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Not Even Daddy (TWSS) Yet Blues

WCS

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Alright, you cockstains, I’m looking for some help. As all are most likely aware, I’m about to be a dad for the first time. I am fucking terrified, as I’m sure you other parents were the first time (PHRASING) were, when the realization finally hit home that you’re about to be responsible for another human being. Wifey first told me she was pregnant about week before Halloween. Truth be told, I didn’t really react, nor did I really feel much. In fact, I kind of just laughed it off. This wasn’t really so much a deflection; she’s a nurse practioner/midwife, and comes home every single day talking about patients with pregnancy complications. When one hears the same stories three times a week about a failed/aborted/lost pregnancy for two years, and one not only develops a callous, but, ones really begins think one’s own pregnancy won’t hold. I don’t think I can describe it better than that, but, after hearing event after event, you sort of develop a thousand-yard stare: some will work out, some won’t, don’t get excited.

I posted here back in December when wifey had an “episode” at work, where she thought she lost the kid. It turned out just be a normal incident, which happens all the time. I really didn’t know what to make of all this at that time, outside I extremely concerned for her. I love my wife. I love her dearly, and just the concept of something affecting her that negatively, it cut me to the core. Flash-forward to February, and we had another “incident” where we all collectively (wifey, her mid-wife, the doctors, myself) found out, essentially, wifey’s cervix is broken. Kid isn’t quite to the point of viability, but wifey’s parts don’t seem to want anything growing in there. This necessitated a stay in the hospital, yada yada yada. You all were fantastic through that, and I can’t thank you enough. I really mean that; especially given Porky’s situation. You all really did help me through those 54 hours. That, and A LOT of Always Sunny.

Flash-forward again, and today, wifey and kid seem to be just fine. Kid is kicking in wifey’s belly. Sometimes, it seems like kid is having a rave in there. My sister-in-law and my mom are planning the baby shower. We’ve been doing the baby registry, etc. This seems like it’s actually happening. As thrilled as I am, and I’ve been crying myself to sleep lately at just how jacked I am, I’m soooooooooooo fucking scared.

My dad was such an asshole to my brother and me. I never met wifey’s dad; he died in an accident two years before I met her, but, she’s told me stories about how much of a prick he was… I don’t want to be like that. I’ll say this, my old man has actually gotten a hell of a lot better in the last few years. A lot. It’s actually striking. The problem is, he figured it out two decades too late.

Anyway, financially, we’re okay for the two of us; can we afford a kid? We’re going to be responsible for another human in this world; I don’t want to blow this… I’m well aware I’m not going to sleep until the kid is 18 and out of the house; that’s okay, but I also don’t want to resent them for depriving me of what I want to do… I get these are all normal things any parent worries about. This is why I’m asking you parents out there to share some stories or advice. I’m already losing sleep, and I’m pretty sure I’ve developed IBS. KID ISN’T HERE YET. This is what the next three decades are going to be like, aren’t they? I’m glad I partied a lot when I was younger. Your experiences are really appreciated.

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JerBear50

Just remember man, there’s only ONE you. You can squirt out a different kid anytime you want. So you know, just worry about what you want and don’t get too worked up about the other shit. Trial and error is fine.

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Cuntler

Make them cut their own switches, and try not to hit their nuts. Also, at least 8 hours of screen time a day is healthy. And don’t raise them to be Packers fans. Packers fans are the worst.

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JerBear50

Jesus I used to hate having to cut my own switch. Although, the switches were better than the belt that replaced them once I was five or so.

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litre_cola

Wow, this really helped. Soon to be Mrs Cola just went off of the pill and want to start trying after the futbol tournament in France in 2016 which we will be attending. Fair play to her as she wants to drink wine and eat cheese while we are there. I already am a bit freaked out about having a baby but you folks have definitely calmed me down some. Thank you commentists.

