Your “No Problems Here – What Are You Talking About?”

NFL News:

  • Tony Romo will miss Friday’s Chiefs-Seahawks game because his son was born last night. Good for him.
    • Little Jones McCoy Romo joins older brothers Hawkins & Rivers in the Romo playpen.
      • I’m guessing the name is a tribute to JERRAL, and an unsilent thank-you for the bonus money he kept after retiring.
  • Some bored reporter got the bright idea to ask Chargers coach Anthony Lynn if there’s a rivalry brewing between the Rams & Chargers. He gave the best answer he could:
    • “Not really,” Lynn said, via the OC Register. “Because neither one of us have done anything yet. So you’ve got to do something first. Maybe the fight is between the marketing departments. I don’t know.”
  • It’s all fine in Jacksonville…except that Chad Henne is starting tonight versus Carolina.
    • They have no other options at this point, because they drafted everything but a QB in 2017.
      • As a reminder, Bortles was the No. 3 overall pick in the 2014 NFL Draft. Sporting News has a story on the failure of the entire first round of that year’s QB drafts.
      • Not for nothing, but a cursory search tells me the Argos may have Bortles CFL rights.
    • And………….here comes the Kaepernick rumours.
  • On the Kaep front, an interesting day in New York Wednesday:
    • The protest outside NFL HQ took place. About 1000 people were reported to have attended.
      • Speaking at the protest, the Rev. Jamal Bryant said. “The NFL has proven with their treatment of Colin Kaepernick that they do not mind if black players get a concussion. They just got a problem if black players get a conscience.”
    • The NAACP has asked for a meeting with Roger Goodell “to discuss NFL players and their ability to exercise their First Amendment rights”.
      • Forgive a Canadian, but I thought the First meant the government couldn’t shut you up, and that a private corporation can do what they want.
        • Like how after Charlottesville people alt-righters got fired and crocodile tears were spilled for them.
    • Someone asked for Hank Aaron’s opinion.
      • “I think he’s getting a raw deal,” said Aaron.
    • CBS Sports with the dig of the day:
      • “Anytime you can get a guy who managed to set music back 50 years — by mashing up “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Werewolves of London” into a horrific new song that’s just catchy enough to worm into your ear — to weigh in on a sports/politics controversy, you have to do it.”
      • All because, while performing at the Iowa State Fair (uh huh), Robert James Ritchie said,
        • “Football’s about ready to start. You know what? [expletive] Colin Kaepernick.”
    • Finally, PFT (of all sites) brings up Michael Sam (of all people) in comparison:

Three years ago, Peter King reported prior to the first game of the 2014 regular season (Packers at Seahawks) that the NFL called multiple teams in an effort to get one of the teams to sign Michael Sam to its practice squad. The Cowboys eventually did.

With Kaepernick, it would unfold the same way. Phone calls and arm twists and horse trades would eventually result in Kaepernick being employed. Whether it’s offering the team a wink-nod chance to host a Super Bowl or a dispensation from having to give up a home game to London or a 10-year exemption from Hard Knocks or whatever else the league can quietly offer, there are ways the NFL could place Kaepernick on a team, if the NFL really wanted to.

Finally, ESPN has a breakdown of the difference between a tank and a failing franchise, in a discussion about the Jets.

  • Basically, it comes down to, you have to have a solid plan in order to tank. ESPN alleges the Jets are too inept to be able to tank properly, and are simply failing all on their own.

Game preview: Dolphins at Eagles

Sticking with my cursory SBNation analysis/thievery, the Dolphins’ site The Phinsider is thrilled to note Mike Pouncey will be making his debut tonight, and explains to their readers the metaphorical concept of removing the “bubble wrap” from a 300-pound player. Speaking of bubble wrap, they are hedging their bets on Jay Cutler, as “Why there is no question about Ryan Tannehill and his $17.5 million” goes into the logic of keeping Tannehill no matter what happens this season with Jay Cutler under center. Otherwise, their site is mostly game preview, discussing such topics as:

Meanwhile, over at the harbingers of doom known as Bleeding Green Nation, they are really trying to drum up interest in a lineup that smell like something Jeff Fisher threw out. When I clicked on the link, “How to watch the Eagles-Dolphins game“, I half-expected a pop-up ad for 6-pack sales at Wawa to appear. They pump an ESPN Insider poll that (somehow) ranks Carson Wentz slightly behind Jameis Winston & Marcus Mariota, higher than Sam Bradford, and notes Jared Goff as #32. Their preview about “Thirteen players to watch tonight” is a misnomer because #2 is “The offensive line”, so they might as well have said “Let’s watch; you decide”.

