In these Off-season Open Threads, I’ll sum up the week that was, provide you with TMI-style information, and throw some random spaghetti at the wall and see if it sticks.

This week, I spent quite a bit of fun time with Lady Balls.

I would love to tell you about it, but this blog is on enough watch lists already and Hippo already judges me plenty WASPily. Instead, I will give to you BALLS’ GUIDE TO BEING WITH A LATINA. There are a few things you need to know should you venture into this world. This was inspired by Don T’s Wednesday Motivational in which he talked about Owning Deception.

***

You Buy The Ticket You Take The Ride

That’s not just an idiom. Literally, being with a Latina is taking a ride. A rollercoaster ride of emotions and actions that will drive lesser men crazy and to the poorhouse.

She will change emotions so quickly that you will get whiplash. Just when you think everything is good, she will pick a fight for shits and giggles.

At least you will think that it’s for shits and giggles, but in reality there’s a purpose. Which leads us to:

***

She Will Challenge And Test You

Latinas are not shy or timid or submissive by nature. They have a mind and they’re not afraid to use it. They can use it really well to find very ingenious ways to test you. Granted, women in general will test you, but Latinas will test you to the extreme to see how you will react.

Have you ever had a girl pick a fight FOR YOU? Meaning she picks a fight with someone and then expects you to do the physical fighting for her when things go wrong? Congratulations! You’re already acquainted with dating a Latina.

Have you ever had your girl mad at you because of something you did IN HER DREAM? Have you ever had her tell you you’re wrong and that she should call her Dad or, even worse, her EX because he’ll know what to do?

Have you ever had all of these things happen to you ON THE SAME DAY? Only a Latina does that.

The reason she does that is because she wants to see your reaction. What are you going to do when she does that?

Which leads us to:

***

She Wants You To Put Her In Her Place

To put it in a more PC way, she wants you to establish boundaries. She wants to see how much she can get away with. If you don’t set boundaries, God help you. The best thing that will happen to you is that she will leave you

The worst thing that will happen to you is that she will not have any respect for you, she will treat you like shit, and she will use you until your resources are dried up.

That’s the Latina Difference (trademark pending). The reasoning behind this is:

***

She Wants You To Be A Man

A lot of things have been written about toxic masculinity. That’s not what I’m talking about. Unfortunately, too many times traditional masculinity is conflated with toxic masculinity to everyone’s detriment.

Y’all need to remember that the Latino culture is where the word “macho” comes from. In its simplest terms, it means that she expects you to:

• Handle yourself (be able to defend yourself if necessary and keep cool and collected when shit goes down)
• Defend her
• Handle her (take care of her emotionally and make her feel safe to be herself)
• Satisfy her needs (think Maslow with a heavy emphasis on sex)
• Provide for her and her young
• Be a role model for her young

If you can’t fill ALL of those roles, she will find someone who will.

To that end:

***

She Will Love And Defend Her Family To The Death

Before you get too excited, remember that her family equals her blood. This is the people whose blood is running through her veins (Mom, Dad, Grandmas , and Grandpas) and those that she brought into this world (Sons and Daughters).

Everyone else is disposable. If you don’t pass one of her tests in Year Ten of your relationship, you best believe you’re getting replaced.

So, you may ask, what is the bright side?

***

The Bright Side

She will never stop surprising you. Life with her will never be boring. You will be in awe of what she will do for the people she loves. She will take care of herself and take pride in herself and her looks until the day she dies. She will make you a better person in general and a better man.

It will be the ride of your life.

And the sex? As Don T says, “Uf!”

***

Your weekly Psych gif:

***

Your weekly hot girl pic:

***

Your weekly music video:

***

I’m assuming there are sports on tonight, but honestly I don’t care.