Your “Tomorrow Might Not Be Here For You” Thursday Evening Open Thread

Slight hangover…no scratches or cuff marks…note from wife about snoring…VICTORY!

NFL News:

  • Ezekiel Elliott’s appeal hearing has finally ended.
    • Under the rules, the arbitrator has five working days to release his ruling. Pressure from both sides is coming to have it decided by Monday.
    • Most of the comments under Schefter’s tweet related to Fantasy Drafts this Sunday.

  • The Steelers have extended GM Kevin Colbert through 2020.
    • Signing Joe Haden five minutes after his release pretty much cinched the deal.
  • Animal rights groups have started a change.org petition to try & force FOX to drop Michael Vick from its broadcast team.
    • It already has 75000 signatures.
      • In comparison the petition from mental-health professionals to demand Trump resign due to his “obvious” mental health condition only has 61000 signatures.
    • The “fuck off, losers” from FOX Sports head Eric Shanks is phrased thusly:

“Over the last 10 or 11 years, not only has he paid his debt to society, but he’s done everything a person who has made a terrible mistake like that can do. We felt it was the right person at the right time for us,” Shanks told USA Today.

  • Reports out of Seattle have the Seahawks looking for trade offers for players like Jeremy Lane and Jermaine Kearse.
    • The Browns appear interested in Kearse, who has a base salary of $2.2 million, and need someone for DeShone Kizer to throw at.

Game Preview: Rams at Packers

In a case of two teams on vastly different trajectories, the SBNation blogs for these teams tell the true story.

Beyond the usual game previews, Turf Show Times leads with a story on their 2018 Rams mock draft. They also highly tout the return of Eric Dickerson to the fold, and are still wondering if & when Aaron Donald will PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! end his holdout. In short, I think these folks will be happy with 5-11. Tonight’s moral victory of staying close will guide them into Week-1.

Over at the Acme Packing Company, they are looking at bubble players in the few spots actually open for starting competition. They rave in “Cheese Curds” about the signing Wednesday of former 49er Ahmad Brooks, and marvel at how Aaron Rodgers said lots of words but actually very little in his ESPN interview. They are looking at the Seahawks already, and I don’t think starters will see much more than one series, and only because they are playing at home. If this game were in LA, Aaron would be dressed in streets & texting his Baywatch ladyfriend.


Game preview: Seahawks at Raiders.

Over at the Field Gulls, they are too wrapped up in trade rumours to be looking ahead to the Packers in Week-1. The big story prior to cutdown day is “Could Seahawks add Sheldon Richardson if they parted with Jermaine Kearse?” There is a fuck-ton of math involved, and I’m not Frankly, I don’t care, because the other main story is “Seahawks in for another 3rd string showdown against Raiders on Thursday“, which means the game will suck from the Seahawks side, as Pete Carroll & the coaching kids will be student-driving the players they are monitoring, to see how they handle mismatches thrown their way. Boykin is probably going to get killed.

The only interesting thing on the site is a discussion of something called the “Regenokine process”, which Dok Zymm will elaborate on in the comments. (PLEASE!) In sum, it’s where “anti-inflammatory factors are removed from the patient’s blood, manipulated, and then reinjected into the painful areas,” according to the Stem Cell Institute. To me, it sounds like something that would get Lance Armstrong back into & then immediately kicked out of the Tour de France again.

Over at Silver and Black Pride, the sadly named future Vegas Raiders site, surprising little on Marshawn Lynch at this late date. A couple of stories about Derek Carr, Matt Stafford & salary, and the usual falderal about roster moves prior to Opening Day. Also, there’s signs of the impending move’s acceptance and monetization, with the promotion for sale of this shirt:

 

And the advertising is just as sad:

No matter where life takes you, you never forget where you came from. Rep the one and only original ‘Nation’ from where it all began with the ‘Oakland: Birthplace of a Nation’ T-shirt.

Whether you’re from Oakland or elsewhere, if you rep the Silver & Black, you’re all on the same side. You’re all part of the same Nation.

But there is a touching short article about Sebastian Janikowski, who is entering his 18th year and still sports an 80% field goal average.


Game Preview: Word Association division

For the games not broadcast on NFL Network, I thought I’d try and draw comparisons to everyday objects & emotions, to help us better understand the trajectory these teams are looking to take this upcoming season, based on how their second- and third-stringers will look tonight.

