A Greatly Uninformed 2016 Green Bay Packers Preview

Head Coach: Mike McCarthy

Key Players:  Aaron Rodgers (QB), Jordy Nelson (WR), Clay Matthews (LB), Eddie Lacy (RB), Julius Peppers (DE)

Key Losses/Suspensions:  BJ Raji (DL, retired), Casey Hawyard (CB, San Diego), Demitri Goodson (CB, “Drugs”, 4 games).

Notable Draft Picks:  Kenny Clark (DT, UCLA), Jason Spriggs (OT, Indiana), Kyler Fackrell (LB, Utah State), Blake Martinez (LB, Stanford), Dean Lowry (DE, Northwestern), Trevor Davis (WR, Cal)

Notable Free Agent Signings: Jared Cook (TE, Rams) (yeah, that’s it).

50 Questions for 2016 (written while drunk without the help of Google):

  1. What’s up with Aaron Rodgers and his family?
  1. Why did his brother Jordan go on “The Bachelorette” anyway?
  1. Do you think Aaron hates his family because Olivia Munn has driven a wedge between them all?
  1. Olivia Munn, while very attractive, seems like the sort of person that would insert herself into family drama, doesn’t she?
  1. My wife claims that a lot of women were annoyed that she was on the “The Daily Show” because she was the least funny member of the cast. Is this true?
  1. The videos she makes with Aaron are really bad, but at least they try?
  1. Do you think Aaron is jealous of Olivia because she had sex with Captain America, or Captain America because he dated Olivia first?
  1. Does Rodgers’s family hate him because he might be gay?
  1. Or is it because he only has room for one Jordan in his life?
  1. Did he walk up to Jordy Nelson one day and say “Jordy, you’re my Jordan now” without context?
  1. Is Jordy Nelson still injured?
  1. Why didn’t Ted Thompson sign another wideout for Rodgers?
  1. Why does Ted Thompson hate free agents?
  1. Remember when the Packers used to sign good free agents, like Reggie White?
  1. Wasn’t he a terrible person?
  1. Remember his racist tirade in front of the Wisconsin legislature where he also insulted gay people?
  1. Didn’t he also insult “midgets” and gypsies, or was that Saturday Night Live?
  1. Reggie White would have totally voted for Trump if he wasn’t dead, right?
  1. Dom Capers is dead, right?
  1. Do you think capers are kind of gross on chicken and fish?
  1. What are capers, anyway?
  1. I wonder if Clay Matthews eats chicken and fish a lot with his chunky soup in his Mom Cave?
  1. “Mom Cave” is quite the innuendo, no?
  1. Would it be weird if Clay Matthews did steroids just to look good for Aaron Rodgers?
  1. How would the NFL handle that, if he took steroids just to look better and not to play better?
  1. Should players be suspended for appearance-enhancing drugs?
  1. “Julius Peppers” sounds like a character name for a pimp in a ’70s blaxploitation film, doesn’t it?
  1. Why have the Packers had so many questionable character guys over the years?
  1. I wonder if Paul Hornung is drunk right now?
  1. Does Mark Chmura have a sports radio talk show or does he coach a high school girls lacrosse team in Wisconsin?
  1. Has Brett Favre ever texted his wife dong pictures?
  1. Was Najeh Davenport drunk when he pooped in a hamper?
  1. Why a hamper?
  1. Was he getting back at his wife or fiance or something?
  1. Is he still married or dating that person?
  1. Pretty awesome, either way?
  1. Is McCarthy a good coach, or just lucky to have Rodgers?
  1. Should Mike McCarthy really be calling Eddie Lacy fat?
  1. Should Mike McCarthy call anyone fat?
  1. What is the BMI of the average NFL fan?
  1. It has to be really high, right, especially for Midwestern fans?
  1. How about those Hail Marys last year?
  1. Is “Ha-Ha” a nickname?
  1. Why is “Clinton-Dix” hyphenated?
  1. Do you think his parents called him that because he has a good laugh?
  1. Or because he was odd-looking?
  1. Or maybe they just like Nelson from “The Simpsons”, and we are all pronouncing it wrong?
  1. Are the Packers still selling those $250 “shares” that were non-transferable, non-redeemable, and contained no voting rights?
  1. Getting people to donate $250 to a billion dollar corporation is a great scam, right?
  1. Will Blake Martinez be able to step up and contribute to a weak linebacker corps as a fourth round draft pick and relative unknown from Stanford?

Most Likely Scenario:  Same as last year. 10-6, second place in NFC North, early play-off exit.  Same old good offense, average defense team that loses in the playoffs.

