INTERIOR, REPUBLIC RECORDS LOBBY. A DESPONDENT RECORD EXECUTIVE SITS ON A BENCH, WITH A CATHOLIC PRIEST STANDING

PRIEST: The relationship…is dead.

RECORD EXECUTIVE: No. No, not again. Taylor’s fans are rabid, but our research indicates another album of thinly-veiled spite songs will crash her brand. Swifties today want love. They want hope…not “Every Man I Date is a Shithead, Part XII (Taylor’s Version)”…

PRIEST: Then you must accept God’s plan… (clicks a remote in his hand to turn on a TV on the opposite wall)

RECORD EXECUTIVE: Why are even here? This is a record company, not a church.

PRIEST: I’m trying to revive the Gregorian Chant craze from the 90s. I’ve got a bunch of Benedictines that can bust a move and I want you to listen to their demo. They’re called “Boyz II God”…

RECORD EXECUTIVE: Shut up. But maybe you have something here for Taylor. She needs to be back in a relationship before she goes back into the studio. Maybe she needs to date someone who isn’t an actor or a musician…a true American meathead…

[Camera pans to the television, showing Monday Night Football as Patrick Mahomes throws another underneath touchdown to TRAVIS KELCE)

CUT TO THE POWER AND LIGHT DISTRICT THREE WEEKS LATER. KELCE AND SWIFT EMERGE FROM A STEAKHOUSE ARM IN ARM

SWIFT: That was so much fun. I haven’t gone to a normal steak place since I left Reading. And I’ve never seen someone eat almost a whole 94-ounce ribeye in one sitting before.

KELCE: (burps quietly) Yeah, I try to keep it to 72 ounces or less during the season, but I figured it was a special night. Besides, if you manage to finish the Full Reid, you get to stand on the sideline and pretend you’re the offensive coordinator for a season. That’s how Matt Nagy keeps getting the job.

SWIFT: Well, keep trying and I’m sure you’ll get there. Where are we going now?

KELCE: Well, I’m not supposed to know about it, but they’re throwing a party for me at Arrowhead to celebrate my fourth All Pro selection. Would you like to come?

EXTERIOR, ARROWHEAD DOWN ON THE FIELD. PLAYERS, TEAM PERSONNEL, FAMILIES SHOUT AND PLAY. SWIFT AND KELCE ENTER TO THE CHEERING AND BACKSLAPS OF ALL. SUDDENLY, A KERMIT-THE-FROG VOICE BOOMS OUT FROM THE PA

VOICE: Taylor! Taylor! Over here, Taylor! I love you!

KELCE AND THE CROWD LOOK AROUND FOR THE VOICE, UNTIL SOMEONE POINTS UP TO THE VIP SUITES

KELCE: Is…is that Patrick?

CAMERA CUTS TO THE SUITES

PATRICK MAHOMES: Look at me, Taylor! It’s all for you!

MAHOMES JUMPS FROM THE SUITE, HANGING HIMSELF WITH ONE OF THOSE STUPID HEADBANDS HE WEARS

KELCE: My God, Patrick! Taylor, what was that about?

SWIFT: What? That happens all the time on my tours. Most of my stadium gigs end up looking like there’s Spanish moss growing from balconies. Why do you think we sell “Eras” branded body bags at every concert?

CUT TO INTERIOR OF A CHURCH. A BLOODY AND DISHEVELED KELCE DRAGS A SCREAMING SWIFT TOWARD THE ALTAR

SWIFT: No! No, I’m not ready to get married!

KELCE: Taylor, honey, sweetie, that’s not what’s about to happen…

KELCE PULLS A BAG FROM HIS COAT, REVEALING A SET OF SEVEN “KATY PERRY” BRAND DAGGERS

KELCE: Jesus, you guys put your faces on everything…

SWIFT: No! No! Don’t hurt me, Daddy!

KELCE: God help me! I don’t want to do this, but it’s a case of…Bad Blood

A COTERIE OF SWIFTIES BREAK DOWN THE DOOR OF THE CHURCH, LEVELING THEIR “1989 TOUR” SHOTGUNS AT KELCE. A FLASH OF ORANGE-WHITE LIGHT…fade to black.