  • EAGLES AT JETS – green shit
  • JAGUARS AT FALCONS – southern fried shit
  • BENGALS AT COLTS – runny, lumpy shit
  • LIONS AT BILLS – polluted shit
  • STEELERS AT PANTHERS – interesting shit
  • GIANTS AT PATRIOTS – the Jimmy Garoppoo-poo show
  • [*Redacted] S AT BUCCANEERS – diseased shit
  • DOLPHINS AT VIKINGS – fishy shit
  • RAVENS AT SAINTS – elite shit
  • BROWNS AT BEARS – tricking the new foreign-exchange kid at school into eating chocolate ex-lax
  • TITANS AT CHIEFS – a shart
  • CARDINALS AT BRONCOS – horse shit
  • CHARGERS AT 49ERS – FUCK BOTH JED YORK & DEAN SPANOS WITH HOT METAL DILDOS!

In short, you may sum up most of these games thusly:


Tonight’s sports:

  • Football:
    • NFL:
      • Rams at Packers – 7:00PM | NFL Network
      • Seahawks at Raiders – 10:00PM | NFL Network
    • NCAA:
      • Tulsa at Oklahoma State – 7:30PM | FS1
      • Ohio State at Indiana – 8:00PM | ESPN
    • CFL:
      • Redblacks at Alouettes – 7:30PM | TSN
  • MLB:
    • Jays at Orioles – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Cardinals at Giants – 10:00PM | Sportsnet360

Loogit that sports schedule – THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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WCS

[Redshirt’s butthole clenches]

King Hippo

pretty sure he could be making diamonds tonight, if’n he has any charcoal in the garage…

Redshirt

Quit staring at my ass, WCS!

King Hippo

Losing to a QB that wears #21. Let that sink in a minute, Urban.

Redshirt

I’m gonna go walk in traffic now..

theeWeeBabySeamus

Heck, I coulda done that.

— Mike Nugent

King Hippo

/also Ted Nugent

Horatio Cornblower

Fuck a teenager he adopted?

King Hippo

Urban will take away all they nut stickers! That’ll learn ’em, but good!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck Toronto. That is all.
Meh, 7 in a row ain’t bad.

King Hippo

Minny up 14-7 on non-NFL Buffalo, mid-Q3. Assuming the Gophers must be a bit shit this year (as most years).

theeWeeBabySeamus

Kill, Kill, Kill….?
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LemonJello

Don’t they have the “Row The Boat” guy as Head Coach now?

Redshirt

Announcer: We’ve replaced the Ohio State Buckeyes with regular students walking around campus. Let’s see if anyone notices.

King Hippo

why call that on 3rd if ya kick on 4th?

WCS

Mike Gundy gives zero fucks:

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King Hippo

are we sure that ain’t Corey Hart??

theeWeeBabySeamus

He do wear ’em at night fo’ sho’.

blackroseMD1

Are we sure it’s not Corey Haim? Based on that score, it certainly seems like his team has a License to Drive.

Also, he kind of looks dead.

Redshirt

Ohio State Nut Fan had the same “Waiting for eminent dread” face I have.

WCS

Hoosiers gonna Hoosier.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Jeebus Orioles mgmt…can you please fire Gary Thorne already?
He just felt the need to tell me that Estrada (Jays’ pitcher) didn’t mean to give up that home run.

FFS dude.

King Hippo

Does this mean Rutgers has a chance tomorrow?

/Washington locker room doubles over laughing

LemonJello

Sure that’s not lingering traces of some of that Schiano/MRSA hybrid that’s reawakened?

WCS

Last season:

@ Ohio State 58-0 L
Michigan 78-0 L
@ Michigan State 49-0 L
Penn State 39-0 L

King Hippo

just tryin to get dem Huskies overconfident!

WCS

They also lost to YOUDUB, 49-14.

nomonkeyfun

That’s some quality football play for the school on the banks of the Raritan.

/only half sarcastic
/Before the Schiano bowl last bowl appearance was 1978
/but they beat the Dining Clubs in the first college game

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL….Indiana.
I mean come on, man.

King Hippo

tOSU’s QB seems kinda shitty

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wonky internet preventing me from enjoying 0-0 Sadness Bowl.

Redshirt

Me: “Wow, UC struggling against an FCS team. That’s embarrassing.”
Ohio State: “Hold my beer and watch this…”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Can we do weekly word association/Rorschach tests this season?

Redshirt

DataOhShit.gif

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I really hope ND eats shit this season and Brian Kelly’s face turns into the color of Apu’s diarrhea again.

My family is Catholic as all hell, and my father used to follow ND because that’s what you do through some odd Vatican II osmosis. For the last 16 years though, he follows Army football religiously and couldn’t be happier.

WCS

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LemonJello

He was a pretty good villain in the Jessica Jones comics.

King Hippo

Hmmmm, maybe we can has game after all? Or at least an Urban Meyer heart episode. Either way, entertain my cracker ass.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Ohio State was apeshit to agree to a Big Ten game on the road on a weeknight as their first game.

