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Your Sunday Night Football Week 16 Open Thread

ballsofsteelandfury

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Somewhere in Baltimore….

The Italian grumbled. He said to himself, “What am I doing out here? This is why you have sons!”

He muttered to himself but he knew deep down he had no choice. Some work you just had to do yourself. If you didn’t, that would mean the tickets would be wasted and, quite frankly, he could use the money for the Christmas presents. He couldn’t afford to waste more time if he wanted to get home in time for kickoff.

“Hey Jaggof! You want in?” He saw his mark park his fat ass on the bench and put up a finger. It was about a 100 yards, but he was definitely looking interested. That’s what happens when the economy goes in the shitter. Everything becomes more difficult and they make you work for every penny.

Why did he have to go to the stadium today of all days? I mean, the game is on the TV at home where it’s nice and warm and there’s food and bourbon! Fucking relatives always messing shit up!

“Oh well. Might as well get on with it. The faster I do this, the faster I can get to the house and watch the game. Stupid relatives.”

TO THE GAME!!

Patriots at Ravens

This game is important for the Ravens’ playoff chances but it doesn’t eliminate them completely if they lose. The Steelers could theoretically lose to the Browns and other scenarios could see things move in the Ravens’ favour.

First things first, though. The Patriots are an enigma. Are they actually good or is their record a product of their weak schedule? They lost to the Bills after taking a big lead last week. Was that the Bills finally waking up and playing well or the Pats choking?

The Ravens, on the other hand, are a Jekyll and Hyde team. One week they look unstoppable with Derrick Henry running over everyone and the next the offense is inept and Harbaugh should be fired. They played well last week against the Bengals, but it’s the Bengals

I have a feeling a lot of questions will be answered tonight and we still won’t get any closer to figuring out the answers to the really big questions.

COMMENT AWAY!

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Belated WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

MARVIN: Ocho, the NFL isn’t going to let you get away with taking a swing at a fan for something that they said.

OCHO: What if the fan was uttering a curse that would make you drop every pass that was thrown your way. The NFL could let you do it then.

MARVIN: But they won’t.

OCHO: But they could.

MARVIN: But they won’t.

OCHO: But they could.

MARVIN: THE NFL WON’T LET A PLAYER COMMIT AN ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A FAN NO MATTER WHAT WORDS CAME OUT OF THEIR MOUTH IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THE FAN WAS ACTUALLY SAYING AND FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST FOR THE LAST TIME MAGIC ISN’T REAL YOU SOUND LIKE ELI FUCKING MANCHILD WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

8
SonOfSpam

Thank you for this!

2
Redshirt

I’m willing to bet all two-digits of my savings account that this conversation or something similar has happened on a weekly basis.

0
Unsurprised

Tight End University could never be as interesting as the movie I just made up in my head seeing the title.

2
Beerguyrob

BeerBrother is working on a script called “Himbo Heist”, and we have great fun planning the casting.

2
Unsurprised

Matthew McConaughey has to be the equivalent of Carl Reiner in Ocean’s 11.

2
WCS

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1
Gatoraids

Just look at the Zay Flowers, bmore

1
Doktor Zymm

Well crap, are we boarding yet or is watching the end of this still the most entertaining thing for me in the next few minutes

1
Doktor Zymm

Oh wait, instead of watching the Pats not fuck this up I can go look at more capybara pics!

3
Doktor Zymm

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10
Beerguyrob

Also, sorry I missed the day today. Stupid family obligations.

4
Beerguyrob

If Collinsworth says “slant route” one more time you’re going to see Rex Ryan’s erection from space.

4
Unsurprised

Meanwhile, Bill Parcells is still asking about who let them play football.

7
Redshirt

They should really update the rules to favor in losing consciousness due to concussion.

1
Unsurprised

“What’s a concussion?”

— Everyone who’s ever worked for the NFL

1
Beerguyrob

“I’m listening…”

— Gary Bettman

2
Doktor Zymm

Using the language “surviving the ground” makes it pretty obvious they don’t want to do that

2
Unsurprised

Dogfucking Peacock has that Cris Collinsworth ad on the Spanish feed.

0
Unsurprised

I was going to say Way to go, Ravens. But you’re still leading, so, keep it up like you just mainlined a bottle of blue chew.

0
yeah right

/ sung to the tune of Diggsy The Snowman

There must have been some magic in that pink cocaine he found.

Cuz when he blazed a tasty line he began to dance around.

4
WCS

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5
Redshirt

Lamar! has a back owie. A legit back owie, not a Miami Medical Back Owie.