Prediction: An unwatchable 13-7 Eagles victory.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NFL:
    • Dolphins at Eagles – 7:00PM | NFL Network
  • CFL:
    • Blue Bombers at Alouettes – 7:30PM | TSN
  •  Baseball:
    • Little League World Series:
      • U.S. Elimination Game: New England vs. Southwest – 7:30PM | ESPN
        • Fairfield, CT vs. Lufkin, TX
    • MLB:
      • Red Sox at Cleveland – 7:00PM | Sportsnet

I was doing food deliveries for my buddy’s Greek restaurant last night. The delivery to the motel down the street was for $78. A topless hooker answered the door, paid, and no-tipped the delivery. OR DIDN’T SHE?!

 

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Horatio Cornblower

So my son and a bunch of his friends go back to various colleges tomorrow so my wife naturally arranges a pizza party. Naturally I invite a bunch of their fathers and get a bunch of beer and start a bonfire.

Then I remembered today is Thursday and I have to be in court tomorrow.

Fuck.

Unsurprised

Move for a bad … court … thingie.

Horatio Cornblower

Bourbon, brownest of the brown liquors.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n39897a9hNk

Unsurprised

Care to join me in a belt of scotch?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tChglzHkzUY

King Hippo

Two words:

Bomb. Threat.

Unsurprised

Your honor, I’m just a simple hyper-chicken from a backwoods asteroid …

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SwWKmFASfU

Unsurprised

I’m sorry. I thought you was corn.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlERV_ePVxU

theeWeeBabySeamus

How do evahbodeh be 2nite?
I really don’t care, but it’s polite to ask. At least that’s what my mother tells me. But fuck her.

King Hippo

“grumble, grumble, already did, grumble, grumble”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehehehe.
Nicely played.

Horatio Cornblower

I was trying to figure out how to give a thumbs down to this for tWBS’s Mom, but then I figured Belicheck already gave her a “thumbs up” so I would too.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow, I really fucked this one up.
Also, you guys are assholes.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Also, you’re lucky I’m in a good mood. You spend the afternoon writing a team preview for no fucking reason, LOL, and then get back to me.

And it was really goddamned good too. I even had an oversharing moment about the Lions and Thanksgiving and burning a turkey and everything.

Shakespeare would have been envious.

OK, maybe not Shakespeare….but Poe would have loved the fuck out of it.

Horatio Cornblower

I have ripped off Poe more than anyone here and by God and by damn if there’s a loose team preview floating around here I WILL ‘FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER’ IT’S ASS SO FAST!!!!

Sharkbait

Doing an auction draft. I may have collectively spent $60 on Aaron Rodgers and Matt Ryan. Do I make bad FF decisions?

King Hippo

hopefully you get to be the top at least ,, smgdh

Sharkbait

to be fair, his nomination was for $1 and nobody bid on him. AKA I got screwed with him, i was trying to bid him up

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Too lazy to check, but I kinda hope they have the same bye week.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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King Hippo

Horse Balls back in the barn for CAR, may have to flip back to Iggles. Or go to nudie bar. I had a long nap today.

Unsurprised

That hit sounded brutal, but it’s probably the sound of pads on pads and thus “safe.”

https://twitter.com/NFL/status/900892608289026050

King Hippo

I am watching Jags/Panthers just because it doesn’t involve Matt Moore.

/still involves Henne and BORT

JustStopDude

Say what you will about the Eagles Defense, they can block the shit out of themselves.

Unsurprised

This deserves a gif.

Unsurprised

Why am I procrastinating?

Redshirt

I’ll tell you later.

Duchess

Procrastination is like masturbation… because they both usually involve porn.

Redshirt

Procrasturbating?

Unsurprised

I’m watching Beverly Hills Cop and posting here, so it’s half true.

Duchess

I can still watch most movies that came out in the 80’s Goonies, Beverly Hills Cop, etc repeatedly but frankly can’t muster the strength to rewatch a single movie made in the last 7 years.

