Your Half-assed 2017 Pittsburgh Steelers Season Preview

So, this feels appropriate.  Originally, WCS was going to write the bulk of this preview while I, the “recovering” Steelers fan was going to add in some comic relief and rejoice in the fact that I don’t give a fuck if Ben dies on the field or not, if Mike Tomlin talks about the standards after a loss to a 5 win team, or whether James Harrison got fined by Roger Goodell for getting an erection in front of the NBC Sunday Night Football cameras.

But then real life got in the way. WCS has some loved ones affected by the shit in Charlottesville, so he’s out for a bit dealing with that.

AND YOU GET ME!!!

Let me start with what was going to be the extent of my contribution.  This is the Steelers’ season in a nutshell:

AND/OR

EQUALS

It’s sadly that fucking simple.  Anything happens to Ben and this team is fucked.  Anything happens to Bell and this team is fucked.  The Raiders are our only hope and when you’re counting on this

You might as well go see a fucking Rams-Chargers game in London.   Seriously, I cannot wait until Goodell comes up with THAT brilliant idea.

As far as the Steelers, the rest of the team is solid.  The defense should once again be one of the top defenses in the league.  Ben has all the weapons he wants and both lines are surprisingly stable.  Special teams leave a lot to be desired, but they are neither a weapon nor a liability.

Let’s take a look at the schedule, shall we?

Week 1

We start out with the Browns??  Who did Ben have to blow in an Alabama bathroom to make that happen?  Okay, 1-0.

Week 2

Vikings at home most likely without Teddy? That blowie must have been really good.  Call it 2-0.

Week 3

At the Bears before they have a chance to be any good?  Ben may give Ted Stryker a run for his money.  3-0

Week 4

Ok, good.  I was getting a little carried away there.  At the Ravens is pretty much a guaranteed loss.  They will be thinking they are good, but they will really not be.  Cold bucket of water courtesy of the Ravens here. 3-1

Week 5

Jags at home coming off a Ravens loss is a pretty easy bounceback setup.  Let’s go with 4-1.

Week 6

At Kansas City is a tough proposition, but doable considering this team did it last year. Plus, KC is due for a fall. A tenous 5-1.

Week 7

The first Cincinnati game is at home, which bodes well.  After reading Redshirt’s preview, I think that Cincy will really struggle this year.  This may be the game where the Steelers put Dalton out of his misery and Alabama boy comes in to take over the starting role. Let’s go with 6-1.

Week 8

Sunday Night game at Detroit.  Also known as Deebo-nergate!  I think there should be a prop bet to see if there will be more Jerome Bettis references or points.  Take the over. 7-1.

Week 9

Bye Week.  This is the most dangerous week as this is when our marijuana enthusiasts will toke up and risk suspension from the Rog.

Week 10

At the Colts.  Are the Colts any good?  I mean Hodor is still there, but beyond him, what’s there?  I hate piling up the wins, but I don’t see a loss here. 8-1.

Week 11

Finally a loss!  The short week will hurt and the Titans will be legit good.  8-2

Week 12

The Packers on Sunday Night Football.  Maybe Ben and Aaron will compare blowjob techniques. I fully expect the Packers to play well and win.  This will be two Sunday Night Football losses in a row after the James Harrison boner incident.  Goodell will fine him an additional $50,000.  And the media will start talking about what’s wrong with the Steelers. 8-3

Week 13

Monday Night Football in Cincinnati.  If there is one thing Mike Tomlin’s Steelers teams are good at is winning Monday Night Football games.  His record coaching them is really damn good.  Plus, it’s the Bengals in Ohio where Ben thrives.  Must be the restrooms. 9-3

Week 14

Second Ravens game is at home and again on Sunday Night Football.  This time the Steelers will even their Sunday Night Football record and Cris Collinsworth will be pissed. 10-3

Week 15

In Aussie Rules, they talk about teams having “bogey” teams.  The Patriots are the Steelers’ bogey team.  The Steelers cannot beat them.  Period. 10-4

Week 16

Christmas Night on Sunday Night Football against a team that doesn’t exist.  Yeah, that’s a 11-4.  BTW, how the FUCK are the Steelers on prime time THAT MUCH?  Even I’m annoyed by this.  At least it justifies me getting rid of Sunday Ticket…

Week 17

The Browns at home to end the season is like Alabama scheduling Coppin State before the LSU game.  Cupcakes exist in the NFL too. 12-4.

