This week’s suggestion of our good friend to the North, and noted aficionado of all thing hobo-population controlling, Scotchnaut. He suggested “best supporting athlete/actor ever” as a topic. He actually suggested it a while ago and I like it enough to bookmark it for a night when it was really hot and humid in Connecticut and I’d spent the day at the gym, installing air-conditioners for a friend of ours who just had spinal surgery, walking the dog 2 miles because he’s too dumb to realize it’s hot, and then kayaking for nearly two hours because I’m too dumb to read a map and correctly estimate a distance, (but I did get to see an osprey power-dive into the water after a fish; it was not successful), and then start drinking before realizing it was Sunday night.
You know, like tonight.
Anyway, we’re going with the person you’d pick if you needed an assist. I am going to expand it to any figure from pop culture who give the main character a much-needed boost to get things done. And also from the world of sports. The only limitation is that it has to be a figure from the public world; we don’t care how helpful your grandmother’s neighbor is. That’s a draft for ‘Bill Belichick in an alternate world,’ something I am not willing to promise I will never do.
With the first pick Scotchy is taking Bobby Jones of basketball fame, specifically your newly crowned champions Denver Nuggets, and later on Philadelphia 76ers.
Here’s Bobby getting ready to make what looks like a pass leading to an assist. First one I found.
With the second pick I will take the NHL leader is assists, (2,223; I had to look it up), one Wayne Gretzky.
I desperately need a shower, so the rest of you are on the clock.
THRILLHO
Keefe. Willing to debase himself in pretty much any manner for Kelvin. There’s a less than zero chance his story ends good for him, But he remains loyal.
My first and only pick:
Horatio’s dwarf
Fuck. WCS just won the draft!
Yup. we’re done here. Might as well put up the open thread at this point.
I hate all of you.
Aww, so cute!
We love you! And the little fellow too.
R2D2 was a pretty helpful lil chum.
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Jim
3rd round, Benjamin Orr, base player for the Cars. While Rick Ocasek was the leader, Ben actually sang lead on many of their biggest hits.
https://youtu.be/msAcTMKMSKA
Damn fine bass player, too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oxJDZaLmDg&ab_channel=yuffenough
Bite my shiny metal ass. Bender’s the name of the game.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3x_AnRjoUk&ab_channel=NextofKen
OK, I have to run into a deposition.
As usual I leave you in RTD’s despotic hands.
with my first pick i take RTD as Horatio’s sidekick.
*scrolls back through draft*
Dammit, did I miss the dwarf getting picked?
I see WCS just shut it down up above. Well played, Your Highness-adjacent!
Ser Podrick Payne.
Came up from a mere squire to become a reliable knight. Saved Tyrion from an assassination attempt by running a spear through the back of a guy’s head. Sang like an angel. Proved a reliable and unfailingly loyal friend to Brienne. And he’s known as ‘The Tripod’ at certain brothels because he’s hung like a horse.
Donald “Boon” Schoenstein, Otter’s sidekick. Always up to help out with some new mischief.
Since I Blair Witched my first pick, lemme try again with a valet who can make a pitcher of Bloody Marys or Eggs Woodhouse.
Narf!
I considered him but then there are the theories that he’s really the main guy and The Brain is the sidekick…
2nd round, Antonio Pigafetta. Magellan’s assistance and record keeper and the ultimate leader of the dozen crewmembers who made it back after circumnavigating the planet the first time.
3rd pick: Chewbacca
That’s great value!
Albert Neri. Nothing like a disillusioned ex-cop to get the dirty work done.
Superb pick.
Also not sleeping with the fishes, which gives him a distinct advantage over Luca Brasi.
Not only was Magic the best passer ever (fuck off John Stockton), but he assisted in beating the shir out of HIV.
Would you say he was the Blair Witch of the NBA?
I think he is!
Aw dammit, sorry.
Neal Cassady-he was buddies with both Jack Kerouac and Ken Kesey and showed up in their novels more than a few times.
I guess no one is going to take him, so here goes:
Lionel Messi
Messi may hand out tons of assists, but whatever team he’s on plays through him. I’d argue his teammates assist him rather than the other way around.
He’s not a pure scorer. His game is to create. Sometimes his assist-worthy passes are returned back to him. If it was hockey, he would get a lot of assists on his own goals.
https://punditfeed.com/lists/most-assists-in-football-history/
Yeah, in hindsight it’s pretty much the same reasoning I used taking Gretzky, so I’m just gonna shut the fuck up now.
John Cazale. He was in only five movies, all as a supporting actor.
The Godfather
The Conversation
Godfather Part II
Dog Day Afternoon
The Deer Hunter
Five movies, five Best Picture nominees. He received no nominations, and died of cancer before The Deer Hunter was released.
John Stockton, like a zillion assists passing to Malone
3. Lloyd the Bartender at the Overlook Hotel. Serves drinks, gives you helpful advice, releases you from your confinement (in the book, at least), provides you with “tools” you can use to “correct” misbehavior from your family members. As helpful as a friend/confidant as one could want.
Real pick: Waltine Nauta. The guy stays loyal to & commits crimes for tRump, and is now facing a 90 year sentence for it. Still won’t testify against him, unless I am mistaken.
Misplaced loyalty, but true loyalty nonetheless.
That’s certainly a high-ceiling, low-floor pick. He could flip at any moment and you’d have to cut him and eat a HUGE salary cap hit.
