Your “Tears Are Something To Hide” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

 

NFL News: two days until the Draft.

  • Adrian Peterson has indeed signed a two-year, $7 million contract with the Saints.
    • it’s effectively one-year, plus incentives, with a team-option for a second.
    • Oh – the Saints open in Minnesota Week-1.
  • No one can blame him: AJ McCarron wants out of Cincinnati.
    • the main problem is that:
      • Mike Brown is a cheap bastard, so wants too much in a trade.
      • due to injuries & time lost, the Bengals are sure to argue McCarron isn’t a free-agent after 2017.
Too bad he only has this to go home to.
  • On the heels of his dilute sample being announced comes word some teams are questioning Jabrill Peppers’ commitment to his team, given that he skipped the Orange Bowl day-of.
    • some mock drafts now have him falling out of the first-round altogether.
  • Taking Peppers’ name off the front page is Ohio State CB Gareon Conley, who is being investigated for rape.
  • Not willing to be one-upped by Mark Davis announcing the Raiders will announce their Saturday picks from the Las Vegas road sign, the Texans will have their Saturday picks announced from the International Space Station.
    • since Houston is home of the Johnson Space Center, you see.

Finally, your long-read of the day is ESPN‘s account of Aaron Rodgers’ terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Draft day.

Something he’s done repeatedly since 2009.

Your non-sports long-read is this – frankly – excellent article at Deadspin about Yakov Smirnoff, the father of the “In Russia, Party finds you!” style of joke.


Canada 150:

April 25, 1959 – The St. Lawrence Seaway is open for business.

The St Lawrence Seaway (Great Lakes Waterway) is the system of locks, canals and channels linking the Great Lakes and the St Lawrence River with the Atlantic Ocean.

The construction of progressively larger canals along the St Lawrence River began as early as 1783. By 1900, a complete network of shallow draft canals allowed uninterrupted navigation from Lake Superior to Montréal. The cost of the navigation project was $470.3 million, of which Canada paid $336.5 million and the U.S. $133.8 million. The waterway, some 3,700 km long from Île d’Anticosti to the head of Lake Superior, permits vessels of up to 225.5 m long, 23.8 m wide and a maximum draft (i.e., the distance between the top of the water and the bottom of the ship) of 8.1 m to sail from Montréal to Duluth, Minnesota, on Lake Superior.

The Seaway is connected by six canals (South Shore, Beauharnois, Wiley-Dondero, Iroquois, Welland and St. Mary’s Falls) and is comprised of 19 locks. All but two of the locks (Snell and Eisenhower located in Messina, N.Y.) are Canadian. The Welland Canal boasts the most locks with eight. It takes the average ship 45 minutes to pass through a lock.

The official opening ceremony took place the following day in St. Lambert, Quebec, with Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Philip, Prime Minister John G. Diefenbaker, and President and Mrs. Dwight D. Eisenhower in attendance.

On average, 44 million tonnes of cargo moves through the system each year, although 2016 was a down year with only 35 million tonnes moved.

Without the Seaway system, we’d never have this song.

On Day 1 of a trade war between Canada & the US, it’s important to remember a time when both countries could work together on issues, rather than simply appealing to nativist sentiments to further personal agendas.

Sources: Library & Archives Canada; Canadian EncyclopediaCBC


Tonight’s sports:

  •  NBA:
    • Thunder at Rockets – 8:00PM | TNT / TSN
    • Jazz at Clippers – 10:30PM | TNT / TSN
  • MLB:
    • Blue Jays at Cardinals – 8:00PM | Sportsnet
  • WWE:
    • SmackDown – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
  • Premier Boxing Champions:
    • Barrios-Lara (super lightweights) – 9:00PM | FS1

Since there’s very little on tonight, please to enjoy the April 1, Season 3 premiere episode of Rick & Morty.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5MjfEMMuLc

BRING BACK THE SAUCE!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Wakezilla

In honour of Asian barbie, my work’s receptionist wearing a short, short mini-skirt to reveal her incredible legs:

http://www.imagesyoulike.com/images/d/32×24/d3910.jpg

Unsurprised

You should claim sexual harassment.

Wakezilla

Clicks on link, see the video: “Mike Nolan didn’t want to take Aaron Rodgers because he was too cocky.”

. . . . .

Because if there’s one thing an NFL QB isn’t, is cocky. LOL at Gruden getting over-ridden by his GM. It would have been funnier had Gruden been coaching the Browns.