***

So, 12-4 (or 11-5 if they choke against a lesser team like they do every year under Mike Tomlin, so yeah, that’s more likely) and a probable AFC North championship.

The big question will be how many wins the Patriots get and what seed the Steelers get.  A #2 seed means they avoid the Pats until the AFC Championship and they get a first round bye.  This is the best case scenario.  Anything else and we are looking at possibly facing the Raiders or Titans, neither of which is a good thing.  I would rather have the Patriots have to run through that gauntlet thankyouverymuch.

Of course, all of this is ultimately pointless because Ben will die on the field sometime after the bye and Bell will get popped for drugs around Week 5.  I read it on the bathroom wall.

Given this site generates no revenue and I give no shits about critical acclaim, I guess that makes me an artist.  Go figure.

And now, a musical interlude.

What am I getting at with these videos?  Something my mom taught me a long time ago that is one of the most important things I’ve ever learned:

EVERYTHING HAS A TIME AND PLACE

That band is the absolute best band I have ever seen live on stage.  Sometime in the late 90s, Los Amigos Invisibles (apropos to this group as their name means The Invisible Friends.  They might as well be the DFO house band!) got discovered in the United States from their native Venezuela.  They toured all over the US and I saw them multiple times.

Do you all remember the great party bands of the 80s?  Like Oingo Boingo, the B-52s, and Fishbone?  What they all had in common was that their music was fun to dance to and fun to listen to.  The lyrics were usually funny and weird.  Los Amigos Invisibles are the Latin heirs to this legacy.

Their concerts were some of the funnest times I have ever had in my life.  I was in my late 20s/early 30s and I was working a job that was good, but I had not yet risen up the ladder so high that a midweek show at the Belly Up in Solana Beach was out of the question.  I still remember driving back past Camp Pendleton going over 100 in my Z4 with my best friend in the car with the taste of some random girl’s lipstick lingering on my tongue.

The band still plays shows, but not at the Belly Up anymore and I’m not the same person I was then.

TIME AND PLACE

There is a time and place for everything.  Special moments are only captured in special circumstances when you can take advantage of them.  No one wants to be the old guy at a club.  When you are a teenager, you can’t get in.  That’s ok, though.  It’s not time for you yet.  The concept works the same with relationships.  You may meet the most amazing person but if you are in different places in your life, it’s not gonna happen.  No matter how good the sex is.

And now I bring it full circle to the Steelers.  The window of opportunity for this team has been closing for two years now.  This is probably their last chance.  After Ben retires (or GETS retired), the chance of finding another franchise QB is, as Chick Hearn used to say, between Slim and None and Slim just left town.  It took 20+ years to replace Terry Bradshaw.  It will probably take that long to replace Ben.

It’s now or never.

But I’m not holding my breath.  Just like I have my memories of amazing shows and meeting amazing women and dancing all night and having the time of my life, I also have my memories of Super Bowl victories.  Some people never get to experience that.  We should all be so lucky.

If you’re young and single like Weaselo and Maestro, go out tonight and have an awesome night that you will remember when you are 80.  Yeah, it’s a Tuesday night but that’s the point. If you can do it, why the fuck not?

It sure beats relying on a football team made up of rapists, wife-beaters, and pot-heads to give you happiness.

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
ballsofsteelandfury

Latest posts by ballsofsteelandfury (see all)

Leave a Reply

Notify of
trackback
Member

[…] healthy so far, but any one little thing can cause the whole thing to go kaboom.  The lines, as I mentioned in the preview, have been solid and the defense has jumped to the top of the rankings.  Special teams have been […]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Wakezilla
Member

Good write up!

This team is kind of funny because I can see them going anywhere between 8-8 (Bell and Rapey injured/suspended) to 13-3 (they stay healthyish).11-5 sounds right.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

A repost from last season:

To the tune of “Carry On My Wayward Son” by Kansas

Carry on my wayward Ben
Remember bad-touch is a sin
Just because there was no arrest
Please don’t block the door

Once Ben’s head was full of noise and confusion
No one knew what pharmaceuticals Ben was usin’
He was acting very creepy
But he was a QB

Ben is full of slime, he not fine man
Though Ben committed crime he a free man
Ben still hear voices when he sleepy
He think he hear them say

Carry on my wayward Ben
Remember bad-touch is a sin
Just because there was no arrest
Please don’t block the door

Ben now play all the games in a season
Ben thinks the cheerleaders are just teasin’
Ben not sure how to be good man
The Ben really just don’t know

The Ben misses using all the lotion
The Ben banned from using sleepy-potion
The Ben is going to make a fortune
But the voices say

Carry on my wayward Ben
Remember bad-touch is a sin
Just because there was no arrest
Please don’t block the door

Carry on
The Ben cannot remember
Carry on
The Ben think it December
The Ben wonders if he should listen
And does no mean no?

