Your “Which Apocalypse Do I Choose?” Election Night Open Thread

Note: I’m putting this together in bits, because I’ve been (voluntarily) seconded by the Ministry of Education for a couple of days to help them draft policy related to Adult & Alternative Education. Sorry if it’s a bit light and/or ranty.

NFL News:

Now these guys look competent.
Now these guys look competent.
  • It might only be Week 10, but I think we know which officiating crew won’t be working the playoffs this January.
  • Mike Zimmer admitted to trying out kickers on Monday.
    • Blair Walsh might need John Walsh’s help soon if he misses another field goal.
  • Chip Kelly reaffirmed Monday he has no interest in returning to college ball.
    • Meanwhile, at Arkansas, Bobby Petrino pours a nice merlot and reads his reviews…
  • Feeling untouchable again, Drew Brees took direct aim at NFL HQ for the reason behind declining ratings and popularity. Here’s the money quote:

“Listen, we as players want the best for this league. This league has so many great things to offer … and for a long time the fans were really enjoying it. And now it seems like that’s taken a hit. And it really feels like it’s been the culmination of the last few years and the way the business of football is being run in the front office. That’s the concerning part at this point for us.”

 


It’s Election Day! Finally, and thank God. This whole rant is written from the perspective of a Canadian wondering WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Before you start - not this.
Before you start – not this. The Canadian on his right agrees.

About 10 days ago, Horatio made a comment that “Hillary Clinton is the Cleveland Browns of politics. 2 yards from the end zone and she kicks the fucking ball through the back of the end zone.” I’m not wholly convinced of that, because I think her whole campaign has been trying to play prevent defence versus the ’07 Patriots. [Plus, the Weiner emails are just Plaxico shooting himself while wearing sweat pants.]

The level of Republican corruption in this election has been laughable, and on a par with most South Asian dictatorships. Voter suppression drives under the guise of ending voter fraud; limited early registration and advance polling; having to use courts to register eligible voters; political operatives in high positions (i.e. – head of the FBI) using legal technicalities to conduct investigations & sway voters; and, above all, a candidate constantly in second-place arguing his defeat invalidates the whole process, and millions believing him despite those same people saying Gore was a crybaby.

As a non-American, and a History/Poli Sci major, none of what I am watching makes any sense. Why she hasn’t run away with this is clearly a testament to her unlikeability. Sure, thanks to Nixon’s “Southern Strategy” she was never going to win places like Texas and Mississippi. But that she is having trouble in places like Wisconsin, Ohio & Pennslyvania boggle most non-American minds. Even Oregon is going to be tighter than most people probably expect.

I wouldn’t even argue it’s a double standard, because Elizabeth Warren doesn’t carry the same baggage. [BTW, I’m going to need someone, someday, to explain to me what the whole “Pocahontas” deal is between her and Trump.] She’s getting the grief that comes with being in public life for 30+ years, and having a partner that is Bill Clinton. Trump just appears to be Teflon because he’s been called it all before, but he’s Sebastian Shaw – the more you feed him, the stronger he gets.

Ronald Reagan once called the Soviet Union an “evil empire”, whereas Donald Trump talks about “[w]hat’s wrong with having Russia work with us, instead of always fighting, fighting?” People talk about how much America has changed in the last 30 years, and I’d agree. Having grown up in the Reagan era, those Republicans at least had standards – AIDS-denying, war-on-drugs, trickle-down economics standards, but standards. The people who evoke Reagan’s name these days must surely enjoy sharpening their knives on his spinning body.

Our current Prime Minister’s father once said,

“Living next to you is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how friendly and even-tempered is the beast, if I can call it that, one is affected by every twitch and grunt.”

There’s a bunch of trade deals up for negotiation in 2017, and everyone up here is quite nervous about with whom we’ll be negotiating & hoping it’s not the guy who routinely welches on paying his debts. To be fair, it’s also hard working around the fact that the President can sign a deal but the junior Senator from Montana can kill it  because he feels his state gets hurt. (See the Canada – EU CETA deal Wallonia almost killed.)

Exit polls have been rolling in all day. First actual results (I assume) start coming in at 8:00 Eastern, and then it’s a rolling cavalcade until Hawaii finishes democracy off well-past 2:00 AM.

Anyway, all Hail God-Emperor ________, and their Glorious New Regime!

Thanks. It feels good to get that off my chest & outta my head. Please – carry on.

