[interior US Bank Stadium coaches office. Inside Coach Zimmer is tirelessly studying game film of the Tennessee Titans]

/knock on door

[door flies open]

Zygi Wilf: “Yo Zimmy! How the hell are yez? Gettin’ the boys ready for another fuckin’ season over heah?”

Coach Zimmer: “You know I am Zygi! I’ve got big plans for this year. Big plans.”

Zygi: “At’s what I’m a’talking about! Fuckin’ A, Zimmy let’s go kick us some fuckin’ ass. Let’s treat those other teams like I treated the Tagliatelle Family if you know what I’m fuckin’ talkin’ about over here!”

Zim: “Uh, sure Zygi. Sure. I wanted to thank you for the effort to build the new stadium. This place is fucking amazing.”

Zim: “But I’ve got to ask, are the glass panels on the outside of the stadium really like, you know ‘glass’ glass? Not like plexiglass?”

/Zygi stares stares straight ahead as his blood pressure begins to rise

Zim: “And who thought it was a good idea to put a fucking rock garden next to a glass wall?”

Zygi: “Goddammit! You try building a fuckin’ billion dollar stadium with 250 thousand worth of construction materials! I had no-shows to arrange and kickbacks to take care of. This fuckin’ shit ain’t for everybody. That piece of shit who threw that rock? We tracked his dumb ass down from the surveillance video and that motherfucker is fertilizing my rose garden right now, if you know what imma fuckin’ talking about! Goddammit, Zimmy now I gotta go fuckin’ cool off.

Zim: “Sorry about that Zygi but…”

Zygi: “Ah fugeddaboutit you fuckin’ moozarell! Good luck this year!”

[door flies closed]

Zim: “Well, guess it’s time to address the team.”

Coach Zimmer leaves his office and walks to the team auditorium where the entire team has gathered.

Zim: “Good morning guys!”

Team in unison” “Good morning Coach!”

Zim: “Before we get this season’s campaign started I wanted take a moment to welcome the new kids. From the receivers group let’s welcome Laquan Treadwell!”

/applause and some cheers.

Quan: “Thanks guys. I can’t wait to get in there and start right from day one.”

Norv Turner: “Michael Irvin! Bang 8! Bang 8!!”

[door flies open]

Fred Smoot: “Bang 8? Shit! You know I’m down!”

Zim: “Goddammit Smoot! Get the fuck out of here once and for all. We’ve moved past all of the negative bullshit that you brought to this team. Get the fuck out!”

Smoot: [mumbles] “Nobody gives a fuck about legacy anymore.”

Zim: “Your only ‘legacy’ involves a double-headed dildo and a legion of strippers! Somebody lock that goddamn door. And ‘Quan who says you get to walk right on the field and start? We compete here! Everyone competes and nobody’s job is a given.”

Quan: “Sorry coach.”

Zim: “We would also like to welcome  a new tight end in David Morgan and another receiver Moritz Boehringer.”

Moritz: “Guten tag! Wie gehts?”

Zim: “As all of you know, we had a pretty good team last year. Pretty good. I was proud of almost every unit we had with the exception of one. Our offensive line was a goddamn fucking shit show last year. A fucking shit show.”

Matt Kalil: / hangs head

Zim: “So I brought in some reinforcements to toughen up you bunch of nancies. Welcome from free agency Alex Boone to start at left guard and Andre Smith to compete at right tackle. Hey Andre? Good to see you again sugartits!”

[everyone laughs]

Andre Smith: “Aw man, coach. Don’t do that please. That’s the type of nickname that could stick.”

Zim: “Welcome to our newest offensive lineman from the draft Willie Beavers!”

[everyone starts snickering]

Zim: “Grow up! That’s his family name. Welcome Willy.” [snickers to himself] “Beavers, that’s fucking classic.”

Zim: “I’m also expecting good things from our quarterback Teddy Bridgewater this year. We’ve added some pass plays that are designed to go further than 15 yards!”

Teddy: “Thanks Coach. I’m ready to go!”

Zim: “Running game? Yeah we should be good.”

[everyone laughs]

Zim: “Defensively we’ve got some new guys too. Cornerback Mackensie Alexander, linebacker Kentrell Brothers and DE Stephen Weatherly, welcome guys. Mackenzie, I’m expecting great things out of you. I really want you to compete with Trae Waynes who we drafted in the first round last year. Trae, giving a receiver a 12 yard cushion so he doesn’t get behind you is not the fucking technique I taught you.”

Trae Waynes : /hangs head

Zim: “Linebackers, yeah we’re doing OK there too. I fucking love you two Barr and Kendricks. You two are fucking badasses.”

Chad Greenway: “Uh, Coach? Forgetting anybody?”

Zim: “Just kidding Chad. Let’s all give Chad a hand for what will be his final season.”

[applause]

Zim: [muttering] “Not that you’ve done a damn thing of significance in 3 fucking years anyway.”