Unsurprised

No John Wick? No Fury Road? What kind of monster are you?

Duchess

Honestly, Wick slipped my mind because it felt like a 90’s revenge film.

But yeah I have not rewatched fury road. never felt the urge to

JustStopDude

The NFL runs into a Free Speech issue, though my personal view is that this would never hold up in court, for the same reason they run into problems all the time…they have a government approved monopoly.

Ergo, the government can get into their business.

Duchess

BTW… has anyone actually gone to that “Blacks for Trump 2020” site? That shit is bonkers
it re directs you to a schizophrenic rant about how Cherokees are trying to destroy the world.

Unsurprised

I would’ve never guessed.

Redshirt

I try to avoid political sites. I signed a Democrat petition once in ’02 and all of a sudden I was getting Democrat political ads in the mail. Hell, I voted in Democrat primary in ’08 after voting Republican in ’04, and the mailman started delivering my mail by pallet.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Speaking of weird mail I just got something from a “Court Date Notification” service that a different person with the same name as me had a restraining order filed against him by his spouse.

Unsurprised

That seems like the kind of thing that shouldn’t be sent first-class.

Don T

Soon you’ll be getting motility results for Tiki Barber.

Brick Meathook

I once got a letter from the Auto Club trying to sell me their car insurance, and it was addressed to me and signed from me, with an Auto Club business card enclosed that had my name on it. I stared at that fucking letter for five minutes before it dawned on me that there was an Auto Club insurance agent who was also named Brick Meathook.

Mind = Blown

Unsurprised

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Somehow the Democrats got my address and sent me a questionnaire a few months back. I considered scrawling “SINGLE PAYER” in huge letters and returning it but never bothered.

Horatio Cornblower

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times*, those fucking Cherokee are going to be the death of us all.

*I am Dan Snyder

Unsurprised

Dan Snyder’s the kind of asshole to wear a “Andrew Jackson Was Right” sweatshirt on Columbus Day.

Unsurprised

This isn’t the first time Gylfi Sigurdsson has broken English hearts.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You can’t post that England/Iceland game without posting this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaW1hqqyEhw

Unsurprised

I was going to, but it wasn’t a Sigurdsson goal.

King Hippo

Hey now, Gylfi scored FOAR the English side this time! Best first goal in a team shirt I’ve ever seen. EVERTON WOO!!!!!

King Hippo

oh, and trust me, those Hajduk fucks were cunts of the highest order. Hooligans and more than a bit white power-y. I wouldn’t recommend following your Lesser Footy side on a trip to Croatia, should the opportunity arise.

Unsurprised

Oh, I assumed it was intra-England EPL play. Well, fuck.

King Hippo

Europa League (ie, Lesser Footy NIT) tie. 2nd preliminary round for Everton. Think the 3rd or 4th overall. Group stage drawing is tomorrow.

Unsurprised

“Everton? You can do better than these guys, can’t you?”

“Not these days. Not unless you speak Spanish.”

Don T

To be fair, no one knows about actual offers or money range. He went to the Seahawks, so Kaep’s not opposed to be a QB2, in principle.
But he’s definitely better than A LOT of QBs with jobs. The league tolerated the #BlackLivesMatter in STL & CLE. Labeling Kaep an attention seeker is very unfair IMO. The guy walks the walk. Good for Martellus Bennett for calling white players to protest the anthem. This regimented NFL bullshit’s gotta stop.

Redshirt

I don’t know. Bengals can’t unload McCarron so it sounds like the QB market is cold. That could be why no ones getting Kaep.

Don T

I think, oh, about 25 teams are ALWAYS looking for QBs. Not that you’d hear any say it. It’s a panic game.

Redshirt

They’re looking but they don’t want to start something. Bengals brought in Neil O’Donnell, and Paul Justin to compete with Jeff Blake in ’98. When you start a QB competition to mix things up, it can divide the team and when no QB is the answer, it can set a team back.

Don T

A solid backup is a necessity! Bad QB options, not decisions, fuck over teams. At least that’s the Jeff Hostetler Corollary.

Redshirt

Backup? Yes.
Starter? Bad. See: Frerotte, Gus – ’02.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFG4mRKgkNs&t=31s

Unsurprised

I should finish writing this thing.