Best Case Scenario for 2016:  Aaron Rodgers doesn’t get hurt, Jordy Nelson is as good as he was before injury, Eddie Lacy returns to his 2014 form and has a great rushing season, the offensive line holds up, and the front seven use their youth and athleticism to stabilize the defense.  The Packers win the division with a 12-4 record and advance to the Super Bowl.

Worst Case Scenario for 2016:  Jordan and Jo Jo confront Aaron and Olivia, telling Olivia that she “is not there for the right reasons.”  Aaron and Jordan do that weird brother thing where they don’t actually fight, but just kind of roll around on the ground for a while, tearing Aaron’s ACL in the process.  Scott Tolzien starts for the year, and the Packers go 8-8 and miss the playoffs.  Rodgers comes out of the closet in a teary press conference and reunites with his estranged family, including Jordan.  Munn is so devastated that she Steve McNairs him.  The Bears waive Jay Cutler at the end of the 2016 season following another 6-10 campaign.  Green Bay picks him up as a stop-gap, and they win the 2017 Super Bowl. Cutler retires following the championship, and celebrates by vaccinating his children. The Packers go on to draft the next Joe Montana in the fifth round of the 2018 draft.

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[…] some reason, this website let a me, a dumb Bears fan, write the 2016 Green Bay Packers preview.  I predicted a 10-6 record and an early playoff exit.  They finished 10-6 and made it to the NFC […]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blackroseMD1

Vikings fans are tossing out replacement names left and right over on Daily Norseman.

Apparently they’ve started drinking heavily too:

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brocky

And to think i was about to post on the vikings thread that there was little to no chance they repeat as division champs.

the road not traveled.

Also,
Why have the Packers had so many questionable character guys over the years?

its not weird that they’ve had so many, that’s par for the course in the league. every team is pretty much a cesspool.

what is weird is how the packers are willing to go through so many mental gymnastics justifying the shit they do. You thought the victim blaming in the Roethlisberger case was bad? If that had happened to a green bay player, there’d be a bounty on that poor girl’s scalp

rant over

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What does today’s news mean for my plan to take AP with the 3rd pick in a keeper league?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It will be like the gang bang movies; 8 is Enough in the Box.

blaxabbath

A new “grilled cheese gastropub” has opened in the spot of this old italian restaurant along the gay strip here. I think (hope?) we’ve just finally reached peak hipster as it’s the same old unimpressive space but now with some chalkboard paint on the walls and some pallet wood on the host stand. $9 to $12 for a typical grilled cheese and chips in a basket.

Like, man, I want you guys to succeed but — let’s just say I want your success to be on the pocketbooks of other customers.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would think if you were imaginative enough there would be hundreds of variations of recipes you could add verities of cheese and put between verities of bread and grill it. All the way from a breakfast egg-GC to a dessert of cheesecake inspired items. Let’s get Hippo down there right away.

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blaxabbath

Yes. But their menu has like five items including “The ‘Merika” which is cheddar and Velveeta ($9).

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well then, maybe it will be a new restaurant in 6-10 months.

Unsurprised

Yeah, fuck them with a giant wheel of cheddar.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If it is real melty it will burn the roof of their anus.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

One that I have liked since I was a kid is garden fresh tomatoes sliced thick, mayo, salt, pepper, and either sharp cheddar or fresh mozzarella on sourdough. Craving; ENGAGED. The variation is with lox, CAPERS, onions added.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Boooooooooooooo

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“THEE CAPERS WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!!”

-Dom

“And your sole.”

-Rex

“Sole what?”

-Cecelia Cichan

...

As someone who likes how beer and coffee and food and liquor have gotten better, I can’t help but roll my eyes at some of this. A part of me is fine with a greasy burger and fries joint that gives zero fucks about where the food was sourced and whether it’s been “elevated.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I like that too at certain times, however that used to be the only choice in a lot of places. Bring on the variety and let the people decide.

When I was a kid a long time ago in a different galaxy a lot of the rural “greasy spoons” used fresh, locally sourced food because they didn’t have much choice. I am glad to see it return somewhat.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

On that note I’m fucking hungry again or at least craving again.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This is billed as a fight between the goodness of tacos v. the goodness of sandwiches. I say that this can just happen in my stomach on a good day of the eatings.

http://media.giphy.com/media/YHAcQo1567nVe/giphy.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I was able to save some of the Kommentariot’s last FF name suggestions be the site that will be unnamed broke.

