Your “IT’S HERE IT’S HERE!!!” Training Camp Monday Open Thread

Depending on the team, today marks the opening of training camps for the 2016 season. Here are all teams’ official dates. that’s not dew on your windshield in the morning, that’s tears of joy from the football gods. But before we can benefit from their mercy at the end of this seemingly-forever off-season, we must see what wrath their return hath brought.

NFL News:

[In respect of a comment in Friday’s Open Thread, I will try to remember to underline the embedded links for colour-blind Commentists.]

  • Against all odds, Josh Gordon has been reinstated and will just sit a 4-game suspension. He’ll probably be suspended again soon enough, as watching RGIII throw passes might force him back onto the weed for a coping mechanism.
  • On the topic of the demon weed, there’s a video going around purportedly showing Aldon Smith rolling and smoking a blunt. Just a blunt? I expect more from a team that once employed JaMarcus Russell and Todd Christensen.
  • Anthony Davis has applied for reinstatement from the retirement list, and looks forward to rejoining the 49ers. That statement alone should be enough to force him back into the concussion protocol.
  • Junior Galette has apparently blown out his other Achilles tendon. All that remains now is the euthanization.

    Boss Hogg clearly runs the Browns.
  • The Seahawks have extended GM John Schneider through 2021. Michael Bennett and Kam Chancellor have a few words about that.
  • Teams are afraid of signing Antonio Cromartie because of his hip issues, and that he may have to retire. He says he’s not going anywhere, and has a battery of child support lawyers put out feelers to teams he thinks might need his help.
  • The League says they have no credible proof that Peyton Manning took HGH. Papa John thanks them for their support.

Finally, Big Daddy Drew has started his annual “Why Your Team Sucks” previews. Tennessee gets theirs first. They all promise to be delightful.

I do intend to go back to reviewing Peter King’s MMQB columns in my occasionally titled piece called the “Acela Excreta“, but just couldn’t get to it today. There’s just so much I can stomach. This week involved his training camp previews, and what he thinks each team’s big issue is. Surprisingly, it wasn’t “less fruit at the reporter’s buffet”. It’s here if you want it.


Tonight’s main sport is the start of the Democratic Convention. After the hellfire & brimstone apocalyptic rhetoric of last week, this week promises to be the moment where the rest of America looks at the Democrats and goes, “Hmm…maybe Trump isn’t so bad.”

[FYI – I first typed the word “apocalyptica”, before remembering they are a Finnish cello group that plays Metallica covers. Turning lemons into lemonade, here’s their version of “Enter Sandman”.]

Think I’m wrong? Bernie Sanders got booed by his own supporters when he said – to them, in person – that they should line up behind Hillary because Trump is, like, a million times worse. They told their pope to go stuff himself!

Stuff like that makes foreigners – even this knowledgeable Canadian – shake their head. Trump got all the Republicans to line up behind him like the Book of Revelations said they were supposed to. The Democrats, when they get together, seem intent on trying to prove to others why they actually are a bad choice, despite whatever demagogue is up against them.

I do enjoy how the Democrats turned the email release over the weekend into a delicious Cold War conspiracy of the Russians and Trump working together. This is stuff straight out of a third-world election from the 1980s, expect Ronald Reagan isn’t around anymore to send troops to invade Vermont. If anything else goes wrong, I look forward to the return of Our Man Flint.

Tonight’s actual sports:

  • MLB: Tigers @ Red Sox – 7:00 – ESPN (National game)
  • CFL: Montreal @ Toronto – 7:30 – ESPN2
  • American Ninja Warrior – Indianapolis finals – 8:00 – NBC

I expect spirited debate in the comments. IS RATM PLAYING TONIGHT?

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You may think the stitching is not done right, but I like the dress.

http://67.media.tumblr.com/2f0c99f5fb35e72aa704826a2daff114/tumblr_oamp62xLvN1ric2iqo1_1280.jpg

Gratliff

They should probably work on their symmetry

Porky Prime

It’s positively fearful.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I agree.
I’d like to see ’em both.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Meh, I like the juxtaposition and the variance with movement.

Porky Prime

All these young college girls swept up in love and devotion for an old Jewish guy…are we sure this isn’t a Woody Allen movie?

Duchess

the women are all too old for that.

...

I think we have a double-quote for the banner this week.

SonOfSpam

That’s great hustle.

