Your “Well, This Is Awkward…” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

  • The Lions have agreed to pay Matt Stafford $135 million in a five-year extension.
    • That’s $27 million per year, or 16% of the team’s 2017 salary cap if the rules were strictly followed.
      • It includes a $50 million signing bonus, with a bunch of cap-affecting tricks like bonuses & workout targets factored in, and is $60 million guaranteed regardless.
Your highest-paid NFL QB
  • The Cowboys – Texans game has officially been moved from Houston to Dallas.
    • Concern for the League is the Texans’ home opener versus the Jags on September 10.
  • Dan Fouts has publicly called the Carson relocation an “embarrassment” to the League & for the Spanos’.
    • To maintain good graces & avoid getting every December Buffalo broadcast, he blames the city of San Diego as well for the team’s departure.
  • Eric Dickerson signed a one-day contract & retired as a member of the LA Rams.
  • Let the quest for 0-16 commence: Josh McCown has been named the Jets starter for Week-1.

Finally, in what may have been the shortest CFL coaching career in the modern era, Art Briles was released by the Hamilton Tiger-Cats yesterday evening. It seems the team & league were unaware there was going to be any backlash.

  • I guess they forgot that Canada doesn’t worship college athletics the same way MAGA-nation does. There’s actual scrutiny!
    • It’s harder to hide academic violations at U of C than U*NC, or five dead hookers at SFX than SMU.

Tonight’s sports:

  • Baseball:
    • Red Sox at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
  • U.S. Open Tennis:
    • First-round play – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN
  • WWE:
    • SmackDown – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
  • Basketball:
    • FIBA AmeriCup 2017:
      • Uruguay vs. U.S. – 7:30PM | ESPNU

It’s kinda quiet ahead of the fourth preseason game. A LITTLE TOO QUIET!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Brick Meathook

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ALXMAC

Half the reason I finally caved in and joined twitter (1 week ago) was that if DPRK goes all in I can at least have time to make a few more dick jokes.

ALXMAC
Unsurprised
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hey, remember Justified? Specifically, the Jackie Nevada part?

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Unsurprised

No, but I wish I did.

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ALXMAC

This commercial cracks me up; this chick would rather be Freighthopping with her dog in an empty boxcar than riding with her stupid husband in his stupid Subaru Outback to visit her stupid in-laws at their stupid cabin. What’s the O/U on how long til the divorce?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_wCVULh26s

Unsurprised

Hopefully she left a time bomb in the backseat.

ALXMAC

He doesn’t even show up til after the car does and then his appearance is timed with the line “If you want me tonight I’m yours; (husband shows up in her daydream) for as long as I can be”

Unsurprised

Helen of Train: The face that launched 1,000 bindles.

— Tomsula’s Iliad.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like Helen of Train is going to have to do a guest spot in our next Jim Tomsula bit.

Unsurprised

I can make a whole thing. Tomsula’s not the only hobo, and it’s also a poignant if also maddening statement at how shitty the NFL treats its castoffs.

Todd Marinovich could totally be Hector to Tomsula’s Achilles.

Senor Weaselo

Tomsula’s not the only hobo

“You’re damn right he ain’t!” -Ed Reed

Unsurprised

Ajax?

Senor Weaselo

Goddammit Spotify, could you actually, you know, work?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Doktor Zymm

Final thought : I bet Rodin’s “The Thinker” had really tight pecs

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ALXMAC
Doktor Zymm

I’m gonna go pee, brush my teeth, go to sleep, then wake up hung over at 5 am! GOODNIGHT PEOPLE WHO PROBABLY DON’T HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THEIR MOTHERS!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

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Senor Weaselo

AAAAAAAH MY RETINAS—wait, this wasn’t taken during the eclipse, was it?

Unsurprised

No.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What part of Houston is this?

Unsurprised

Palmarina, Turkey. On the Aegean Sea.

Doktor Zymm

Haha, fun fact, posting a comment with Russian characters autogoes to moderation

Senor Weaselo

For science!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

I think I have those same shoes

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sobriety is overrated.
Imma get hammered.
Shit I forgot to call my weed guy, what time is it?
Goddamit!!!!!
Hello vodka.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Well the slide did its job, she slid off.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

I’m going to start smoking cigars, and singing a modified version of Sir Mixalot

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

Most awkward career day presentation.

