I hope you enjoyed last week’s hefty smorgasbord, but the pickings are way the fuck thinner this weekend, at least the Saturday portion. Onwards we go, nonetheless!
Palace and Soton open things up (7:30, NBCSN), with the former sporting a new manager after collecting ZERO points from the first four fixtures. Saints have 5, good for 13th position, so nobody will blame you for sleeping in.
Back to only one televised match in the 10:00 window (NBCSN), surprising 4th position Watford hosting Man City (in 2nd based on goal differential to United). The Moose Hornets have stepped into a vacuum of sorts left by stumblers the likes of Arsenal and fucking Everton. City should represent a tall order, but I’d expect a real fight in this one. If you’ve paid for NBC Sports Gold like a sucker (see Hippo, King) then Huddersfield Town v. Leicester is a decent second match to stream in the background.
Spurs and Swans are the big NBC game (12:30), but my affiliate is showing NC State/Furman JV NFL instead. Swans are garbage, so I can hardly blame them.
Sunday Funday is where all the prime action resides, with the nameless (but fierce) Derby between Arsenal and Chelsea (8:30, CNBC) followed by Wayne Rooney’s return with Everton to Old Trafford to face Romelu Lukaku’s United (10:55, NBCSN). Chelsea are in 3rd and look to cement their status as a contender to repeat as champions, whilst 11th position Arsenal need to fight off wolves at the doorstep. My Toffees…are just a hot fucking mess and their table position (combined with United being first) are proof positive of just how many problems a monster like Big Rom papers over.
I still miss and love the big guy, and watching this match will hurt like hell on many fucking levels.
Oklahoma State at Pitt (Noon, ESPN)
It’s a testament to just how bad this window is that this game is being highlighted. BDSM State should win by 4-5 TDs. I will watch my shitty wolves play, and likely struggle against, their 1-AA foe.
UCLA at Memphis (Noon, ABC)
Come for the Chosen Rosen, stay for the…Chosen Rosen.
SMU at TCU (3:30, ESPNU)
It seems like a bunch of ponies would freak the fuck out over a bunch of eye-blood shootin’ horny toads, does it not? But shit, I want to see it happen. Entropy, WOO!!
Tennessee at Florida (3:30, CBS)
Both of these sides are (barely) ranked. Do not expect that to last very much longer. But maybe we get some entertainment for old times’ sake.
LSU at Mississippi State (7:00, ESPN)
Here’s a fixture with a recent history of being all cray-cray. Dunno if Dan Mullen has the Cowbells re-stocked enough to compete yet, or if having DAK! was a once in a lifetime window for him/them. If so, hey, they always have the Starkville prison to brag on.
Kentucky at South Carolina (7:30, SECN)
Why didn’t they show this in the noon window, FFS? Interesting early season SEC East matchup, two teams who are pretty much an open book. KY in particular has nothing to lose, and could be dangerous as a result. The Chickens oft bumble these games.
Clemson at Louisville (8:00, ABC)
Once again, I will root heartily for the upfront, “no bones about it” evil of Bobby Petrino against the faux “humble Christian” shtick of DABO! any day of the week. Clemson is the dirtiest program in the ACC not named U*NC, and yes, that includes Rapey Jameis’ alma mater. Not easy to do.
Texas at Southern Cal (8:30, Fox)
This game won’t be much account, but there will be Song Girls, and tis always fun to laugh at Texas. Plus I guess some chance of a post-Stanford hangover effect.
Stanford at San Diego State (10:30, CBSSN)
Fun game, everyone gets to find a new channel whilst crunk! The Aztecs, fresh off they Coed Bowl win, host the downtrodden Trees. Momentum in JV NFL tends to mean jack shit, though. Bettors beware…
Ole Miss at Cal (10:30, ESPN)
Interesting tweaker alternate game, in that it should at least be a shootout. Not sure Johnny Reb will travel that well, but also think Cal isn’t very good.
Who ordered the fight tonight and can i came over? Please.
I’m tempted to but I have to be at a party earlier and will probably be too drunk. Also I’m not inclined to pay $60 for a fight that I’m fairly certain is going to end within 4 rounds, especially when HBO will just rerun it in a week anyway.
Yeah Right did!
UCLA seems to have a number of defensive players trying to show off for Bengals scouts, in that they’re not stopping anyone while committing any number of incredibly violent and stupid penalties.
Guys, I’m beginning to think Ucla may have some problems on defense.
I haven’t seen anyone so inept at stopping a football team from scoring since the Baylor coaching staff.
Huskers lose at home could the Gods bless us today for an Army win in buttfuck Ohio. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Chelsea Manning approves this sentiment.
Yanno, it would be handy if we could set flairs to denote who rooted for what team(s). Tyrion may be able to drink and know things, but for me it’s usually one or the other.
Hmm. Having a team avatar instead of that little green fellow might be cool.
Can we have non-NFL options as, you know, NFL fandom is more of a thing to be ashamed of.
If the last election has taught you anything, it’s that we can’t have nice things.