/slaps Porky on the ass, hard
//gets sued by Magary for copyright infringement

Brick Meathook

Hey folks!

Anything on TV tonight?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well she’s kinda perrty, huh?

blaxabbath

I don’t get the Trump tax returns bit from Hillary supporters. I mean, your candidate won’t release transcripts of a speech in which she very surely cozied up to Wall Street (and it wouldn’t be a surprise to read that she blamed the collapse on borrowers or too much regulation in the speech) but you want to bring up tax returns — something that has never legitimately damaged a presidential candidate?

What are Trump’s returns going to show? That the rich don’t pay taxes? We know this and no one hangs Warren Buffet for utilizing the loopholes (that were written by Hillary’s biggest donors — Wall Street). That Trump evaded taxes? Isn’t that the IRS’s job to audit/prosecute this? That he isn’t as rich as he claims? So what?

I don’t get it — for my two cents, I’d call Trumps taxes and Hillary’s taxes + Clinton Foundation taxes + GS transcripts a wash if I were running her campaign.

...

I think the point was to prove he isn’t as rich as he claims and thus his ever-popular “I can fund my own campaign” claim is a lie and that he’d end up as bought as any serious presidential candidate.

blaxabbath

I guess that makes some amount of sense.

It’d be awesome to find out Hillary controlled way more assets than Trump does though.

...

If it’s liquid assets I’d actually say Hillary has a lot more.

Unsurprised

Bill controls all the powders and the prostitution rackets.

Duchess

Well he only recently forgave the loans he made because the Republican donors wouldn’t give him anything because they were thinking he would just pay himself back with their contributions.

SonOfSpam

Every presidential nominee for the past (some number of) years has released their income taxes. Private speeches have never been held to the same level of scrutiny until Hillary decided to run. It’s kind of an apples and orange-skin asshole thing.

blaxabbath

No other candidate was paid to give speeches to the people responsible for a global economic collapse either. I don’t think it’s unfair to want to know what she said.

...

Eh. What are we expecting? Aside from her saying it was the fault of the consumer for that big meltdown, I can’t imagine there’s anything there that would be anything more than confirmation bias for everyone who already believes she’s been bought.

I mean, look at what most people say in paid speeches? A whole lot of nothing. It’s an easy paycheck where you give the same basic speech to everyone.

Brocky

In honor of the latest sharknado trailer:

http://cdn.fansided.com/gif/Whale_shark.gif

Shogun Marcus

The Bernie loser-refusers are the direct result of the participation trophy generation.

Unsurprised

So it’s their parents’ fault.

Makes sense.

SonOfSpam

Yeah, that’s great and all, now tell us about the new episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Porky Prime

Bring out Michael Richards!

SonOfSpam

Seems like he woulda been more comfortable with the Cleveland crowd last week.

Spanky Datass

Dirt Cowboys with the walk off safety from Adrian Beltre!

Spanky Datass

Woops. At least ‘off’ is spelled right in this one.

Spanky Datass

Dirt Cowboys with the walk of safety from Adrian Beltre!

...

A good friend of mine fell into a state of breathless adoration of Bernie Sanders and, frankly, I don’t get it.

I mean, I see that he just says what he wants and he’s believed the same thing forever, but he isn’t charismatic. He’s isn’t particularly eloquent. He isn’t particularly interesting. Outside of his left wing ideology, he’s basically a bleh guy. How he became the beloved face of this amorphous anti-establishment movement, I’m not sure.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Honestly? I chalk it up to his status as unlikely candidate (similar to Trump’s rise). He’s not saying the same old thing, and he’s less interested in appearance than message. I’ve always liked the guy as a politician, so this national bump has been interesting to see. He was never going to win the nomination, but the fact that his ideas are at least out there now may help shape the (shrinking?) liberal wing of the Dems.

...

The ideology part makes sense, but the massive cult of personality that has emerged baffles me. It’s way past anything rational.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Eh, remember John Anderson? Ross Perot? Someone who steps outside the status quo can get a real following going.

...

Make sense. Perot was oddly charming.

ballsofsteelandfury

Because Larry David

Don T

I saw him in that Univision debate thing not-really distance himself from what he said about Daniel Ortega an the Sandinistas. As a presidential candidate. In a room full of Latinos. Spine still goes a long way, at least for me.

Gratliff

Thank god, I skipped out on Bernie’s speech because FINN BALOR Y’ALL

http://www.ringsidenews.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Finn-Balor.jpg

theeWeeBabySeamus

He looks friendly.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

When you need to paint your abs on…..

