I was in the car the other day and the 1990 pop classic “Hold On” by Wilson Phillips came on the radio. As I was nostalgically transported back to a more innocent time in my life, I became aware that this is probably the worst, most god-awful song of all time. Which made me wonder why I had called the station 10 minutes earlier, requesting it.
This experience prompted me to reach out to an imaginary internet community and take requests for the worst song ever. The following conversation definitely took place, word for word:
[avatar user=”trollsoharduniversity” size=”thumbnail” align=”left” /] Troll-So-Hard-University: I hate “The Boys Are Back In Town” by Thin Lizzy, but my musical opinions are of no value whatsoever because I claim not to like Yes.
[avatar user=”johnzdennis” size=”thumbnail” align=”left” /] Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: This is not a mock draft, this is a REQUEST LINE. It’s DIFFERENT!
[avatar user=”sunrisesunrise” size=”thumbnail” align=”left” /] Sunrisesunrise: I dislike any song that Monty has parodied, and I hope that some part of him dies inside as a result of my comments.
[avatar user=”fmwarner” size=”thumbnail” align=”left” /] Why Eagles Why: I also hate American Pie, but here in Australia we call it Dingaroo Dongy Doo.
TSHU: I hate We Built This City, by Starship. Did I mention I hate Yes, which is a wrong opinion?
[avatar user=”Doktor Zymm” size=”thumbnail” align=”left” /] Doktor Zymm: Taylor Swift has a new song about an ex-boyfriend that is somehow more the worst song ever than any of her previous songs about an ex-boyfriend.
RTD: “Fly Away” by Lenny Kravitz has terrible lyrics. Lenny Kravitz is pretty. THIS IS NOT A MOCK DRAFT.
[avatar user=”cuntler” size=”thumbnail” align=”left” /] Cuntler: I do not participate in this discussion, in protest of #BFIB.
[avatar user=”joeseppe” size=”thumbnail” align=”left” /] Sep: X Ambassadors sold out, man. It used to be about the MUSIC, man.
[avatar user=”thepiratesloth” size=”thumbnail” align=”left” /] ThePirateSloth: I am unable to follow simple instructions like picking ONE song that is the worst song ever, so I have selected two entire bands, Green Day and 311.
[avatar user=”WCS” size=”thumbnail” align=”left” /] William Charles Schneider: I can go one better than ThePirateSloth and pick the entire genre of Bro Country, AGAIN INSTEAD OF PICKING JUST ONE FUCKING SONG.
[avatar user=”blaxabbath” size=”thumbnail” align=”left” /] Blaxabbath: Is there a song with the lyrics “still prayin’ to a god I don’t believe in”? If so, I hate it.
RTD: You’re doing this all wrong. I am oddly sexually attracted to Lenny Kravitz.
WCS: Oh, just one song? Okay, despite claiming to really like Pearl Jam, I vehemently disparage the song Black. My ideas are confusing to others.
[avatar user=”King Hippo” size=”thumbnail” align=”left” /] King Hippo: “Hollaback Girl” or however the fuck you spells it is by far the worst thing I’ve ever heard. If repeated enough, I’d kill infants to make it stop.
[Ed. note: this comment really IS word for word.]
[avatar user=”laserguru” size=”thumbnail” align=”left” /] yeah right: I have a couple of large rooms at work. I work in the main front production area and most of my employees work in the back area. They listen to some old school and today’s R&B on the radio and it keeps them productive so I don’t care. It’s not my thing but they’re happy. Anyway a year or two ago this screeching, out of tune, just shit-be-goddamn-awful song kept playing every few hours. It got to the point where I would actually go outside when I heard it come on. Finally, since I am the boss I had to find out. “What the fuck is that ear melting screech that I keep hearing every few hours?”
“Oh that’s Rihanna’s new song “Diamonds”. Jesus Christ. There is nothing I find more awful and unforgiving than domestic violence. Chris Brown is a scumbag but maybe she just started singing this song to him?
[avatar user=”Titans4Eva” size=”thumbnail” align=”left” /] Letter T on Fire: Hotel Fuckin’ California
Hotel Fuckin’ California, indeed, Letter T. I’m happy to take more requests in the comments… remember, the song has to be THE WORST. And then we can all feel bad about ourselves for the songs that other people request that make us say to ourselves, “Gee, I always kind of liked that song.”
