NFL News:
- The Lions have agreed to pay Matt Stafford $135 million in a five-year extension.
- That’s $27 million per year, or 16% of the team’s 2017 salary cap if the rules were strictly followed.
- It includes a $50 million signing bonus, with a bunch of cap-affecting tricks like bonuses & workout targets factored in, and is $60 million guaranteed regardless.
- That’s $27 million per year, or 16% of the team’s 2017 salary cap if the rules were strictly followed.
- The Cowboys – Texans game has officially been moved from Houston to Dallas.
- Concern for the League is the Texans’ home opener versus the Jags on September 10.
- Dan Fouts has publicly called the Carson relocation an “embarrassment” to the League & for the Spanos’.
- To maintain good graces & avoid getting every December Buffalo broadcast, he blames the city of San Diego as well for the team’s departure.
- Eric Dickerson signed a one-day contract & retired as a member of the LA Rams.
- Let the quest for 0-16 commence: Josh McCown has been named the Jets starter for Week-1.
Finally, in what may have been the shortest CFL coaching career in the modern era, Art Briles was released by the Hamilton Tiger-Cats yesterday evening. It seems the team & league were unaware there was going to be any backlash.
- I guess they forgot that Canada doesn’t worship college athletics the same way MAGA-nation does. There’s actual scrutiny!
- It’s harder to hide academic violations at U of C than U*NC, or five dead hookers at SFX than SMU.
Tonight’s sports:
- Baseball:
- Red Sox at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
- U.S. Open Tennis:
- First-round play – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN
- WWE:
- SmackDown – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
- Basketball:
- FIBA AmeriCup 2017:
- Uruguay vs. U.S. – 7:30PM | ESPNU
- FIBA AmeriCup 2017:
It’s kinda quiet ahead of the fourth preseason game. A LITTLE TOO QUIET!
Half the reason I finally caved in and joined twitter (1 week ago) was that if DPRK goes all in I can at least have time to make a few more dick jokes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtotpiSL700
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmH9FeBq3Bg
Hey, remember Justified? Specifically, the Jackie Nevada part?
No, but I wish I did.
This commercial cracks me up; this chick would rather be Freighthopping with her dog in an empty boxcar than riding with her stupid husband in his stupid Subaru Outback to visit her stupid in-laws at their stupid cabin. What’s the O/U on how long til the divorce?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_wCVULh26s
Hopefully she left a time bomb in the backseat.
He doesn’t even show up til after the car does and then his appearance is timed with the line “If you want me tonight I’m yours; (husband shows up in her daydream) for as long as I can be”
Helen of Train: The face that launched 1,000 bindles.
— Tomsula’s Iliad.
I feel like Helen of Train is going to have to do a guest spot in our next Jim Tomsula bit.
I can make a whole thing. Tomsula’s not the only hobo, and it’s also a poignant if also maddening statement at how shitty the NFL treats its castoffs.
Todd Marinovich could totally be Hector to Tomsula’s Achilles.
“You’re damn right he ain’t!” -Ed Reed
Ajax?
http://orig11.deviantart.net/ea78/f/2016/144/d/9/ima_spell_it_out_for_ya__by_nascent_evo-da3mgie.jpg
Goddammit Spotify, could you actually, you know, work?
http://www.olsenhome.com/gif/pronounce-gif.gif
Final thought : I bet Rodin’s “The Thinker” had really tight pecs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnSipkap9w0
I’m gonna go pee, brush my teeth, go to sleep, then wake up hung over at 5 am! GOODNIGHT PEOPLE WHO PROBABLY DON’T HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THEIR MOTHERS!
AAAAAAAH MY RETINAS—wait, this wasn’t taken during the eclipse, was it?
No.
What part of Houston is this?
Palmarina, Turkey. On the Aegean Sea.
Haha, fun fact, posting a comment with Russian characters autogoes to moderation
For science!
I think I have those same shoes
Sobriety is overrated.
Imma get hammered.
Shit I forgot to call my weed guy, what time is it?
Goddamit!!!!!
Hello vodka.
