Did everybody enjoy all the shitty blowouts yesterday? That’s not even counting those of you who encountered “day after” gastrointestinal distress ,, smgdh. Fortunately, this weekend shall never run out of teh footy, and the law of averages says SOME of it eventually has to be watchable…right?
Aresnal opens the new year atop the table, on goal differential ahead of Foxy Footy. Arsenal gets the horrid Barcodes Saturday morning (10:00 EST, NBCSN), whilst Leicester takes on the slightly less shitty Bournemouth at the same time (but on Extra Time). Manure and Swans get the 10:00 USA slot.
If you’re up super early like me, be sure to take a look-see at 8th place West Ham and 7th place Liverpool (7:45, NBCSN), separated by only a point in the standings. I’m really bummed about the Shite’s form as compared to that of my beloved Blues, and this is the type of fixture they simply must lose with regularity for my peace of mind. 9th place Watford and 3rd place City make for a nice NBC afternoon match (12:30) to round out your Saturday slate.
Sunday, NBCSN brings you two very good matchups, fitting appetizers for your MANDATORY all day Week 17 NFL binge viewing. Chelski has played much better without overgrown 5-year old Jose Mourinho in charge, and they face 5th place Crystal Palace at 8:30. Reeling 11th place (feels even lower) Everton takes on a Spurs side (4th in the table, but with the BEST overall goal differential in the Prem) at 11:00 that really, truly has the potential to embarrass them silly and possibly get Roberto Martinez the sack. Which would make me very sad, as I completely bought into his vision for Everton, and I believe the consequences to his departure (goodbye Lukaku, Deulofeu, all notions of being an attacking, progressive club) would be quite dire indeed. But results like Monday against FUCKING STOKE of all teams just aren’t acceptable, and they are happening with too much regularity. I’m afraid the clock is ticking.
Thus I am posting Kruger the Evertonian cat mojo picture again. Let’s hope it works better in 2016!
God help me, it feels like I have PTSD from these shit games, but here are today’s JV exhibitions…
Gator Bowl – Team Bad Touch vs. Georgia (Noon, ESPN)
Fuck you, I remember what this game was called, pre-corporatization. And fuck you, Team Bad Touch, you deserve to be shamed forever. Your program should have been burned to the ground, and the earth salted. I hope Georgia (in spite of their UVA reject QB – psssst, Mark Richt, starting a UVA reject at QB is a good way to get fired, keep that in mind at your new jobby job) beats the everloving monkeyfuck out of those Pennsyltucky Douchebros. Oh, and God help whatever NFL team drafts that Hackenburg stiff as their “franchise” QB. He absolutely, positively, sucks out loud. ALWAYS HAS. So…I guess we’re all looking at you, Factory. Make it so.
Liberty Bowl – Kansas State vs. Arkansas (3:20, ESPN)
Pig Sooey is a fucking weird team. Sometimes they look awful, sometimes they look like a Top 5/10 team. This year, it wasn’t even a straight line calendar thing, they mixed it up just to fuck with everybody. The Fightin’ Undead Bill Snyders are what they are, wave after wave of coached up two star recruits that scratch and claw like they’re on PCP. You definitely know you’ve been in a legit, tackle football game after playing these mofos. Hopefully, the field will be muddy as fuck, and this will be one giant rugby scrum.
Alamo Bowl – TCU vs. Oregon (6:45, ESPN)
They should just rename this the “Boykin hot taek” Bowl ,, smgdh. Yes, I realize I’ve used this device twice in the same post. Fuck you, I’m having to write too goddamned many of these, and I’m just a simple Cow College graduate, FFS. I also want to know why ESPN alloted 3:20 between games 1 and 2, but 3:25 between games 2 and 3. If you didn’t notice that, I’m not sure we can be imaginary friends. Certainly not imaginary besties. This matchup looks really awesome on paper, so it will almost surely be dull as dishwater.
Motel 6 Cactus Bowl – Arizona State vs. West By God Virginia (10:15, ESPN)
It’s fucking awesome that the motel chain to which you’d be embarrased to take your craigslist courtesan is sponsoring a bowl game. Thusly, they are the only sponsor that teh Hippo shall list by name! Congratulations, Tom Bodette, keep leaving the light on so the roaches stay out of sight!! I’m sure WCS will be mighty entertaining for all you fine insomniacs and methheads who stay up late to watch with him. Also note the gap went up ANOTHER 5 minutes, and now they are totally just fucking with me. /shakes fist at moon
Day two of sobriety. At grocery store…
An old lady keeps taking stuff out of my cart. I keep asking her not to do it. I finally give up and go around the store with her, pushing both our carts, and carefully re-separating our shit as every time I turn around, she starts taking my shit again.
