So we’ve made it to the first major event of the 2016 NFL season, the first round of the draft is tonight! As we are reminded that coaches, general managers, and meddling owners are the real stars of this league, we will also use this event to be introduced to the latest class of well-dressed athletes who, in as soon as four years even, may be budding stars preparing to be training camp hold outs insisting on new contracts, early retirees, or simply journeymen professionals chasing their athletic dreams.
Remember about a month ago when the draft universe was upside-down? The top two picks, Tennessee and Cleveland, presumably pleased with their quarterback situations (because nothing says “nah, we’re good at QB” like having a top draft pick), were expected to kick off the draft with unsexy upgrades to their non-existent lines. Boltman and Ol’ Double-J would then get some screen time before perpetual top-five picker Jacksonville would bring aboard someone with high upside who won’t make it to the preseason without getting an injury that will land him on the season-ending IR. Also, the P*triot’s didn’t have a first round pick because they had tampered with game balls and got caught. But that didn’t matter because, with Tom Brady for 16 weeks, this team didn’t need a first round pick to get off to a hot start.
Well, now our draft universe is upside-down for other reasons. The Los Angeles Rams of Raider Nation announced that their “philosophy has always been to build through the draft” before sending six of their first seven picks over the next two years to Tennessee in exchange for the right to pick first tonight. Who will they take? Well, RAMIT insiders haven’t decided yet. Not to be outdone — by LA or their previous regime — the Philadelphia Eagles gave up eight picks to earn the right to draft whoever gets rejected by the guys who assembled a 2015 QB depth chart of Nick Foles, Case Keenum, and Sean Mannion. Laremy Tunsil, the projected top pick before Tennessee traded down, is set to lose at least $1.5 million on his rookie contract as a result of these trades. Also, the P*triot’s still don’t have a first round pick because they had tampered with game balls and got caught. Also, they lost Tom Brady for the first four weeks of the season, including their Sunday Night Football home opener where Chris and Al will have to talk about Brady being out because he’s a cheater even though they don’t want to talk about Brady’s history of cheating.
Now, for everyone who submitted on Pick Is In, tonight is also judgement day for you. That’s right, click below to open the official [DFO] Draft Challenge Prediction Board, turn on the television, and get ready to weep.
The Ginger Hammer really knows how to pick his boo shields.
Goodell: “I brought a dying kid. Stop booing.”
Fans: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“How will Paxton Lynch fit in to the Broncos’ offense?”
“Well he’s tall and basically not ready for the NFL, so you’ll never even know Brock Osweiler is gone.”
HOly fuck. Are they not through the first round yet?
Fuck bowties.
That wasn’t directed at the make a wish kid
This clarification caused me to spit beer all over my monitor. Thanks.
AWWWWWWKWARD
I step away from the TV for one goddamn second and this shit happens
I BLAME YOU NOW
TRADING A GODDAMNED THIRD ROUNDER TOO??
Peter King has resumed tweeting after his unfortunate “I smell a shocker here” got him a “bosa deez nutz” reply from our own makeitsnow, after which he mercifully shut up for a couple of hours.
But he’s back at it, so go get him Snow.
I’m surprised y’all haven’t broken the site yet.
We tried. If I had been tried harder and spammed pics it might have broke. I put the blame on the site still working on me
You and Moose. Y’all have been on your best/worst behavior. I guess is depends on how you look at it.
Oh hey. Forgot about all this. Guess I shouldn’t have started marathon watching The Man in the High Castle.
OH SHIT IT’S LYNCH
fuck all the fucks in the goddamned fucking goddamned universe
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GODDAMNIT, DENVER
Hey, the first Cane!
Watch out Abel.
I don’t think I saw any Miami games, so I don’t even know if I should feel indifferent to this pick.
Hey, can’t be as pointless as Cortez Allen, right?
RIGHT?
More like Fartie amirite?
To his friends its Artie, but to you its Mister Burns!
I was saying Booooo-urns!
/Cincy took Jackson III first
What if the Bengals accidentally took William Jackson II? Would the father have to play?
He’s probably not draft eligible.
So is Mike Brown the most parsimonious owner in sports?
Fucking Bengals.
Two to tangle eh Chris?
Lets just ignore Pittsburgh once again getting away with shit other teams would get crucified for
As overrated as Treadwell is, he’s already the SECOND best WR that Teddy’s had in the NFL.
What if Seahox take Henry for BM 2.0? (get it?)
hee hee, BM is always #2!!
“You suffered horrible pain and injury, tell us why injuries are good!”
Horrible interviews all night by her
I don’t know that she comes up with the questions, but yeah, I’ve winced more than once.
Cincy seems like they might fuck Denver out of Nkemdiche.
Doctson! We’ve got Doctson here! See? Nobody cares
Deion Sanders almost told that 3 year old she was going to get a lot of cool shit.
cool shitcocaineJust don’t piss of AP little girl and you’ll be fine.
