basketball?

Thunder at Clippers on NBATV at 9:30PM DFO time, does that count?

NHL

This isn’t really my bag, but…

Wild @ Flyers at 5:30PM DFO time on ESPN
Penguins @ Stars at pm DFO time on ESPN
Other ice-capades on local affiliates as applicable

Aussie Footy?

Yuuup. Carlton and Geelong already played today, watch that or stay up for Brisbane and Melbourne.  But NO SPOILERS! Seriously, though, you should be watching this sport.

Nothing else, really.  Maybe a jigsaw puzzle or a nice book. Have you tried talking to your family/cohabitants/strangers at the bus stop?

FINE, there’s college basketball / March “madness” on offer. Check your local listings.  I’ll be on a plane, so do whatever you want.  Just let us know about it in the comments.

In the meantime, our resident new Jimmy Garoppolo fan Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, has a new DFO playlist for us to enjoy.  This one comes to you as a result of the Request Line prompt of “SPORTS!” “Dirt.” I have no idea what the puzzle song is, because I don’t understand how he does the puzzle clues.  You might say I find it all….puzzling.

HUZZAH, to the music, sports, and music about sports!