Remember that old SNL sketch “Fecal Matter with your host John Fecal”? No? Yeah I figured it was just me. It was a solid (heh) talk show format with a specialized host and topic. Well, we ain’t exactly doing Pod Flies Open around here, but what about in written form, maybe say like a mix between John Fecal, Jack Handey, Balls’ 25 questions, Rev’s take on Larry King, and I don’t know, my own fucked up mind? With that backdrop I present to you the thirtieth edition of a potentially sporadically recurring irregularly scheduled Random Thoughts with BFC! Now also (occasionally) in open thread form! If you want to make this interactive, drop a note/question/bon mot in the comments ala my old Mouth Flies Open  attempt at an advice column.

• Scotchy is off tonight. Don’t be alarmed.  Unless you live in the vicinity.
• I am compelled to start with some words of gratitude. To whom, you ask, dear imaginary friend on the internet?  To fellow imaginary (American citizen) friend and DFOer, DonT. In addition to being our actual counsel here (mainly fending off money grabbing copyright claims), the man is generous in spirit and booze. He gave me a heads up to expect a package at my doorstep. I was not prepared for the generosity of its contents. And I don’t only mean the rum, coffee, spices (almost triangle trade?), and snaxx, but also the kindest of words. While the rum is no doubt the anchor of the package, the contents of the letter attached are equally warming. So a deep felt and sincere thanks to DonT, and Viva Puerto Rico!
• Also this adds DonT to the list of favorite DFOers who have mailed me shit IRL. Previous honorees include Sharkbait, LitreCola, and HOF member Horatio Cornblower

• Abrupt subject change: let’s do one literal fecal matter today, all advice from DFO doctors, homeopaths, or fecophiliacs welcome.
• Over the last few years, I’ve noticed more of my bowel movements leaving significant remnants in the toilet bowl, both in frequency and volume. And the flush reduces but does not eliminate the evidence/chem trail. While some of the blame, as always, goes to low flow toilets, there has to be another issue here, right? Is it too much/not enough fiber in my diet? Because I’m fat? Poor ass positioning on the seat? Legitimately interested in thoughts here since it’s annoying to either clean the toilet almost every time I poop or risk getting shamed by my wife.
• Things I only eat/drink while in London: bitter lemon, scones, potatoes that find their way into a salad, clotted cream, and tomato pronounced the wrong way.
• Quasi related, motion to call raisins “sultanas” everywhere please.
• I had a dream the other night that was all about Brie Larson. Now, I think Brie Larson is fantastic (and told her as much in my dream) but I have no idea why she became the focal point of the night movies rather than say Alison Brie, whom I have had a crush on in basically everything she has ever done. As always, my brain remains a land of contrasts.
• And yes, I am aware of the Community connection.
• Oh look, more Blair Witch news.
• I was having arguably the worst margarita of my life the other day when a group of four English people and a wee baby were seated next to me. They were grappling with the happy hour menu when finally they turned to me in their time of need to ask “what in the world is a ‘rail’ drink?” I absolutely rose to the occasion but I turn the challenge back to you, fellow Americans (and maybe Canucks if you use that term): how would you explain a rail drink to a foreigner?
• Also, the accents were in fucking surround sound as there were Brits to my left and my right. Is King Charles planning to try and take shit back? This would be the 210th anniversary of the last time they invaded DC…
• I guess I’m saying be vigilant.
• Oh look, more good news
• Weeks overdue, but congrats to all of us on surviving the NFL draft. This might be the best visual from the first round:
• I bought cereal at Safeway the other day. It was $7.98 for one family size box of frosted mini wheats but $7 for two. What the actual fuck.
• Also disconcerting: a cheese pizza at Costco has more calories than a pepperoni pizza at Costco

• Why in the world do people feel compelled to send happy birthday messages on LinkedIn? If we’re not connected on other social media and/or you don’t have my phone number for a text or call, we are not friends and you do NOT need to wish me a happy birthday.
• When did “OTAs” become accepted in the lexicon? I looked up at the crawl on ESPN whilst in a bar and had to genuinely think for a minute to remember what the acronym stood for and then just marvelled at the power of the shield to impose itself on the general consciousness. Fuck em.
• I referenced this in the Slovenian soccer post the other day (I swear, it came up organically) but I highly recommend the following books if you have even a passing interest in reading about the Negro Leagues/how MLB kept pushing false narratives about the talent level while proactively shutting down attempts to integrate the league.
  • The Bonafide Legend of Cool Papa Bell 
  • Our Team
  • Black Diamond
• I’ve also heard good things about Only the Ball Was White, but I haven’t read it so I can’t endorse it the way I can the previous three.
• Ok let’s wrap it up, as always with a fill in the blank: “Now that summer is here/nigh, I’m most excited about ____________________.”

What’s On TV Tonight?

Scripps Spelling Bee!

I can’t believe I omitted that on first run.  Apparently you can watch it on Ion, or if you live in a nerdy city like me, perhaps your local brewery will also be having a watch party.

Women’s College World Series

Stanford v Texas, 6pm DFO time on ESPN2
Oklahoma State vs Florida, 8:30pm DFO time on ESPN2

NHL Playoffs

Panthers at Rangers, 7pm DFO time on ESPN

NBA Playoffs

Dallas at Minnesota, 7:30pm DFO time on TNT

MLB

Nothing on national broadcasts but local listings/whatever streaming you have if you really want to torment yourself

Aussie Footy

Collingwood at Western, 4:40am DFO time FS2 (or get the damn WatchAFL app)

That’s all she wrote for the post, to the comments!