Fuck it, I am lazy and depressive by nature. My Lesser Footy sides have ass kickings coming their way, too.

We get a rare 5/5 Saturday/Sunday split with the EPL coverage, and no Saturday early game. WEIRD. Be warned, another hideous international break is on the horizon. You get 4 wretched games in the 11am window before we “fall back” overnight and synch times up with the Brits again, with City hosting Middlesbrough getting the NBCSN slot.

Chelski host Everton at 1:30 on big NBC, with the home side (in 4th place, but only 1 point behind top position City) without question playing the best footy in the League. The 6th position Toffees have been surprisingly stingy defensively under new boss Ronald Koeman, and will need to be in top form to get anything from this one. Worth skipping JV NFL? For me, yes.

Use that extra hour wisely and get up for Spurs/Arsenal (7:00, NBCSN). Arsenal are still in the first place 3-way, but visiting Spurs can catch them with a win. And they are the kind of side set up to give Wenger fits. It will be a fascinating watch, likely the match of the weekend.

Shite/Watford (NBCSN) and Hull/Soton (Extra Time) split the 9:15 window. Watford are a surprising 7th, and could complicate the home side’s plans to maintain pace with City at the top of the heap. Hull are in rapid free fall after their fast start.

Karma continues to be a bitch for Jose Mourinho and Manure, as they travel to Swansea (10:00, CNBC). One wonders if this is a “win or get the sack” fixture for the “not-so-special-anymore-are-you-fuckface” one.

We wrap things up with the wet fart that is Leicester hosting West Brom (11:30, NBCSN). It’s ok, they know us Yanks all have fantasy lineups to fuck up.

Onward to JV festivities…

Wisconsin at Northwestern (Noon, ABC)

We should highlight at least one Mildcats game this season, right? Well, here you go. Perhaps they will beat Wiscy. Likely not. I hope everyone brings sunscreen.

Texas at Texas Tech (Noon, FS1)

The Longhorns’ fixture was more wild and wooly than GUNS UP!’s last week. The fuck’s up with that, guys? Fuck it, I told you I was watching Everton anyway.

Oklahoma State at Kansas State (3:30, ABC/ESPN2)

I swear to fuck, these two teams have the same ballpark records/kinds of team every single fucking season (at least since Undead Bill Snyder returned from the grave). It’s like Groundhog Day, hopeless Midwestern shit-ass town Lesser Footy Special Edition.

Arizona at Washington State (4:00, Big 12)

It’s about time our spunky little pipe bomb assemblers from Eastern WA got into the Top 25! And they get a cushy home matchup as reward! SEXY TIME!!

Florida State at NC State (7:00, ESPNU)

Oh, just fuck EVERYTHING. At least I only have to watch about an hour of this shit before the main event of the day starts up and I quit paying attention. Hey, at least maybe our coach will get fired! That’s always totes fun!!

Alabama at LSU (8:00, CBS)

At first, I was like “Why is the 3:30 CBS game so shitty?” and then I was like “Why aren’t any of the other matchups really much better?” then I get to 8:00 and I’m like “ohhhhhh, righhhhhht.” Will this game be as fun without Les Miles? Probably not. Maybe the mystique will be broken, and Roll Damn Tide will win by 3 scores, as talent would indicate is likely. I still watchin’ to see…

Nebraska at Ohio State (8:00, ABC)

…because this is the alternative. I swear to dear BLEERGH in the sky, nobody can put together Top Ten matchups that I could give less of a tin shit about than the B1G. I’d rather scrub the litterbox.

Washington at Cal (10:30, ESPN)

I hope you think the Huskies are ripe for a trap game, and that Sonny Dykes and crew are capable of springing one, otherwise I’m afraid it’s gonna be an itchy, itchy Saturday night for all you tweakers out there. And with a whole extra hour until daybreak, too. You might really need to give into those voices, I mean WHAT POSSIBLE HARM COULD IT DO??