3
WCS

“Which one is his lung?”

— “Dr.” David C., parts unknown while holding a #2 pencil and a Hot Wheels pickup truck

6
Gatoraids

Huntley starting…the shitter must be full

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6
jjfozz

This team, and the rest of the world, can go straight to hell.

4
SonOfSpam

Already there!

2
Redshirt

Welcome to the Offseason.

1
WCS

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5
Redshirt

Um, did Andrews forget what position he played and what team he plays for?

3
Gatoraids

he hasnt had many passes last games cant blame him

2
litre_cola

We covered the ball in astroglide, let’s see if anyone notices.

5
Redshirt

Lamar! is ded again?

5
Horatio Cornblower

I had a late night last night and an early morning thanks to a dog whose belly was threatening diarrhea but who wouldn’t deliver outside so I could go back to bed and sleep the sleep of the just, so I think tonight I’m going to kill this one beer, take a melatonin, and leave it to the football gods to punchfuck the Patriots and their goddamn fanbase (not you Maestro), back to reality.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

After Shan’Khlor Saturday and today’s Festival of Beerghdivus, it’s going to be interesting to see what the rest of Christmas week has in store.

1
Gatoraids

can’t wait til Drake Mayes future wife is stolen by a capoeira instructor

8
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Or a former Patriots head coach.

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6
Gatoraids

Grandfather Figure Video challenge failed

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_9hfHvQSNo&list=RDhhmj6Gm-6Do&index=3

0
litre_cola

I read that as Capybara instructor and thought that would be a great job.

11
Doktor Zymm

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8
Horatio Cornblower

#3, easy.

1
Bogdanski

#6: criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot. I will adopt an identity… of super-cuteness and they’ll all come and pinch my cheeks

1
Unsurprised

#5 because I went to the sauna and hot tub after that Detroit goatfuck.

1
Gatoraids

available in florida at the Capybara Cafe

https://maps.app.goo.gl/tqDdQjLfMVWBLf5D8

1
Horatio Cornblower

I’d apply.

1
Redshirt

🍦

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8
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Coach Reid, after seeing someone turn their nose up at delicious ice cream (artist’s conception):

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2
Col. Duke LaCross

Friday afternoon, we laid Pops LaCross to rest. He didn’t want a big funeral, but that didn’t stop about 80 of his friends and family from paying their final respects graveside. I don’t think I’m ever going to be okay again, he left a hole I don’t think we can fill, but those folks propped up Sis LaCross and I that day and we found some strength. Even the future Duchess LaCross flew in from Yonkers even though she’s going through her own cancer scare.

I haven’t been posting much lately, because I haven’t really been in a spot to bring the funny. It’s been a lonely, sad couple months watching him battle this thing to the end and doing what I can to help him. But I just want to thank y’all for keeping me entertained. Raise a glass in the old man’s honor. And for godsakes, get your buttholes checked as soon as you’re eligible.

Colon cancer is a motherfucker. Trust me, you don’t want to check out that way.

Last edited 4 months ago by Col. Duke LaCross
24
WCS

Dude… sincerest and deepest condolences.

You’re always welcome here. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to reach out.

So very, dreadfully sorry. Let us know if there’s anything we can do.

Hang in there, yourself and your family.

8
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My condolences on the passing of your father. Getting old sucks enough, but it makes it even worse that I’m reaching the age where lots of my contemporaries are saying farewell to their parents. It’s just sad, there’s no way around it.

FWIW I got my butthole checked last week! My ladydoctor called in a “chaperone” and it was actually a pretty mirthful atmosphere after I started making cracks about how this was my holiday gift to her (that probably sounds like it could go very wrong but I promise we were all laughing).

12
Gatoraids

always try to get the non gallon jug of icky salince medicine if possible, ducolex + miralax combo preferrable

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Heh heh, cracks

0
Gatoraids

raising two glasses to your dad and you

8
Horatio Cornblower

Sorry Colonel, that sucks. Hopefully he’s in a better place.

Somewhere where the Bears have a competent O-line, for instance.

Last edited 4 months ago by Horatio Cornblower
8
Gumbygirl

My darling dear, I am so very sorry. Fuck cancer. May 2026 bring you and the Duchess to be all the happiness in the world! Come hang out with us whenever you are up to it.

9
NotShogunButShogun

My condolences. My dad has been fortunate to survive and still be here. Now riding the train with my girlfriend (abdominal). I relate. But never lose the funny. No matter how low it gets, no matter how dark. Find the dirty ray of light. Us!

8
litre_cola

Deep condolences to you and the Lacrosse family.