Back around the dairy products, I keep trying to get through her thick fucking skull that I have buttermilk and she needs to tell me what SHE wants…don’t just take it from my cart.
This goes on for about 20 minutes. I finally lose it a bit and raise my voice…
“DAMN IT LADY…JUST LISTEN TO ME!”
Suddenly I hear “Hey what the hell are you doing yelling at my mom!!!” Dumbfounded, I just stare as this dude cusses me out and threatens to be me up and then call the cops. I’ve literally wasted like 45 minutes with this woman, trying to help her out because now that I am sober…I suddenly have a fucking conscience…and its dicking me over.
I NEVER HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT FUCKED UP!
I have never dealt with anything approaching this in any store ever; holy shit.
I have. Crazy people love me for some reason.
I’m not joking about this. If there is an insane person (level of insanity matters not) anywhere in a public place, they will seek me out.
And to be honest, being patient with them is rewarding most of the time. Especially if you’re with a girl you’re trying to impress. I discovered this quite accidentally, but have never forgotten the very important less.
Now I feel dirty for admitting that. But it is true nonetheless.
^ Having said all that…
When the son came back in and started giving you shit, it is my opinion that you’d have been within your rights to brain the negligent fucker.
Honest to god, I did not start processing the situation until I was back in my apartment unloading my groceries. It was so fucking surreal. I didn’t even say anything. Just handed him the purse and walked to the checkout.
Yeah I used to do pets on wheels for a local retirement home as a kid. I thought it was pretty rewarding. I was doing it again when I got my shit together just as I was going into the military.
I must give off the ‘don’t fuck with me’ vibe.
I have been asked to get things off the top shelves by short women, but that is not even in this timezone.
About four times in the last few years I’ve had weird conversations in parking lots with older guys about tires and mileage…. that is no problem however.
I was not prepared for someone to be there with her. Once we were done shopping, I was going to figure out if she took the bus to get there or if there was a retirement home bus waiting. If the later, I was going to chew out the retirement home people for letting her wonder around confused. If she took the bus, I was going to try and give her a ride, but I was kind of dreading it because I didn’t think I could get an address out of her. Although she had already gave me her purse so I was assuming she had an ID on her.
The women clearly had early stage Alzheimer or something along those lines.
“beat” me up…not be me up.
I seriously have no fucking clue where this guy came from other than maybe he just sits in his car and lets his mom, who clearly was not all there, do the shopping for the both of them.
well shit
I just cannot listen to Bobby Cremins do color.
ah crap
http://49.media.tumblr.com/cc3dd9535f8846d000d67567dd0f17f5/tumblr_nzpmr9Pegm1rsbo1mo1_1280.gif
Flashbacks to the day after Christmas when the whole family was in the house.
It just makes it worse since I am very protective of my cooking and camping cutlery.
Not exactly sure why I laughed at this because it is a product of 50s and 60s maarieges, but damn.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/29f7c63c267c09f516315b701fc052d8/tumblr_nsonl7sUNO1qzfebyo1_1280.jpg
I laughed too. Even before I noticed her expression.
Jack Eichel might be The Truth.
http://49.media.tumblr.com/1380c794134a59c56f5af3b8192d4f0d/tumblr_ncpoxguglj1sw7v0eo1_400.gif
Jesus.
Gotta deal with Team Bad Touch (Non–consanguineous Division) AND Team Bad Touch (Consanguineous Division) today?
Go Proper Sexual Mores!
I like the new series “The Timeline”, but having the 1st episode be about Favre was a terrible misstep.
The New Jersey one was indeed better. Still have the Hostage Crisis one in the dvr. Needless to say…skipped Favrenis
The fantasy ending is different.
Shall we begin the denouement of a productive morning/early afternoon with the touching of liquor to lips and near constant wailing as Cuse takes on Miami? Yes, yes we shall.
Way ahead of you, with the bonus that NCSU hasn’t looked like total dogshit yet in Blacksburg.
Oh, shit….there it is.
I’m sure you will make the right choice.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/43c43548fb13d000510af556d1842438/tumblr_nvrd08Zgk01r2qum2o1_1280.jpg
Cheers, mates!
http://41.media.tumblr.com/75e59a5a086007c9f5744bd5a80598f7/tumblr_nwsq15Rhms1u6f7sko1_400.jpg
Somebody better card that girl.