I’m at the wife’s aunts house. Fox News says Bernie is going to be a force in 2020.
I’d like to think he could win, but my head says that we need someone who’s more centrist.
At least he is charasmatic. It’s unfair, but that really is the most important factor.
Oh I wasn’t clear. They only mentioned it as a threat, surely to fire up Fox News viewers and not let them get complacent and to turn out in 2018/2020 against “the S word”.
(Socialist)
Will he even be ALIVE in 2020? He’s awfully old.
NIU knocks off Cornfuckers in Lincoln, 21-17.
B1G B1G B1G B1G
Won’t be no blackshirts in the lockers tomorrey.
UCLA-Memphis just dropped a Spider Y2 Banana reference on us.
Now I want to get invited to a Halloween Party so I can go as Spider 2Y Banana.
Cornfuckers on life-support against NIU…
Okay, just 23 more hours until the Raiders game. I can make it.
So, you start getting into your make-up and costume in 15 minutes?
“Gotta sharpen the spikes on my shoulder pads to a razor-sharp point. It’s my favourite pre-game ritual.”
-RTD
Well, changing into that make-up and costume, yes.
Can’t remember where I heard it, but there was a theory that Superman was the person, and Clark Kent was just the costume he put on. Would you say that that’s true for you and the Raiders get-up?
I actually have (what I think is) a cool idea for a Superfan costume – silver and black O.R. scrubs with bloodstains and stuff. Unfortunately someone has already claimed the name “Dr. Death”.
Dr. Mal Practice?
Bonesaw Bloodletter, MD?
Josef Mengele?
Dr L. Alonzo?
Kevorkian would be a Raiders fan.
…and of course they are broadcasting the stupid Lawnmowers game here in LA.
What’s the lawnmower s?
Football Clippers.
Shitty Football Clippers
Game is a generous term for it. I’d call it a glorified scrimmage or a gorified comedy of errors, depending on your rooting interest.
The Giants played so lousy last week I’d almost prefer that they not be featured on the Monday nighter this week.
Almost?
It *is* my team after all. Tell you what-I’ll watch with one eye closed.
Alternatively you can have Pierre-Paul cover your eyes with his hands and achieve the same effect.
Okie State isn’t going to bother trying to go for 60. Quitters.
Why did Pitt fans go to the game to fall asleep? Those seats can’t be comfortable.
Are they asleep or passed-out from tailgating and halftime?
The camera keeps panning to fans in the crowd that have gone for a snooze-I guess they’re mirroring the apathy displayed by their team.
FURMAN is not who I thought he was.
The Paladins rule, dude!
/checks score
Oh. Oh dear.
Cocaine is a hell of a drug
Don’t let him on the couch when he goes inside.
/these Rick James/Chappelle Show references write themselves!
Live look-in at Okie State-Pitt:
He ain’t no boy!
UCONN has outscored Virginia 18-7 since the end of the 3rd quarter.
Pretty sure Virginia left the field 3 minutes ago.
“He ran out of bounds again?”
-UCONN coach
Cornfuckers may have just taken the lead on Northern Illinois.
Game of Death update-After fighting his way through dozens of bad guys including Robert Wall and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bruce Lee-ish totally gets the better of an eighty year-old man.
/Fin
Fin?!?!?! Have you forgotten about the sequel, the Game of Life?
I’m like a ninth-level black belt in that game.
Me too!! For those who don’t know, the “black” in black belt refers to the actual color of our livers.
“This is not a charade.”
A word to the wise, sometimes adding an “s” to the http breaks the link for no good reason. After many fuckups on my part, I’ve learned to add an “s”, then copy paste the link into another tab to test it before posting.
It’s a GODDAMN ARMS RACE!!!
Speaking of name changes…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4phHwSSing
Don’t tell trump about this Air Force QB or else he’ll be forced to change his last name to “Worthfivethirdsman”
So, I know this sounds improbable, but I actually posted my comment above before I saw yours. I was intending it to just be a complete non sequitor, but now I’m just vaguely unsettled.
Anyone else watching Nebraska fight for its life at home?
Damn. That’s one of the few games I don’t get.
Flipping between that and Ucla biffing against Memphis.
Switched to Memphis/UCLA…is this the same officiating crew as last night’s UofI/USF shitshow?
BLEERGH will be going on a diet if this keeps up.
Folks
Constable.
Oh if I had a nickel…
Horatio story time?
Oh Jesus, that’s clearly going to become my next storyline in HRTN.
I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.
/you do look fabulous
Afternoon everyone (or morning for those on the Best Coast)
I just caught 8 episodes of Rick and Morty. Holy shit, that show is awesome.
I think all of us here agree with your assessment!
My man!
Wuba-lubba-dubdub!
My glip-glop!
Oh Pitt. Poor Pitt. Ten minutes left in the third and they’ve given up 56.
UCONN is currently in a nailbiter against Virginia, fighting desperately to close a 31 point gap as the 3rd quarter ends.
You’ve got Randy Edsell back!
