The rumors are starting to heat up in advance of Week 17 games. Given that a lot of decisions are made immediately after the last game of the season, I’ve decided to go through each team to see what the outlook is for the coach instead of reacting after the fact.
Got the concept? Ok, let’s begin:
AFC East
New England Patriots – Bill Bellichick
Record: 12-3
Coach Security:
Buffalo Bills – Sean McDermott
Record: 8-7
Coach Security: Safe. Even if the Bills miss the playoffs, and they probably will, this is a marked improvement for the franchise. If Brady retires in the offseason, the Bills may actually have a chance at the division next year!
Miami Dolphins – Adam Gase
Record: 6-9 (Nice!)
Coach Security: Safe. He’s only on Year Two and he lost his starter for the season. It’s amazing the Dolphins managed to win so many games with a cat at QB.
New York Jets – Todd Bowles
Record: 5-10
Coach Security: The Jets were supposed to be the worst team in the league yet here they are with 5 wins. In some games, they’ve even looked…functional? I’m not sure how much you can blame on Bowles considering the lack of talent. Call it 50-50 for him to be a fall guy.
AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers – Mike Tomlin
Record: 12-3
Coach Security:
Unless you’re racist, you’re not calling for his ouster.
Baltimore Ravens – John Harbaugh
Record: 9-6
Coaching security: Safe. The Ravens are about to get into the playoffs despite not playing well the bulk of the season and are peaking at the right time. If they could beat the Pats, I would wear purple camo to work that whole week.
Cincinnati Bengals – Marvin Lewis
Record: 6-9 (also nice!)
Coaching security: GONE. If not now, when? Seriously, Marvin Lewis is the black Jeff Fischer. Yes, I know Jeff Fischer has a worse coaching record, but that’s just because of institutionalized racism and the fact that it takes less for a black man to get fired than a white man. Reports are this is the end of the line for Marvin and I tend to agree. With all the expected openings, though, I’m pretty sure he will find a landing spot.
Cleveland Browns – Hue Jackson
Record: 0-15 (soon to be 1-15?)
Coaching security: The Browns say they are sticking with Hue which really tells you all you need to know about the Browns. Josh Rosen is right.
AFC West
Kansas City Chiefs – Andy Reid
Record: 9-6
Coaching security:
This is an interesting case study. The history of Andy Reid suggests that he is a great coach that takes mediocre teams and turns them into contenders. However, he can’t seem to get those teams past a certain point and at some point management gets sick of it and cans him. The rumblings are already starting in KC. It may take a couple of more years, but his days are numbered.
Los Angeles Chargers – Anthony Lynn
Record: 8-7
Coaching security: For a first year coach to take a new team in a new town with no fans to the edge of the playoffs is quite an achievement. He’s good.
Oakland Raiders – Jack Del Rio
Record: 6-9 (Raider NICE!)
Coaching security: Safe. Del Rio has always had some question marks as a coach and his flaws were evident this season. However, the season’s demise can be easily explained by the injuries to Derek Carr and friends and there is no denying that the team plays hard for him.
Denver Broncos – Vance Joseph
Record: 5-10
Coaching security: Safe. It’s not really fair to give a first-year coach a team with a tremendous defense and no QB. The QB carousel at Denver is an embarrassment, specially considering John Elway is the GM. Look for Denver to draft a QB and hopefully give Vance a chance to succeed.
AFC South
Jacksonville Jaguars – Doug Marrone
Record: 10-5
Coach security: Safe. Marrone has done a great job with Blake Bortles at QB. True, the clock may strike midnight on the BORT experiment, but the defense has been up to the task all year long.
Tennessee Titans – Mike Mularkey
Record: 8-7
Coach security: Safe. If the Titans win on Sunday against the Jags, they secure a return date on Wild Card Weekend in Jacksonville. You can’t ask for more than a chance.
Houston Texans – Bill O’Brien
Record: 4-11
Coach security: Safe. The injury to Deshaun Watson completely destroyed the Texans’ season. Some would say that a better head coach would have gotten them out of the tailspin and I would say that’s correct, but I do not think Texans ownership thinks that way. I say they give O’Brien another year with Watson to see what magic they can pull off.