WCS

Couldn’t turn down the allure of MEGACAST.

King Hippo

still gonna win by 50

herodotus450

Did they move the normal preseason game to the middle of the season, effectively getting a bye week?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

If you’re 0-1 out of the gate it don’t matter, son.

herodotus450

Always better to lose early. And OSU will seemingly always get the tiebreaker for bowls/playoffs on account of the whole deal being about money first, football second.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

But man, if they fuck up tonight they can easily go 0-2. Got top 10 OU next week.

herodotus450

Oh yeah, forgot about that. I guess they just have to count on IU being terrible. (If Indiana’s defense was good, I would call them the IUD because they prevent little mistakes from becoming life altering ones.)

Unsurprised

(If Indiana’s defense was good, I would call them the IUD because they prevent little mistakes from becoming life altering ones.)

Wow. This is amazing and totally banner-worthy.

LemonJello

Exactly.
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Redshirt

Uh oh.

Horatio Cornblower

Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor is in the right field bleachers at Yankee Stadium. In the Judge section. Wearing her robes.

It is awesome.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I mean I wear a lettuce thong in the Romine section and everyone flips a shit!

LemonJello

You can’t ask repeatedly for people to squeeze your lemons, though.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Oh Baby it was like Studio 54 in the bleachers when Bob Lemon managed!

Senor Weaselo

Goddamn, that’s good.

LemonJello

I was looking for something else, and found this:
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Thought I’d share it with my Imaginary Internet Friends!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sometimes, serendipity is a good thing.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Also, she makes me wanna change from Geelong to Collingwood.
But not that much.

ballsofsteelandfury

BOOOO!!!!

WCS

Landry Jones Pedostache update: it’s developed into a windowless van full face stubble.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I just ate like 1/2 pint of strawberry ice cream. It’s 5:20 here. It’s too early for me to say I had ice cream for dinner, right?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Depends on if you eat the other half or not.

King Hippo

How old are you?

King Hippo

Who the shit is Tom Allen?

LemonJello

Paul and Tim’s lesser known brother?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

scotchnaut

HEY GUYS, I GOT BUFFALO/DETROIT AND I’M GOING TO WATCH IT!

/and I’m sober for the first time in ever
//what went wrong?

King Hippo

LUCKY

herodotus450

Nickname that I would sell part of my soul to make happen: Paris “Accord” Campbell
/Jokes on you, have no soul; only funk

Horatio Cornblower

You should shower more. That’ll take care of the funk.

herodotus450

OSU running back starts his career being compared to Maurice Clarrett. I stop following players once they graduate leave college, so I assume that’s a good thing.

King Hippo

Christ, get a load of how fucking tiny AND WHITE the IU bench is. My 50-point prediction was too optimistic.

litre_cola

So they made it back from Charlottesville in time?

WCS

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I got back from there in time! Oh my God, are those alt-right type such closet queens! Usually when that many white men gather with Tiki torches, it will be like Caligula in 2 hours!

OH wait there was one black guy there, the token cab driver from French Guyana Milo paid to hang with him so he could say he was getting pounded by another black dude! Snoooooze!

King Hippo

they just need a couple tins of Crisco and a techno beat!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I think they wanted to protect the Lee statue because they wanted to fuck him! Too bad he’s on a horse and can’t sit on their faces! With all that copper oxidation, their faces would look like Idi Amin after getting Legionnaire’s Disease!

King Hippo

Hey, see how much you like it when you have your own (very polite) race war!

litre_cola

Sadly we do. Our natives have been treated so poorly fo so long that there is apathy to it all. The Canadian government is just starting to make reparations for residential schools which were abhorrent and that was so long ago. Towns like Thunder Bay are very segregated and very racist. This country is too big and underpopulated for an uprising to happen. It does not compare to what is happening currently in the US, but it reverberates up here.

WCS

I like how TWWL is making it seem like Indiana isn’t going to be completely cornfucked by Ohio State.

This game features MEGACAST, which is even MORE than ULTRACAST and SUPERVIEW.

King Hippo

Hey, this could still be a 3 or 4 score game halfway through the quarter!

litre_cola

Evening internetters, how are we all doing?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Drunk, laughing, and don’t give a shit.
You?

litre_cola

Well, Mrs Cola is exhausted and looks spent. I worked all day at the mail farm, had to go to weed dr, then return something at IKEA, came home, grabbed Decilitre, told her to go rest, got deci to nap, smoked a bowl and am watching something that resembles football.