Unsurprised

God DAMN

HASBRO REALLY GOING THE EXTRA MILE ON FOREST WHITAKERS EYES pic.twitter.com/wrVQgrxmu3— ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER (@ZODIAC_MF) April 21, 2017

//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I never realized Gollum worked for Obama.
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Unsurprised

LASER CATS!
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

444-4444?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He couldn’t find the number either.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

FUUUUUUUUCK. I have some good ideas but I’m having trouble focusing and willing myself long enough to write them down.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

I believe it is.

The Maestro

Hey folks. Entertain me.

Senor Weaselo

We’ll have a real good time…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGHtz9DKqk8

The Maestro

Natalie Wood was a real classy dame, that’s for sure.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Sup, assdicks?

Brick Meathook

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is it me, or do the names “Le Pen” and “Macron” sound like they would both be good product names for writing implements?

WCS

LePen only comes in white ink.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, that is good.

litre_cola

Well done sir.

Unsurprised

You can secretly use it to suck up black African ink so long as no one is looking.

entropy

Well, Micron Pigma is a damn fine pen manufactured by the Sigma corporation already…

Croooow

Despite getting eliminated early, I think I would still give the MVP to Westbrook. Averaging a triple-double is impressive and without him, I think the Thunder probably would’ve been 8-74.

Wakezilla

Outside of Durant, who else did they lose? This team went to the conference finals and almost beat the Warriors.

entropy

I have been in IT for nearly 20 years, and I have NEVER seen a printer USB cable fail on me…. until tonight. Windows still gives me a “oooo new connection” beep, but the device is not found, device manager shows the USB port as open, and the fuckin printer doesn’t see the PC.

WCS

Something similar happened to my parents about a year ago. I think it was an HP product, which explains a lot.

entropy

Epson printer, but somehow during one of my moves the last year or two, it ended up with an HP USB cable.

entropy

Also: Epson’s “remind me later” option for low ink seems to be set for “Alzheimer’s Patient” recurrence levels; I hit that fucking “remind me later” button and get told literally 45 seconds later that I am low on ink, for each color…. NO SHIT I AM LOW ON INK, WF-7610!! I PRINT ONCE EVERY SIX MONTHS OR SO, A FACT YOUR SO-CALLED “SMART” MACHINE SHOULD KNOW AND REALIZE I GIVE ZERO FUCKS ABOUT INK LEVELS!

Doktor Zymm

It’s true, even a very little bit of lead based paint (or wall candy) is dangerous!

Doktor Zymm

Serious time though, Le Pen can go to hell, Macron all the way, and I will even have some macarons to celebrate even though they are awful

litre_cola

YESSSS!!! Well obviously the far righty is evil. This take is all about underwhelming macarons! So overrated.

King Hippo

or so teh liberal Jew media wuld have yew believe ,, smh

King Hippo

on the last three…TOO SOON AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD

Doktor Zymm

Also. Why the fuck isn’t tsa screening done by computers? Computer vision algorithms could probably catch 80% of guns and bombs and whatnot, while tsa only catches 5% today, and mostly just uses their powers to grope people. Normally I would give a thought to the jobs lots when being replaced by technology, but those dicknoses? NEVER!

Unsurprised

The whole point is as a show to assuage the rubes and to remind everyone else that the state can and will fuck us for fun and profit.

Doktor Zymm

I was at a data science conference at the end of last week, and there were some Canadiens there. One guy, who worked for Air Canada both referenced hockey frequently, but also bribed people with Maple syrup and gave a fantastic talk.

LemonJello

Maple syrup may become the world currency.

litre_cola

Your president today taxed our trees. All ours did was look pretty.

Doktor Zymm

He probably also did crazy yoga moves in weird places and studied tape to give handshake advice to other world leaders. I’m a fan.

Unsurprised

Fuck it, dude. I’m watching The Big Lebowski and figure I should write some of the fiction I agreed to do and then see about this resume for a position with the company I’ve done freelance writing for years with.
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entropy

Who are you writing fiction for? I, for one, would enjoy reading it.

Unsurprised

A tabletop RPG.

Unsurprised

No context
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LemonJello

I think I’d be a drooling idiot (moreso than normal) if she had the great misfortune to meet me.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So you wouldn’t FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY!!?

http://www.yonkis.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/fuckherpussy.jpg

entropy

The color scheme of that dress is very confusing to me. She should probably take it off so I don’t mistakenly put my hand somewhere it really should be.

Unsurprised

I look forward to the inevitable collapse of the global economy because Trump needs a war and the media has a hard-on to help give him one with North Korea.

Doktor Zymm

There was an apt, yet unfortunate political cartoon today that showed a naked trump and a naked kim comparing their missledicks.

LemonJello

So, 100mL of fury split between the two?