[avatar user=”New School Zero” size=”thumbnail” align=”left” /] New School Zero: Wait, you think you’ve requested the worst song ever? You sorry saps have no idea what future musical horrors await you, when Peter King & The Florios reach the top of the charts.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/e/e0/Pittsburgh_Pirates_Alternate_logo.png/120px-Pittsburgh_Pirates_Alternate_logo.png
Odd how many I like, and how many I either have not heard or at least paid attention too/ shut out.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/9c6a2f8ff9bd7827b9d653aaf056d758/tumblr_n3se8gTL3S1svu6n9o1_500.gif
So it looks like most of my recent posts got moderated or deleted; that’s awesome.
Guess I didn’t play the game right.
Anything by Toby Keith. I don’t want his music to even make it on the playlist.
It’s alive.
http://media.giphy.com/media/YEL7FJP6ed008/giphy.gif
http://38.media.tumblr.com/6dfab87a1bae22c36422c2926d92d7e0/tumblr_nt977mpCnj1ur1w4qo1_400.gif
Can we go back to a simpler time ….. a time before Brady’s suspension was lifted….
http://33.media.tumblr.com/adf2cd31e194d3dd424e18a0c8242583/tumblr_n1d6r30avo1rwc3yzo1_1280.gif
I think we all might need a little bit of this…
https://youtu.be/eA4_O3oeJCw
You know what sucks about the Canadian music content law? When it’s a down year for Canadian musicians, you get exposed to this. No joke, the first time I heard this song, I was in a Subway restaurant and within 90 seconds, I actually had to leave because the song was making me that angry to listen to.
https://youtu.be/SwGrvVSVhL4
Huh. It appears I have forgotten how to post youtube videos here. Looks like all those pucks to the head has finally caught up to me.
You guys have some really weird laws about alcohol and your entertainment options. I used to think the Canada was heaven, but this isn’t heaven, this sucks!
http://i.ytimg.com/vi/I5OfoUMwXoc/hqdefault.jpg
“The End’ by The Doors. Overwrought faux-poetic bullshit from a pretty boy that showed his bloated true self shortly before he died.
https://youtu.be/VScSEXRwUqQ
Yes, I love the Doors too, great stuff.
You should join Cuntler; he also can’t just say he dislikes something; it has to suck so the he can rationalize not appreciating it.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/6c6c4997d18a805a3dc2df71fb72911c/tumblr_my41vzvFfD1stb7vko8_250.gif
On the other hand you are right with the thread’s theme, so never mind.
Signed “Dipshit.”
I know it’s Mary J. Blige, but I hate every-fucking-thing about this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=em328ua_Lo8
The shitty sampling of a god-awful soap opera theme,
the forced War on Terrorism reference,
Mary J. Blige mugging the camera,
the triflin’ ass lyrics,
and the angry Black guy slapping the TV at the 1:00 mark.
My stupid wife listens to country and NO ONE is worse than Luke Bryan. His music is terrible, he wears a fucking baseball cap, and everything is about “drinkin’ with the boys” even though this guy has to have zero friends.
Every country song just sounds like a parody of itself to me.
“Oh but New Country is totally different!”
-several of my employees
I went on a date with a cute girl a few months ago. She told me that System of a Down was her favorite band. I did not call her back.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUzd9KyIDrM
The most tragic thing is they just got back together.
When she told you that, you should have slyly said “I like a system of going down…” while pointing suggestively to your crotch.
Oh shit. Oh kids. I am going to deeply apologize for this one. This is another song I hear creeping from the back offices on the R&B station. Start with the horrible arrangement and stay for the cringe-inducing “scat” at the end of the song. It forces me to go outside and get a breath of air whenever I hear it.
/shudders.
Hold up now! We can’t start a conversation about shitty R&B without Natalie Cole.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lswB6q2t_6c
The year I gave up on the Grammies was the year that R.E.M. and Paul Simon both lost out on record of the year to Natalie Cole singing with her dead dad.
http://dirtygerund.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/simpson-grammy.jpg
There was a great Saturday Night Live sketch where they parodied that song. It was called “Unforgivable”.
Peg Bundy: It’s been so long since I’ve heard Nat without Natalie.
