CrimeBeat!: Seriously, What the S**t, Joseph Randle?

It’s C-c-c-c-c-c-Combine Week, bitches! So far, no one has gotten arrested or been struck by divine enlightenment in Indy, but it’s early, so *fingers crossed*.

In more conventional bad behavior:

Joseph Randle

CHARGE: What, do I have all day for this?

Ok, so he doesn’t fit quite so comfortably into the “Current Player” category that is usually CrimeBeat!’s bailiwick, but Joseph Randle came into last year as either 1 or 1A to Darren McFadden in Dallas and (at 24 years old) would otherwise be another retread that some team would bring into camp. Therefore, I’m going to treat him as eligible for this column, just like I will when Tim Tebow finally gets busted for making midget snuff films.

For those playing at home, this is Randle’s fifth arrest in less than 18 months, a nearly Pac-Maniacal pace that fails only in that none of the incidents (so far) involve a strip club.

Randle allegedly hit three people with his car after being asked to leave a house party. Two of them were apparently the owners of said house. Not content with attempted vehicular homicide, Randle then returned to the house and busted down the front door, whereupon he was arrested. No word as to what the argument was about, but as this was Wichita, one can be reasonably certain it was terrifyingly neutral.

 

Dante Fowler

CHARGE: Promoting a Foxy Boxing match without a license (Class 2 Misdemeanor in Florida, punishable by up to 60 days in the hole (giggity))

Dante Fucking Fowler, man. Does he do anything other than sit there and observe other people perpetrate violence?

You may remember Fowler from such films as Number 3 Draft Pick Tears His ACL On The First Day Of Rookie Camp and Jags Sign Number 3 Draft Pick To Fully Guaranteed Max Contract Days After He Tears His Goddamned ACL.

The Jaguars’ reigning first-round pick allegedly was with his current girlfriend and the mother of his child in the elevator lobby-ish area of an apartment building. The ladies had “beef” of some persuasion or other. Based on the surveillance video, Fowler appears to give his baby-momma the “go for it”/”be my guest”/”let me show you to your table” wave toward his girlfriend.

Or maybe it’s the other way around.

Anyway, the “Invitee” kicks off her flip-flops and goes Bloodsport on the object of her ire. The video (TMZ, of course) then goes to a series of disconnected still images, showing Fowler standing there and watching the ladies punch, wrestle and hair-pull for an undetermined (but based on the shift in the combatants’ location significant) amount of time before finally intervening.

No criminal charges have been filed, but Shad Khan’s mustache is wanted for questioning in relation to a series of high-profile wax heists.

Rob Gronkowksi

CHARGE: Solicitation, Dance Dance Crimes Against Humanity

The long-feared HantaHerpes Bioreactor known as the Gronk Party Ship allegedly set sail for the Bahamas and returned again last weekend. The guest of “honor” offered a couple in front of his DJ stage $10,000 to fuck in public. As both a concerned citizen and a Patriot-hater, I feel it should be noted that 2/3 of the people on the cruise were not Gronkites.

In addition to attempted reverse-pimping, there were a wide array of more traditional crimes committed, including both Cliche White Dancing and Cliche Douchebro Clothes.

When asked for comment, one anonymous Public Partial Nudity Aficionado called the experience “a wicked good paahhty” but “nuthin’ campayed to the hawsepahty my boys Sully, House-O and Otha Sully ah trowin’ fah Saint Patty’s Day”.

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
Subscribe
Notify of
47 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Sill Bimmons

I hate having to go to a fishwrapper for stupid, racist yinzers to read about my teams:

Should Congress Approve President Obama’s Plan To Close Guantanamo Bay?

Yes–21%

No–66%

Unsure–13%

Source: Pittsburgh Tribune-Review Reader Poll 2/25/16

laserguru

I was hoping for even a slight mention of “Tea Time With Peyton.”

Beerguyrob

comment image

SonOfSpam

Also, we were supposed to read the headline in Archer’s voice, right?

ballsofsteelandfury

I did. I even substituted Lana as his middle name.

Spanky Datass
SonOfSpam

If Fowler didn’t shout “WORLDSTAR” at the beginning of hostilities, I don’t know what to believe any more.

laserguru

Joseph Randle is making a serious run at the “Titus Young Offseason Fuck Up Award.”

jjfozz

Next season, I want that Gronk/NFL is Family commercial to incorporate his Love Boat Tour. Maybe in the background there’s the body of some tramp dressed as mermaid with a spear sticking out of her skull.

entropy

Frankly, I’m disappointed in Gronk. He takes a boat full of people into international waters and all he does is offer a couple ten grand to fuck in front of the DJ? I expected something a little stranger, possibly involving either Thai ladyboys or a few dead Hooker’s.

Unsurprised

If there isn’t a higher risk of being raped and/or murdered on a Gronk cruise than a regular cruise, then really, what’s the point of going at all?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s not really rape if you’ve had enough Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas that the word “no” has been erased from your vocabulary.

entropy

Right? A Gronk Cruise should be the type of event where being boarded by pirates off the Somali coast is considered a tame mid-week morning, and really only makes an impression because everyone has to get up two hours early, and the pirates didn’t bring their own cocaine.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…involving ether, Thai ladyboys, or a few dead hookers.

FTFY

entropy

I kind of assumed the Ether Bunny was an officer of the crew.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Come on, guyth, thath not funny.”

– Mike Mayock

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, you’re thinking of the other Patriots tight end.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Say this fast three times:

Gronk and Gruden ground a ton of tawdry tape.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Gronk and Gruden ground a ton of tawdry tape.
Gronk and Gruden ground a ton of tawdry tape.
Gronk and Gruden tound a gun… DAMMIT!

Sill Bimmons

Hooker’s what?

HOOKER’S WHAT

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dante Fowler’s two ska…errr…ladies, should have never been on the same card. Totes difference weight classes. I thought the little one did pretty good for being, you know….the little one.

Unsurprised

I’m now having visions of a Kumite of NFL side chicks.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
JerBear50

Instead of actually fighting, maybe she and Frank Dux could just have a crazy-off.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Also, you guys realize that St. Patrick’s Day is on the same day as the first day of March Madness, right?

SonOfSpam

Not gonna lie, this info is boner-inducing.

Sill Bimmons

/makes mental note not to change bongwater until 17th March
//O WE GON DRANK

laserguru

That does it. I’m taking the 18th off.
Three day weekend!

WhyEaglesWhy

Aw, shit. This is the first time I realized my parents are visiting during the first and second weekends of the tournament.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Pac-Maniacal” is as brilliant a play on words as a Blane Gabbert pass is a terrible play on the football field.

Enrico Pallazzo

“Since when was it illegal to expertly impersonate Leonard Little?”–my defense if Joey Joe Joe Randle stupidly hired me to be his lawyer

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[grabs microphone]

“Speaking of which, did you guys like my Leon Lett impersonation this season?”

– Melvin Gordon

[fumbles microphone]

blaxabbath

I think it’s bullshit Tim Tebow will get busted for making midget snuff films. They’re consenting adults and it’s just a backwards application of an outdated ordinance that is giving this stupid DA the opportunity to further his family rights political agenda instead of going after the real criminals in society.

Sill Bimmons
BrettFavresColonoscopy

[DFO] turned into the blotter so quickly I barely even noticed.

The Maestro

I mean, we do love to get blotto ’round these parts. It’s not entirely surprising.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[pours one out for Otto]

Sill Bimmons

#TurdWatchSucks #RandPaul2020