Chad Greenway: /hangs head

Zim: “That brings us to what, I feel, is the strength of the team. Our D-line. Linval, Everson, Shariff, Brian keep up the outstanding work. For those of you who haven’t been paying close attention I would like to introduce you to Danielle Hunter. Danielle won’t even be 22 years old until late October and I’m expecting him to come in and break some fucking heads.”

Danielle Hunter: “Thanks Coach. I’m ready if you need me.”

Zim: “So, special teams.” [entire team turns to face Blair Walsh]

Blair Walsh: [gulps]

Zim: “Team? Last year is over and there’s no going back. We are going to look ahead and focus on this season and this season only. Blair, you are still our kicker and I have trust and undying faith in you. In fact, there’s something I want to give you to help you focus on the new season. Blair come up here on stage and take a chair.”

Blair Walsh looks around nervously and walks onstage and takes a seat.

Zim: “Linval and Everson, if you could stand next to Blair.”

Linval Joseph and Everson Griffen stand on either side of Blair Walsh as Coach Zimmer walks off stage for a second. He returns carrying what looks like a cage covered with a cloth.

Zim: “Guys, grab his arms.”

Linval and Everson each grab one of Blair’s arms as Coach Zimmer removes the cloth from the cage.

Zim: “Blair I want to introduce you to Mr. Winkles.”

[cage door flies open]

Mr Winkles: “SNARLGNASHCHOMPCHOMPSNARLSNARLRAWRR!!”

Blair Walsh: [screams like a little girl] “Oh holy mother of god what in the fucking world is that? AHHHHH!!!”

Zim: “This, Blair, is my good friend Mr. Winkles and he doesn’t like failure very much.” Coach brings the wolverine right under Blair’s chair.

Blair Walsh: “OH please god NOOOO. Get it away! AHHHH!!!”

Zim: “I’m going to tell you this only once you little fucking shithead. If you make the rest of us lose our season because of some of your fucktardedry I’m going to find you and I am going to send Mr. Winkles DIRECTLY UP YOUR FUCKING ASSHOLE, you goddamn fuck head. And I’m going to tell him not to stop until he finds daylight. DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND YOU HEAP OF FREEZE DRIED PIGEON SHIT?!?”

Blair: “I SWEAR TO GOD COACH I WONT EVER MISS AGAIN. AHHHH!!!”

Coach puts Mr. Winkles back in the cage and takes him offstage. “Alright, lesson over. Guys take your seats.”

Blair Walsh leaves the stage a weak-kneed whimpering wreck as Linval and Everson take their seats.

Coach Zimmer lowers his voice to just above the audible level: “Guys, I want to be serious here for a moment. We are on the brink of what, I feel, can be a very special season.”

[murmers of approval and a couple of “Damn Right” and “Hell yeah”s from the crowd]

Coach wipes away a single tear: “I want to take this time to tell you that I love each and every one of you like family. More than family actually.”

Anthony Barr: “We love you too coach. You’re the best coach any of us have ever had.”

Zim: “I say I love you more than family and it’s true. Family doesn’t see what we have to do to prepare for a season. Family doesn’t see the blood and the tears and the heartache that we encounter through an entire season. To feel the agony of losing one of your brothers to a season-ending or even career-ending injury. To see the preparation required, the dedication to maintaining our bodies, to the maintenance required to deal with the daily pain. Nobody sees this but us.”

[sounds of soft crying and “That’s right, Coach” from the audience]

Zim: “I would give my life for each and every one of you and I know you would do the same in return.”

Crowd: “HELL YES!”

Zim: “Rookies and backups and special teamers, if one of our starting brothers should fall who will be there to pick him up and take his place?”

The entire crowd stands as one.

Zim: “Do you have it in you to take this ride? To compete at the highest possible level and to go after this championship together?”

Crowd: “FUCK YES, COACH!”

Zim: “Are we going to go out there and use every last ounce of our strength, every last drop of our sweat? Are you ready to bleed for this? To pillage and destroy every team that we encounter in the manner of the mighty Viking warriors whose name we proudly carry?”

Crowd: [incoherent screaming at the volume of a 747 liftoff]

Zim: “THEN LET”S DO THIS MOTHERFUCKER! LET’S TAKE THE WHOLE FUCKING THING!”

The crowd rampages from the auditorium in a frenzy of biblical proportion.

Zim: “Uh guys? We don’t play until Sunday the 11th.”

***********************************************

Let’s take a look back at last year’s preview and see how I did. Holy shit, I guessed 10-6 and just missing the playoffs. Not too shabby. For what it’s worth that was one of my favorite posts to research and put together.

Fantasy projections: Adrian Peterson, obviously. Stephon Diggs may be a decent late round pickup. Late in the season consider Laquan Treadwell because he will get endzone targets just not to start the season. The Vikings D would be a good get and if the bastard can ever stay healthy Kyle Rudolph at TE. Him and Teddy began forming some solid chemistry at the end of last season.

Prediction time! I see the Vikings winning the NFC North again with a 12-4 season record. We will get to the NFC championship game only to lose in gut-wrenching fashion to? A surprise NFC team.