Indianapolis Colts – Chuck Pagano
Record: 3-12
Coach security: GONE. The handwriting is on the wall. Jacoby Brisett is not THAT bad and the Colts should have played better. Hey, at least he beat cancer!
NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles – Doug Pederson
Record: 13-2
Coaching security:
Yeah, he’s not going anywhere.
Dallas Cowboys – Jason Garrett
Record: 8-7
Coaching security: This motherfucker SHOULD be gone, but the Old Double J is too busy raking in the millions and banging mistresses to care. Seriously, everyone in Dallas is sick of The Ginger and wants him gone. Which means he’ll stay.
Washington F.C. – Jay Gruden
Record: 7-8
Coaching security: Mixed. On the one hand, the season hasn’t gone completely to shit. On the other, it hasn’t gone as planned either. This feels like another 50-50 proposition.
New York Giants – Ben Mc Adoo (FIRED!)
Record: 2-10 at time of firing
Coaching security:
NFC North
Minnesota Vikings – Mike Zimmer
Record: 12-3
Coaching security:
Detroit Lions – Jim Caldwell
Record: 8-7
Coaching security: Safe. The light stays on for one more year.
Green Bay Packers – Captain Bluebunny Mike McCarthy
Record: 7-8
Coaching security: Safe. Another coach that will get a reprieve thanks to an injury to his starting QB. In reality, he did coach up Hundley to a few wins, so that was actually a job well done.
Chicago Bears – John Fox
Record: 5-10
Coaching security: GONE. Or at least he should be. John Fox is the new Jeff Fischer. He just keeps getting hired and doing nothing. I would hope Chicago management does the right thing here and fires him.
NFC West
Los Angeles Rams – Sean McVay
Record: 11-4
Coaching security: Safe. Are you kidding me? A division championship in his first year in a new city? I’d be surprised if he doesn’t get a contract extension if he wins a playoff game. Ron Howard voice: He won’t.
Seattle Seahawks – Pete Carroll
Record: 9-6
Coaching security: Safe. Assuming Atlanta Atlantas its way out of the playoffs, the Seahawks should make the playoffs once more. That’s pretty good, considering the defense is falling apart. They’ll need a rebuild, but they can do so while still winning, which is all you can ask for as a fan.
Arizona Cardinals – Bruce Arians
Record: 7-8
Coaching security: GONE. Arians put out a statement last night saying he will decide on his future between Monday and February. I don’t think management gives him the time.
San Francisco 49ers – Kyle Shanahan
Record: 5-10
Coaching security: Safe. Quite frankly, I am shocked that the 49ers have rebounded from such a shitty start to get to five wins. That’s a hell of an achievement. It looks like Shanahan has started to purge the team of the bad apples and the team has responded. I’m quite interested to see how much they can improve next year.
NFC South
New Orleans Saints – Sean Payton
Record: 11-4
Coaching security:
To all of you that thought Sean Payton was done, Sean Payton says, “SUUUUUCK IT!”
Carolina Panthers – Ron Rivera
Record: 11-4
Coaching security:
Yeah, he’s safe.
Atlanta Falcons – Dan Quinn
Record: 9-6
Coaching security: Safe. Although, if the Falcons Falcon and miss the playoffs the year after blowing a 23 point lead in the Super Bowl, Snidely Whiplash may think twice about investing long-term in Quinn.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Dirk Koetter
Record: 4-11
Coaching security: GONE. I don’t know how he got the job in the first place, but it’s clear he’s lost the team. Time to start again with Jon Gruden.
***
So, let’s see, carry the one… that makes 6 for sure coaching vacancies (one already open) and two 50-50 propositions, so call it 7. That sounds like it’s right along the league average, so I’m fairly confident I’m right. Ron Howard voice: He’s not.
Let me know what you think and tell me what I missed in the comments.
Pete Carroll’s safe because fire can’t melt Richard Sherman’s Achilles tendon.
copy/paste fail.
You’d think Mullarkey is gone if Los Titans miss the playoffs. They were supposed to win at least 10 this year. If not this year, he’ll be gone next year if they miss the playoffs
Mularkey? Isn’t that another word for ‘bullshit’?