Brocky

that’s something I find hilarious, in inteviews he comes across as being absurdly down to earth, incredibly friendly and being everything you expect from a jovial irishman

Sill Bimmons
...

ALL I SEE IS “RIGGED RIGGED RIGGED!”

Unsurprised

Macy’s is run by 300,000 Nazis?

Mr. Ayo

butt plug!

Brocky

no benghazi?

King Hippo

I volunteer!

theeWeeBabySeamus

NO!!!!!
Nipples should be exposed, dammit!!!! Who the hell invented this?????

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Don T

That 20,000 email leak was a poor effort. The Russians are a red herring and there’s no money shot. Very poor storytelling, for my taste.

Duchess

an attempt to lower expectations?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not sure it is a red herring, but they may never find more evidence than they have now….. especially since the FBI is taking a look.

http://67.media.tumblr.com/dc9812e53d29eb4e2583c136e751a94c/tumblr_nuij4jDqU61tr2a1xo4_250.gif

King Hippo

This guy is a complete narcissist.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

and that is different from your average politician how?

Gratliff

I am deeply invested in the political process and I have never liked a candidate so much that I cried for them. Unless I end up a POW in Korea and this motherfucker is feeding my family, nary a tear is getting shed for losing a popularity contest.

...

I know, right? I had a couple of roommates in 2008 that were just ga-ga for Obama and I couldn’t stand it.

Unsurprised

Oh, fuck no. I’m not watching Bernie.

Shogun Marcus

So far all you can do is watch. The zombies won’t let him talk.

Unsurprised

I went to a couple of things for him here. His supporters were the exact kind of liberals I was most glad to be away from when I stopped caring about and being involved in politics.

...

Uncompromising, condescending ideologues for whom perfect is the enemy of good?

Gratliff

Holy shit. I turned it off for 5 minutes and he’s just now saying it’s an honor to be here

King Hippo

Keep feelin’ masturbation…

King Hippo

For the love of God, please be brief and not Ted Cruz.

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Brocky

The only thing I can say is that I legitimately don’t remember heating Laura bush talk once.

I guess my point is that with her borderline anonymity, its hardly surprising that republicans react so negatively to michelle obama (and Hillary Clinton to an extent for that matter)

Am I way out of line here? She’s getting the same nostalgic love that Bush the 2nd is getting, despite being a blip on the radar

Unsurprised

She knew her place.

King Hippo

Good cop (Michelle), bad cop (Warren). Classic!

Next, the mad scientist Larry David interlude!!

Duchess

I picture Bernie as Abe Vigoda in Barney Miller

Sill Bimmons
Don T

wuss

theeWeeBabySeamus

I miss Opus.

Unsurprised

Thursday!? Get the fuck out of here.

https://twitter.com/Gunnar_Thor/status/757569554939797505

Duchess

BTW. Confession time

I bought an audio series from the Trump University stuff… think it was like 100-200 bucks and was then called constantly about getting more and more stuff and I was like. Meh this is the same old shit nothing new here and this now seems like a scam. SO i must be one of the few lucky ones.

herodotus450

Did they even offer you a tour of the killing floor?

King Hippo

just think, you were a dead military spouse away from the convention floor tonight!

/also would have helped if you were black

//and had a vagina

Gratliff

/// ¿Hablas español?

Duchess

They would try and get you to shell out like thousands of dollars for one on one coaching by professors or some shit and they would be available to walk you through and help you make your dreams come true.

Sill Bimmons
King Hippo

oh snap, do I ever love my old Bloom County.

Gratliff

Diminished Matt Jackson is fucked

Unsurprised

Who?

Gratliff

Wrong thread. 🙁

comment image

Duchess

Fun Fact: Michelle Obama is the only first lady for the last 20+ years who isn’t thought of or has actually killed a person.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yet.

Unsurprised

Oh, I’m sure Barbara Bush has a kill sheet. And you know Nancy Reagan asked Sinatra to have people whacked.

Gratliff

So was Michelle Obama good? I was busy watching Sasha Banks and Charlotte Flair attempt to murder themselves putting on a classic.

King Hippo

yeah, so much so my mom texted me and she never likes anybody that much

Duchess

Yup it was classy and a classic one

ballsofsteelandfury

Yeah. I normally don’t give a shit about speeches, but I happened to stumble upon it while changing the channel and I couldn’t turn the channel.

