Today is, arguably, one of the greatest days in the calendar year for ‘Murricans.  We are smack dab in the middle of a glorious three-day Memorial Day Weekend (four, if you were smart and took off on Friday) and there is nothing to do all day except for consuming large quantities of food and alcohol, wearing no pants, and doing whatever the fuck your significant other tells you you are going to do.

For those of us lucky ones without anyone telling us what to do, we have, at our disposal, an entire day of racing action to drunkenly pass out on.  In order:

The 75th Monaco Grand Prix

Yes, the 75th is the diamond anniversary.  It’s a little late by the time you read this, but I want to give you this link so you can start making your plans to be there next year.  Alls I know, is this is my plan to watch the race next year:

So, seriously, this is where all the girls get kidnapped and shipped off to the Middle East to be a part of harems, right?

If there is one motherfucker left in this world that promotes white slavery (Das Raycess!), it’s this guy:

As for the race itself, it will really depend on who wins the pole and how many teammates are around.  The best bet is points leader Sebastian Vettel or Hamilton Lewis.  I do love me some Daniel Ricciardo and Kimi Räikkönen though, so a win by either of those two will get the day off to a good start.

One name I did not mention is Fernando Alonso.  That is because he decided to skip this race and instead race in

The 101st Indianapolis 500

Last year was the BIG anniversary, but this year’s race has plenty of things happening around it.  There is the aforementioned Fernando Alonso racing in Indy for the first time.  There was the Taco Bell robbery of Scott Dixon and Dario Franchitti (ex-Mr. Judd and new daddy.  Take that, Ashley!!).

And there was the crazy crash in practice that saw Sebastien Bourdais taken to the hospital with multiple pelvic fractures.  Luckily, he will be ok and he already has two kids, so his wife was only slightly annoyed.

As for the race itself, Alonso starts the race in the second row and has posted very good times.   I’ll be rooting for him but will also be happy if Juan Pablo Montoya wins.  Even though he didn’t really run well in NASCAR (I really am the king of the segue), he did do quite well for himself

Which brings us to:

The 58th Coca Cola 600

Wait

That’s more like it.

The nightcap to the day is the longest race in NASCAR and, arguably, the most challenging.  It starts off in daytime, finishes at night, and provides the ultimate test of engine capability.  Whoever wins here has a very good team.

Who will win?

Kevin Harvick won the pole and my favorite driver, Kyle Busch, will start the race next to him in the front row. There are a lot of young drivers making waves this season and they’ve all done well in qualifying.  I’m speaking of Erik Jones, Chase Elliot, Ryan Blaney, and Kyle Larson.  As long as their engines don’t blow up, any of those drivers could win.

So, there you have it.  A whole day you can devote to watching auto racing on one screen, porn on the other, and a drink in your free hand.  Have a great day!