Carry on my wayward Ben
Remember bad-touch is a sin
Just because there was no arrest
Please don’t block the door

Redshirt
Member

Firstly, my thoughts are with WCS. Hopefully his family is well.

Secondly, nice post BallsofSteelandFury. Agreed completely. This team will go only as far as Big Ben can stay upright. As we’ve seen, whenever Landry Jones enters the field, that offense changes from fearsome to tiresome.

At least when the Steelers-Bengals meet, lets agree not to cripple the other players and ruin their season. Normally, I would happy with the Bengals taking the Steelers with them a la Mutually Assured Destruction, but this is serious matters. The Patriots can’t win again.

Don T
Member

Ugh. Don’t like that TNF in PIT. I dunno; Steelers look solid. And seeing The Ben play is freakin’ great. Hearing him blow himself with how injured he MIGHT really be, not so.

Don T
Member

“Yeah, it’s a Tuesday night but that’s the point. If you can do it, why the fuck not?”

comment image

blaxabbath
Member

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/9q3H7HNpNlrPO.gif
“I mean, when you look at it objectively, causing him to forget he was ever QB for the Cleveland Browns is rather merciful, no?” -King Hippo

King Hippo
Member

that video still makes me chuckle

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Grumble grumble

I’m obviously never going to live that image down. But hey, at least I’m on top of the boobs of a hot chick again.

smgdh.

(LMFAO)

blaxabbath
Member

“Pittsburgh not Paris!”

– REAL NFL FANS

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

As the Mayor of Pittsburgh, I can assure you that we will follow the guidelines of the Paris Agreement for our people, our economy & future. https://t.co/3znXGTcd8C

— bill peduto (@billpeduto) June 1, 2017

//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

blaxabbath
Member

“He’s a McCain-style traitor!”

— REAL NFL FANS

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

I’m keeping Bell in fantasy, so please no injuries. Other than that, this looks spot on. The Steelers are to AFC Championships what the 90s Bills were to Super Bowls

Senor Weaselo
Member

*checks crazy-glued incisions* Sorry to let you down, Ballsy.

/Other than that solid writeup
//”El Disco Anal”? Most DFO appropo song ever?

SonOfSpam
Member

“El Disco Anal” is the title of the Spanish Village People documentary.

litre_cola
Member

Quality writing. I will have a listen for certain. If Bell wants to come over I can hurry up that suspension.

nomonkeyfun
Member

You might as well go see a fucking Rams-Chargers game in London. Seriously, I cannot wait until Goodell comes up with THAT brilliant idea.

In London would probably be the only way for Angelenos to see that game. You know Cheap ass hairpiece and/or the Greek God of Walking away from a fanbase would insist on blacking the game out in the “Home” market because it wasn’t a sellout for the $500 in stadium jumbotron experience.

King Hippo
Member

It would be an unfair advantage because the Shitty Clippers are used to playing on half-assedly repurposed Lesser Footy pitches.

And the preferred nomenclature is “bogey SIDE” Dude…

SonOfSpam
Member

I think I liked the “Time & Place” stuff better than the A-A-RON blowie jokes (“jokes”) and you know how much I love those. This was well done, and if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go hit the Red Onion and see if any babe wants to hook up during a Glass Tiger song.

litre_cola
Member

Glass tiger were Canadian icons!!!

SonOfSpam
Member

That’s not a thing you should say with pride, Rush? Sure. Triumph? Yes. Anne Murray? Ok, if you’re old or whatever. But Glass Tiger was the pussyest band who ever vagina’d. Of course, if a girl at the R.O. wanted to dance to one of their songs, then whatcha gonna do?

litre_cola
Member

Oh thats embarrasment my internet friend. Shame even.

wpDiscuz