It seems every other time I’ve written these, I purposely exclude the EPL or talking about EPL teams. Some people have said that I am biased against the EPL. Those people are correct. Let’s take a look at the matchups, one by one, and see why I’m so biased. All times Pacific.
4:30 AM
Southampton v Chelsea – The 18th place Soton Wranglers take on the Chelski Scum at home. I’m only watching this if I wake up to take a dump and the remote is handy.
7:00 AM
Burnley v Leicester City – How the fuck is Burnley 7th?!? And Leicester is 8th! Shit, this might actually be a decent match!
Crystal Palace v Brighton & Hove Albion – I’ve always had a soft spot for CP, mainly because it sounds like a really cool club that once existed in the 80s where The Cure and The Smiths and Depeche Mode once played.
Huddersfield Town v Watford – The home team sounds like it plays in the countryside and the team mascots are cows. Watford sounds like the team of the Upper Class Twits of the Year.
Swansea City v Everton – Ok, why does every team have to have City or Town in their name? I mean, we pretty much know all sports teams carry the name of the place where they play. Is this essentially a grammatical dick-measuring contest?
9:30 AM
Liverpool v AFC Bournemouth – Jason Bourne likes the visitors but Emma Pool likes the home team. Who ya got?
11:45 AM
Tottenham Hotspur v Manchester City – This would have been the match of the day if City didn’t already have the league wrapped up and hadn’t collapsed so violently in the Champions League. Essentially, these are two supposed-to-be-good teams with nothing to play for. Boring.
And that’s your EPL slate. Let’s compare that to the La Liga slate:
4:00 AM
Sevilla v Villarreal – A battle of 6th versus 7th with a Europa League berth on the line. Yeah, this will be good.
7:15 AM
Barcelona v Valencia – First versus 3rd in the first game after Barcelona’s collapse against Roma. Valencia has a real shot to finish 2nd if they win this one. Another great game.
9:30 AM
Las Palmas v Real Sociedad – Ok, real talk. What is up with all those “Made in Las Canarias” porn videos on Pornhub? I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Oh, I’m the only pervert in this place! FINE! Anyway, Las Palmas is in the Canarias…
Leganés v Celta de Vigo – Two mid-table teams that have the capability to surprise the big teams from time to time. Might be worth a few minutes away from the Las Palmas porn to watch.
11:45 AM
Athletic Club v Deportivo La Coruña – As you may recall, I was able to watch a game in the VIP Area at the new San Mamés stadium in Bilbao (Athletic’s home) and it was amazing.
Watch this game for the beautiful stadium shots. Too bad they don’t show the food…
***
Now, isn’t that a much better way to spend your Saturday morning? Besides having sex with your significant other, of course.
Ok, FINE! Enjoy the games…
Found a funny:
Pitcher: *throws a ball*
Umpire: Ball four. Walk!
Audience (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
It’s amazing that so much sports action is happening today yet all I want to do is take a nap.
Ice Donks are fucking awesome when 2 goals behind!
Sheep Shaggers pulled out a win in the dying embers, and Fulham lost their 1-nil lead in added time.
PRAY FOAR LITRE.
/and also fer the sheep of Cardiff I guess ,, smh
Watching the Galaxy game on Univision. I’m way too lazy to figure out SAP, so I’m watching the game in Spanish. Learned a couple things about the Galaxy:
1) They have a player named Feltscher.
2) The announcers said about Feltscher, “Él chupa su culo”
I assume they were praising Feltscher?
Complimenting his flexibility, obviously.
everyone praises felching ,, imo godbless
I relearned a valuable lesson last night: Malort makes me puke.
Immediately, the morning after, or on top of your girl? All three?
Hehehehe
If she were with me last night, I wouldn’t have been talked into multiple shots of it.
Also yes.
YOU NEED TO DRINK MORE OF IT RIGHT AWAY
My cute little Asian supermarket checkout girl is almost ready.
I resisted today because the store was too busy. She giggled with me again, JUST LIKE ALWAYS!!!! Because I’m fucking charming as shit. But the store was full of rednecks buying Saturday night booze and she was too busy for me to schmooze her properly today.
/admittedly was one of the rednecks buying Saturday night booze
BUT OH YES SHE WILL BE MINE!!!!!!!!
Once you get to California, you need to write a post about how this is a different planet compared to the rest of the US…
Well, of course. Because I can see no way whatsoever THAT could go bad.
What?????