And if she turns out to be legal, send her to my house.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/dc745c0bb087d1df4a3da4d524f57497/tumblr_nqeud8UNQa1ric2iqo1_1280.jpg
http://36.media.tumblr.com/ecdd7d3510f8eba57f6c41117ca52a3c/tumblr_npsf2mCQEw1rf1yd3o1_1280.jpg
Good news Jest fans. Mike McCagnan is at the Gator Bowl. I present your next QB Christian Hackenberg.
Well, still beats Geno.
“Well, still beats Geno.”
IK Enemkpali’s headstone
Seriously, kids. I hope you get the chance to see Cat Barber play teh basketball against your team at some point this season. He’s always been GOOD, but he’s transitioned to amazeballs. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have much in the way of help this season…
If nothing else, they can see him play in March Madness….
Oh, wait.
Cat Barber sounds like a very dangerous occupation.
speaking of which, Kruger left my recliner. He’s following the sunbeam across the living room. Damned winter.
First name Freddy?
No! Middle name Adams, after the 2nd President. Named after the national park in South Africa. There’s an “e” in Freddy’s surname.
My bad spelling of movies I don’t particularly like.
You successfully killed teh joke, so good on you.
He’s a crazy cat lady at heart. Cut him some slack.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/d639869c95688b68206af51482b8fd2b/tumblr_nvswupulqW1qd6higo1_1280.png
http://40.media.tumblr.com/6e18f4a5bb0e78a4207067de736f22d0/tumblr_nwnwnjoJEd1slipiho1_540.jpg
wow, dead ringer
He’s just sleeping…..
http://i.imgur.com/9s31eLw.gif
Yes, I’ve had some cats that were attention sluts, but in general……
Having had some experience with the feline population in general, your point is well taken, Sir.
Just don’t look at the score too closely…
Motel 6 Cactus Bowl???
“I returned to the Holiday Inn — where they have a swimming pool and air-conditioned rooms — to consider the paradox of a nation that has given so much to those who preach the glories of rugged individualism from the security of countless corporate sinecures, and so little to that diminishing band of yesterday’s refugees who still practice it, day by day, in a tough, rootless and sometimes witless style that most of us have long since been weaned away from.”
— Hunter S. Thompson, Gonzo Papers, Vol. 1: The Great Shark Hunt: Strange Tales from a Strange Time (1979)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OieTZ2iSFq0
http://49.media.tumblr.com/bed5a83e863801bcd6d5518b329d0060/tumblr_nzqfb72E0j1u0rb9to1_500.gif
Well, Arkansas just landed the #4 RB recruit in the country. Hopefully that’s the beginning of a great day for my Hogs.
Just because Peyton Hillis changed his name and put on blackface doesn’t mean he has any eligibility left.
well, Blackrose – there’s your FF name next season. Blackface Peyton Hillis!
Haha, that is a pretty damn good name. I might have to run with that.
I’ll bet you’ll run farther with it than Hillis will.
I am not a City supporter (Fulham til I die smh) but that was surely a penalty in the box.
“Sandusky, 71, collected a $148,000 lump sum payment upon retirement in 1999 and began receiving monthly payments of $4,900.”
I’m in the wrong fucking business…
His “fucking business” is waaay different now.
that WILL buy lots of prison Ramen for his new age-appropriate BAE
I know this isn’t evidence of any kind, but makes hmmm. The thing that always made me suspect Paterno knew a hell of a lot more and earlier than he let on was the fact that Sandusky, his DC for 20 years and heir apparent retired at 55 and I never heard discussed for any job. TBT was known for 20 years for defense, was the DC, there is no way his name doesn’t get floated for some job in the next decade, without some heavy duty rumors or whispers.
Evidence, no. But as theories go, seems pretty sound.
I also think that Sandusky, while he’s probably even worse than we know, was made into the fall guy/scapegoat for Paterno and the admin that was there for the incidents he was tried for.
I also think, especially after he was dead, the new Penn St admin tried to put as much blame on Paterno as possible and tried to shield their former Admin colleagues as much as possible, at least in the public eye.
So did anyone hear about the enforcer for the Coyotes who’s a captain for the NHL All-Star Whatever-The-Shit-They’re-Doing-Now? I mean, I know no one cares about the NHL All-Star Game, but it’s still pretty cool.
