Well that was a week, wasn’t it? Highs, lows, schadenfreude and genuine FOOOBAAAAAAWWWW

Stupid non-gifing gifs…

ANYWAY: no matter how you felt about the outcomes of Week 1 Madness, we can all agree on a few basics-

1. Watching Deshaun Watson turn his pants a matching shade of brown was good clean fun for the whole family. I don’t normally tune in for the game recaps, but I did for the sheer sadistic enjoyment. Watson is surrounded by essentially the same cast that Weekend at Bernie’d Joe Flacco into the playoffs last year, and yet he looks like it’s been ten years instead of ten months since he threw a football in anger. I legitimately believe Andrew Berry had a hand in this latest sexual assault suit coming to court- having likely waived the Morals Clause for the other 24 suits, the Browns needed a new one to try and weasel out of paying $90+ million (in real money, if not on cap space) now that he’s a rapist who also can’t throw a football.
2. The Most Glorious Buffalo Bills may not go undefeated this year, but there’s like a 95% chance. It’s just Math.
3. If we could harness the hostility between Giants players and Giants fans, we could end fossil fuel dependence in the country by the bye week. Listen: Daboll’s a boob, Schoen is in over his head, and Daniel Jones is an albatross around the team’s neck, trending toward an anchor. But you lot were waiting for them to fuck up. The only thing that makes you happier than a Super Bowl is an absolute trainwreck that you can pour your venom out on.

I mean, your last championship was only 13 years ago. Its voice is still changing, it’s afraid to talk to girls, and it thinks fart jokes are the last word in comedy. Buffalo would just be sobering up from the championship parade now. Put on your Greatest City in the World panties, accept the cyclical nature of NFL football and go watch the Yankees buy an ALCS loss for $300 million.

MISCELLANY:

I need your help. Specifically, I need the collective efforts of the DFO Community to help me find the 104 individuals who will pay $9,200 (plus tax!) for this:

Of course, Breitling has put out 31 other models to showcase each team, all at the same ridiculous price.

But there is something almost dreamlike in trying to conceptualize a person who would hand over the down payment on a new car (a nice one, maybe with faux-leather seats) and say “No no, good shopkeep! I would like the Cleveland Browns edition!”

I just want to meet them. Observe their habits. Maybe take some craniometric measurements for posterity.