Holy crap, it’s here. We have ACTUAL, COUNTING FOOTBALL for the first time in roughly 10 quatrillion years. We’ve been subjected to preseason football, Ballghazi, Spygate Redux, The assorted ongoing [*Redacted] s debacle, the goddamned Patriots being your returning champions, the preseason knee apocalypses of Jordy Nelson and Kelvin Benjamin, thousands of terrible think pieces about violence and concussions, the weird muzzling of Junior Seau’s daughter at the Hall of Fame, Geno Smith getting punched in the face by a teammate, and everything else awful pertaining to football being dragged into the light. Sadly, this is in no way a comprehensive list.
But now, we’re here. We’ve climbed an Everest of garbage and planted our dick joke flag on top of NFL mountain. Let’s have a great time tonight, kids.
FOO’BAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2nd Half Post is up HERE
Holy shit, if they fellate the patriots any harder, it will be exactly like every other NFL game the patriots have had nationally televised.
…and, right on queue, here’s Rodney Harrison blowing Gronk!
Wait, everyone else’s teevee box isn’t muted like mine??
I’m surprised Rodney wasn’t wearing a bib.
Please welcome our very special guest, Great Divide Whiskey Barrel Aged Old Ruffian.
Me, in about three hours (and 50 pounds lighter…maybe):
For one night only, I’m crossing over to the dark side.
GO STEELERS! Beat those cheating assholes!
“Cheating assholes”
/Ashley Madison subscriber’s ears prick up
cheers to not drinking bud light
Bud Light: When you have to get up early for work tomorrow morning but still want something kind of alcoholic.
test part deux
http://i.imgur.com/8eXoxQ4.gif
Qapla!
Let it burn? Is she talking about san Francisco?
She’s encouraging Gronkowski to make sure he pees before the game start.
The path to the pro bowl begins tonight!
Let’s go you Yinzer cunts.
Fact: Ellie Goulding is the grand-daughter of Elliot Goulding, star of M.A.S.H.
Factier: great-grand-daughter of Elie Wiesel
Oh good! It’s always heartwarming when the child of someone famous is able to buck the odds and become famous themselves.
Happy football season
God damnit… I forgot Chris Collinsworth hasn’t been murdered yet. Why is it that when I purpose that we cleanse the world of lizard people nobody listens?
You really think Death would take him?
She’s attractive, in an unattractive kind of way.
Those would be the faces they would make if The Ben were to rape The Dreamboat.
AGAIN, I promise my vote to acquit…
“…and starring Bernard Pollard as ‘Zed’!”
Look, it’s the peak moment of the season for 49er fans.
Do we need privileges to post pics, or just HTML haxxors?
Oh shit, Fek is here! Break out the dental dams!
Dental Dam! Lisa needs condoms! Dental Dam!
test
FUCK YOU, YOU KLINGON DONGLICKER!
For you Fek, just make sure that the link ends with the actual image – klingondick.jpg, etc.
Hey, this song has the same name as what I would happen to all those neo-hippies out at Burning Man!
Time to exercise the old mute button, I see…
So I was reading a review of the new Apple TV where the reviewer described the volume button on the remote as “icing on the cake”. What kind of fucking TV remote ever since its goddamned invention doesn’t have a volume button?
“There will never be an app store for the iphone”
-Steve Jobs, slightly after the iphone came out and slightly before the app store came out.
My war cry this season:http://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-calm-and-fuck-the-patriots.png
Obligatory:
http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/gfaqssb/images/9/90/IT'S_HAPPENING.gif/revision/latest?cb=20150617142034
Chili dogs!
If karma really exists, the first time Brady goes back to throw, his knee buckles under him. No contact, open field, and a torn ACL.
If he gets injured during any of the first 4 games, I will start attending church again.
Ball is thrown from his hand as he reaches for his knee, intentional grounding penalty.
But that would wreck my Fant-
(gets hit by chair)
Mine too, and it’s a price I’m willing to pay.
I love generic blondes being auto-tuned. So much better than music.
Mmmm, seared scallops.
Bangers and mash in honor of the Queen’s longest reign!
/just a coincidence
//monarchy should be drowned in the Thames
“Seared scallops puts you on the IR for at least four months.”
-Emmitt Smith
I am fucking choking to death after getting screamed at after a week of my dad claiming he is gonna shoot himself in the face. You get boobs before kickoff. Let me know if you feel neglected Leigh, I will post one for you. It is gonna be Chris Pratt though. He is my mancrush
http://40.media.tumblr.com/ba26be2e2a1eb4eb7479d2abb74bca1c/tumblr_nu3j492Nwb1tbs59no1_1280.png
Good luck with your dad, hope all is well.
Just shit for an entire week. I literally do every chore for him and he doesn’t go out. He still is pissed at me for “never helping him”. He started mentioning shooting himself this week, that was what broke me. I don’t trust him with a gun.
That is… unfortunate. Good luck, bud. Thanks for all damn fine work you’ve done here.
Alright, let’s get this game out of the way. This is the only game of the year I will cheer for the stillers.
50 dollars to the player who brings me the ACL of Tom Brady.
$100 to the one who brings me his scrotal sack. I will have it cleaned, tanned, and turned into a teeny, tiny coin holder.
I only have one question: WHERE IS OTTO
He’s busy running for President under his pseudonym, “Scott Walker.”