I own not one, but TWO Coyotes jerseys. But it’s the funky ones from when they first arrived in the Valley. Never made the purchase when they got rid of that godawful design and went to the puppy dog head. Still pull for ’em even though I don’t live there anymore.
http://thumbs1.ebaystatic.com/d/l225/m/mmb8chSc3tQxJCDTv-S6ESA.jpg
I still think they should have gone with this coyote.
http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/simpsons/images/6/6a/Space_Coyote.gif/revision/latest?cb=20071209012047
Is he still in the AHL?
Watford goes up 1-nil on Citeh! Corner kick own goal LMAO
GT still up (technically…again) late in the 2nd…but only by 2 now.
Well shit…that kinda went south fast.
http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s159/jbennett98/dont_drop_the_soap_Jerry.gif
http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Ped_221c27_3937326.jpg
Lemme guess…Barca ended up winning 2 or 3-nil, yes?
Yeah, probab–wait, scoreless draw? Are they sure?
Probably cut their lead in the table down to what, 16 or 17 points?
Happy belated New Year, dick joke enthusiasts.
Too late, try again Jewish New Year ,, smg-dh…
Yeah, the weed didn’t mesh with the alcohol well on NYE. And neither went well with my envy due to lady friend I’m interested going to something with some guy she doesn’t particularly like. Fortunately for that green-eyed monster she said it was kind of a meh time, so hooray for the part of me that’s an asshole!
well, at least you know the Jets won’t possibly let you down tomorrow!
Every time I watch New Jack City, I’m always astonished by how terrible Ice-T is. That guy is the Nick Foles of acting.
Wait…why just use New Jack City as a reference?
http://40.media.tumblr.com/28cf07e226d0e5c81a4a227ac99e04fc/tumblr_nqbjenCy6Z1s71q1zo1_r1_1280.png
He is fucking terrible in EVERYTHING…
He manages to make Judd Nelson and Mario Van Peebles look good AND WHY THE HELL DO I KNOW THE CAST OF NEW JACK CITY???????
Looks too legible to be a signature. And it looks like there are two different colors of ink. I smell something, and it doesn’t smell good.
http://i46.tinypic.com/309mwpz.jpg
Jawja/TBT is so terribad I have moved to Watford/City and the FS1 Big East marathon.
GT is up on Caroliina by 8 in Chapel Hill and Roy’s head appears close to the ‘splodey point. That’s always fun.
if I turn to that game, I will fuck it up. NO WAY.
It’s funny, I’m afraid to turn it off and go to the dump for the same reason. But if I’m gonna make our gametime I better get my ass moving.
Does it make me a simpleton that just seeing a picture of Kruger (KH’s cat) makes me happy? Like, a genuine, “Aww! Yay!” sort of smile. I mean, I’m pretty sure that reflex is a marker of being a touch slow.
He stole my recliner when I went to Publix. WAY too cute to move. 😀
One of our cats tried to bring a dead dove into the house last night.
fresh organic protein!
There’s an 8 year old kid cheering for Penn State in the Taxslayer Bowl. There’s a couple of parents who’ve learned nothing.
3 more years son, you’ll be ready to hit the showers!
It’s not even noon and I’ve already been more productive than I was yesterday! Hooray for me!
I left the house to buy fish and juicing supplies. Does that count? About as productive as I get, unless I have a cough with infection.
I’m getting ready to haul a bunch of shit to the dump, then hit the booze store, then come back home and open said booze, then….Well….probably try to annoy you fucktards as much as possible until I pass out.
Does any of that count as productive?
God yes. I’ve been putting off the dump visit for like 3 years. One of my two storage rooms is downright terrifying.
Hoarders likes this +1
I went climbing for 12 hours yesterday in Joshua Tree and now I am too tired to get out of bed. Does that count as productive? Woo! New year, new reasons to rationalize not getting out of pajamas.
I am too old to even bother rationalizing anymore.
RECLUSE WOO!!!!!
I’ve got a dump trip planned, (cold seems to be fading, possibly because oldest child now has it), and have actually filled the garbage can with bleach and detergent ti get that mold that forms at the bottom.
I feel like I deserve a medal for this.
So does the Premier League have a play-off between the top 2 or more teams or is it just whoever has the most points or better tiebreakers at the end of the regular season?
Most points, then Goal Differential is used. Not sure what comes after.
Fight in the tunnel between firms.
whichever blokes die less get the cup.
most goals scored
after most goals scored, I believe there’s a dance competition
Think I’m going to use this extra day as a movie day.
Hello Hateful 8.
The 3:17 run time is a bit daunting but I’ll push through.
