I don’t know about you but it looks like an absolutely beautiful fall day out there. A great day to work in the yard, as a matter of fact. But I won’t be doing that AT ALL. Because of the football, you see. Glorious, glorious games with frothing at the mouth giants trying to disembowel some other guy because he prefers to wear a uniform with a different colour on it. Existential, huh? No? Well, umm, here are the games…
Det vs SD: Melvin Gordon makes his debut against last year’s best rushing defense. Sure there are Suh pieces missing but Melvin [giggles quietly to himself] has some work to do. Welcome to the NFL buddy. These teams rarely play each other so that’s important. The Bolts have 8-8 written all over them.
Ten at TB: I can only assume that this will be the featured game because the NFL is a stupidhead. Titans! Bucs! Oh My! Mariota begins the massive uphill struggle that is getting acclimated to the whys, wherefores and whatchamacallits of the pro game. Evans plans to play but if he’s a no-go don’t blame me for starting him in fantasy. (hamstrings are a such dicey thing with wideouts) Winston gets the start and I miss Giraffe already.
Cin at Oak: This one is for all the chili that you can pour over Ramen noodles. Hey, we’re on a budget! The dangerous (to himself) Dalton has quality help in Green and Hill and he’ll need it because it looks like Khalil Mack is the second coming of [insert name of your favourite defensive player here]. Cincy has never won in Oakland-they’re 0-9.
Bal at Den: This here is the feature game for the 4:25(?) slot. E.S.T. RULES! Apparently the Broncs are dialing it back on O because Peyton can’t feel his fingers or somesuch. I don’t get what the big deal is, I hardly have any feelings at all and I’m fine. Although CJ is a fine back the Ravens are always quite stuffy on D so we’ll see where that goes. Smith, Sr., just get this year over with so that you can get into the booth and be the most interesting talking head since David Byrne.
NO vs Ari: Carson is back! Fans are hoping that last year’s surprising-est team (9 games in) that flew under most folks radar is back and that the window to glory is still open. On paper that seems to be the case. On the other side, Brees has to adjust to the loss of Graham, an aging Colston and the addition of Spiller. Regarding Spiller, and I never get tired of saying this, “He can’t run between the tackles!”. I think Brees will manage just fine with these new variables. If his arm was chewing gum I’d say that there’s still some flavour left. Not sure about that D though…
Breesception!!
No pants ordering drink.
http://36.media.tumblr.com/da53f81b39458a9ef5a6298553b8970b/tumblr_mtsz7z5Naw1r49faro1_500.jpg
But is it a #BudLight?
Hi, I’m out-of-control-beard Andrew Luck.
And I’m out-of-control beered make it snow.
McManus? I hardly know us!
No, seriously, I hardly recognize the Broncos team I root for.
Fuck Tom Brady right in the skull hole I hope someone drills into him.
“I’ll do it.”
-Aaron Rodgers
RBs need to work on the rhythm for the RVD taunt
I remember when I first saw Terrell Suggs back in 1999.
http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110904101702/residentevil/images/6/6e/Resident_Evil_3_-_Nemesis_I.jpg
As I recall he was beating women even then.
STARZZZZZZZZ
I’ve bleached that moment from my memory.
I like the Cardinals, but I would like them a lot more if they weren’t located in Arizona.
They were the easiest team to see live for a while. Has to count for something.
They could go to LA overnight. I wouldn’t care.
I’m their biggest fan, btw.
And TD!
BAZINGHAZI NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH AYKROYD
http://drinksdaily.com/wp-content/uploads//2009/06/crystalhead1.jpg
Seems like a fair question.
Still better than his conehead insurance commercials.
The inspiration for the question!
‘Aints!
:large
“First Red Zone snap for either team”
BOOM, out of the Red Zone.
Well done Broncos.
Cheerleader outfit, no pants.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/012b1138c13fa438aa69478ab8b23ea1/tumblr_mu0vv39rT21qd6umno1_1280.jpg
Is that an old pic of Drew Barrymoore?
Nope.
If she has Jameson in that can, I’ve found my wife.
Who the fuck is announcing ARI/NO?
“Oh hey, this fucking guy has 4 penalties today and actually committed another one on that play — but it didn’t get called so he ‘made the play’ and you gotta applaud that!”
These guys should fucking be keynote speakers at any Wall Street convention.
The Mother of Dragons is hurt 🙁
Back in!
It’s official, Peyton Manning has now said ‘Omaha’ more times than the guy in charge office making a Hammond Atlas.
Peyton for Omaha chamber of commerce chairperson!
He isn’t already?
They have NFL Virtual Reality, oh boy i’ve always wondered what a day in the life of Joe Flacco would be like.
You’re getting 8 hours of sleep, that’s for sure!
I would like to be Cutler for a day, because I feel my life is burdened with an over abundance of give-a-shit.
Room temperature skim milk as far as the eye can see.
“Time obviously a factor.”
Thank you, any announcer outside golf/baseball/tennis.
How does getting hit in the dick compare with, say, an acute ear infection?
I’ll lend you my Dick… for scientific purposes only.
Not comparable.
Ear infections aren’t usually so debilitating, but they also don’t go away as easily.