...

MLB’s obsession with pace of play is so dumb. Do they really think limiting mound visits is going to bring fans back in droves?

Redshirt

Yeah, its definitely not lack of parity between big market and small market teams. That’s not the reason why the Reds are being outdrawn by a minor league soccer team and getting interested in an averagely average football team.

herodotus450

Mound visits (heh, mound visit) no, but pitching changes maybe. Only one pitching change per inning? More comebacks due to rattled pitchers? Which would oinly lead to longer games…

Redshirt

28-21 before halftime? Did the NFL finally outlaw the defense?

Duchess

you draft what the colleges give you and the NCAA hasnt played defense in years

Redshirt

RE: QBs worst than Kaep

Wow. Dalton sucks so much he can’t make a “Who Sucks Worst” List.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Eh, Dalton is a perfectly cromulent option if you’re looking to limp into the playoffs and get blown out.

But ’twas not an exhaustive list, otherwise a giraffe and a buttfumble would have appeared.

herodotus450

A cromulent option as long as your 1, 2, and 3rd wide receivers don’t get hurt. And a cromulent option if your three best defensive players don’t all get hurt. And a cromulent option if he doesn’t get hurt and miss the playoff game. Not a cromulent option when facing a decent pass rush though…

blaxabbath

Oh shit — I got busy and set aside Twin Picks.

Anyways, it was Dalton.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Psssshhhhh, yeah right. Like he could hit a target slower than AJ Green.

Redshirt

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Subject: Formal Apology for Yesterday’s Action

Sir,

As you may have heard on the news, the winner Powerball ticket was not purchased in the area. And as you may have inferred from my actions yesterday, I was planning on winning the jackpot. As such, I must make a sincere and profound apology for my actions yesterday.

Contrary to what I said on the PA system, I am sure you earned the position you have due to your skills and tireless work ethic, and not because you are an expert at performing fellatio. Also, I’m sure you assistant earned his position due to his tireless work ethic and not, as I implied, because his head has taken residence in your colon.

And finally, I must apologize to your dear, sweet mother. I’m sure her list of sexual partners is a small and select group and not long as I implied.

Thank you in advance for your understanding in the manner and hopefully this unfortunate thing will be left in the past.

Respectfully,
Redshirt
Grateful Employee

Don T

Your apology game is strong. Now comes the next stage. Don’t be like this guy:
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Unsurprised

Contrary to what I said on the PA system, I am sure you earned the position you have due to your skills and tireless work ethic, and not because you are an expert at performing fellatio.

Found the non-lawyer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcaVSTsYyOI

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I hope you all enjoyed my deluge of NFL quarterbacks with jobs who are inarguably inferior to Colin Kaepernick. Please feel free to add.

scotchnaut

Kielbasa sausage/one year cheddar/cracked pepper Triscuits-my breath tomorrow is gonna be a killer.

Gratliff

Goddamn. Duce looks like he can go in for some late game snaps. Looks like he lost the equivalent of Brian Westbrook since December.

Shogun Marcus

I’m a liberal (YOU’RE SHOCKED TO YOUR CORE!). HOWEVER…you can’t force any employer to hire you just because. Maybe it’s conspiracy, maybe…just perhaps…he’s not that great anymore?

Gratliff

I feel like even if that’s true, it lets the owners off for being massive cunts

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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You’re greatly underestimating how irrational people can be.

...

Related: I think NFL front offices are probably the dumbest and backward in the four major sports.

Gratliff

Goddamn, that was a pick

Unsurprised

I still totally want this cat.

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Unsurprised

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scotchnaut

“Professor Frink, who is your favourite football player?”

“McGloin!”

Gratliff

Fucking Eagles DBs

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Did Fred Smoot unretire and sign with Philly?

scotchnaut

I’m kinda entertained by this game.

blaxabbath

Anyone else just seriously in the fucking dogs days of summer? I have about a non-existent fuse anymore and, until I’m surrounded by outdoor air that’s under 70 degrees, that ain’t changing.

herodotus450

A non-existing Fuze, you say?
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Gratliff

It was 45 degrees this morning. Northern michigan has some benefits

blaxabbath

Y’all legal types can get into the finer merits of the 1A but, long-story-short, Kaep does have the right to protest and the NFL does have the right to exile his career. However, where this gets murky is the monetary tether the NFL has to the federal and various state & local governments.