Well the slide did its job, she slid off.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfb9eEevvMk
I’m going to start smoking cigars, and singing a modified version of Sir Mixalot
Most awkward career day presentation.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOQ_XBDv1XU
Fuck it.
Now I want a “The Pauls Tee. That will be the next big internet cutesy name thing soon.
I don’t get why the media doesn’t dig in harder to the “Melania would only marry him for the money” story. Like, you want to get under Donald’s skin with an uncomfortable truth? Call him out the very first thing every human on Earth understands THE VERY FIRST TIME they see a photo of that couple! Make him insist on confronting and then trying to explain the most obvious lie about himself that, politics and loyalty-oaths aside, EVERY SUNGLE HUMAN UNDERSTANDS WITH COMPLETE CLARITY IN THEIR CORE.
Rather than bicker about his white trash friend being a full-on 1940’s Nazi vs a modern day Neo-Nazi Confederate.
I don’t think he’s unaware….the whole “grab her by the pussy” debacle was predicated on him being aware of his fame. His money and public image are very much part of him, and he doesn’t mind if that’s why people like him or marry him.
Oh shit, that is interesting.
No wonder you’re a doctor.
Eh, I’m not that kind of doctor. But politics is a super fun spectator sport, and he’s a weird dude.
I miscalculated on these bourbon pours. The gym in 7.5 hours is not going to be fun….
Climb the rope!
You should pour during the gym, and then it’ll be a lot of fun!
I’ve actually downed a 12 pack while on a treadmill over the course of about 2 hours before. Worst hangover ever.
What’s notify me of follow up comments? Like a email?
Carrier pigeon.
As long as it’s not a chicken…
I didn’t semen that coming.
You’re all no good
It’s damned hard to get inside a pigeon. I mean, so I hear…
Goodfeather
I’m having a vague Animaniacs memory?
Indeed. The bit was called Goodfeathers.
I don’t remember the theme song being so lame, though.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICDbmcaBRu8
Chicken Boo on the other hand, solid theme song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45bUOIK2cAo
I just remembered that this is Norm Macdonald’s character in The Mike Tyson Mysteries.
As an American, I feel bad that I can’t freely associate in the vibrant world of Cricket match fixing
Evening all. Made the drive home today…eerie to say the least and my area got lucky. Just glad to be back.
Missed the big visit from the prez, I’ll live.
hey, none of us really needs that kind of background check/anal probing, do we?
Pain in the ass, so to speak.
I hear Melania wore a FLOTUS hat!
Glad you’re good 🙂
Well….well….WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING KATRINA?!
selling WHITE children at that pizza place with HillyBob DUH ,, smgdh
my post-afternoon beer nap went too long. Now can’t sleep. You suck, life.
Oh jeeeez Moose.
Where the fuck did you find that? No, wait, don’t tell me.
/feels shame for knowing that face
//meh
Fuck it, fuck work, I’m gonna program an AI that does nothing but bet on high stakes Jai Alai games, and then I’m going to buy a goddamn island
And WE all could get rich marketing (and starring in) THE MOVIE!
I wonder what it’s about.
We do know it’s BAFFLING.
Yup, those look like baffles alright. I’m sad that the plural of bagel is not baggles.
Shit, I forgot how long it’s been since I had a bagel.
/It’s not the bagel as much as the cream cheese
//The doctor better give me a clean bill tomorrow
I have so many questions….is she perched on the edge of a bed, or a cliff? If it’s a cliff, why are they both naked? If it’s a bed, why is she standing up? Did the printers order extra red ink by accident, or are they going to print different weird novels in each primary color?
Yet no questions about the animated skeletons. Interesting.
The coloring on the pink shag carpet give an optical illusion of an edge at the angle the artist is portraying the scene. The other question; pink SHAG carpet.
Wait…so they have pink shag carpeting with red walls?!
It IS an unusual mystery.
Wow! That’s a lot of boners.
http://i.imgur.com/sPwgpLj.gif?noredirect
Thank you, Sans.
http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/judge-dismisses-sarah-palins-lawsuit-against-new-york-times/ar-AAqWPra?OCID=ansmsnnews11
That’s not at all disturbing.