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Wakezilla

WCS, I’m going to be a first time father this August. Honestly, the fact that you’re aware of how much of a prick your father was and how much you don’t want to be him, is huge! You deserve props for recognizing this, and for the fact that you are aware of this, is a good indicator you will be fine. One thing that I told my nephew and it helps with him (not wanting to be like his scumbag father), is to do a mental checklist once in a while of actions and how it compared to your father. A few thoughts I have (lets compare notes!). . .

1) Based on my own experiences of having parents, as well as playing a role raising my nephews and observing/listening to other people, I figure that 80% of being a good parent is just showing up to shit, especially when it matters.

Q) You and Mrs. WCS know what you liked and hated about your parents’ parenting. Talk about it with each other and come to a somewhat mutual agreement on how the kid should be raised so you’re on the same page. This is important because if you don’t (moreso when WCS Jr. is a teen), the kid will drive a truck through the holes of the miscommunication and will turn you and wife against each other. That kid was me when I was a teen.

IV) With that said, be open to having a change in parenting style based on the kid. My two nephews are night and day with how to parent them. What works with one, doesn’t work with the other. So when you get to know your child, get a feel for what he/she is like and adjust accordingly.

16) To quote Paul Heyman, “Accentuate the positives and hide the negatives.” Nobody is perfect. Don’t have a lot of money? Love and support doesn’t cost a dime. So run with that, ya know? I hope that works. I’m going through a career change and figure I won’t be making any money anytime soon, so, this is my “Oh-please-let-this-work” plan.

H) Something to consider: A cloth diaper service. For like $600/year, you get unlimited cloth diapers for your kid. Once a week, they drop off your cloth diapers and collect and wash your used ones. They supply everything for you, which is huge when you consider that this cuts back on laundry. Another plus is that cloth diapers significantly reduce severe rashes compared to regular diapers. This is what I’ve been told from friends who have tried both. Infants with sensitive skin can get nasty diaper rashes.

6) Just know that you’re not alone. I’m going through these fears as well. And the fact that I’m also having a girl? Oh man. Want a cruel reality about how much of a man’s world this planet is? Find out you’re having a girl and then look at the toy section of Toys R Us. *shivers*

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rockingdog

I think a wise man once said, “It takes more effort to order a pizza than it does to have a child.”

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Wakezilla

Yeah, that’s not true. It took my wife 4 years and close to 30 grand.

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Don T

Get a diaper genie, or some other diaper smell containment contraption. “Baby” will be the dominant smell in your house anyway.

As the educators pointed out, be a father, not a buddy. Your kid and the world will be better for it.

I’m happy everything is going well, man. Best of luck.

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SonOfSpam

As someone who had the same fucked-up dad experience (and dad-in-law!) as you, here’s my advice: Everything you remember from your dad, do the opposite. Wait, that’s not it. Actually, it’s this: Remember, always, that you’re the 3rd most important person in your family. You’re off to a great start based on how you talk about your wife. Your kid will be fine, as long as you always keep the kid (and wife) at the forefront of your attention. Parenting is really pretty easy if you actually give a shit.

I ain’t worried about you as a dad.

(Also, FFS, get the kid vaccinated.)

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Doktor Zymm

It’s a couple years down the road, but I highly recommend Montessori schools. I was in Montessori from 2-5 and I both loved it, and learned a bunch of stuff.

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

FILTHY WEIRD HIPPIE

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SonOfSpam

Also, Montessori rhymes with Corey, allegory, etc.

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Now some advice from someone who works in a school with autistic children:

1. Do not be afraid to say “No”. There are so many households that just are either indifferent and passive to a fault, and I can tell which kids are in good homes by how they act on field trips and various things we do in public.

2. Be involved in your kid’s schooling. If given the choice to deal with an indifferent, ineffective parent or someone who is a hardass and constantly nagging for their kid’s benefit, I’ll take the latter all the time. I cannot tell you how many of the non-verbal kids at my school have parents who do not even bother to open the communication book that gets sent home each day, and even worse, are very lazy in telling us any potential allergies and illnesses that are essential. Just do what you know is right and necessary, and you’re already in the 90th percentile of parents on this front.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

We’re going to start trying this Summer. I’m not sure how my mental processes are going to react to the change from “Babies are the most negative possible consequence of sex” to “Go sperm go!”