Last night’s AFL action was pretty great. The AFL Beat will be fun to write this week…
I haven’t even checked in this week.
I suck.
Did you forget to put the tip in?
(yes, this came up in the search to DFO, courtesy of Mr. Balls)
Also…Hooray foar no moar pants tonight.
I could be OK with those strong little legs wrapped around my ears.
That’s a true Mexican girl right there…
SWOOON…
Mmmmm…tastes like red sauce.
Raheem Sterling gon’ Raheem Sterling.
So I’m headed to one of those “kill wealthy dowager” type parties tonight. If my wife was better about picking up Simpsons references I’d wear a short-sleeved shirt with a tie until she objected and then slink away saying “I wish I was Sipowicz…”
Is that like a key party?
The invitation calls for “cocktail attire.”
I’ll show myself out.
MOAR like cock in tail, amirite?
uuuugggggghhhh
Why didn’t Wonger stay in for defensing?
My $31-ish bet on the draw here (City/Spurs) ain’t looking great. But City’s confidence is still tissue paper.
Dunno, pulled one back!
/right before I put $10 on Spurs at +2500 ,, smh
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=4&v=2Lo-GrvBDHw
We took a vote and it’s unanimous….
Sill?
get real, ain’t nobody willing to touch HWSNBN
So, do I want to go buy beer badly enough to actually put on pants?
Depends on what your penis looks like.
Well, it doesn’t look good enough to get me free beer. Not anymore, anyway.
So I better put on pants I guess.
You might go with a kilt……
I don’t know that much about art, but I know what I like.
– J. Pollock
Holy shit. That’s awesome. Cannot stop giggling.
Hey honey, put on your spiky boots and a little black dress and go sit on the hood of that shitty rusted out car beside our shitty cabin with no ‘lectricity and no running water. I want to test the new camera!!!!!
I’m presuming this is Russia or some other reasonable facsimile Eastern Blok country.
One has to create art with what one has.
Very true. But her attire doesn’t exactly go with the setting.
Mixed messages can here its own message.
GIS says it is from a “funny Russian dating site”
Fair enough. She did get the “funny” part right.
Hey, let’s go to Chernobyl and get some good candids for your profile.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aThxBOmGxOk
It’s noon, people.
I’m not saying the time limits your options; I’m saying that it can free up your options.
I like her. She seems smrt.
😛
(plus free pool access)
/checks breath
Hey. I know this great churrasquería. It’s run by Real Madrid fans, so we could stab together.
/leans on wall
LMAO – NBC showing typical Redshite loser whooping it up in the crowd, and we got a full ass crack shot!
OK, why the hell aren’t the Caps/Jackets playing tonight???
That’s some bullshit.
Have you heard of Gary Bettman?
I thought he was a myth. Like Santa Claus. Or Satan.
or the female orgasm.
the say what now??
What fascinating weather we have here. Neighborhoods being flooded out while an ice storm has shut down travel across the entirety of mid-Michigan. This is exactly what I expected for mid-April
All The Warnings
Could be worse. You could have wall-climbing zombies.
Gotta save something for the summer
/looks outside
//locks doors just in case
Bayern is nice to GAMBLOR upon. Especially when they go down a goal at home.
In fairness to Herr Balls, I am watching Bayern/NAWT even gonna try to spell it over the Premiership game this window. Intense shit, these sides flying all over the pitch.
Fellow recluse shout-out!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiO_7LhPZFM
also:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtKnRFNffsI
my GAWD, ppls. GAMBLOR is soooooo much fun. I was waaaaayyyy down, but I stuck with my Lesser Footy system, and both Genoa and Fenerbahce won their first halves, netting me almost $1100. If the #BFIB are up after 5 against shit-ass Brandon Finnegan, I will be over $2K even if my Cherries draw/win bets don’t hit.
In summation, WOO!!!!
now MOAR than EVAR – up teh Cherries!!
Watch for the equalizer around the 87 minute mark. It’s a Cherries trademark.
OK, I guess I should stop screwing with CenturyLink and go do what I intended to do today.
Plant some marijuana.
Yes, I’m serious.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvaEJzoaYZk
In all seriousness, my redneck family has a long history of moonshining. Still ongoing, actually. Allegedly.
My uncle has hit dementia to the point he can’t really do it anymore though, and wanted to pass it over to me.
Fuck that. My mom would murderize me.