You mean Sarah or the gif?
Yes?
Sticking with the back in time theme….athletes who would have had a drastically different career with modern medical tech. Bo Jackson?
Tommy John?
I don’t know, considering he’s the one who got the surgery. But I would say Sandy Koufax.
Chuck Hughes
No on Bo. I don’t think there was anything they could have done in terms of treatment that would have prevented the blood flow issues that killed his hip.
This is accurate.
I was thinking more that they might have actually caught it day of, which might have made a difference? There it’s not so much better technology as it is paying more attention to injuries when they happen. From what I’ve heard of the injury, they didn’t actually take his account of his hip basically popping out seriously until much later. Still don’t know if that’s something that could be fixed now, such a freak thing to happen.
Agreed. They said when the hip popped in and out, a blood vessel got clogged. Sad thing is the hip only got dislocated because of how powerful Bo was running. If he was any other running back, he would’ve been out for a game with a hip pointer.
That’s how powerful Bo Jackson was. Even his own body couldn’t handle his strength.
I’d need to go back and review it, but my understanding was that it wasn’t a dislocation issue primarily, as much as the blood flow to the femoral head (it’s something that does happen unfortunately) causing the rest. Once that is diagnosed, it’s already too far gone. Same thing happens in doggies, btw.
/has inserted plenty of artificial steel hip joints
//wouldn’t recommend football or baseball afterwards
Never count Air Bud out!
They didn’t consider it because they didn’t think it was physically possible. I’m not sure that they’d still look, but I still want the world where Bo Jackson is league MVP and in Canton.
Mario Mendoza.
Dude could have easily had a career .225 avg with PEDs
/might not understand the question
John Thomson
Greg Cook.
Drafted by the Bengals in ’69 by HC Paul Brown and OC Bill Walsh, he messed up his throwing shoulder in Week 3 (like Drew Brees hurt his shoulder playing for the Chargers). In 2017, he would’ve been diagnosed with a separated shoulder, had surgery, rehabbed, and been back in a few weeks. In 1969, he played through it, earning AFL Rookie of the Year, but messing up his shoulder so bad he couldn’t play again. Many people suspect it may have cost the Bengals a Super Bowl.
There’s a story that Bill Walsh would show Joe Montana video of Greg Cook playing to show how he wanted him to play. Later in his career, someone asked Joe Montana how it felt to be the best QB ever and he responded, “According to my coach, you should go to Cincinnati and ask some guy named Greg Cook.”
Bobby Orr
Tommy Blackstock
Nicholas Bochatay
Wilf Slack
Stephen Hevenor
Bert Yancey
Any ideas for any semi-offensive fantasy team names out there? I’m fresh outta ideas.
Joe Buck Yourself is an evergreen choice.
Landry Jonestown Massacre
Stone Cold Steve Auschwitz
Pete Rose’s Windowless Van of Fun
How semi?
Somewhere between Favre and Visanthe Shiancoe
The Montclair Pedroias
Thinking about going back to some of my more successful ones like “Sex Nuts And Retard Strong” or “The Legion of Poon.” But I’m trying to come up with some new shit.
Mixon It Up With the Ladies
I should watch more rugby just so I can drop casual comments about hookers into conversation
And Civil War re-enactments!
I think the final Simpsons episode should be Homer’s CTE from repeated headblows during the 50 or however many fucking seasons that show will run driving him to murder everyone in Springfield. It would be the perfect follow for NFL football!
Hot take: One day contract retirement deals are dumb. If you don’t play a game for the team, does it really count.
Instead of the Hall of Fame game, they could play the game with retired players, all on one day contracts!
Losing team members are banned from ever getting into the HoF
I’d be down and would watch an old timers football game
Evenin
What’s the most ironic sports players name?
I say no one beats former MLB pitcher Grant Balfour.
Similarly, Nick Swisher.
I just got it; I’m gonna go with Michal Jordán
Speaking of traveling back in time, I’d do it just to see if Harry Caray got as shitfaced on a regular basis as the stories say he did.