Unsurprised
blaxabbath

Now I want a “The Pauls Tee. That will be the next big internet cutesy name thing soon.

blaxabbath

I don’t get why the media doesn’t dig in harder to the “Melania would only marry him for the money” story. Like, you want to get under Donald’s skin with an uncomfortable truth? Call him out the very first thing every human on Earth understands THE VERY FIRST TIME they see a photo of that couple! Make him insist on confronting and then trying to explain the most obvious lie about himself that, politics and loyalty-oaths aside, EVERY SUNGLE HUMAN UNDERSTANDS WITH COMPLETE CLARITY IN THEIR CORE.

Rather than bicker about his white trash friend being a full-on 1940’s Nazi vs a modern day Neo-Nazi Confederate.

Doktor Zymm

I don’t think he’s unaware….the whole “grab her by the pussy” debacle was predicated on him being aware of his fame. His money and public image are very much part of him, and he doesn’t mind if that’s why people like him or marry him.

blaxabbath

Oh shit, that is interesting.

No wonder you’re a doctor.

Doktor Zymm

Eh, I’m not that kind of doctor. But politics is a super fun spectator sport, and he’s a weird dude.

Doktor Zymm

I miscalculated on these bourbon pours. The gym in 7.5 hours is not going to be fun….

blaxabbath

Climb the rope!

Senor Weaselo

You should pour during the gym, and then it’ll be a lot of fun!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

I’ve actually downed a 12 pack while on a treadmill over the course of about 2 hours before. Worst hangover ever.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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blaxabbath

What’s notify me of follow up comments? Like a email?

Romonobyl

Carrier pigeon.

ballsofsteelandfury

As long as it’s not a chicken…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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I didn’t semen that coming.

blaxabbath

You’re all no good

King Hippo

It’s damned hard to get inside a pigeon. I mean, so I hear…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Goodfeather

Doktor Zymm

I’m having a vague Animaniacs memory?

Unsurprised

Indeed. The bit was called Goodfeathers.

Unsurprised

I don’t remember the theme song being so lame, though.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICDbmcaBRu8

Senor Weaselo

Chicken Boo on the other hand, solid theme song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45bUOIK2cAo

Unsurprised

I just remembered that this is Norm Macdonald’s character in The Mike Tyson Mysteries.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

As an American, I feel bad that I can’t freely associate in the vibrant world of Cricket match fixing

Romonobyl

Evening all. Made the drive home today…eerie to say the least and my area got lucky. Just glad to be back.
Missed the big visit from the prez, I’ll live.

King Hippo

hey, none of us really needs that kind of background check/anal probing, do we?

Romonobyl

Pain in the ass, so to speak.

Doktor Zymm

I hear Melania wore a FLOTUS hat!
Glad you’re good 🙂

blaxabbath

Well….well….WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING KATRINA?!

King Hippo

selling WHITE children at that pizza place with HillyBob DUH ,, smgdh

King Hippo

my post-afternoon beer nap went too long. Now can’t sleep. You suck, life.

Romonobyl

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh jeeeez Moose.
Where the fuck did you find that? No, wait, don’t tell me.

/feels shame for knowing that face
//meh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

Fuck it, fuck work, I’m gonna program an AI that does nothing but bet on high stakes Jai Alai games, and then I’m going to buy a goddamn island

blaxabbath

And WE all could get rich marketing (and starring in) THE MOVIE!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

I wonder what it’s about.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We do know it’s BAFFLING.

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Doktor Zymm

Yup, those look like baffles alright. I’m sad that the plural of bagel is not baggles.

Senor Weaselo

Shit, I forgot how long it’s been since I had a bagel.
/It’s not the bagel as much as the cream cheese
//The doctor better give me a clean bill tomorrow

Doktor Zymm

I have so many questions….is she perched on the edge of a bed, or a cliff? If it’s a cliff, why are they both naked? If it’s a bed, why is she standing up? Did the printers order extra red ink by accident, or are they going to print different weird novels in each primary color?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yet no questions about the animated skeletons. Interesting.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The coloring on the pink shag carpet give an optical illusion of an edge at the angle the artist is portraying the scene. The other question; pink SHAG carpet.

Doktor Zymm

Wait…so they have pink shag carpeting with red walls?!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It IS an unusual mystery.

Redshirt

Wow! That’s a lot of boners.

http://i.imgur.com/sPwgpLj.gif?noredirect

Senor Weaselo

Thank you, Sans.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s not at all disturbing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You mean Sarah or the gif?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes?