6
SonOfSpam

So sorry for your loss. Also very glad you had such a great pops in your life. Glasses are raised.

5
jjfozz

Condolences to you and your family. I know what it’s like to lose a dad, and having to go through this is heartbreaking. Trust me when I say I’ll raise a glass. Keep your head up, and I’m scheduled for a butthole check in early 2026. (I’ll send pictures and video.)

8
yeah right

Raises glass!

He can rest well knowing he raised a good and decent son.

That’s a loss that can’t be described.

Peace to you and your family my friend.

2
Beerguyrob

Stay strong, champ. You’re a beacon.

3
BrettFavresColonoscopy

+1 to all of the above

0
Redshirt

The 2025 Kansas City Chiefs season:

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9
Unsurprised

/Cums. HARD.

0
Gatoraids

baltimore offering museum quality of a middle school diorama

1
scotchnaut

Many thanks to Balls for doing what comes naturally-filling in an open gap.

10
SonOfSpam

Even the smelly ones?

2
Unsurprised

Especially those

1
scotchnaut

These shame chicken wings are saltier than Andy Rooney on a bad day.

7
Gatoraids

especially after getting 60 mins cut to 40 today

2
Horatio Cornblower

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You know what I hate? Besides Bulgarians? Salty chicken wings. There’s just no reason to put salt on the damn things, especially if you go teriyaki to begin with.

Teriyaki is a solid choice, but in my opinion you’re better with a nice Parmesan, or a good garlic powder.

Now cocaine, that’s a topping no one really thinks of anymore, but back when I was corn holing Bianca Jagger in the Studio 54 basement a lot of us would use it. It had to be a dry rub, of course. If you melted the coke down for a wet sauce you’d get all these fumes and the next thing you knew the chef was OD’d face first in the egg wash and the whole batch was ruined. Then you had to go find another Mexican who was good with chicken, but fortunately those people are a dime a dozen, and they’ll put in an honest day’s work for those dimes, unlike this goddamn Bulgars.

I remember one time, I’m wandering the streets of Sofia whacked out of my mind on some heroin Mick had given me in exchange for leaving Bianca alone, (I wasn’t of course, we were still a hot item on the side but we figured what Mick didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him and besides we all knew about him and Bowie but none of that mattered that night at the foot of the Balkans), and I had no idea where my pants were other than not on my legs

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Last edited 4 months ago by Horatio Cornblower
11
scotchnaut

The Reader’s Digest version of this is banner-worthy.

4
Horatio Cornblower

It would dishonor Andy to ever edit anything he said, or allegedly said, or that a guy on a football and dickjoke blog made up that he said.

4
Gumbygirl

Bitch please. Andy Rooney never cornholed Bianca Jagger. Liza Minelli, sure, that was the only way she was getting any from her gay husbands, if they were completely blackout wasted and she wore a mask that looked like her mother.

0
Horatio Cornblower

I was going to cross it out but then the rest of the story with Mick’s heroin and David Bowie falls apart.

Not that that would ever stop Andy.

3
Unsurprised

Give this man the $10,000

3
Doktor Zymm

My Lyft driver to the airport was a trip, I heard the whole story of how he got married at 21 as part of an arranged marriage in the Mumbai Muslim community and one of his wife’s demands was that they move to Fremont, and so him and his whole family and her whole family moved over here and now they all are neighbors and have a bunch of kids. Very good storyteller!

4
ballsofsteelandfury

But why Fremont?!?

Is there a large Indian community there?

0
Doktor Zymm

Huge Indian community here, first Gurdwara in the US, 4 Mosques, a bunch of temples.

3
Unsurprised

All the MAGAts salty about Vivek’s speech just had aneurysms.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

That was REALLY easy….

0
Redshirt

Gardner Minshew might’ve torn his ACL. KC is running out of QBs.

Last edited 4 months ago by Redshirt
2
Doktor Zymm

On the second game of Xmas my true love gave to me, 2 torn ACLs and no playoffs in the town of KC

9
litre_cola

This is an easy one for the neutral, go Rat Birds!

3
litre_cola

Fitting as we are having our once a year KFC in the Cola home.

2
BeefReeferLives

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2
Redshirt

This is more of an enemy of my enemy situation for me.

3
Unsurprised

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1
ballsofsteelandfury

The Bills didn’t win by 21 but there was a Cleveland injury. I should get a half credit for that.

4
Redshirt

If Judkins has two halves of an ankle, you can have one half credit.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

He does now. They’re just separated.

Last edited 4 months ago by ballsofsteelandfury
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