Unsurprised

They envy the Favrenis.

LemonJello

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Doktor Zymm

I mean, isn’t confusing youth what right wing evangelicals are all about?

Gratliff

I wonder about Twitter sometimes
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Unsurprised

What’s to wonder? It’s a dumpster fire of liquid shit.

LemonJello

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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blackroseMD1

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JustStopDude

So I am finishing this Batman V Superman film and I can say this as someone who routinely watches the most obscured and/or bizarre films, including a lot of foreign films, if you put a fucking gun to my head right fucking now, I could not explain this plot to you at all.

So near as I can tell Lex Luthor in this universe is an autistic spaz with money (bold choice by the writers and director) who has an utterly moronic plot that completely hinges on every single person in the universe being functionally retarded.

Superman is a superpowered idiot. Batman is a nihlist, rich, sadistic moron. Wonder Woman is a houseplant. When Luthor’s plot to get Batman to kill Superman is ruined by their mutual realization their mothers have the same first name (wait what?!?), Batman stops brutally killing and branding people just enough to kill more people to save Martha Clark. Lois Lane is there to do really stupid shit to get the plot to move along and at no point in the movie do our heroes even attempt to stop getting killed other than to claim the section of a city they just leveled was unoccupied.

I’ve watched Finnish dark comedies that I understood better than this flick. I would rather sit through Transformers 1 through 3 and just deal with the seizures.

Gratliff

But not 4. No one deserves that sort of torture.

Unsurprised

The only redeeming part is this and watching TJ Miller get killed.
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entropy

Can’t enjoy any scenes of the daughter, because they are invariably followed up by her boyfriend whipping out a laminated goddamn card explaining why it’s legal for him to bone her.

Unsurprised

I just meant this photo.

entropy

Oh, then yeah, I agree completely

Unsurprised

But not Age of Extinction because even you have your limits.

I turned that on one night and let it play in the background as I was fucking around doing something else and I think I looked up half a dozen times to look while saying “Is this still fucking going?” The new one is three fucking hours long. Why? WHY? Why is any action movie more than 100 minutes long?

entropy

Superman is far more than a superpowered idiot, he’s a superpowered idiot rage monster who seems to have been raised by the type of Christians Bill Maher is always mocking… also, while I know that Metropolis was destroyed in Man of Steel-level IQ, don’t you think that some of that Federal Disaster Aid money used to build a weirdly-posed sculpture and put in a greenway over the spot where probably thousands of citizens were killed like six months ago, could have made it across the fuckin, y’know, bay and improved goddamn Gotham?

The only part of the movie I enjoyed was Wonder Woman, because while she was an idiot, she was largely inoffensive, and looked as I expect someone with actual superpowers to look (when you can lift fucking tanks, packing on muscle would be a very difficult feat). I would like to know how she made it off the plane without getting at least harrassed by security a little, because that shit is illegal as hell unless [insert expected United Joke here], but maybe she just murdered the TSA agents who tried to stop her.

Lois tried to do her job a little, albeit at the level of Corkie sorting glass, and Perry White seemed to just outright hate Clark Kent, which made sense, but wouldn’t firing Kent have made more sense than the near-constant argument? No matter what universe we’re in, there are probably THOUSANDS of journalists who would gladly report on football one night and whatever the fuck Kent was hired to do the next.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I first read that as “Cokie” and the image that came into my head was of her and Peggy Noonan sorting through various martini glasses trying to settle on the right one for the evening’s libations.

Unsurprised

Piss. Jar.

Doktor Zymm

Sounds like a rip off of les miserables

entropy

Lemonjello…. what didja think of 47 Ronin?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello

It seemed a little choppy – and predictable (except for the non-Hollywood standard ending).

entropy

I enjoyed it, massive editing and tonal issues aside, but it’s a perfectly fine Saturday afternoon time-waster of a movie… Plus, the fights were damn good and the dragon managed to look pretty unique for a Hollywood movie.

LemonJello

I agree, it’s a good flick and I am a fan of samurai fights, but it did seem to suffer from some poor editing. I’d watch it again if I came across it while channel surfing.

entropy

Refusing to believe that something that’s been beaten to death could ever be past its prime, Woody Johnson will make the Jets pick from Brett Favre’s Ranch, hoping to lure the ol’ gunslinger out for one more rodeo.

litre_cola

Is that for sex with Deanna?

Unsurprised

100mm of fury!

Unsurprised

THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We have the cure.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

WOODY JOHNSON: “Oh, hi Peter. Guess one of your sources leaked our plans and you were able to get out here a little early?’