That’s definitely a “two piss break” feature.
Yeah at 3+ hours I’ma wait for that to come out on Netflix, 70 mm viewing be damned.
Two piss minimum. They have a bar at my regular theater and you can get your popcorn, nachos and a glass of beer at the concession stand.
Ah, civilization.
Ain’t no paper cup either…I’m talkin’ ’bout a GLASS of beer.
Oh well la-di-dah Your Highness.
Did you know in Paris, you can buy a beer at McDonalds?
oh snap, with beer AND popcorn self-serve I am look at 3 pisses and 1 puke
How many greasy shits?
hopefully that waits until I gets home. I strongly prefer my own TP. Charmin Plus Aloe or GFTO
Enjoy the go.
Arsenal takes the 1-0 lead and the announcer says, repeatedly, “they don’t deserve it”. English announcers are so much better than anyone else.
VERY TRUE re announcer quality. They at least say substantive, provocative shit.
But on the other hand, Barcodes most certainly DO deserve to go down to the Championship. So there’s that.
Both top dogs in nil-nil draws at present. Bournemouth (unfairly) down to 10 men.
Newcastle just got yellow-carded for stalling on a throw in. Methinks they’d be happy with a draw.
Bournemouth definitely playing for a point too. Oddly, Leicester not playing with that much urgency. I think their manager’s weird “we’ll just get to 40 points for safety, then talk about anything else” PR strategy might be backfiring.
Well that head cold that I thought was turning into a stealth hangover has in fact just turned back into a head cold. On the down side I feel like crap and am a whiny baby, even though it’s just a cold.
On the plus side there’s now a perfectly good excuse to stay in these sweats all day and stare mindlessly at the TV.
Go Gunners!
Get ye some Tussionex! Nectar of the Gods!!!
/your friendly neighbourhood quack
Believe it or not, the World Junior Hockey Championship is a big deal up this way. Canada seems a bit over-matched this year though.
A good Happy New Year song (I am listening whilst I make my awesome kale/cucumber/gala apple/zuchinni/lime juice):
Barça 0 Espanyol 0 at the break.
Cow College…FFS…
Williams College joke?
It really feels like Sunday. Total bonus that it’s only Saturday!
Totally does. My internal clock is seven kinds of fucked.
http://i.imgur.com/8tCVAK2.gif
It’s the “Thursday Night Football on Saturday Night” curse come to life!
http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/filmguide/images/9/98/936full-red-dawn-poster.jpeg/revision/latest?cb=20120807211533
‘Red Dawn’ is one of the best 80’s comedies you can find.
There are an unhealthy amount of people here in PA who believe JoePa got a raw deal, and his legacy should be untouched..
I am not one of those people.
It’s fucking shameful.
Bournemouth on the front foot (I would like this phrase carried over to the NFL) early.
Dammit…embed code never works for me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xat1GVnl8-k
Hippo, I hate to make a bad situation worse but….
There is also wolven hoops to be cried over at 2pm.
Fuck dis weekend already.
I am strangely confident, think @ castrated turkeys is perfect opener. Home game would be too much pressure, and the shitty wolves should be confident coming off the Northeastern game (NE is MUCH better than VPI).
Agreed that scheduling wise, this was about the best opener we could hope for.
But 7 straight and 8/9 just cannot dissuade me from the eye test.
Thusly, until the Twins, the Black Hand, Ghost Face Killa and da REALZ Hippo learn to use a blade like the Bad Kitteh, I will allways have a fallback positing of “How will this go terribly wrong today?”
As an aside, our nicknaming is awesome.
*position.
Fuck you autocorrect.
Alamo Bowl is going to suck with Trevone Boykin out.
I got to say…its kind of sad how in Texas they basically target college football players…the cops I mean.
If Boykin was still playing high school ball, we all know the cop would have taken the punch and gotten him back on the field for Friday Night.
and if he was a honky QB, the cop would have apologized for being in the way of his fist
I am very worried that this crazy Prem table will unleash thousands of axe-grinding longforms on the virtue of free market economics, globalisation, foreign capital, and the correct hue of Jürgen Klopp’s teeth.
3 packs a week yellow.
Kruger worked his magic enough to get me a Shite loss, at least. WOO!!!
/still not looking forward to Spurs pulling a Purple Jesus on Everton tomorrow
Go… cousinfuckers?
Between Arkansas, Kansas State, Penn State, and WVU, there are a lot of potential sexual assaults on young family members going on today.
Why limit ourselves only to family members?
-Penn State