EXTERIOR ARROWHEAD. TWO COFFINS ARE LOWERED INTO THE GROUND AS ARCS OF BARBEQUE SAUCE SHOOT OVER THE TOP. A CROWD OF GRIEVING FANS IS SEEN PERFORMING A SOLEMN, SLOW “TOMAHAWK CHOP” ACCOMPANIED BY A MOURNFUL “OOOOooooOOOOO” DIRGE.

ANDY REID: Miss Swift, I am so sorry for your loss. I know none of us want to be alone right now. I’m headed out to eat my body weight in funeral pulled pork with a friend, if you’d like to come. Do you know Tom Brady?

FIN

OK, so it’s been an incredible Halloween here at DFO- thank you again to all our authors for contributing, and I can’t wait for our next Theme Story Day on Easter: “The Last Temptation of Christ”.

Wait…maybe we’ll workshop that one.

Anyway, it’s Trade Deadline Day, coming hot on the heels of National Tendon Awareness Day on Sunday. As noted by Hippo in yesterday’s recap, damned near everybody was killed and their corpse devoured on Sunday, opening up some real trade opportunities.

-Washington, having lost the last vestiges of hope for the playoffs and what little self-respect they still possessed, has made two trades so far. Montez Sweat, their 2019 first round pick who is not dead, was shipped off to the Bears for a 2024 second-round pick (currently sitting around 34). Washington’s presumed logic was that Sweat will be a free agent after the end of the season, and they would not have room to franchise tag him because they needed to tag or sign their other free-agent-to-be defensive end Chase Young.

Whom they promptly traded to the Niners for a 2024 third rounder.

The move leaves the cupboard nearly bare for whoever replaces Ron Rivera next year as Washington’s head coach. At this point, they have two stud defensive tackles, a deeply talented but inconsistent WR1 in Terry McLaurin, and a bag of balls. I applaud Washington for wringing two relatively-early-round draft picks out of two guys on expiring deals (especially with no word that either has worked out an extension with their new team). But you traded them because neither one was going to voluntarily re-sign with your shitty-ass shipwreck of a team, which points to the larger issue.

San Francisco is the clear winner here- their DE play on the other side from Nick Bosa has been atrocious, and they likely have two third-round compensatory picks coming their way. It’s not free money, especially after the Trey Lance Fiasco, but it hurts a lot less than, say…

The Bearistocrats!  For the second year in a row, Ryan Poles has made a terrible trade at the deadline costing them a high second round pick. Last year’s trade was at least explicable at the time- although the Bears were 3-5, they had shown some signs of life and needed to see whether Justin Fields could function with a better set of receivers. Unquestionably, a second-rounder for Chase Claypool was too much, but I understood. Now, we have a Bears team that was projected to be Big Sellers- they suck, they have a lot of draft capital, and a lot of cap space to make some Big Changes after what is shaping up as an even-loster-than-normal lost season. So what do they do?

1. Overpay

2. For the older and less impressive Washington defensive end

3. On an expiring contract with no apparent agreed extension.

So the deal ends up being a high second round pick for a nine-game rental in a season where any sane team would be tanking. Just stunning work.

-Buffalo has again raided the Green Bay defensive backfield, trading a third-round pick for cornerback Rasul Douglas and a fifth-rounder. Although I would have like to see them continue the fleecing of the Bears by picking up Jaylon Johnson, Douglas is a clear upgrade for a secondary that has been decimated by injuries. He is also signed through 2024, which is nice.

-The Vikings kept Danielle Hunter and traded for Josh Dobbs, exchanging a sixth rounder for a conditional seventh in the deal. Good on Arizona for capitalizing an asset that they had just benched in anticipation of him falling to third on the depth chart once Kyler Murray comes back. Meanwhile, Dobbs will have his third uniform of the season, after being acquired by the Cardinals from Cleveland at the start of the season. I’m not sure what Minnesota is thinking here.

-The Lions have acquired Donovan Peoples-Jones, presumably to shore up the hole that Marvelous Marvin Jones left in the depth chart.