Some still apply.
Giselle’s Peggin’ Dildo.
Hulksters For Racial Equality
Roddy White Privilege
Futon of Buns
Futon of Guns
The Spokane Black Sox
Heavy Pettine
Ayatollah Assaholla
Pierre-Paul Half-Shocker
The White Power Rangers
Derelicte my Ballghazi
Monica Loves Clinton-Dix
Cromartie’s Magnificent Bastard Kids
Malcolm Butler’s Inside Job
Commissioner Bad-dell
The Bearistocrats!
Jimmy Garapohno
Welter? Damn Near Killed Her
Jared Fogle’s Pee Wee League
Caitlyn Jenner’s lopped off member
Aaron Rodger’s Beard Cream
The Grossman From Another Place
The Indeterminate Amount of Fingers
Sheldon Richardson’s Uber Driver
Dutch Town Josh Gordon
Quaaludes from Cosby
Tequila Mockingbird
Bill Cosby’s Deep Sleepers

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Some of YOU PEOPLE may recognize your own FF names.

http://www.endlesssimmer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/lizlemon6.gif

Unsurprised

[A surprise guest enters the Vikings field]

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Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Unsurprised
blackroseMD1

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Unsurprised

I will always love you, grilled cheese. Especially when you get all fancy with good bread and a nice cheese or two.

blaxabbath

Gotta assume this is going to effect their Power Ranking position significantly.

10. Minnesota Vikings

2015 record: 11-5
Post-draft ranking: No. 9

In 2013, the year before coach Mike Zimmer arrived, the Vikings ranked last in points allowed. In 2015, Zimmer’s second year, they finished fifth.

    If the offense can score some points, expect the Vikings to stay in the top 10.
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Teddy is out, but the cheese will continue.

http://media.giphy.com/media/obCugLmgDIAqk/giphy.gif

Unsurprised

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Defensive Back Mike Wallace

I’m so ashamed for laughing at that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, with how Zimmer looked at the press conference, plus him making references to his dead wife, I fear the worst.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Peter King, updating his notes from the press conference:

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Unsurprised

The sad part is that I can genuinely see this happening. Someone’s going to write something stupid for Monday and it’ll be published because he doesn’t have an editor to smack him on the nose and say “No! Bad shill.”

blaxabbath

Sedated? Man, and I thought Minnesota had a quarterback who was TOUGH!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That fucking sucks.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

I should be concern about Bridgewater, but I’m more confused. He survived Michael Bennett, Aaron Donald, and TJ Clemmings, but not the turf monster???

http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/173/576/Wat8.jpg?1315930535

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There is actually some funny comment there; color me purple drank.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
blaxabbath

Does this mean his loyalty to Hill with make DTZM a SKOL fan?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Shit, with that Teddy news, I need to revise my Bears preview. Still probably not breaking .500.

blaxabbath

So what is the new NFC Playoff Picture?

ARI
CAR
GB
SEA
WAS

NYG?

...

The Cowboys because Dak is gonna be A GODDAMNED STAR!

Sharkbait

Manziel to the Vikings? Please make it so.

nomonkeyfun

And apparently down goes Teddy, so I guess the Packers just won the North, can get a bye and lose in the second round.

blaxabbath

I see that the Viking’s depth chart hasn’t assign jersey #7 to anyone yet.

BLI77ARD’S COMIN’! PRAYERS UP!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is crazy. Like, did his knee just spontaneously explode in a paroxysm of blood and gore?

https://twitter.com/ProFootballDoc/status/770704522997960704

blaxabbath

I mean, it’s not like Zig is gonna throw him in the back of the Bentley and take him to the hospital.

RIP 2016 Minnesota Vikings
4/28/16 – 8/20/16

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
blaxabbath

Damn shame. No ACL tear should exist unless it’s this ACL here.

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/20150118/5163625/tom-brady-acl-tear-o.gif

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What’s crazy is that that play probably hurt the Chiefs more than the Patriots, in that it led to the Chiefs trading the #34 pick in the 2009 draft plus blowing like $50 million on Cassel, who led them to a record of 19-28.

blaxabbath

Maybe so but, long term, look at how well they’ve done. They’re going for 4 straight division runner ups!

laserguru

I hate lots of things right now.

I actually teared up a little telling one of my employees about this.

I care about this stupid fucking sport way too much.

blaxabbath

“Well Vikings, statistically, preseason football games are safer for your players than training camp practices.” -NFL Medial Board

jjfozz

I love my wife. Seriously. But now she has the stomach bug we’ve been passing through the household.

When my wife is sick there are two things I want to do:
– get blackout drunk and wind up on the Spanish Steps
– strangle my wife

She is the worst. You would have thought she drank an ebola martini that was garnished with AIDS and cancer stuffed olives.

blaxabbath

As someone who insists on stopping the world for a man cold, I support your wife.