/slow clap
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NOUS SOMMES TOUS LES STILLERS
Speak American!
i would grudge fuck her, because I’m a patriot dammit.
http://macunoonpalin.blogspot.com/?zx=94a470290025054c
Never gets old.
If only to prove Trig was someone else’s fault?
Hello friends,
Another long time lurker from KSK here. Back then, my name was DareusTheBarbareus. I look forward to discussing all the important matters of the world with you all season long.
Note: In my mind, “important matters” constitute the impending, but justifiable trade of Aaron Rodgers to his favourite Chicago Bears.
Antonio Brown’s success is a tribute to his hard work. His hair is a tribute to Tetris.
-LeighAnne off to a strong start
-can she keep up the momentum?
-strength of spelling skills yet to be determined
/notes from Football Commenting Weekly
Can’t even spell succees, smh,,,
FUCK YOU UPROXX!!!! Just checking in to wish everyone a Happy Kickoff. It’s the same crew but it doesn’t feel the same. I’ll be checking in on everyone. Enjoy the season and God Bless to all.
I kind of want to see if anyone’s there, but I don’t want to give more page views than necessary.
http://i.ytimg.com/vi/nCta-nPBYx4/hqdefault.jpg
Fuck Them. We are orphans. I want nothing to do with them.
#godbless
My hype music for tonight:
/what? It just happened to come on. It’s still a good song!
“Better than ‘Tearing Tendons (from a heel)’.”
-Achilles
Guys I’m torn; there’s no beer in the house but if I walk up to the package store I’m gonna have to put pants on.
This is a true Sophie’s Choice if ever there was one.
Ah, Pinky, you’ve always been there for me…
http://www.yelp.com/biz/pink-elephant-liquors-and-deli-los-angeles
Just wrap a towel around your waist
http://static.giantbomb.com/uploads/scale_super/2/29874/2335745-SimpS10Barney.gif
Got any homeless people or children you can send?
It’s no shirt, no shoes, no service. It says nothing about pants.
Go pantsless, claim fugue state.
Costas was grinning through that monologue like he ate ALL the shit.
When the ice in your freezer is an inch thick that just means that it’s trying to get closer to the delicious food in there, right?
/don’t feel like defrosting the old ice box tonight…
Dont talk about your wife like that…
The louder the tv gets during football, the colder she gets…
It just means you’re in Canadia.
I’m DVRing the game since I won’t be home until roughly half time. I hope to catch up with all y’all before the end of the game.
Fucking Hell Yes!
I’m here to PROTECT DA SHIELD
Costas: “Many within the game and outside of the game consider Roger Goodell to be a good man.”
What???
Many would also vote for Donald Trump:
http://post.sethfontana.com/archivos/kent-brockman-democracy.png
Gentlemen.
Howdy. I hate both these teams but goddammit I been waitin all day for this
Agreed X a very large number.
READY TO RUN THRUUU A WAALLL COOCH!
/turned on NBC preview lost my moxie, grabbin a bottle of whisky
READY TO RUN THRUU A COOCH, Y’ALL
– Gronk
Is it too late to add a song to last week’s “Do Your Worst” request line? Because that song Train just played on the pre-game show was a real shit-storm. My ears are bleeding…
Exhibit 1: Why you don’t watch pre-game shows.
Somehow every season it takes me a couple of weeks to remember this…
I think it was my sister who realized that every Train song is kind of creepy when you listen to the lyrics.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0S8wBNoiv90
Train is to music as Robespierre was to peaceful transitions.
Train is to music as is the square of zero to mathematics.
+1 reign of terror
So will new comments show up or do we have to hit refresh?
It auto refreshes every 30 seconds.
Even on iPads?
Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup. It’s a responsive site, so it should work cross platform.
Will it work on my 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line if I dont have an IP router that’s compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Yes, but you have to blow on the cartridge first
Sometimes.
Gentlemen,
‘Tis good to take the field with you once again.
You today who sheds his blood with me shall be my brother!
“Aperos ostios” means “Door Openers” in Latin.
Speak American or there’s the door.
I kid because I care.
I tinkh you mean Murkan SMGDMFHROTFLMMFAO
Looking forward to the ksk alum reunion/circle jerk tonight
Get your muffins ready!
I prefer pretzels.
http://i.ytimg.com/vi/JUaEPQ_hvUw/maxresdefault.jpg
Nice, super old school . I first remember hearing Minor Threat way back in 1986
I thought it was a cookie. A non-Girl Scout cookie for neutrality purposes.
Guys I was only kidding about the circle jerk
Yeah, I knew that…
/zips up pants
Too late. EAT THE CRACKER.
Our circle jerk discussion got REAL.
Can’t wait to see the championship banner go up to the chants of “BRADY!”, “BRADY!”, “BRADY!”.
I’d say “Think of something more annoying” but the one merciful thing about the Patriots is they don’t use Seven Nation Army.
hey guys
Hey Sill
S’up Up?
Hi there. Nice to not see you again.
GET BACK ON DISPATCH FARVA
Yeah, kids are getting ready for bed. I’m ready for the football
But it’s still light out! And they haven’t finished their nachos yet.
Now we can officially take the mantle of premier football/dick joke blog.
I could cut diamonds with my boner right now.
LET’S GET THIS MOTHERFUCKING CLUSTER FUCK ORGY OF A SEASON FUCKING STARTED!