It’s not really the dick that hurts as much as the balls. Same for ear infections.
I for one welcome our new boring-ass Broncos.
Man, if our QB was still alive, this team would be pretty awesome.
T sizzle with an ouchie.
How does that taste?
/it tastes delicious coming from an Iggles fan
Note to self, go with instincts next time. 2 people on the bench out fantasying Gore, who I knew I should have sat.
Fiddys dick okay
HUZZAH!!
Suggs is hurt? Just tell him to rub some bleach on it.
Sensodyne
If you draw a line across the rest of the globe between the two tackles C.J. Spiller still can’t run between them so that is a very accurate observation.
I am drunk.
Going to be an interesting day in the office tomorrow (I.E hell!)
Simms is even less interested in skydiving than he is in advanced stats, guys.
Fitty hurt his dick, yo.
That is why he wears 11.
Inches.
With these “friends who come together” ads I have to figure Michelob is making a play for the orgy crowd.
Beerkakke
Swingers drink too, bro.
Probably not Michelob, but…
“Probably not Michelob, but…”
“Yet” Michelob ad exec.
The shirt Sean Payton is wearing looks like it was bought on a chinese website that makes really bad fakes.
I can’t think of anything less fun than drinking Michelob Light, or anyone less fun than runners.
Drinking Bud Light with people who weren’t #upforwhatever?
That makes no sense. If you drink Bud Light, you’re always #upforwhatever. How can one not be #upforwhatever while you’re drinking #BudLight with them? #BecauseFootball #Brands.
You know who loves runners?
Just a handful of other runners.
I wanted to share a new culinary experience with the family here. So I grilled some brats today and I mentioned earlier that bro 3 brought the Popeyes to the party. Since we had plenty of biscuits we experimented and made…a Brat Biscuit.
It was delicious. Add a little mustard, I think honey mustard would have rocked the balls here and you have a good brat delivery vessel. Most of the buns we get out here are pure white flour bullshit so the biscuit definitely added some much needed life to the party.
I would fuck with that again.
Biscuits make everything better.
Add gravy to guild the lily
That’s what I said!
You could even make it a Sunday Gravy.
Fitz dives over defender to avoid the ball hit.
“I would fuck with that again.”
-Pam Anderson looking back on her marriage with Tommy Lee
Spanos family is on the sidelines in SD berating Rivers, “we can’t move to LA if you WIN you football-floating god fairy! Now get out there and throw me some INTERCEPTIONS!!”
Flacco, chomping at the bit to get the ball back in his hands and get a chance to….
GUYS!!! Somebody wake up Joe!!!!
Minority Report will be a good show.
That’s just me showing am I not one of those guys who can see the future.
This guy Megatron, I like to call him Manti T’eo’s girlfriend, because he has been nonexistent all day.
Bottles poppin, pants off, bra off, 7+ minutes left. All is well.
Go on…
Who else is watching PBS instead?
Or just hanging out poolside?
http://40.media.tumblr.com/32e101ed348c35200a070acf4e9bf860/tumblr_nt7s95o3Me1uq3x5lo1_1280.jpg
There was briefly a wildlife special about rhinos on instead of the game. I speculated the rhino would make a good RB.
No shit I was watching ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ earlier on the PBS.
HEY THE CARDINALS STOPPED A SCREEN
Breeze didn’t let it develop long enough.
My son doesn’t like the way I make steaks. I just. I don’t. It’s not…
/???
Do you boil them?
Who paid for them?
Time to get a new son.
It’s a kid, so I’m assuming it’s a “no pink whatsoever” request.
Have you tried it with ketchup?
Sounds like you got yourself a daughter.
“no pink whatsoever”
He’s not that old yet.
I think that’s actually the least drunk I’ve gotten at the [*Redacted] s bar, though getting home was still an adventure. Just an adventure that involved hot dogs this time.
Also I’ve got a kick ass new [*Redacted] s fortified plastic cup!
Probably the only thing about the [*Redacted] s that’s fortified this year.
Eh, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected. The O-line might be half way competent for half the game or so.
The reservation by me isn’t allowed to have a bar.
Wish I owned the drive thru liquor store just off-rez though…
http://pbfcomics.com/archive_b/PBF084-No_Survivors.gif
So are they turning Peter Pan into the Star Wars story now?
They’re looking for their next movie franchise…the Panverse! WOO!
/kills self
Starring a billionaire white girl as an Indian.
Totally a Tiger Lily. Jesus Fucking Christ on a stick.
Wifebeater, no pants.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/2c596525e37ffa2239e1b41a31b4cc3c/tumblr_muscv4XGC81qd6umno1_1280.jpg
Cardinals give up about 50 on the screen.
Again.
Peyton manning won’t make a 97-yard drive this entire season, combined. I’m thinking a healthy 40-yard arena league drive is his speed right now.
Say what you will about the offenses, but there has been some QUALITY PUNTING in teh Mile High today.
Is it ELITE punting?
NOUS SOMMES TOUS LES CHEVEAUX
Haha…Von Miller looked like my cat when I fake throw the toy.
Flaccocentricities are awesomeness.
Keenan Allen is pretty good at this football thing.