...
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Being the horrible, self-hating Bears fan that I am, the idea of Cutler winning a Super Bowl for the Packers is exactly the Circle of Hell I believe my people deserved to be relegated to. I hope it happens.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I wonder………….. IF IT STILL HAS A QUIET CAR?

http://www.msn.com/en-us/travel/news/amtrak-unveils-new-acela-trains/ar-AAieQ5r?OCID=ansmsnnews11

AND WILL EVERYBODY BUT ME BE QUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEET??

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
...

There is something incredibly…I guess I’d say “inauthentic” about Munn. I get the feeling after about an hour or two with her I’d just be rolling my eyes at every other thing she said and be tired of her.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’d get tired……..

OF NOT DOING HER IN THE BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTT!

/is 13

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

She’d get bored long before I would, even if I was only with her for an hour or two. I’d say about 30 seconds, well maybe she’d give me the next 30 seconds, and then get really tired of me.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
nomonkeyfun

More like sticky and disgusted.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

BECAUSE SHE IS A BEARD!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

I know we don’t agree on the deep-dish, New York, (shudders) St. Louis, or apizza, pizza argument, but cheese is crucial.

http://media1.giphy.com/media/2LqQkIPKNevkc/giphy.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

Cheese fucking sucks, man. We all know dis!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What we all know is you are a GOD DAMN foreigner!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

/shudders uncontrollably

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Don T
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Don T

Always go with the plural. And He’s the Lord; ain’t He supposed to be forgivin’?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

Mylan Pharmaceuticals can burn in hell as well.
That is all.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Ehhhh, the FDA making them the only game in town doesn’t help either. Their product has a weird patent clause that you can’t make a generic version of Epi-Pens.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Indeed.
But with the exception of your basic corticosteroids, and aspirin probably, epinephrine is about the cheapest thing to synthesize.

But yeah, fuck the FDA while we’re at it.

😉

blaxabbath

Hey! It’s fine to be against Mylan but stating it on the internet isn’t the right place to make a stance. If you think the prices are too high, vote in representatives who will change things or, better yet, I don’t see you giving your tens of thousands of dollars to pay for the less fortunate WHO CHOSE TO HAVE ALLERGIES to get epi pens.

Or something like this, I’ve kinda not been paying attention….

Unsurprised

I just want to watch the world burn.

Don T

20. Capers are delicious, especially with lemon and chicken or fish.

33. The hamper’s mouth should be wide enough for an athlete’s ass. But while the clothes are already dirty, that pretreatment will be a bitch. Or just burn everything, which is already in a compact container that you can buy anywhere. So great shock value, with good after-hassle. It’s a crass, but is simple and efficient revenge.

So yeah, this preview made me think.

jjfozz

In other news, my cousin and his fiance (Eagles fan from Philthy, so another reason to hate her) have called off the wedding.

She made him move to Florida, and now he is heading home. She is staying.

I’m glad I have reined in my temper and anger, otherwise I’d be piloting a hijacked cigarette boat to Fla so I could set her car on fire and take a shit in her box of tampons.

blaxabbath

There is NO WAY you have taken a shit in the last 24 months. You’re our Anderson from Beavis & Butthead.

Unsurprised

Fuck it, dude. Just be happy your cousin came to his senses. She’s already being punished enough by staying in Florida.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I almost got into a fight with an Orange Co. (NC) sheriff’s deputy yesterday…shitheal was using overgrown trees to hide, tree’s which have made it dangerous to pull out onto the main road for months….instead of reporting the danger, he decided to use it for his own quota.

“Protect and Serve” my ass you fucking hillbilly. Go set your unsafe speedtrap up on someone else’s road next time and tell the rest of those assholes to come trim these trees or I’m not sending in my property taxes next year!!!!!!!!!

blaxabbath

I feel like the North will be a pretty interesting race with the Packers and the Vikings being legit teams to make post season runs.

Enjoy that first round game in HTTR.

blaxabbath

Sooooo…..you all can just scratch this comment.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

7-9 : The predicted record for the 2016 Green Bay Packers or the dimensions specified in Aaron Rodgers’ most recent Craigslist ad (in inches)?

blaxabbath

He’s eastern Wisconsin’s Carlos Danger.

blaxabbath

Fuck Clay Matthews. I hope he’s done nothing wrong but The Shield still hangs him out to dry on this Al Jazeera thing.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The insertion of a Fanduel ad in this comment is pure brilliance.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Since you need an arch nemesis, Clay Matthews and his golden locks will do.

blaxabbath

He was always in the #brandconcious kinda-douche category for me until that little stunt with not helping up Palmer. That’s fucking child’s play behavior right there.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I thought it was hilarious, in a douchebag football way.