I will be following your adventures with great interest and trepidation, WCS. Godspeed.

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SonOfSpam

Advice for trying guy: The sex must be vaginal, I can’t stress this enough. Also, you should have this vaginal sex with a woman. A human woman.

Also, be prepared for either outcome (heh)…you wait a long time, or the very first shot finds the goal. (My case was the latter, so the whole “lots of sex for a long time” thing didn’t happen.)

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King Hippo

It’s also super enjoyable to watch the pets interact with the new addition. Despite the noise and the attention-stealing, 99.9% of cats and dogs will absolutely love the shit out of (and protect like one of its own) a new baby in the family. It’s remarkably cute.

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Horatio Cornblower

Tip that we used to get the cats used to the first baby. Bring home a blanket from the hospital with the baby’s scent on it. Not sure if it’s good science or not but non of our cats ever tried to kill our kids, so it didn’t hurt.

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ArmedandHammered

As someone who’s parents were very big believers in spare the rod and spoil the child parenting style, (and i was definitely not spoiled) main thing I learned is to never react immediately in anger, always take a second to think not react.

Also, make as much time aso possible to just play, some of my favorite memories is building train set ups with my son and my daughter playing Kaiju and tearing them up. We still play video games together as well as Warhammer 40K, even though he is 21 and working. So the precedent was set early on, and to be honest during the teen years it was the only times he would communicate (my daughter the issue was trying to get her not to talk so much). To me the time you invest early pays off later.

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King Hippo

very good point, never punish when still in the heat of anger. It needs to be immediate enough that they understand the nexus to the action, but it can’t be something that’s venting your own steam (again, easier said than done).

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ArmedandHammered

Only lost it once when the boy and his friend were throwing golf ball sized rocks at each other’s heads and he wouldn’t stop even when screamed at to stop. That was an instant spanking, but the there was a chance of real damage. That was onenough of the only two times I ever had to spank. The other time I went and calmed down first, but don’the lie to me when we both know you are lying, plus it was over him stealing something. Other than school performance he was always a good kid.

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laserguru

This belongs here somewhere:

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Beerguyrob

Since God saw fit to aid the human race by making me sterile, here are tips about parenting I can offer only as a teacher:

– vaccinations! Please get them. Measels keeps popping up around here thanks to soft-headed people.
– establish rules and stick with them. A goodly number of my troubled students come from the “parent as best friend” camp.
– get them into a sport AND a musical instrument. By the time they are 12, they will know which they want to pursue (or not), but the activity will have kept them from becoming sedentary. It will keep them pursuing a healthy-ish lifestyle for years to come.
– don’t cut their hair. A birth certificate is not a barber’s licence, and will prevent untold hours of teasing from classmates.

All parents make it up as they go. You are at least prepared because you know how scared you already are. You’ll be a great dad.

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

With the anti-vaccination crowd logic, there’s an insidious underlying view of, “I’d rather have a dead kid than a potentially autistic one”

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Covalent Blonde

Sport, music, AND language

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ThePirateSloth

I get to live the married, kid having, PTA attending, soccer practice driving lives vicariously thru others. It’s hell of a lot of fun because I get to be the bad influence uncle who teaches them shit about real life – like buying the 10 year old “nephew” his very first! BB gun because it is a right of passage for every boy, teaching the 4 year “niece” old how to give wet willies to her parents, letting the 13 year old “niece” drive my car around an empty neighborhood, absolutely destroying the oldest “nephew” in video games (that’s what he gets for talking shit). I’m an only child, with no intention of ever getting married at this point, so my friends kids and my black lab are the closest I’ll ever get to having some of my own.