Woo! OT booze here I come!
Cardinals did a good with Tyriann Mathieu, maybe they can have the patience to rehab Jack’s knee?
[Door flies open]
LAQUOOOOOON!
[Slams door]
Tired of turning track runners into WRs, Vikings decided to get a WR with ZERO speed.
“Hey, what was Treadwell’s 40 time?”
“Lemme put it his way, we used a sundial.”
Shit getting real for the Donks. Myles Jack, the MLB from Roll Damn Tide, AND Nkemdiche are all still on the board. HIPPO LIKEY.
/Broncos trade the pick to Cleveland
NO SMIRE
THERE’S A RUN ON WIDE RECEIVERS, QUICK, GET ONE NOW, OR THERE WILL BE NO MORE WIDE RECEIVERS EVER!!!!!!!
Jets pick didn’t really move me, one way or the other, so I’m glad I spent my time working on this instead:
Wow. Stunning.
Nice!
Thank you.
I’d post my latest photomanip, but it has boobies and I’d get yelled at.
Not by me. But, I am still on the DFO mailing list thigamabob, you want to send it to me.
Here, I’ll try this:
h
ttp://pre14.deviantart.net/c9bd/th/pre/f/2016/109/d/1/where_there_s_smoke____by_zombotronic-d9zj7wl.png
DUDE! That is awesome. I am a fan of both the image and the model.
Thanks! Not my model, but the guy who took the photo does some really great stock photo work.
That’s the most accurate representation of Roger Goodell’s soul I’ve ever seen.
Good Hustle.
Seriously….you got talent.
But I’d like to see Laremy Tunsil buying weed from the Arachnosaur(?) at some point.
Thanks, man! Always nice to get requests… although now that I’ve managed to get myself back INTO the drawing, I’m gonna finish up Moose’s illo, the Rey one I have in pencil over on my tumblr site, and then I may draw Gas Mask Tunsil rampaging through a Frito’s plant, with the Tarantasaurus on a leash behind him.
Woulda taken Doctson over Jack if I was Minny, but NAWT Treadwell.
I need to make a drink, but I can’t look away from this game.
This is why we need robot butlers. Monkey butlers are fine, but not worth the time it takes to train them.
Now’s your chance….run, run, run!!!!!
Offsides seems to no longer be a rule in the NHL.
So I haven’t been following the draft board close after SD fucked shit up.
Did anyone score more than 20 pts?
I think I’m at -5.
YEP! I got 1, 2, and 5 right. Also “first QB” duh. Then fuckall.
I’d have about 40 more points but I mixed up Goff and Wentz because I am a moron.
Who looked more underwhelmed? Doctson or Coleman?
I want to say Yes?
I’m okay with that. I will drink the large measure of Korean medicinal brandy I poured in tentative celebration, rather than consolation with an eye towards forgetfulness.
Why the shit did Redacteds trade down to a team taking a WR when they were also gonna take one??
probably going to take him any way and got an extra pick out of it?
That’s my theory. Or they rated them as equal. I find it hard to believe that they employed strategery to get the trade offer, but I see them benefiting.
maybe they asked who HOU planned to take before they agreed?
Doctson is kinda small. Fast but small.
Zymm…happy?
I’m not. We need defense defense defense…
She should be. Doctson is will be a GODDANGED STAR.
He’s my favourite skill player in the draft by a mile.
“FavoUrite”? SECRET CANADIAN! SECRET CANADIAN IN THE BUILDING!
Check his syrup levels and healthcare!
I started using the extra “u” on my Everton forum to be a good guest, and then decided that I just really liked it with certain words. Same with listing the date like “28 April”
Why do you hate ‘Murica?
That Month First bullshit makes zero sense. Fucking Illuminati.
Pens penalty killing has been stellar in crunch time.
Assholes.
It’s both true and upsetting.
So…sill still gone? No matter the how’s and why’s, etc., it saddens me.
What happened to Sill?
He had one of his angry meltdowns and is taking a sabbatical.
🙁 shit happens I hope he knows we still love him.
we do, just also a little afraid he might murder us in our sleep sometimes.
I like this pick… not because i wrote the preseason and mid season posts on the Texans… but because I called this pick in the draft pool.
Sooooo, see you all for round two?
I want to say yes, but the truth is I will care intermittently, then realize draft picks will ultimately make or break none of our teams, and then flip over to watch hockey while feeling my gastric ulcer proliferate with each passing period.
Day Two is even better than Day One.
I second this. Round two is where the real shit happens.
Mark Davis is willing to contribute $500 million towards a new Las Vegas stadium, because that’s how much he’s saved on haircuts over the years.
Well, he does have a penchant for traveling long distance to spend money on bowl-related things.
Those $500 million come from selling relics of Al Davis’ tracksuits and bones to North Korea.