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view1/4635025/cup-of-cheese-o.gif

jjfozz

Thought while driving to work today: what if terrorists infiltrated the assembly line of a car company that produced the most common cars in America and attached timed explosive devices so they would go off instantaneously on a given day and time?

That would be fucking horrible.

But not as horrible as having to see another picture of Packer players on bikes. Or giving rides to Packer fans on bikes. I fucking hate that shit.

jjfozz

Fuck him too.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Just when I think I can’t love fozz any more than I already do (in a totally not gay way, as far as he knows).
Looks like I’ll MAYBE be in town middle of next month, btw….presuming my family doesn’t screw it up or more likely…presuming I’m not incarcerated by then.

Whenever I do get there tho, if you don’t let me buy you a metric fuckton of beers, I’ll be sad.

(yay, my edit button works)

blaxabbath

Can we get tank tops made that read “Strong Hate, LOFTY Hate”?

theeWeeBabySeamus

If it doesn’t say fozzscendence on the back, I won’t buy one.

jjfozz

Count on that shit, WBS, us Baltimorons gotta stick together.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Damn right. Plus nobody else can tolerate us….tho for you and myself that might be more a personal thing than our city of origin. But probably a column A column B type of thing.
*sigh*

blaxabbath

I still like you Baltimore Folk better than anyone associated with Boston.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I can understand all the energy for hate used on this, something that deeply affects your everyday life, every Americans’ life, hell, everybody’s! I mean PEOPLE RIDING BIKES NO WHERE NEAR YOU??!?! WTF?!? DEPORT THEM.

jjfozz

Nah, it’s not that. It’s the same old story about “oh golly gee, aren’t we so humble and like the common folk even though we have won a billion super bowls and vince lombardi and frozen tundra and blah, blah blah?”

That’s what gets me. The bikes are just a concrete object for my hatred.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m just giving you a hard time. I don’t mind the Packers per se, but that tradition narrative that comes up nonstop and that the fans feel self-righteous and superior about is a bit much. Now let’s move on to the Patriots.

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view2/4366717/panda-cheese-o.gif

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That worst case scenario will haunt my dreams. Also is more likely than the best case scenario.

laserguru

God I hate the fucking Packers.

That is all.

Enrico Pallazzo

When Eddie Lardy gets those goalline carries now, will he mind that every idiot there calls him a Kuhn?

Doktor Zymm

Capers are actually the buds of the flower of the capparis spinosa plant. I like them in some Italian chicken dishes, and I like them with bagels and cream cheese and smoked salmon. If you let the bud turn into a flower, then ripen into fruit, you get caper berries, which are larger and can be used to garnish a martini or bloody mary.

Also, if Jay Cutler won a Super Bowl for Green Bay, I would have to try really, really hard to not get murdered by Bears fans for laughing so damn hard.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Capers are balls of salt that ruin lox and many other independently awesome foodstuffs. I’ll hear no argument to the contrary.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You sir, YOU, are a lying communist!

Beerguyrob

Just keep reminding anyone still pining for the ’85 Bears that Jim McMahon won another by backing up Brett Favre.

http://www.tradingcarddb.com/Images/Cards/Football/95810/95810-9923552Fr.jpg

theeWeeBabySeamus

Chicken Picatta is the bane of my existence. Mostly because I can’t cook/eat it every day.
Yummy capers are yummy.
Just look at that shit right there….
http://www.partial-ingredients.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/PICATTA21.jpg

Senor Weaselo

See, I prefer Francese specifically because no capers. Also because I am picky as all hell.

Unsurprised

“Also, if Jay Cutler won a Super Bowl for Green Bay, I would have to try really, really hard to not get murdered by Bears fans for laughing so damn hard.”

Worth it.

blaxabbath

This was the least Packers fanesque write up I’ve ever seen by a Packers fan.

Now that’s refreshing!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That explains post avatar. A bear in a bear costume wearing a Bears jersey.

King Hippo

I like the drugs this man is on. THAT’S GOOD PREVIEW HUSTLE!!

ballsofsteelandfury

You nailed the dismount. Excellent job!

Also, Munn nailed Captain America?
Do you think he stuck it in her butt?
Does she seem like she would be open to that?
Do you think Aaron constantly bugs her to let him stick it in her butt?
Do you think she fights back and says, “Where did you learn to love anal sex?”
Does this mean the Packers go 9-7 instead of 10-6?