You should always have a non-related aunt or uncle in your kids lives, an outside influence that can give the kid(s) a different point of view, different knowledge, different everything from you. I must have had at least 9 or 10 different “uncles/aunts”, who were all close friends of my parents, at varying points of my life. The life lessons they all taught me at those ages was and still is invaluable. Hell, I still talk to 3 of them to this day, 30 years later.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Wet willies are a war crime, and you deserve to be flayed alive for passing them on.

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JustStopDude

I’m just gonna put this out there…

Its never too early or late to abandon your family.
http://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i-w600/keep-calm-i-m-a-deadbeat-dad.jpg

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Just don’t mistake the afterbirth as the twin.

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laserguru

I may have mentioned this before or I may have dreamed it but youngest daughter is going to have her first baby in July.
Of course it’s a girl.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Nor would I know any other way.

Being a grandfather is a WHOLE lot easier than a father.

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Gratliff

I’m in the process of determining whether or not my 8 year old gets to have an Easter. Decided this year to cut the big candy explosion down and throw a gift in instead, so I got him Mario Maker and sprite Mario amiibo to bury under a layer of jelly beans. So naturally, on his half day of school Friday, he threw a fit in class, ripped up his classwork, and wheeled off and hit a girl for some reason. Of course, he has ADHD and early onset bi-polar or something close to it(Every third doctor/psychologist thinks it’s something else), which prevents him from being abruptly murdered upon coming home. Even with the medication and therapy, it’s hard to tell what can be attributed to the disorder and what is just him being an entitled little shit. So in lieu of killing him on sight yesterday, his mother decided he doesn’t get an Easter basket. So I’m looking forward to a day of misery after she gets home tomorrow morning and sees he already got a basket sans Mario.

Kids have no self-awareness, they fuck up at the most inopportune times, and you and the woman will pretty much never agree with the next step to take. So have fun with that shit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uk_aWJtrhSg

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Ah yes, ADHD. You’ve just described my 10yo niece. Who does have it, but who has also been told by her parents and my father (her grandfather) that it’s not her fault every time she fucks up. And while there’s some truth to that of course, the message she’s gotten is “hey I have a license to fuck up anytime I want”.
Undoing that message is an ongoing struggle.

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King Hippo

You HAVE to get a good therapist who can semi-accurately diagnose the secondary mental health issue (took 5 years with my oldest) in addition to the ADHD (was borderline, though that is technically something that can’t be diagnosed until 18, but she’s a medical marvel and has apparently been borderline since age 2). I can’t stress enough how critical it is to have a neutral 3rd party adult to take some of the heat off of you.

Of course, that’s easier said than one. Like I said…took me 5 years to find the right therapist.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Speaking of which, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the “Awwww fuck, she just discovered boys” phase. Which has recently happened.

Expect a panicked, and probably drunken, email in the near future. Also, I may soon be ordering a 10 year supply of Canadian and/or Mexican opiates. I see no other way to deal with this new phase.

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King Hippo

Sounds good, though I’ve been mostly kept out of the loop on that front. To the extent she does discuss that, she does so with her sisters (who she otherwise hates).

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Understood. As you know, because of her…let’s call it parental deficiencies…I’m more involved than I probably should be. Still haven’t even been able to convince them on the need for a good therapist. Both have/had their own mental/emotional shit, and they see it as a fucking stigma. Goddamned fuckwits.

The hour approacheth when a court battle ensues I’m afraid. But for now, she’s on spring break for the next week and I’ll have some extended influence.

This week’s message…BOYS ARE ICKY!!!!!!
(I’m joking about that last part….mostly)

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Five years? I’m impressed with your tenacity. Even the police in a big city like Tallahassee will give up on looking for therapist after a few months, or, if he happens to be a star football player for FSU, immediately.

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Horatio Cornblower

The only thing keeping this off the banner is it being too long and out of context but goddammit, well done Rikki.

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laserguru

As a father of two grown women and a grandfather of two little ladies you’ll do fine.