Oh wait, we just ran a double-reverse QB option for a 60 yard TD. Shutout averted!
And then fucked up the 2 pt, conversion, as one does when trailing by 25.
Honestly UCONN can not give up their football program soon enough to suit me. It costs the university millions a year. They lost money going to the Fiesta Bowl FFS!
They’re real troopers. Super troopers if you will.
Memphis up on UCLA, 20-17. Jim Mora, Jr. isn’t interested in playoffs.
Like father…
Whatever Bowl update- Duke 14 Baylor 7.
You don’t want to know what happens to the losing side after the game.
It involves penis doesn’t it? I just know there’s penis.
It doesn’t involve consent, that’s for sure.
This ACC Halftime show crew doesn’t really know how to do a studio show, do they?
To be fair, it is the ACC.
T. Boone Pickins U. squeezing by Pitt, 49-7 late second.
The power of the mullet compels you!
To look at my cousins in a lascivious manner while mudding in my pickem up truck?
Isn’t that any day ending in -y for those fine Murricans?
Probably shoulda covered that guy NCSt.
FEEL THE STRENGTH OF THE FOLLICLES ON FURMAN!
Speaking of Furry things:
Stupid kid. Dogs can’t read.
Woe to the unbeliever!
When you pair scientists with a lab, anything can happen.
True.
?w=1400
Game of Death (sorta) starring Bruce Lee takes movie editing…somewhere.
Glorp.
Well that was kinda shitty.
28 and counting for the Okies.
Nebraska qb has two pick sixes in the first quarter.
Cornholers sucking makes me giggle.
They were such beasts when I was a kid.
Another car ad with a Parkour angle. woo.
This might be the time on Sprockets when we nap.
LOL, right?
Well, I guess NC State won’t be hiring this Furman coach. He’s 0-2 in his career anyway ,, smh.
Hehehehe
Do you think T. McVey makes the Air Force offense more… explosive?
Oh shit, the “T” actually does stand for Timothy.
watch out if they get an Oklahoma-based foe come bowl season
He has a teammate named Parker Wilson, they can’t lose
Really? So, what “sweet” (read: terrible) call sign should they hang on him?
fortunately, Discount Super Hero is wee tiny, and my shitty wolves can run right over them.
Too bad we can’t play against Furman’s defense every week.
Okie’s getting out in front of Pitt right quick.
yeah that looks like a bludgeoning
21 on the board now.
Furman sounds like a discount super hero.
“Oh no, he’s getting angry. Look at the fur fly!”
Greetings alleged human beings.
G’day.
How was the surf?
Crowded today.
Heeeyyy budddyyy, what’s good, like?
What started out as “I think I’m going to order the Triple G vs Canelo Alvarez fight” turned into a potentially fairly massive house party.
I ain’t cooking for all these motherfuckers.
You’ll eat pizza and like it!
Bring beer.
Thing is, if you want to cook for a gang you want to do it right and doing it right takes a long frigging time. Sometimes you just don’t want to expend the energy required.
Indeed. This whole thing came together in the last 16 hours with no lead time built in.
I love to cook and crowds don’t scare me but a little fucking advance notice helps too.
Besides I do most of my quality cooking on Sundays.
Chicken enchiladas and a pot of ranchero beans tomorrow.
My only real hope for this weekend (with the Donks headed into a home beating v. DAK!) is that Burnley holds on to this draw v. the Redshite.
This is what it feels like for an Evertonian to see Romelu Lukaku in that nasty-ass United shirt:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcvuBGkVAqE
0-4 in favour of City, quite wrong about this being a dogfight
/unless a Vick-style dogfight
This is why I keep my gambling to Filipino Volleyball
I also assume everyone remembers but with new ppl around for NFL season I should reiterate – I am very, very stupid. NEVAR bet on anythings I says.
Great, now i need a 2nd mortgage.
GOOOOOOOOOALLLL FULHAM.
In other news Barca is wearing Roma uniforms today. No Blue no Red.
this alternate kit shite has got WAY outta hand
Crystal Palace hired Roy Hodgson, last seen being a fucking walking disaster even by English national side standards. I guess they figured the Fat Sam hire worked for them, so what the hay?
/scoreless at home to Saints, setting the Premiership record for worst start EVAR (0 points, 0 goals scored through 5 fixtures)
WOY HODGSON IS A GOD!!!!! HE SAVED US FOR YEARS. UNCLE WOY HAS THE KEY TO CRAVEN COTTAGE!.
I could never get past the Crystal Palace level, always had to have my brother beat it for me smh.
Instead of the NFL feeder prison league, I recommend watching some AFL replays today to see why Balls and BFC are so damn happy/tumescent.
FUCK OFF
/Carlton supporter
//also JV NFL methadone junkie
Indeed!
I haven’t slept because I’ve been drinking coffee and tea while I write a godawful rambling and overly long and complex email that is supposed to flesh out a pitch, but is probably just making it sound worse, and oh, it’s what I’m doing instead of something important like writing a cover letter for a job application.