“Sure is a nice antitrust exemption you got over here. Sure would be a shame if something were to happen to it and laws suddenly started applying to the NFL.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

/checks partisan makeup of Congress
//doesn’t hold breath

blaxabbath

WE’RE GETTING RID OF THE FILIBUSTER RULE!

Duchess

Correct, the first amendment gives you the right to be an asshole without government interference, but yeah you can be fired for being an asshole too.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Duchess

#relevantXKCD

Unsurprised

Only the MLB has an antitrust exemption. But given how the NFL has made itself a quasi-state institution through its incompetently manager personal conduct policy specifically acting in lieu of state action as well as the thoroughly corrupt entanglement of the NFL and government lawyers and police regarding off-field activities of players under the nebulous term “personal conduct,” then yeah, there’s some wiggle room for the 1A itself to apply.

Duchess

Kaep doesn’t even need to kneel through a National Anthem again Every announcer would still break out their best Bob Costas rant and keep the movement alive.

scotchnaut

Brett Favre doesn’t know why Smallwood is his favourite player.

litre_cola

Eagles Junior Cheer Clinic now with less security since Mark Sanchez left!

Don T

Today I had to reckon with a yooooge pet peeve: hearing in court “In all my years as a litigator, I have NEVER ______”.
First, unless you’ve 45 years of non-stop experience–don’t. Second, gimme a fucking break: what a shameless “I got nuthin'” dressed as pulling rank. If yer gonna grandstand, at least shoot for ideals, not ego. I hate that shit.

herodotus450

Oooh mad libs!
How about, “seen a woman vote”? Surely never having seen somtehing before is a reason not to do it.

Shogun Marcus

I demand the document FORTHWITH. Oh do you assfuck? Yeah…come on over, stick that tongue out. How’s that taste? Oh, like NOTHING?! GOOD. BECAUSE THAT’S ALL YOU’RE GETTING TWATWAFFLE.

blaxabbath

“In all my years as a litigator, I have NEVER let a black man walk free!”

Unsurprised

— Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III

scotchnaut

WerewolvesofLondondown!

Gratliff

lolfins

scotchnaut

Almost Fatdown?

ArmedandHammered

Man, that was a subtle pushoff, the defender’s arm didn’t straighten at all. Who is this slobbering asshole calling the Eagles game.

Gratliff

Were non-sports baseball caps always the realm of fascist fashion, or can this whole thing just be blamed on the MAGA thing?

litre_cola

You see if you read the DFO preview you would have known that was going to happen.

Gratliff

I knew that even without it

litre_cola

Umm you helped write it.

Gratliff

Had I never read in my life–A very real possibility as a Philadelphia sports fan–I could anticipate the hot new signing failing at life trying to stop the long pass

Don T

“Tip OR topless stripper”. Damn. Just the professional courtesy angle brings so many questions.

Unsurprised

One always tips strippers in Oregon.

Fun fact, people tip here even though the $10 minimum wage applies to tipped employees, which I found surprising when I learned that it applied because I was sure that white people being cheap as fuck would override respect for minimum wager earners.

Gratliff

Holy shit, Fins.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fuck Kid Rock with Charles Haley’s dick

Shogun Marcus

Go read. Or don’t. Whatever. I fucked up my deadline.
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/2017/08/24/complacent-indifference-packers-2017-preview/

litre_cola

I misthh Mayock.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is it racist that I keep confusing DeShone Kizer and DeShaun Foster? Or is it ok because they’re rookies.

scotchnaut

Am I a sandwichist because every time I hear Kizer I think of “roast beef on a”?

/little bit of mayo, some cracked blacked pepper [makes kissing noise]

litre_cola

Bananas foster is delicious as well.

scotchnaut

Carson Wentz for the long TD throw.

Gratliff

Jesus, Fins.

Gratliff

WHOO EAGLES DO A THING. Side note, I want an Eagles hat, but I don’t want to shell out $30 for the one I want. It’s basically a moral obligation to bootleg that shit, right?

litre_cola

All my really bad chinese jerseys think so.

scotchnaut

“Ajayiiiii. Werewolves of London. Ajayiiiiii.”

-Warron Zevon, football fan

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