Doktor Zymm

Sticking with the back in time theme….athletes who would have had a drastically different career with modern medical tech. Bo Jackson?

herodotus450

Tommy John?

Senor Weaselo

I don’t know, considering he’s the one who got the surgery. But I would say Sandy Koufax.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Chuck Hughes

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No on Bo. I don’t think there was anything they could have done in terms of treatment that would have prevented the blood flow issues that killed his hip.

theeWeeBabySeamus

This is accurate.

Doktor Zymm

I was thinking more that they might have actually caught it day of, which might have made a difference? There it’s not so much better technology as it is paying more attention to injuries when they happen. From what I’ve heard of the injury, they didn’t actually take his account of his hip basically popping out seriously until much later. Still don’t know if that’s something that could be fixed now, such a freak thing to happen.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Redshirt

Agreed. They said when the hip popped in and out, a blood vessel got clogged. Sad thing is the hip only got dislocated because of how powerful Bo was running. If he was any other running back, he would’ve been out for a game with a hip pointer.

That’s how powerful Bo Jackson was. Even his own body couldn’t handle his strength.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’d need to go back and review it, but my understanding was that it wasn’t a dislocation issue primarily, as much as the blood flow to the femoral head (it’s something that does happen unfortunately) causing the rest. Once that is diagnosed, it’s already too far gone. Same thing happens in doggies, btw.

/has inserted plenty of artificial steel hip joints
//wouldn’t recommend football or baseball afterwards

Senor Weaselo

Never count Air Bud out!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

They didn’t consider it because they didn’t think it was physically possible. I’m not sure that they’d still look, but I still want the world where Bo Jackson is league MVP and in Canton.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Mario Mendoza.
Dude could have easily had a career .225 avg with PEDs

/might not understand the question

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

John Thomson

Redshirt

Greg Cook.

Drafted by the Bengals in ’69 by HC Paul Brown and OC Bill Walsh, he messed up his throwing shoulder in Week 3 (like Drew Brees hurt his shoulder playing for the Chargers). In 2017, he would’ve been diagnosed with a separated shoulder, had surgery, rehabbed, and been back in a few weeks. In 1969, he played through it, earning AFL Rookie of the Year, but messing up his shoulder so bad he couldn’t play again. Many people suspect it may have cost the Bengals a Super Bowl.

There’s a story that Bill Walsh would show Joe Montana video of Greg Cook playing to show how he wanted him to play. Later in his career, someone asked Joe Montana how it felt to be the best QB ever and he responded, “According to my coach, you should go to Cincinnati and ask some guy named Greg Cook.”

Wakezilla

Bobby Orr

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Tommy Blackstock

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nicholas Bochatay

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Wilf Slack

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Stephen Hevenor

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Bert Yancey

Col. Duke LaCross

Any ideas for any semi-offensive fantasy team names out there? I’m fresh outta ideas.

...

Joe Buck Yourself is an evergreen choice.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Landry Jonestown Massacre

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Stone Cold Steve Auschwitz

Redshirt

Pete Rose’s Windowless Van of Fun

Doktor Zymm

How semi?

herodotus450

Somewhere between Favre and Visanthe Shiancoe

herodotus450

The Montclair Pedroias

Col. Duke LaCross

Thinking about going back to some of my more successful ones like “Sex Nuts And Retard Strong” or “The Legion of Poon.” But I’m trying to come up with some new shit.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Mixon It Up With the Ladies

Doktor Zymm

I should watch more rugby just so I can drop casual comments about hookers into conversation

Senor Weaselo

And Civil War re-enactments!

...

I think the final Simpsons episode should be Homer’s CTE from repeated headblows during the 50 or however many fucking seasons that show will run driving him to murder everyone in Springfield. It would be the perfect follow for NFL football!

Wakezilla

Hot take: One day contract retirement deals are dumb. If you don’t play a game for the team, does it really count.

Doktor Zymm

Instead of the Hall of Fame game, they could play the game with retired players, all on one day contracts!

Duchess

Losing team members are banned from ever getting into the HoF

Wakezilla

I’d be down and would watch an old timers football game

theeWeeBabySeamus

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litre_cola

Evenin

...

What’s the most ironic sports players name?

I say no one beats former MLB pitcher Grant Balfour.

Senor Weaselo

Similarly, Nick Swisher.

herodotus450

I just got it; I’m gonna go with Michal Jordán

...