Read to the baby.
Have a sit down family dinner every night.
Turn off the TV for an hour each day.
Play music and encourage an instrument.
The baby will have a cold and survive.
They will eventually learn how to use the toilet.
Hug the baby.
You can still drink.

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King Hippo

Oh shit, remember that it is also literally IMPOSSIBLE to spoil a kid before 4 months. No cries before then are ever manipulative. At that point, you can crib train/try to get him or her to sleep through the night if you have a “hard baby” that is trying to kill you (like my first). 😀

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King Hippo

I remember asking my Yinzer buddy (SEE, this should work extra good for you, his wife was a nurse too, even) in law school, when his wife was about 6 months along, while fishing: “Well, are you ready for this?” to which he responded “No, but it’s gonna happen anyway.”

THAT is how you need to look at it. Keep your sense of humor, realize that you WILL fuck up, just do your best and act out of love. Be nice to one another, say you’re sorry when you snap out of anger/tiredness.

Don’t let perfection be the enemy of the good. Perfection isn’t possible.

Post-pardem depression is a VERY REAL thing, watch out for it, and maybe even touch base with a few of your wife’s friends/nurse colleagues to make sure she’s ok.

Also, having a negative parenting role model can be 90% as good as having a positive role model, parenting wise, as long as you took the right lessons from it. My paternal grandfather was a real bastard (even as a grandpa, and once I was older and heard stories about what he was like EARLIER…fucking Christ, he would be in jail in the modern world), and my Dad was fucking great. Perfect? No. But great.

Trust your gut and your instincts above what other people say.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Post per-diem depression is a VERY REAL thing…”

Jameis Winston, attempting to explain the crab legs incident to NFL scouts

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laserguru

Oh shit I forgot about the post partem thing.
My (now ex) wife was sitting on the couch one night, shortly after delivery, saying nothing and just watching TV. I sat next to her actually kind of enjoying the quiet moment when she grabbed a pad of paper and a pen. I was sitting 2 feet from her at the time and had been for quite some time. She wrote something on the pad, tore the sheet off and put it in my lap.

The note said “We never talk.”

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King Hippo

I suspect yeah right’s ex and mine could be besties.

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Horatio Cornblower

Man I had a long comment with all sorts of wisdom from nearly 18 years of half-assed parenting but it wouldn’t post so I’ll just say this:

If you shake a baby you’re the worst sort of person to ever walk the earth. If you WANT to to shake the baby because it’s 3:14 am and you’ve had six hours of sleep in the last two days and it won’t stop crying and you’re pretty sure that smell is diarrhea well, you’re ever parent ever.

But you won’t. You’ll take a deep breath, (through your mouth), change the diaper, hose the kid off, stick a warm bottle in his or her mouth and sit down to World’s Strongest Man reruns on ESPN. You’ll doze off and wake up in 30 minutes and see two big eyes checking you out and holy fuck, you will not need to sleep the rest of the week.

Which is good, because you won’t.

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laserguru

You’re a lucky man WCS.

“Edwina’s insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.”

You’ll feel better on about 23 years.
Seriously, congrats.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

God only knows what technology is going to be like in ten years, but my brother-in-law has raised three kids who are (mostly) terrific so far, and one of the things that really seems to have made a difference is that they really restrict their screen time, and they have taught the kids to entertain themselves (rather than depend on external sources). This means lots of drawing and crafts, and lots of delightfully quiet reading time. He and his wife don’t watch much TV themselves, which I think sets a pretty good example.

Good luck to you, and may God have mercy on your soul.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Something I picked up from being an uncle: agree with the don’t buy tons of new shit constantly BUT once the kid has a favorite stuffed animal or something, buy extras and put them in storage. The last thing you need is Little Timmy refusing to go to the neighbor’s without his plush alligator that you can’t find/got eaten by the dog/is mysteriously covered in semen. Bam, you have a backup that the kid thinks is the original.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah. “Mysteriously.”

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Blame the dog.