If that’s not good speeching, I don’t know what is.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Spent all night drinking a lot of good beer, including a bunch of duchesse.

Taking shots of old overholt is a terrible idea, but that’s where my friends and I are now….

Unsurprised

Time for Bourble and make it double.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Anybody ever had Goose Island IPA? ‘Sposed to have a citrus-y flair, but I’m not picking it up.

Duchess

Attacks Trump without mentioning him by name? Check
Attacks Bernie or Bust folks? Check
Attacks the young women voters who don’t understand what Hilary has done for them? Check

Michelle Obama is probably one of the best first ladies in modern history.

Unsurprised

I have to give her credit. Hillary has taken twenty-five years of shit for those ungrateful little cunts.

Duchess

It’s not a 100% like if Kanye called Sammy Davis Jr or Louis Armstrong an “Uncle Tom” but it’s in the same ballpark.

Unsurprised

Indeed.

King Hippo

She gets the “Trump is beneath my even speaking his name” down pat, and she does it without breaking a sweat or looking petty.

Again, too bad she hates politics and this is almost surely the last speech she will ever give of this nature. But it was fucking great at least.

/third beer was NICE

King Hippo

“And when Barack and I are off having months and months of tantric sex to make up for the shit his ambition has put me through, I know our country will be safe in the hands of Hillary Clinton. Thank you, and God Bless America!!”

theeWeeBabySeamus

[drops mic]

Gratliff

comment image

BOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Duchess

Ol’ Slick Willie was eye fucking her like crazy.

makeitsnowondem

she’ll save children/but not the arab children

Gratliff

“I think back to my days as a fashion model…”

blaxabbath

Nerve is not a film that I have any interest in seeing.

Unsurprised

Eh …
comment image

makeitsnowondem

Booker was fucking awesome. I’ll probably never vote for him, if/when he opts to run for President, but goddamn if he didn’t make the case against Trump.

Unsurprised

Take it from someone who was robbed of being a delegate to the 2004 DNC: The people who go are a combination of elected officials and party hacks who get automatic bids as super delegates (which is fucking stupid) and elected delegates — the worst fucking people in the world.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So it’s basically the political equivalent of the Super Bowl audience?

Unsurprised

The rich and ignorant.

Unsurprised

My FB timeline is full of photos from the DNC and Philly. And being from New Mexico, but this applies to 45 states at least, let me be clear that the line is basically non-existent. It’s yokels on yokels.

blaxabbath

We got some wine from a winery on our way home a couple weeks ago. St Clair, I think. I recall that it was good at the tasting – haven’t busted into the bottle yet.

#newmexicotrue

Unsurprised

I know that place. Knew a guy who worked in the tasting room. It’s pretty good.

Gruet down south makes good sparking white.

Unsurprised

The vineyard is in southern NM, but they have a place in Albuquerque.

Duchess

Frankly, Michele doesn’t need to speak. They should just play that Carpool Karaoke, because how can anyone not like her? Honestly if we were going to elect a first president why not make it Michele?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Same reason we shouldn’t elect more Bushes, or Clintons (after this one!) – fuck this dynasty shit. Is the American gene pool really so diluted that there’s only like three or four families worth electing?

King Hippo

First GUN SHOW amirite??

Unsurprised

No. There are only three or four families that have weathered or purified their family histories sufficiently to bear the criticism and scrutiny that come with running.

Unsurprised

She will be President one day. Before he became a state senator, SHE was the one people saw with the future in politics.

blaxabbath

But is she black enough?

Unsurprised

Blacker than you, Dude.

blaxabbath

I’m black enough.

Unsurprised

Blacker than you are.

Unsurprised

(I am trying to make a Lebowski joke, but I may be fucking stupid)

King Hippo

Michelle Obama’s should be a nice, simple “fuck all you white people, I’m done with your shit.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nice job by Booker here.

Gratliff

Well, look at Cory Booker taking his shot

King Hippo

How many queludes you reckon have been jammed up BillyBob’s rectal orafice tonight? And I would LOVE to have heard the threats HillyBob made to make sure he opened wide and thought warm thoughts.

blaxabbath

Booker was on Hillary’s VP short list? I guess when you’re financed by predatory lenders, it makes sense to fight them with a running mate who is a super predator.

Unsurprised

That’s funny as Hell.