Scotchy worked hard all weekend on the liveblogs – 2149 comments! – so I thought I’d give him a break and tie tonight’s matches into my usual falderal.
NFL News:
- The NFL has filed an appeal of the injunction that’s allowed Ezekiel Elliott to remain eligible to play the 2017 season.
- They had to file it in the Fifth Circuit, which is Texas, rather than their preferred venue of New York, which is the Second Circuit, because that court ruled first & against them.
- They applied for an expedited appeal, as the season has started & waiting until the end would make any 2017 punishment meaningless.
- The last time, “expedited” meant 6 months in the Brady case, so look for Zeke to play the whole season, unless something goes awry.
- Finding a third party to blame is the Patriots, who are replacing the turf at Gillette Stadium.
- It “doesn’t meet team standards,” said a spokesperson. The surface is apparently “too soft”.
- Interestingly, the team touted that very feature — it “plays soft, feels real, looks great and hangs tough” — when it announced the installation of the surface this year.
- It should be done in time for their next home game on September 24th. The finest crews in New England shall be ‘recruited’ for the task.
- It “doesn’t meet team standards,” said a spokesperson. The surface is apparently “too soft”.
Finally, this shit from last night was ridiculous.
Game Preview: Saints at Vikings
It’s the AP Bowl, because after 10 years under contract – and 8 years of actual game play – with the Vikings, Minnesota gets to experience what Packer fans felt when the prodigal son returns home. Get ready to see a bunch of yahoos shaking twigs & belts at AP (because child abuse is HILARIOUS!)
Actually looking at the game, each QB has a semblance of a receiving corp to work with. For New Orleans, they’ve got a QB better than his targets. Michael Thomas & Willie Snead are all good, but after that it’s a bit of a drop-off – as evinced by the existence of Ted Ginn Jr. on the Saints roster. This handy graphic dates back to the Panthers, but still should suffice:
Meanwhile, being available for the checkdown is what being a Sam Bradford receiver is all about. Y’know, Alex Smith catches all sorts of shit for his tendency to dink & dunk his passes, but Sam Bradford is right up there, but with a dopier outlook of life.
His #1 receivers are the consistent mix of ebony & ivory that keeps Vikings fans hard & targeted on whom to blame. Stefon Diggs & Adam Thielen will be open on most plays; it’s whether Bradford can find them in time before he decides the third deck should have the chance to catch a pass.
The defences are both suspect, so whichever QB gets hot tonight will probably win their team the game.
Game Preview: Clippers Chargers at Broncos
So, the Chargers… [SKY FLIES OPEN]
Okay then.
The Broncos have a ton of quality receivers, a rebuilt offensive line – including DFO-previewed #1 pick Garett Bolles – and a strong defence that still includes noted chicken aficionado Von Miller and probable chicken killer Aqib Talib. To guide this team they have acquired the finest quarterbacks outside of Junior Floyd. They already had Trevor Siemian & Paxton Lynch under contract, but to really round out the competency,
John Elway went alley-shopping and brought home Brock Ostweiler, $34 million richer but absolutely no better than when he left. As long as the three of them can be trusted to throw balls to the right coloured jerseys, Denver should come out on top.
[Ron Howard voice: They could not be trusted.]
Tonight’s sports:
- NFL:
- Saints at Vikings – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN
- Chargers at Broncos – 10:15PM | ESPN / TSN
- MLB:
- Orioles at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
- Dodgers at Giants – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1
- WWE:
- Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
That’ll wrap up Week-1. Hey games – JUST DON’T SUCK!
And IWDB needs Brees to put up like 60 points to win this week, so be sure to cheer him on.
Breesus Christ hears all prayers, my son.
Swept out the garage, and the street below our stupid pine trees. I think that was a better use of my time than this game so far.
Perfect doing fuckall, Kyle Rudolph. Hippo appreciate. With David Johnson deciding between ded and playing the season one-handed, I really need to hang on to this ONE FUCKING WIN, to ensure I don’t pull a Lions.
/reminder that Jacoby Brissett gon’ be my QB
In honor or Don Ohlmeyer, I’m going to watch Norm make OJ jokes.
40 more points from Breesus and I can win this thing…
75 yard TD to Michael Thomas and you’ve got yourself a deal.
ESPN got their act together, this stream quality is awesome. That or I actually have Wi-Fi that isn’t abject garbage for the first time in forever.
Oh, right, I forgot that we’re sharing someone’s cable – I don’t have to stream this illegally!
You don’t have to, but you should take every chance you can to fuck over ESPN and The Shield.
(that was the joke – sharing cable is also fucking them over)
Yeah, but sharing cable means that someone somewhere is still paying them and the cable company.
I’m using someone else’s Directv login for all my sports streaming needs. Directv can kiss my white ass!
So Drew Brees will throw for 8 million yards with the parking attendants at wide receiver, but unfortunately they have a defense drugged on Seroquel.
Really unfortunately…that would be an improvement over last year’s “wagonload of desiccated corpses”
No one circles the wagon like flies in the Superdome.