I think Del Rio is perfectly safe with the Raiders, but I’m interested to see what happens with their offensive coordinator Todd Downing. Like many Raiders fans, I want him gone, but I don’t have any brilliant suggestions as to who to replace him with.
Lane Kiffin.
Undead Al Davis
What is dead may never die.
Is Art Shell still alive?
“I don’t know”
-Art Shell
I’ve listened to this three times in a row already. Currently on #4. It’s so good.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prmQgSpV3fA
Steve Spagnolo
Record:Embarrassing
Coaching Security:Gone with the rest of the coaching staff as the Mara’s clean house. Giants fire 2 guys during the same season.
Never betting on the Giants to do the smart thing sometimes has its advantages.
(Spoilered for size, but bikinis may be NSFW if you are at work)
Ain’t nothing wrong with that!
Tennessee Titans – Mike Mularkey
Record: 8-7
Coach security: Safe.
You’re likely right, Balls. And what the hell: I’d prefer the Tits to go 9-8 and keep Mularkey. But 8-8, boot the guy.
[Is disappointed in you in Spanish]
It’s “para bailar la bamba”
En verdad se dice “Twist & Shout”.
Damn it, I knew I shoulda bet on the Fightin’ Farvenises.
“NFL fans on line 1, sir.”
Anthony Michael Hall looks like the Blowjob Queen of Hollywood, Nancy Reagan, in that photo for Belichick.
Love the story about her taking care of a twofer in the back seat from LA to Palm Springs.
Oh, and just say no to drugs.
Being 70% gin is totally fine, though.
And AIDS is just some gay thing so ignore it please.
Gays, blacks, and drug users. Gee, I can’t imagine why people would think it was a conspiracy that the government let it sweep through the country for a decade unchecked.
https://view.yahoo.com/show/saturday-night-live/clip/4639522/bad-idea-jeans
John Fox should have been fired before McAdoo. Which means if the Bears upset the Vikes, they might just keep him like idiots.
I live in Los Angeles. I even went to a Chargers game. And this is the first time I’ve ever heard that some guy named Anthony Lynn is their head coach.
ALSO
I cannot look at Sean Payton and not see the uncanny resemblance to Lee Harvey Oswald.
So, is it safe to say you’ll be back (and to the left)?
He was just a patsy for the NFL’s crackdown on everything fun and exciting.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! wins two playoff matches, falling gallantly in the NFC championship round.
You had me at snap crotch.
[snaps fingers into finger gun pose]
With one of these you don’t even need pants.
Pants? Where we’re going we don’t need pants.
DFO Clubhouse?
That would be so cool to have one IRL.
We do. It’s in LA. You should come visit.
Yes!
I have no idea if Garrett’s any good as a coach simply because I firmly believe that he does whatever Jones tells him to do, smiling and nodding the whole way. I never see much in the way of in-game adjustments, (although I certainly see it from the opposition), and Garrett is to “creative” what beige is to a colo(u)r wheel, but he’ll never go anywhere so long as he’s willing to let Jerrah be Jerrah in return for a paycheck.
I miss the old double J crazy stories
Sean Payton’s lady friend – Safe. Even if she gets fired, she has a standing offer from Fox News as a political commentator.
Arizona Cardinals – Bruce Arians
Record: 7-8
Coaching security: Permanent fixture of a shitty organization with an inept owner who isn’t lacking leadership or big picture strategy, you see, he’s just being patient.
Narrator: Bidwill is lacking leadership/strategy.
Being ARI, they’ll hear rumblings of BA retiring all offseason and not fire him. Then, the night of the draft, BA will retire and the Cardinals will respond by trading Fitz to NE for a 5th rounder and giving Palmer an eight-year contract.
It’s the DFO COACHING CAROUSEL: Let the action ride!
It’s scary that you’re absolutely correct. I see the Cards fucking this up royally.
Bidwell’s Law: Any fuckup that can be made, will be made.
I literally did not know the Browns’ coach was Hue Jackson. Who? Hue. Who? Hue? Hue’ve got to be kidding me.
Not a subscriber to the RTD RSS feed I see….
GOD I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!!
I think you’re safe.