Let’s all spend this evening breaking down the chaos. The Electoral College should be settled by 9:00 Pacific, but some Senate races will go deep into the evening. I’m going to want updates on your state’s craziest Proposition/Amendment, especially the porn one in California.


If you need a suggestion for tonight’s alcohol, I recommend one of the 2017 Whisky Bible “Malts of the Year”, the Koval Four Grain Whisky from Chicago’s Koval Distillery.

Hey Dok – they do tours!

Boy howdy, do we need sports tonight.

Tonight’s sports:

TOO BAD! ELECTION RESULTS OR NOTHING, MOTHERFUCKERS!!

Seriously, all the US national cable sports networks have nothing live scheduled.

  • ESPN is just doing Sportscenter or showing old college basketball
    • some schedules are showing ESPN2 having Western Michigan at Kent State at 7:30 ET, so pray for this
  • FS1 is showing its “Cancel Your Package” package of:
    • TMZ Sports
    • Speak for Yourself With Cowherd and Whitlock
    • Skip and Shannon: Undisputed
  • NBCSN is showing old World Series of Fighting episodes
  • USA has Smackdown!, the only live national event of the night.

There’s regional hockey & hoops action, but nothing we can enjoy together, unless you have NBA TV.

In Canada, even the goddamned NHL is in “regional broadcast only” mode, but at least we get

  • NBA:
    • 7:00 – Hawks vs. Cavs | Sportsnet1
    • 8:00 – Nuggets vs. Grizzlies | TSN
    • 10:30 – Mavericks vs. Lakers | TSN
    • 10:30 – Pelicans vs. Kings | Sportsnet1

Good luck following the results. Please be civil if discussing topics that divide. We are a dick-joke blog, not Stormfront or Jezebel.

In that vein, from me & Nic to all of you:

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Senor Weaselo

The beginning of election chaos!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUOfpIPztKM

LemonJello

Man, this election is getting to everyone. Case in point:
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yes, I am sure Ann Coulter is feeling pretty tense right now.

LemonJello

You glorious bastard! I almost choked on my beer.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Damnit, the early numbers in Florida made me think this would be over by now.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Not gonna lie…I really want to do this to someone. Probably Wolf Blitzer.
http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/634770/83669225.gif

Spur

Charlie Christ is an elected Democrat. What is going on with that state?

nomonkeyfun

That’s the LEAST confusing thing about FL.

Sharkbait

Delaware to Clinton. That’s the difference maker.

Spur

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ThursdaySkyGoddess

I’ve been to Delaware twice; this is accurate.

Brick Meathook

That’s where they make Scrapple!

JustStopDude

So…how big of a party is going on at the Gary Johnson campaign HQ?

https://youtu.be/5iZl5LGornI

nomonkeyfun

They probably have good grass.

Sharkbait

Alright, throwing on NBC News. Sorry liver.

nomonkeyfun

The wolf just said SC and Bama were important eins for the Donald.

Senor Weaselo

I agree, Paaaaaaawl…

Spur

Florida, stop fucking around!

Spur

Wolf Blitzer is reporting this thing like it’s an epic horse race.

JustStopDude

Wow…Clinton is leading Texas…

Spur

Not if my weirdo cousins have something to say about it.

Redshirt

I’m still holding out hope that this election cycle is going to end with me waking up on my aunt’s farm in the 1930s surrounded by my loved ones and my little dog Toto.

WCS

Hoping you fell asleep a field of poppies?

Old School Zero

It is now time for a MOTHERFUCKING BACON SANDWICH GODDAMNIT

WCS

Spur

Can we just nuke Florida?

WCS

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JustStopDude

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ThursdaySkyGoddess

Depending on how this goes, I’ve got a special drink for tonight-

Equal parts:
Drano
Bleach
Lysol
Mr. Clean
Comet Dust Cleanser
Distilled White Vinegar

Garnish with a spritz of Raid and a Brillo pad. It’s called “Under the Kitchen Sink.”

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–4ZrOFYao–/c_fit,f_auto,fl_progressive,q_80,w_320/ejpqmrrjqrlomiswkuq9.jpg

WCS

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blackroseMD1

THIS ELECTION, I CALL IT THE RAMONES BECAUSE I WANNA BE SEDATED AND/OR SNIFF SOME GLUE.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Banner plz

Senor Weaselo

There will be many Hamilton tracks posted tonight, I apologize in advance.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWdBOsk8D7A

Old School Zero

Oh you get hate for it
You get love for it
You get nothing if you
wait for it WAIT FOR IT

ThursdaySkyGoddess

OH GOD YES!!!!!!!