Any Married With Children quote is gonna get a thumbs up from me.
One last sonic abortion from the R&B scene: This goddamn thing.
The best part about it is the title. Holy shit, she’s self aware!
Don’t hit play! Just don’t!
For an android, she’s a pretty good singer.
Does she dream about electric sheep?
How do you post youtube videos on here? I swear I knew how to do this before, but can’t seemingly do it now.
I’m going to stop reading this so I can go wash my ears with bleach, then pour gasoline on them and light it. Hopefully the pain will also drive them out of my brain too.
/Bruce Springsteen, Thin Mints, or Hitler? Who ya got?
F Bruce, M Thin Mints, K Hitler.
Wagon Wheel by Hootie without the damn blowfish. Hipster wanna be country hick dumb fucks play this every couple of songs on the jukebox at a few of the bars I like. I’ll never understand why city kids try to act like they’re from down on the farm, but they’ve ruined an entire town of bars for me.
No no… Just Wagon Wheel will do… Goddammit I hate that song
I Only Want To Be With You. Fuck Hootie. Fuck The Blowfish.
So I heard this song a few weeks ago while getting my hair cut (may have to switch barber shops), and I couldn’t believe it was real. Basically just some asshole taking Marvin Gaye song titles and putting them in his own awful awful song. It’s just horrific.
Dammit, embed, damn you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igNVdlXhKcI
Like Cuntler mentioned below I made it about 10 seconds. What a shitpile.
I lasted a bit longer only because it felt like seeing a car wreck and wanting to know if there was anything worse to be seen/heard.
“It’s actually a really great video if you turn off the sound.”
– Jared Fogle
Is that John Kruk in drag in the banner pic?
Where The Streets Have No Name.
It’s hard to determine the exact moment a band becomes insufferable, but luckily U2 wrote out the map on how to discover that point.
When They Became Insufferable:
U2: When War went platinum
Metallica: When Cliff Burton died.
Rolling Stones: When it became financially impossible for them to ever run out of cocaine.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers: When they stopped doing heroin.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers: When Anthony Kiedis bought a map of the United States and felt required to use it when writing every subsequent song.
HOT TAEK COMING: U2 the band may have became insufferable with War, but the music didn’t become insufferable until about Zooropa.
You don’t know bad songs until you’ve heard “Day Drinking,” the official song of Twisted Tea.
https://youtu.be/-NPqM3vPDg8
Dear God. I made it less than 10 seconds. Modern country is pretty rough, isn’t it?
Twisted Tea is a WWE sponsor, so I have to hear the whistling part at least seven times an hour on Monday nights.
If this WERE a draft, this would be my second pick.
You beat me to it.
I do like the porn version of this song.
WCS has clearly never had a full nude lap dance while Black is playing. Or he did and it was extremely disappointing.
I once got a lap dance to “Me and A Gun”.
That was awkward.
I select that shit-tastic
… “Centuries” song by Fallout Boy. They get the daily double because they sample that equally shitty Diner song from the 80’s. This Fucking song makes me physically angry. Probably because the band takes themselves seriously.
Goddamnit.
I hate that song and switch the radio every time it comes on, which used to be often.
Agreed 100%. What’s funny is that I actually *like* Sugar We’re Going Down.
Well…LIKE…is a bit of a strong word. Perhaps “don’t hate” is a little more accurate.
Nah, I’m with you on this. They made some legit Pop Punk early on, like so effing sugary-sweet rot your teeth pop punk.
What I really hate is, the stupid band took a secondary Simpsons character and named themselves after him. Which is pretty cool. Then they decided to be the worst.
I was at Dodger Stadium last weekend, had just sat down in my seat, put my beer in the cup holder, opened my bag of peanuts and they started playing this song. I yelled “Oh goddammit, you assholes!”
The guy in the seat next to me asks “You OK?
“The song man! That fucking song!” and there was nothing I could do about it.
So much for productivity. I just asked my co-worker what song she hates, and she said this one. Jesus, I had never heard that before, but it is fucking awful.
My computer crashed while I was watching this video.
I know that there are horrible crimes against humanity, pick a massacre from any time period, but good god on a pogo stick, this fucking song ranks right up there.
And this crap. I should probably do something productive now.
God damn it, Hammer.
“I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO HURT THEM!”