If it means he’s fucking over tRump, I could live with that…
(Joke Pick) Yevgeny Prigozhin. Whadda pal.
#2) All equipment staff on professional teams.
Having worked in this role, it is pretty thankless and there are long nights and a shit ton of grunt work, but it’s necessary for team success
Does that include fluffers on porn sets?
According to lots of athletes in all sports, the biggest contributer to their success is not their hard work, their work ethic, the support of their families, or their genetics. It is God, so he is the reason they succeed making Him the greatest maker of assits ever. Of course most atheletes seem to be idiots. My non-existant athiest soul shivers at the idiocy of these people.
From the master:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9Os-r-f3pE
Pagoda. He was true blue.
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I’ll raise Rikki’s Richter with the OG Late Night sidekick: Ed McMahon!
Rocket Raccoon
Off topic but I would have lost a lot of money on betting if this would ever happen
https://twitter.com/WUTangKids/status/1673111748222615553
I love it unironically.
1st Round. Buzz Aldrin. He did most of the work at the first moon landing site while Neal took pictures.
He also punched a moon-landing denier in the face, so his intangibles are off the charts.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4hieHY0jHM
Sam Gamgee.
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I mean, for Christ’s sake he literally carried Frodo up the mountain. Without him Sauron would have taken Middle Earth the way a fat kid takes all the cupcakes.
Every single referee in a Tom Brady QB’d football games. They made him what he is today.
A bit broad, but given the overwhelming evidence I have to allow it.
Those looking for late round talent with the potential to meet the same standards Brady set would do well to consider a flyer on one Patrick Mahomes.
I actually had that on my board and I am not joking.
2nd pick: Spock – Kirk would have been drummed out of Starfleet if Spock wasn’t there to pick up the pieces and fix the shit Kirk broke.
(swears in Vulcan while ripping up draft board)
Robin the Boy (or Girl) Wonder. Keeps Batman grounded.
“Oh, so that’s why Eli calls me that. Well that’s another week without Nickelodeon for our caped crusader.”
-Olivia Manning
Going with another 70ies Steelers pick in Jack Ham. He wasn’t flashy or infamous like Lambert, he just shed blocks & made tackles. Got the shit done.
2. Lorenzo Neal.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wg7pnd1HIIY
Dr. John H. Watson. Where would Sherlock Holmes be without him? And more importantly, who would have supplied him with pharmaceutical- grade cocaine?
Well, it was during the Victorian era, so I imagine Sherlock could’ve gotten cocaine, morphine, laudanum, or anything he wanted from his freindly neighborhood chemist.
(Doc Brown voice) I’m sure in late 1800s, you can get cocaine from any corner store, but here in 2023, it’s a little hard to come up with.
I mean, you can pretty much still do that. I’ve never indulged but I’ve always known someone who knows someone.
Yeah, depends on which “corner store” you’re going to.
True. The good old days.
Can I take Foxy Cleopatra in Austin Powers? Who knows what Bey Bey and I could get up to?
Oddball from Kelly’s Heroes.
Instrumental in finishing the bank heist and I can finally use it in a mock draft
You beautiful bastard.
The French Army because without them, the American Colonies do not defeat the English in the Revolutionary War.
No going back now, you’ve burned your last bridge to the GOP!
Rocky Bleier. He wasn’t a force of nature like Franco, but he got the job done.
Dude had part of his foot blown off in Vietnam before the Super Bowls.
Putin doesn’t look for Pierogi under his bed at night, he looks for Bleier.
For outfield assists, the rocket arm (despite playing LF) of one Bernard Fuckin’ Gilkey.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eB9wi_zvMdM
yeah, but Bo’s a fatty now
Still trhow it on a dime I bet.
Doesn’t he coach Pretend Man City at the decrepit old age of 200?
Cliff Booth from Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.
Damn good friend to Rick Dalton. Fixer of things, knows his way around the psychedelics and damn handy when the crazies come to visit.
Ooh, that’s a fantastic pick.
1. (repick) Andy Richter.
He controls teh universe!
1. John C. Reilly. He’s a terrific supporting actor, and he’s played some great supporting teammate type characters over the years (Reed Rothschild, Cal Naughton, Jr., etc.)
This is my fault. I should have specified that, in the case of a fictional character, you’re taking the character. The actor playing that character would still be available for other sporting roles they may have played.
John C. Reilly is a terrific example, so RTD can go ahead and take his favorite JCR supporting role with no penalty.
Oh. Well, if it’s not a package deal, it’s no longer as appealing of a pick.
[card withdrawn, retires to war room to consult with scouts]
Alright, going with Doc Holliday for my first pick.
I guess it pays off to work early. I’ll take Magic Johnson.
Whoever the guy was that took the fall for Ray Lewis.
I’ll take Scottie Pippen, the man who was never gonna win it all on his own but who absolutely made Michael Jordan better/brought the Bulls to the next level.
Also, not sure where everyone is, but you should all stop whatever you’re doing and watch this amazing bit of graphics editing in one of Scottie’s commercials (before the whole gun charge limited his pitchman appeal)
https://youtu.be/40YkCQcMCpQ
Explains why “Oceangate” was chosen for a corporate name, MR. SUBMARINE was already taken.
He doesn’t tip therefore he is a knob of the highest order.
Taking The Great One feels like a cop out here…
Jealousy does not become you, sir.
and he’s kinda got a lot of goals too.
/fuck Ovi