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Doktor Zymm

A few things I’ve picked up from my friends who are doing the new parent thing :
1) Kids grow FAST, this means there is no point in buying them anything new for the first few years. There is a giant used market of people pretty much giving away stuff.
2) When the baby is kicking a lot you can race M&Ms on your wife’s belly.
3) Babies actually sleep quite a lot, just at weird times
4) Stay away from internet forums about babies, it’s worse than reading WebMD. Probably the best thing to do for information is take a developmental psychology class.

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Doktor Zymm

Also, while reading to your kid is a great idea, there are some ridiculous books for children out there. Some people will completely disregard narrative causality just to make shit rhyme.

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Kungjitsu

Mo Willems is a national treasure. Buy all of his books.

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laserguru

I found that reading to them from the very first day that they’re home is the best thing possible. For the first few months just read them whatever book you are currently reading. After that you can switch to the Dr Seuss and such.
If I had a newborn right now they would be listening to Cormac McCarthy.
There’s something about the pacing, tone and resonance that they pick up on.
Maybe not Bloody Meridian though.

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WCS

I appreciate the insight, but, I don’t know if a kid should know the history of the Iran-Iraq War just yet.

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Horatio Cornblower

Man, if only Barbara Bush had read that shit to GW…

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laserguru

That’s a great point about the clothes. My previous girlfriend had a daughter who was a year older than my first granddaughter and the clothes exchange worked perfectly.
I will admit that my granddaughter never got the chance to wear the Kobe Bryant Lakers jersey though.
I’ve got some standards.

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herodotus450

Maybe it’s because I’m just a simple artificial intelligence program designed to read internet comments and respond with contextually appropriate Simpsons quotes and therefore have no concept of life or the creation thereof, but there is some delicious irony in people giving you the advice of not listening to other people’s advice. S0, if you take their advice you’re inherently disregarding it. But, ╫±then you’d be following it at teh same tim by disregarding it. Paradox detected, head explosion algorithm initiated. QuoteBot, dead?

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...

At least it took you more than 24 hours to start telling everyone Bush did 9/11.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Quotebot IS dead…”

comment image

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Congrats again! I’m not a dad, so I leave most of this to the experts, but here’s what I told one of my buddies when he was in a full blown panic about his kid being six weeks away from coming into the world and changing his world forever:

You and your wife seem like smart people. Many many dumb people have children and manage to not screw it up so badly. You’ll be fine.

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sunrisesunrise

If someone offers you help, take it. My father-in-law passed away right after we found out we were pregnant. My mother-in-law has been beyond helpful in being there for us when we need a couple hours or a night for ourselves.

Breastfeeding will either happen or it won’t. My daughter had troubles latching and it freaked my wife out. We got a breast pump for her and while she pumped I got to finger feed my daughter. That’s a moment I will never forget because I can honestly say I got to do something for her. And if you go the formula route, don’t let anyone tell you your wrong. Those people are assholes for trying to tell you how to raise your child. Fuck em.

Enjoy every moment you can hold them when they’re small. They grow faster than you think. And eventually when you pick them up, you will forget how tall they are and will get kicked in the balls. Literally.

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WCS

In addition to being a NP/midwife, she’s also a lactation consultant, so, she’s one of those.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I’m not a parent and I most likely will never be, but I do know this:

For the good parents, the worrying doesn’t end at 18. It’s a rest of your life thing. But, from what I hear, it’s worth it.

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Unsurprised

“Anyway, financially, we’re okay for the two of us; can we afford a kid? We’re going to be responsible for another human in this world; I don’t want to blow this”

I’m pretty sure asking this means you’ve put more thought into have a kid than the overwhelming majority of people. You’ll do fine.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Pretty much exactly what I was going to say. Thanks for saving me the keystrokes (phrasing).

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Kungjitsu

Congratulations! A lot has already been covered in the comments so I’ll just add some bullet points.