Is it weird that I feel more stressed after talking to someone about working to relieve some of the external stress on my life?
RUB-A-DUB-DUB
Gott im Himmel!
I’ve never heard of Brooke Wylde. Why do you ask?
No reason.
/starts typing into the google machine one handed
Dennis Allen seems like a guy who never actually played football but is one of those “whiz kid” guys in terms of understanding the X’s and O’s on a preternatural level, except that he sucks and is a terrible defensive coordinator.
So like if Rain Man was actually stupid in addition to being annoying?
Wish I were in the right time zone to live blog with y’all but fuck it, I’m on vacation. Go Aints!
Enjoy St. Maarten!
Have a great timein Denmark, it is fucking excellent.
THIS SAINTS SECONDARY I CALL THEM SANDUSKY’S SECOND MILE KIDS, BECAUSE THEY’RE TOO INEXPERIENCED TO KNOW WHAT’S COMING!!!!
I see you are in a mood this evening Horatio.
I’m still working. I start a trial tomorrow. Does the stress show?
“Start a trial” = finally get to see if those new boner pills work
“Man I hope so!” -Not Horatio’s wife, that poor woman.
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
/Jim Irsay and Jerry Jones both try to bust through at the same time
I haven’t seen a hit like that since…wait, has Hank Williams Jr. EVER had a hit?
That best hits at that stadium are when regal birds for headlong into the glass facade.
I wonder whether gangs of feral cats loiter outside, or if the feline council has met and deemed it unsporting and is boycotting.
Feline counsel?
I am now imagining Horatio going into court tomorry, and opposing counsel is indeed a cat.
I smell a sitcom! (j/k I farted)
When he pulls out his chair, there’s already a dead bird on it waiting.
Luckily, opposing counsel is easily distracted by laser pointers.
SHITTY CALL. College bullshit bleeding in.
Thats going to cost him. Its ok rookie contracts are guaranteed right?
I’ve seen harder hits than that at Adrian Peterson’s hou…no wait, I’m just making the penalty worse.
Just a smidge over the line on that hit
Wasn’t even a good hit. I thought it was a butttackle at first.
Some about Bradford makes me uneasy…
I can’t put my finger on it…
“Me neither.”
– Jason Pierre-Paul
Uncle Ed says quarterbacks with Injun blood are doomed to peter out in December when the spirits are all around.
That’s why he’ll never get the really big wompum.
His vision quest involves a successful go route.
Of course the Canuck gives SportsNet as an viewing option but would rather be eaten by sharks in Nanaimo Bay before ever typing RDS.
If I don’t get it, I ain’t typing it.
Just saw this on Twitter and thought of Hippo:
minor dilficulties @ruff_bluffs Sep 9
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Bank of America stadium, where your mortgage is like flying into clear glass.
Much better than the new A.A. Ron Rodgers commercial:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yg-TqEFYcfM&ab_channel=BenRinaldiIII
Rodgers having a dog and/or a pickup truck (non-pocket varietal). I’d give you 5:1 odds.
Locally he has both. Confirmed by my own eyeballs.
KUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHNNNNNNNN!!!!
Nice to see the Saints fans cheering on their fullback after a tough 1st down.
Actually Sean, those are Hank Williams Jr. fans bitching about his new backup singer.
Oh my
When Sean Payton tells his running back to switch he gets a feral glean in his eye and looks for a wire hanger in the locker room.
The thing that Adrian Peterson really hates about the cellphone revolution is that it’s a lot harder to get your hands on a good old-fashioned telephone cord.
That and a 5 year old’s screams can now be heard in crystal clear, studio quality sound.
“What kinda phone is that again?”
– Jerry Sandusky
The iPaterno, it has no notifications for the first 40 years though.
I don’t understand Vikings fans booing AP.
Like he is suppose to just stop working when the team cut him?
Those are all his kids.
also, it hardly made your team worse. He’s not good anymore.
I really cannot fucking comprehend the way fans expect players to have any sort of loyalty to any single franchise.
Given the NFL contract structure?? A player has to be half nuts.
“Half nuts? That’s my son’s nickname.”
-A Peterson
“Then I’m ready for the NFL!”
– Lance Armstrong
I am officially an assist man tonight!
I have legitimately missed Jon Gruden.
Is this what Stockholm Syndrome feels like?
It’s what fetal alcohol syndrome feels like. How did you make it past the login screen?
My password is Spider 2 Y Banana.
That my penis’s nickname.
“Erin Andrew’s stalker” is your penis’s nickname? WEIRD.
Yet probably accurate.
It’s been called many things, most commonly “Dammit, this subway car sure is crowded.”
Alternative “Yay, the subway car is crowded enough to get away with it*unzips*”
“Spider? Yeah, I got a decent look…”
– Erin Andrew’s stalker
I think a smart thing to do would be to have a facemask so big that it’s pretty much impossible to tackle you without grabbing it. So basically like this except all facemask.
So, really shitty pizza and amazing wings or great pizza and mediocre wings. What do you do hotshot?
Great pizza.