Isn’t “moonshine” practically legal now? You can’t walk into any sort of liquor store without seeing 4-5 different brands of things labeled ‘moonshine’
It’s my last lessons before all my students have their statewide audition performance whatever the fuck it is. And because I teach Long Island kids it’s serious business. And nobody will be home because Padre Weaselo’s on the motorcycle, Madre Weaselo’s at my cousin’s store opening (hey Horatio, you by Wallingford at all?).
What I’m saying is at about 5:00 Senor gon DRANK.
Padre Weaselo sounds like a bad mamma jamma fwiw.
Got family in Wallingford. I’m about an hour away.
day movie+day drinking?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiYW3YcwlJk
Hey!!!! CenturyLink!!!! Yeah, it’s me again.
I just ran a speed test. Guess what I got? .09 mbps.
Not 9. Not even .9.
Point. Zero. Nine.
You better get your asses out here before Tuesday.
That’s not even 100 kbps!
Hehehe…Inorite? Lemme break out my Commodore 64!!!!
Or better yet, my Fiona Apple II.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFOzayDpWoI
That’s a reaaaaaally pitiful speed even for North Nonesuchistan, India these days… :p
slept in. missed the Chelsea match.
Whooooo! Chelsea win!
Somewhere, Litre_Cola just got a boner.
Don’t worry, this too shall pass… that said, don’t pick up the soap until the all-clear siren just in case 😉
Sheep Shaggers are nil-nil in the 87th minute!
OK, it’s nearly 70 here for the first time since, well, actually there that one day in February, BUT I DIGRESS!!, so I need to get outside and finish some chores.
First and foremost being actually filing my taxes. Those replacement missiles aren’t gonna pay for themselves!
You’re gonna go outside to finish your taxes?
Had to drive to the accountant’s office. I farmed the actual doing of the taxes out once Mrs. Cornblower started selling real estate on commission
Them 1099s are a bitch.
a catchy song shaming menfolk FOAR being the scum we are!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81RqEnvczV8
Like them a lot. Plus….
There is nothing better than a good lie.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhC1pI76Rqo
got $80 Ameri-quid in on Leverkeusen literally 1.5 seconds before the line went off the board for their goal (+175)
posting yet again, because AWESOME
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-N6jfO5NOQ
Mom: It’s nice today. I think Imma go work in the garden.
Me: *snicker* You need any help? I’m very good at hoe’ing.
Mom: No, I think I want to hoe by myself today.
Me: [stifled laughter]
I think Imma start drinking again today.
I find that being sober is very boring.
Drink for the two of us-I’ve got ‘responsibilities’* today. smgdh.
*they’re 15 and 13 and their mom is nowhere to be found, what with her fancy-schmancy ‘social life’ and everything.
give them each a $20 and tell them to fuck off
#FatherOfTehYear
Eh, I’m probably overdue for a drunk-less Saturday. But you can GAMBLOR that I’ll be right back at it tommorah.
Let’s face it – our addictions are all we really have left.
/on the phone
Me: “You hang up first.”
Bottle of Scotch: “No, you hang up.”
Me: “I’m not going to-you hang up.”
Bottle of Scotch: “Honey, I’ve got to go but you have to hang up.”
Me: “Bunny Rabbit, I’ll never hang up on you.”
etc., etc.,
FUCK everything, I forgot to get moneys in on Burnley.
also, FOAR Litre. cheer for Norwich to get a result v. the Sheep Shaggers.
Have to make up for lost GAMBLOR time, since yesterday was Friday the 13th and all.
It’s nipply out here.
“Look at the girl on those tits!”
Did you guys know that televised Premier League Darts is a thing?
smgdh
the Brits will watch damn near anything, it seems
Inorite? And it’s a SRO crowd in a huge damned arena too.
Right now, the bald guy with no eyebrows is getting his ass kicked by the ZZ Top looking guy with the dreadlock mullet.
Said the idiots sitting at home watching soccer and talking to each other on the internet about it.
eat THAT, Saints! Chelski down 2-nil at the 65′, gets 3 in 13 minutes.
o wen the Saints! Go matching down!!
https://giphy.com/gifs/justineskye-justine-skye-xT9Iguyc65gBrQ6OCk
I mean, we pretty much know all sports teams carry the name of the place where they play.
nae Everton!!
This is an outlier season for the Premiership, as it is the most dogshit as it has been since I have started following the Lesser Footy. Time will tell if an aberration or a leading indicator.
For pure passion, depth of skill, and competitiveness, I think Bundesliga is probably actually the best, if I had just managed to get into it.