I’d materialize on that famous Wade Boggs flight.
Thought Stoney was the real drinker of the two
If so, then it surprises me that he doesn’t get along with Hawk “I only do road games now because driving to South Bend loaded from Comiskey is too difficult now” Harrelson.
This begets another interesting draft topic: which sports-related but NOT ACTUAL SPORTS event would you go back in time to witness. Who Will Sex Mutumbo being my second round pick.
It’s been awhile since we had fun with a mock draft…
Yeah not since you know where.
We had the election write-in draft, that was a thing!
And I totally dropped the ball and let Entropy get the Vetinari pick
“Even though I was actually there when it happened, I’ll still take that time Steve Young politely asked someone not to say anything bad about Joe Montana.”
– Peter King
Someone asked me recently what band/artist/whatever I would want to be able to go back in time and see. There are lots of good answers to that, but right now I’m going with Op Ivy.
Mine’s gotta be ELP if we’re doing non-Classical only. Otherwise has to be Heifetz.
Yeah, I kind of assumed it was non-Classical. Scope gets too big otherwise.
That’s why I didn’t go Paganini, Liszt, Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, and most importantly, everyone’s girl Hildy von B. I figured keep it 20th-Century at the least.
smh if the song of illuvatar by melkor doesn’t count then maybe ioll just take my lamps and go home
A Rat Pack Vegas show
This would make an interesting draft topic. In order to make my answer more interesting, I’m going to eliminate any classic rock shows. That done, I’ll take Arcade Fire during their emergent tour.
HUEY!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLQWGoysbgM
The Specials in London would be alright.
Biggie Smalls
GODDAMNIT WILL THE FUCKING FOOTBALL SEASON START ALREADY?
If I have to endure anymore of Iron Fist’s shitty dialogue, I just might watch jags and browns games with a side of jests.
You couldn’t pay me to watch another superhero series or movie.
Week 1 predictions :
1) Racial slurs are heard in Foxboro
2) Jameis Winston gets raped by an actual dolphin when he visits Sea World
3) Putin gets hired by the CFL, cause hey, they guy’s got a Super Bowl Ring!
4) The Eagles and the Seahawks realize they are the same bird, merge teams, no one notices
4) Gestalt of undistilled, shithead fans.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXBEqMtOk5g&ab_channel=auritone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Df3j9vCcIM&ab_channel=kittynole
Do people still name their kids “Chad”?
Middle name. 1st name The
Last name Hanging. Hey-O!
(opens Internet and sees 49ers-Steelers trade)
“God, if the Steelers somehow traded away Le’Veon Bell, I will build an altar to Your Name where I will feed and clothe the homeless.”
(reads the story)
“Oh, screw God, the 49ers, the Steelers and the homeless!”
THERE IS NO GOD BUT BLEERGH.
Using a thicker variant of the font was my idea.
Hey have you talked to Blaxabbath about doing these for Quotables?
No. I don’t know.
https://gfycat.com/@unsurprised/all_quotables
Comrade Detective is pretty fucking amazing. I’ve been binge watching since work.
“Grumble grumble Dickerson? Who do you think I am, Marc Trestman grumble grumble?”
– Bill Belichick
I see Dan Fouts is as timely and effective with criticism as he was in the playoffs.
Timely? How about Dickerson “retiring” 20+ years after retiring?
We never asked, did he get to RAM IT?
Imaginary Internet Friends!
How are we doing this evening?
I’m powered up
I think I’m imaginary
Would power up.
`
FTFY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDsSrCFvz_A&ab_channel=DanielKovacs
TOO QUIET? Here’s some noize.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxgMGk9JPVA
Did you notice how ‘come’ is spelled?
Tiger stripe pants went out of fashion way too soon.
Buffalo keeps the flame alive, as Zubaz is their heir.
DID SOMEBODY SAY…oh. Never mind.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KgwO0N6e8U
“Shit, I’m feeling the noize.” -Quoted from the Quiet Riot porn parody, Down to Bone