Speaking of traveling back in time, I’d do it just to see if Harry Caray got as shitfaced on a regular basis as the stories say he did.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’d materialize on that famous Wade Boggs flight.

Duchess

Thought Stoney was the real drinker of the two

...

If so, then it surprises me that he doesn’t get along with Hawk “I only do road games now because driving to South Bend loaded from Comiskey is too difficult now” Harrelson.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This begets another interesting draft topic: which sports-related but NOT ACTUAL SPORTS event would you go back in time to witness. Who Will Sex Mutumbo being my second round pick.

Senor Weaselo

It’s been awhile since we had fun with a mock draft…

litre_cola

Yeah not since you know where.

Senor Weaselo

We had the election write-in draft, that was a thing!

Doktor Zymm

And I totally dropped the ball and let Entropy get the Vetinari pick

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Even though I was actually there when it happened, I’ll still take that time Steve Young politely asked someone not to say anything bad about Joe Montana.”

– Peter King

Doktor Zymm

Someone asked me recently what band/artist/whatever I would want to be able to go back in time and see. There are lots of good answers to that, but right now I’m going with Op Ivy.

Senor Weaselo

Mine’s gotta be ELP if we’re doing non-Classical only. Otherwise has to be Heifetz.

Doktor Zymm

Yeah, I kind of assumed it was non-Classical. Scope gets too big otherwise.

Senor Weaselo

That’s why I didn’t go Paganini, Liszt, Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, and most importantly, everyone’s girl Hildy von B. I figured keep it 20th-Century at the least.

herodotus450

smh if the song of illuvatar by melkor doesn’t count then maybe ioll just take my lamps and go home

Duchess

A Rat Pack Vegas show

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This would make an interesting draft topic. In order to make my answer more interesting, I’m going to eliminate any classic rock shows. That done, I’ll take Arcade Fire during their emergent tour.

scotchnaut
litre_cola

The Specials in London would be alright.

Unsurprised

Biggie Smalls

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

GODDAMNIT WILL THE FUCKING FOOTBALL SEASON START ALREADY?

Shogun Marcus

If I have to endure anymore of Iron Fist’s shitty dialogue, I just might watch jags and browns games with a side of jests.

Unsurprised

You couldn’t pay me to watch another superhero series or movie.

Doktor Zymm

Week 1 predictions :
1) Racial slurs are heard in Foxboro
2) Jameis Winston gets raped by an actual dolphin when he visits Sea World
3) Putin gets hired by the CFL, cause hey, they guy’s got a Super Bowl Ring!
4) The Eagles and the Seahawks realize they are the same bird, merge teams, no one notices

Unsurprised

4) Gestalt of undistilled, shithead fans.

Doktor Zymm

Do people still name their kids “Chad”?

herodotus450

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litre_cola

Middle name. 1st name The

Shogun Marcus

Last name Hanging. Hey-O!

Redshirt

(opens Internet and sees 49ers-Steelers trade)

“God, if the Steelers somehow traded away Le’Veon Bell, I will build an altar to Your Name where I will feed and clothe the homeless.”

(reads the story)

“Oh, screw God, the 49ers, the Steelers and the homeless!”

Senor Weaselo

THERE IS NO GOD BUT BLEERGH.

Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

Using a thicker variant of the font was my idea.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hey have you talked to Blaxabbath about doing these for Quotables?

Unsurprised
JustStopDude

Comrade Detective is pretty fucking amazing. I’ve been binge watching since work.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Grumble grumble Dickerson? Who do you think I am, Marc Trestman grumble grumble?”

– Bill Belichick

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I see Dan Fouts is as timely and effective with criticism as he was in the playoffs.

Shogun Marcus

Timely? How about Dickerson “retiring” 20+ years after retiring?

Senor Weaselo

We never asked, did he get to RAM IT?

LemonJello

Imaginary Internet Friends!
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How are we doing this evening?

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m powered up

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think I’m imaginary

litre_cola

Would power up.

Duchess

`

WouldWood power up.

FTFY

Unsurprised

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scotchnaut

TOO QUIET? Here’s some noize.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxgMGk9JPVA

scotchnaut

Did you notice how ‘come’ is spelled?

Tiger stripe pants went out of fashion way too soon.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

DID SOMEBODY SAY…oh. Never mind.

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Senor Weaselo

“Shit, I’m feeling the noize.” -Quoted from the Quiet Riot porn parody, Down to Bone