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Spur

Aaaand Clinton takes the lead back in Florida.

Brick Meathook

FLORIDA IS THE FLORIDA IF THE U.S.

Brick Meathook

*OF*

/fucking iPhone

Old School Zero

Guardian currently shows Clinton leading in FL, NC, and OH. Miami-Dade HEAVY for Clinton. If those three go blue, might be an early night.

Spur
LemonJello

Bill O’Reilly? Not just no, but fuck no. Back to MSNBC.

Sharkbait

Yes! My state didn’t go full retard!

Spur

A look back at those we’ll miss…
http://i.imgur.com/g1qS9Cp.gif

Cuntler

Eat shit, orange Grimace.

King Hippo

guh, Rubio still has a job. Dickhole

theeWeeBabySeamus

That doesn’t sound like a fun job. But at least it is one for he’s qualified.

Lothar of the Hill People

Can’t underestimate the stupidity of Floridians. Guy treated the Senate like a part-time job, said he wasn’t going to run for re-election, and then wins over a qualified opponent.

Kungjitsu

Can’t overestimate our stupidity… as in it can’t be done. There are asymptotes involved.

Spur

A look back at those we’ll miss…
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LemonJello

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King Hippo

WCS were right re Pennsyltucky!

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People
Croooow

How many people in Alabama wrote-in Nick Saban?

nomonkeyfun

Trick question. They can’t write.

LemonJello

It’s just understood there that a scrawl of “Roll Damn Tide” is the same as a vote for Coach.

Lothar of the Hill People

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

Mississippi goes to Trump? Why, that’s just…

Oh, right. Not surprising at all.

Spur

Yay, Tammy Duckworth.

nomonkeyfun

Did you know there were Thai soldiers serving under Washington?

Lothar of the Hill People

Depends. You mean Tyrone Washington, who did 4 tours in ‘Nam?

Lothar of the Hill People

She’s gonna suck at the annual Senate 10K race.

Senor Weaselo

Dammit Lester Holt, are you also drunk?

Sharkbait

I would be. Also not watching until Ice Giants are over.

Senor Weaselo

I should be doing that.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nope. Just really, really stupid.

Shogun Marcus

I am getting more entertainment from this than any nfl this year.

Roger Goodell remains, as always and in perpetuity, a goddamn national disgrace.

Sharkbait

“Death, Taxes, and Roger Goodell being a National Disgrace.”

WCS

This is banner quote worthy.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’d love it if they just put them in the ring and last one standing wins.
Sadly, Everlast doesn’t make gloves that small so Trump would never accept the results.

Spur

A look back at those we’ll miss…
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King Hippo

“You think he’d let me be on top sometimes? Nah, probably not….”

nomonkeyfun

I’m still stuck with that fucker for another year.

LemonJello

Welp, off to MSNBC, I think the Fox commentators are already drunk/high.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hillary takes the lead in FLA and NC. What do you think of that, Wolf Blitzer?
I don’t fucking know. I need a nap.

Senor Weaselo

It’s past his bedtime.

Spur
King Hippo

A REMINDER – this guy not only finished med school, he was also quite fucking good at it. Complex surgery and shit.

theeWeeBabySeamus

One of my good friends used to work for him at Johns Hopkins. I’m told he’s amazing in a lot of ways.

Lothar of the Hill People

The phrase “idiot savant” might be apt.

The Maestro

So what you’re saying is that I could be a doctor if I just decided to pick up a book or two, then…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Does this count as nudity? Meh, screw it.
http://www.drodd.com/images8/funny-gif/funny-gif7.gif

Shogun Marcus

What in the fuck is Strahan doing on political teevee?!

King Hippo

lisping??

Spur

A look back at those we’ll miss…
http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/rubio1.gif

Lothar of the Hill People

Don’t blame me; I voted for Kodos.

Senor Weaselo

Hey, I made that joke on Friday.

Sharkbait

Simpsons did it!

entropy

I’m going to the bar as it’s a friend’s birthday and all she wants is to be surrounded by friends when Hillary wins, or to have an army of people to be drunk with if she loses.

I’m good either way.

theeWeeBabySeamus

She gonna dance at people?