I concur.
Wings. Just don’t eat the pizza.
Why the fuck are they playing Drop Kick Murphys?
New MNF Audio Producer:
I had similar “the fuck?” thought re the Vikings fans dressed up as purple Blues Brothers.
THAT’S DRAWPKICK MURFFY’S!!!!! ONE WORD YAH FAHCKIN FAHCK!!!!!
“The great Vikings traditions since 2007”
So a long and industrious tradition of oh wow…almost 10 years.
That’s almost geologic age in social media terms.
I see that they let Hank Williams, Jr. back on but insisted that he have at least one black guy with him. Racism is solved people!
Hank Williams Jr is proof that talent skips a generation.
That black guy is just to remind people of what life would be like if “The South Would Have Won”, namely that he’d be their property.
It wasn’t Charlie Pride I hope. I mean it’s right in the name FFS.
(and you listen to that steel guitar and you weep….WEEP DAMMIT!!!!)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIn_PyTC0Z4
My granddaddy had lots of Charlie Pride records. He was COOL AS FUCK.
Jeebus, please tell me I’m not stroking out …it that Hank Williams Jr on teevee?
/is that burnt toast I’m smelling?
they figured they put the equally reprehensible – BUT BLACK – Puff Daddy (or whatevs he call hisself now) on beside him, it’s all hunky dory
His name is Puffy. It will ALWAYS be Puffy no matter what he says.
If either of my infant children were afraid of the dog I’d have floated them out to sea.
That commercial enrages me irrationally. IT’S A GOLDEN RETRIEVER. JESUS. Shoulda formaldehyded that kid like they did in the old country.
You folks can watch the monday night shitshows. Yours truly is gonna be watching Cena v. BRAUUUUUUUUUUN, who has gotten three (3) great matches out of the 45-year-old Big Show in the year of our Lord, 2017.
I guessed Big Show was at least 50. That he’s even 45 is proof that medical science is fucking amazing.
I think he gets heart surgery like every 3 years or some shit. He sees the writing on the wall.
It’s fun to watch football while listening to Cenk Uygur blow up HRC’s new book.
Cenk is a pretentious asshole too. Fire him into the sun along with whoever thought HillyBob’s book was a good goddamned idea.
Nice that that BUFF was headed out to dump a couple tons of JDAMS in the sandbox right as the anthem ended.
ner femt?
Missing some fans to hold up white sites huh…
ESPN is running a Spanish-language version of MNF on ESPN2.
Oh I just can’t wait for Twitter’s calm and well-reasoned reaction to this, and on 9/11 no less.
BRB, gotta take a knee for the anthem.
everybody knows Mexico wuz makin’ tacos fer Osama!!!11
Spanish announcing has to be better than whatever excrement is spewed in English.
Shit, I forgot all about 9/11.
you can run to Target for a card at halftime
Dollar Tree don’t got none? That two shitty cards for a buck deal is hard to pass up. Plus, the terrorists own Hallmark now anyway.
Or was that the Jews? I dunno, it’s all very confusing.
Let’s watch some fitbawwlllll.
Roses are red
Violets are violet
You’ll lose you some towers
With a Muslim pilot
(ppl forget that) optional!!
Long as you didn’t forget about Dre.
Maybe I’m just up in the night, but did they ditch the headsets and lip mics in the booth for old-fashioned Carl Monday-style stick mics?
HAPPY 9/11 ONE AND ALL!!
I hope everyone enjoyed a nice round of Seal Team Six on the Shelf with friends, family, and/or co-workers on this special holiday.
Now let us enjoy it, with no more than 10 fantasy points more scored by Infidel TE Kyle Rudolph than PK/all around great guy/possible Hidden Imam Brandon McManus.
Not for nothing, but Suzy lookin’ good tonight.
She is looking quite fetching.
She better hope that Sam Bradford doesn’t start strugg-a-ling…
Early footbawwww! Yeahhh.
followed by LATE bonus footbaw! My kinda 9/11!!
Hmm. On one hand, the Fifth Circuit is going to be Texas homers. On the other, it’s insanely hostile to labor. However, this is the NFL we’re discussing, and they’ll surely find a way to trip over their own dicks and lose anyway.
This wasn’t as amazing as that catch, but I still love this feat of athleticism by Adoree’ Jackson.
My brother was friends with a linebacker when he was at USC, and I remember watching a game where this guy, Omar, leapt over the line – he was crouched, but it wasn’t a running jump – to try and sack the QB, but his right foot caught a lineman’s pads and so he just missed.
I’m impressed with the Raiders kicker getting his head in there to try to make the stop. And that’s not Seabass – it’s newly signed Georgio “It’s-a-me” Tavecchio, who probably weighs about 100 lbs less than the Polish Cannon.
that is a fucking great nickname
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uq0o6zgYIl0
I knew I could count on you.
It’s what I do. Video games, wrestling, Victorian poetry. I’m all about the toxic masculinity right here.
My favorite Broncos gif.
This is one of my favorite Quotables ever.
That’s extraordinary.