– 95% of parenting magazine info is bullshit. Your kid will develop at his/her own rate. My wife bought into a bunch of it and was peppering our pediatrician with questions. The doc actually held up her hand to get my wife to STFU for two seconds and asked her, “You teach 8th grade, right? How many of your students haven’t been potty trained?”

– Hug and kiss and smile at your kid ALL THE FUCKING TIME!

– Tell your wife she’s beautiful ALL THE FUCKING TIME!

– Sleep when your kid sleeps.

– Get an Itzbeen timer (https://itzbeen.com). It’s a 4 in 1 timer that will keep you on schedule for feedings and diaper changes and whatever else you want. You’ll need it because time isn’t going to make sense anymore.

– Take a shit ton of pictures

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Kungjitsu

You’re there to fix problems. Your wife is the President; your kid is Murica; and you’re Leo McGarry.

I’m re-bingeing The West Wing.

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jjfozz

First – that’s great news about your future child. We had one or two minor scares and I was out of control. Like, Belushi out of control.

When my first child was born, my father’s partner – also an OBGYN – came into the room and sat down. He’s a soft spoken guy, but he speaks with impact.

“Look, you’re going to get lots of advice and lots of people telling you what to do. Listen to them, and smile and thank them. Then go do what you think is right, because 90% of what you will do is the right thing, and the other 10% will be wrong, but that’s how you learn.”

You will crush this (like that dude in the Corona commercial) – and you will be amazed at how instinctual it really is. Your wife will show an array of talents that will make you think she is the reincarnation of Athena.

I have three sons – ages 11 to 2 – and every day teaches me something new. And every day I have a few wins and a few losses.

Yeah, the sleep thing sucks but it’s over rhyped. Sleep when the baby sleeps, and buy a really good coffee maker.

Hope this helps.

Onward, on to victory!

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Porky Prime

Once they’re out and healthy, you’re good. Everything you are about to go through has been done before, so there’s experience and advice out there for you, and you can usually decide for your self which side of conflicting info sounds correct.

Let’s see…

Unless you are hyper organized and your wife absolutely insists, screw the baby book. This is 2016. Writing this shit down meticulously is time consuming and when you forget something, guilt inducing. Suggest instead: open some sort of email, webpage, private Facebook, whatever, and text yourself the gist of it as it happens. You can write it down in detail later and you are going to take 90 billion pictures anyway. But do get a keepsake box, some stuff is worth hoarding.

Diapers are bonding time. No man admits this. But there is no more intimate conversation with your child than when your faces are 24 inches apart and you’re telling them “wow, what a big poopy.”

You do not need ten of everything. Find what works and stick to it. This goes for small toys, different types of lotions and diapers, bottle brands, and for gods sake small toys. You can build up a backlog really fast. Also, don’t get too far ahead of yourself. If your child doesn’t fit into that 3T jersey, you don’t need to buy it yet. You will need the room.

Be reassuring to your wife. She will need it, and often when you don’t expect her to.

Talk to your child constantly, even if it’s worthless babble. It’s comforting and educational.

Be prepared to solicit help, because SHIT WILL NOT GET DONE if your child decides it is so. Even an hour of stress relief is crucial just to clean, eat at a normal pace (a luxury, believe me), have nooky time, or even just sit and breathe. Or post dick jokes. Your child is the center of the universe, but you still need to shave and shower once in a while.

Finally: Don’t be afraid to turn down advice. It’s your kid.

The absolute best of luck. No matter how the ball bounces, kids are worth it and as long as you remember you are cradling the future, you’ll do fine. The ones who take it for granted are the shit parents, and I pity them.

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Enrico Pallazzo

You’ll be fine, broseph. I waited until I was 34 to have a kid due to fear and, once it happened, I immediately wondered why I didn’t do it earlier and that my fears were lame and dumb. Being a dad is great as long as you aren’t one of those guys that fucks their kid.

Are you one of those guys that fucks their kid? Bad if true.

Seriously, though, it’s great. Delivery day is a goddamn slog and you will want to kill yourself.

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