– me, pointing at my ears
Any song at all by Imagine Dragons. Any song.
Who decided that they needed to be popular?
Who decided this?
My best friend likes them. He always plays them whenever he drives anywhere, and it’s gotten to the point where I’ll just drive myself.
My 11 year old started listening to them, and they were banned from my car. Forever.
Better ban your kids from the car too, just to be safe.
This is going to be the worst mix ever.
I think the fun part is how many people will secretly like a lot of these songs.
“This is going to be the worst mix ever.”
– Riley Cooper’s grandfather in attendance at the University of Alabama, 1963
A classic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ
My feelings are hurt that you didn’t use this version:
As I now am the father of a daughter, fuck this song in every imaginable way.
Another band that should fly themselves into the sun
You’re literally worse than Hitler.
The whole Aja album is awesome.
Steely Dan has NEVER produced anything of value.
Aja… first CD I bought when I got a player.
This is terrible, as well. This guy sounds like a bawking chicken.
i would volunteer to stomp his balls off, if he had any
This apparently is a different person, but equally awful.
Insane Clown Posse – Miracles (actually, it is kind of amazing in that ‘holy shit, is this for real?’ kind of way)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-agl0pOQfs
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_AXhWXW1FFeA/TAupDhdJpjI/AAAAAAAAIYE/tC788b7wmj4/s1600/FUCKINGMAGNETS.jpg
Hey look! I accurately named two songs that are legitimately terrible! Guess what else? Yes is the worst band EVER and prog-rock can suck a bag of salted dicks
FWIW, I agree with your Starship pick. Thin Lizzy, I never felt one way or the other about that song.
You’re literally worse than Stalin.
I can’t believe we used to go out.
Guys, the worst song in the world is unquestionably “Happy” by Pharrell Williams.
Seriously, fuck this asshole who hasn’t aged in 25 years, and fuck these little dancing minion bastards that like it in that movie as well.
Achey Breaky Heart by the father of Miley.
Oh God,I shouldn’t have even typed it,it’s in my head now!
I was a Charlottean teenager with a Carowinds season pass for the summer when that came out. The airbrush t-shirts on the mulletheads with their hands in each others’ back pockets…they were everywhere.
http://ih1.redbubble.net/image.81956928.2764/flat,800×800,075,t.jpg
THERE IT IS! I’m so glad someone else came up with this before me.
“I dunno, I kinda like it. It really speaks to me on a personal level.”
– Gary Kubiak
New Kids on the Block. Everything they ever put out.
My sister was 8 when they had their first hit. I think my parents had to buy her at least two copies of each cassette, she wore them out so quickly.
Thank God I didn’t have to go to one of their shows. My Father took her and two of her friends. He says he smoked three joints just before they left to go to the Brendan Byrne Arena.
I hate this song more than anything:
It’s existence is worth it just for this:
Anything Goo Goo Dolls, really. That band can go DIAF.
In my defense, I may have had a “Sarkisian cocktail” earlier in the evening.
That said, I stand by my statement 100%. Gwen Stefani can die in a fire already.
But what if she bought tits?
Hopefully she does that as a divorce present to herself.
Piano Man.
Go fucking DIE Billy Joel. And take motherfucking Elton John with you because I would sacrifice a kidney if I was allowed to pummel him with a fishbat.
Damned fine selection. Like there’s any dive bar in the world shitty enough for the clientele to think that motherfucker is too talented to be there.
You are literally worse than Hitler.
Billy Joel and Springsteen? You should probably just leave.
/You are Peter King, aren’t you?
You are a philistine.
Ha! If the arts include really crappy washed-up 80s rockers from the tri-state area, then you’ve got me.
/Would you like more pumpkin in your latte, Mr. King?
Cessation of hostilities is now over. Chicago pizza is dogshit.
All varieties of pizza are good. That’s like saying you hate all types of of one thing because of a singular shared trait. You know who else hated all types of one thing because of a singular shared trait, don’t you?
(It was Hitler. Ppl forget that IMO.)
Did I say “Chicago pizza”? Because what I meant was “dogshit casserole that is commonly and incorrectly referred to as pizza”.
You dislike so many types of food at this point that there is nothing left for me to do but shrug.
Go Packers
Speaking of Elton John, Crocodile Rock.