Got to put in work as I should be away this weekend at the LaboUr day game in Regina.

litre_cola

That is next week in Winnipeg. I am from there but we always meet up in Sasky for the LaboUr day game.

King Hippo

pilled up, enjoying some Burt’s Bees lozenges chuh chuh

Redshirt

Having beer and pizza with John Belushi’s ghost.

Unsurprised

Had a burger and beers and some ice cream and now I’m taking a nap.

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Horatio Cornblower

That eyebrow raise…hnnnnnggghhh

LemonJello

Flipping between fitbawl games.
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Redshirt

Bengals QB #3 is hurt. We are one bad hit away from Cincy going Kaep Alert.

WCS

BRING BACK PRYOR

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ded Honkey?
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King Hippo

Mrs. and/or Mama McCarron would have a taek or too about that I bet ,, smh

King Hippo

Now I am looking forward to Indiana hopefully forgetting it’s not basketball season. Go Fightin’ Archies!! I own a sweatshirt and everything!!!

WCS

Landry Jones: still awful

King Hippo

Did he at least shave the paedo-stache?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m going to be kind of heartbroken if nobody uses Landry Jonestown Massacre as a name for either themselves or their fantasy time. I would but I’m already Mahomes II Men.

ballsofsteelandfury

If I can fit all those characters in Yahoo, I vow to you I will use it in our league.

Unsurprised

Palsy vs. Bears – Chicago players reunions.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Pawwwwlllll!!!!!!
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Unsurprised

That’s the common refrain.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

That actually was a donkey when first purchased.

theeWeeBabySeamus

CHARGERS AT 49ERS – FUCK BOTH JED YORK & DEAN SPANOS WITH HOT METAL DILDOS!

I giggled, yes.

King Hippo

Back to back! BACK TO BACK!!

Unsurprised

Pray for a meteor strike.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

So I finally saw Bad Lieutenant today. I’m still processing it four hours later.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycKGXmtM6hk

King Hippo

Starring Harvey Keitel’s ass, which really should have its own imdb page…

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Keitel makes so many dead serious scenes unintentionally funny. During the traffic stop, I pissed myself laughing when he asked for the girl’s gum so sternly.

blaxabbath

Yeah, let me dig deep when a bunch of billionaires whose stadiums I’m paying for ask me to throw in a few bucks to help out the Enron guys…..

(tongue in cheek — the wife sent underwear so, by law, I helped)

Unsurprised

I ain’t doing shit

nomonkeyfun

Was it used? And if so, I hope it was hers.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I can imagine an El Salvadorian emigrating to the United States becoming a Bills fan based upon the early 90s dynasty.

Also because tailgates there make San Salvador look like Mar-A-Lago.

blaxabbath

“The dude is a human highlight machine. And since we’ve blackballed any written #content, it only makes sense to bring on a guy like Vick to anchor our homepage, which is basically just a minefield of Chevrolet ‘Real* People**, Not*** Actors****’ ads.”

-FOX Sports head Eric Shanks on Michael Vick

LemonJello

Bigger clubbing of baby seals: AARon’s v. RAMIT or Tosu v. Fat Humps JV?

Redshirt

How is Ohio State playing a road game in their first game? A conference road game? Against Indiana of all people?

King Hippo

$$$$$

/like tOSU won’t win by 50, they offense ain’t really one that needs much tuning up, especially against a front line like IU’s,

King Hippo

If you had “under” 2:00 FOAR first Pokes TD, too fucking bad. 2:01

LemonJello

Somebody’s losing their new (Booster-provided) car for that.

Redshirt

Redshirt: “Its the Bengals, Buckeyes and Bearcats playing at the same time. We got a pizza in the oven, half a case of beer, its getting dark, and our pants are unbuttoned.”

Ghost of John Belushi: “Hit it.”

LemonJello

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King Hippo

oh, LemonJello, I really likes her. Watched “Weeds” long after it quit being even mediocre.

/not until the very end though, even I have SOME standards

litre_cola

Where did you get those?

King Hippo

Clearance at K-Mart, next to a masturbating hobo

LemonJello

Tomsula or Reed?

King Hippo

Could well have been Tomsula, I didn’t know him so well back then.

LemonJello

There is something about her that I find alluring and attractive.

JustStopDude

Those online petitions are the dumbest things in the world.

“Oh wow…75000 totally real people signed a digital petition. That almost 0.03% of Americans having an opinion on something!”

Unsurprised

“75000 signatures” mean 74,999 bots and one dipshit.

King Hippo

I am looking forward to BDSM State/Tulsa kickoff. I’m a sick bastard.

Unsurprised

Hey kids!

/Sees Buddy posted at 4am in the evening thread.

Well, fuck …

LemonJello

Hi!
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