PETER KING: [has been there all month]

Unsurprised

Do you think PK consumes all those liquid diabetes drinks from Starbucks to get the taste of Favre’s cock out of his mouth, or do they somehow enhance the flavor?

LemonJello

Yes? Yes.

entropy

Both songs in this post are excellent choices… turns out I enjoy songs about domestic violence as much as I do maritime disaster songs.

Learn something new every day.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

NEEDZ MOAR ANATOMY!
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Glad to see you, too.

LemonJello

Arriving late to the party, but still not to be outdone, Shad Khan will announce the Jaguras picks from a porta-shitter in one of Jacksonville’s many trailer parks.

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Unsurprised

Not willing to be one-upped by Jim Irsay announcing the Colts first pick from an intervention, Daniel Snyder will announce the REDACTEDS’s first pick from a throne made of cash he has parked in the middle of the Pine Ridge Reservation.

Unsurprised

Artist’s depiction:
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JustStopDude

Not to be outdone, the Jim Irsay will be announcing the Colts first pick from an intervention.

Unsurprised

Not his own, I assume.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Not willing to be one-upped by John Schnieder annoucing the Seattle Seahawks pick from midair over Hobson’s Creek, Dean Spanos has polled his remaining fans and both of them think it should be held in Kevin’s garage.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Not willing to be one-upped by the Eagles blimp, I’ll be watching this on a loop.
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https://gfycat.com/CraftyNaughtyAnemone

Unsurprised

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Don T

Not willing to be one-upped by any of the 31 visiting teams, the Philadelphia Eagles will drop their draft picks by blimp.
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litre_cola

This is well done Don T. I toss a D cell battery in your direction.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I would think that for member of that religion getting killed by a pig is as dishonorable as it gets. It’d be like a Viking somehow getting killed while doing his laundry.

LemonJello

Or a samurai tripping and falling on his sword.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

The South Park movie was prophetic.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello

You know they were defenseless against pork.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not willing to be one-upped by Steve Bisciotti announcing the Ravens pick from inside the Baltimore City Detention Center, John Schnieder will annouce the Seattle Seahawks pick from midair over Hobson’s Creek.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It was meant as a tribute!

LemonJello

Not willing to be one-upped by any of the league’s owners, National Disgrace Roger Goodell has moved the draft to his secret lair at the heart of a black hole.
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JustStopDude

Not willing to be one-upped by Robert Kraft announcing their pick from space, Steve Bisciotti will announce the Ravens pick from inside the Baltimore City Detention Center…

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Fucking A…this brings back some heavy memories…

Brick Meathook

Eisenhower is wondering who those two doofuses are.

Sharkbait
JustStopDude

I have no idea why…I guess because I think I deserve to be punished for some reason, but I am sitting through this Batman V Superman movie.

Fucking Christ is it awful.

LemonJello

I’m watching 47 Ronin. Don’t know what to think of it so far.

JustStopDude

That actually a fantastic movie in my opinion. Its one of those flicks that gets better with multiple viewings. The East German character is brilliant, especially the tense scene where DiNero intentionally spills the coffee.

entropy

Uh…. I think you have the movies confused (although “47 Ronin” and “Ronin” could each be vastly improved by some character bleedover).

JustStopDude

Oh shit you are right. Fucking brain fart. I must turn in my movie buff membership card.

Wakezilla

It’s not that bad! It could have been better if it was shorter.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not willing to be one-upped by Woody Johnson announcing the Jets will have their Saturday picks announced from the New Jersey landfill where Jimmy Hoffa was buried, the New England Patriots will announce theirs from this fully armed and operational battle station.

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LemonJello

Genius. I want to like this so many more times.

Sharkbait

Aaron looks really weird without a beard there.

LemonJello

It was a few years before he found Olivia.

Unsurprised
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

In basedballl news, the Marlins are apparently being sold to Derek Jeter and “JEB!” Because a Bush owning a baseball team worked so well in the past.

I can’t wait to see what new graphic they’ll choose to encourage fan noise! Please, please, please let it be this:

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JustStopDude

I love how Mark Cuban is basically blask listed from ever owning a team but the same rich shitheads can do it year in and year old.

If you read up on the auction for the Texas Rangers, its hilarious how he made Nolan Ryan and his backers bleed.

blaxabbath

JEB!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not willing to be one-upped by Bob McNair announcing the Texans will have their Saturday picks announced from the International Space Station, the Jets will announce their picks from the New Jersey landfill where Jimmy Hoffa was buried.

LemonJello

I’m confused. What’s a “Texan”? Is that one of those Canadia futbol teams?

litre_cola

BEST DAMN TEAM SAN ANTONE EVER SEEN.