*Scene opens to a pitch black room. All you can see is black and the sounds of an older man grunting*
Old Man breathing heavily: Oh yeah, that little black dress is getting a little uncomfortable. Take it off, baby.
*The sound of pumping Vaseline can be heard*
OM: Oh yeah, almost there, baby. Get your allowance.
*A solid, bolted, metal door slowly opens, making a loud squeaky sound because it clearly needs some WD40. The lights turn on to reveal a decrepit, dull, interrogation room and in walks Mike Pence. The old man grunting is Donald Trump. He is in the corner, behind a desk and laptop*
Pence, with his eyes closed: Hey Donnie, there aren’t any girls in here, are there?
Trump, clearly out of breath: Geezus, Pence, knock on the damn door next time. You know how I like to watch the Gorilla channel online and in peace. Besides fairy boy, if you entered a room with your eyes open, you would see that no, there aren’t any women in here.
*Pence breathes a sigh of relief and opens his eyes* Pence: Thank goodness. Love em for their weapons purchasing and genocide of Shia Muslims or hate ’em for 9/11, but, you gotta love the gender segregation in Saudi Arabia. *Pence with a smirk, thinking about Yemen and that one time he went to a Saudi bath house* Anyway, your People United with Trump Intelligence for our Nation committee is here. Shall I let them in?
Trump with a smile on his face and in a happy tone: The PUTIN pops are here? Hell yeah, send them in!
*In walks John Bolton, John McCain and Rachel Maddow. As soon as Maddow walks in, Pence’s face goes beat red and he closes his eyes. All of them, with a chair in their hand, put down their chair around a round table that is in the middle of the interrogation room*
Trump: PUTIN pops, welcome to our monthly meeting. A lot has happened since we last saw each other. Particularly in terms of that bullshit potential peace agreement between the Koreas. That Tae Kwon do champion Moon is trying to steal my Nobel Prize and Raytheon’s profits are dropping this quarter.
/the door flies open
Bill Parcells in a smug voice: Sounds like you’ve been Pearl Harbour’d. You can’t trust those kinds of people.
/Parcells vanishes as quickly as he entered
Trump: What the fuck was that?
Anyway, to make things worse, the World Cup is starting soon. If Korea goes on a run, Moon is going to get credit and there’s nothing we can do because Trumperica isn’t even in this fucking thing. This is unacceptable! I need ideas, now!
Maddow in her matter-of-fact voice: Well Lord Trump, as you know I took the initiative to gain favor with you by recently telling my audience that the peace treaty was bullshit and exactly what Putin and Kimmy wanted. Currently, I’m already working on a piece about how Putin secretly bribed FIFA officials to have calls go against our way, resulting in our boys missing the World Cup. That will rile up my crowd, then I’ll segue into how the Russians are up to no good in Syria. Deliver another military strike and your approval ratings will go up again.
Trump thinks about the proposal for a second and then shakes his head in disapproval. In a calm voice: The old Vladdy is evil and America is the benevolent watchdog of the world. Classic misdirection, but I’m not entirely sure that’ll work this time.
Bolton, whose face is redder than a tomato and yelling: Nuke those yeller fucks back to the stone age! Then nuke Iran too!
Trump: Jesus Bolton, give it a rest with that post-apocalyptic crap. You know this is all theatrical bullshit.
Bolton yelling: It’s still real to me, damnit!
Trump, with a perplexed look on his face: Riiiiight. I’ll tell you what, buddy. I got a surprise for you… well, all of you. Just sit tight. Anyway, like I said, American benevolence is good, but isn’t going to quite cut it this time.
McCain gives one of his creepy, pensive looks and in a low tone voice: Donald, what if I were to talk about how the Iran deal is bullshit because Iran is super violent and then you come out and further denounce the Iran deal, making you seem like one of the good Republicans?
Trump: That’s our bi-weekely Never Trumper thing. No good. Besides, since you’re ill these days, I pulled some strings, and you’ll be going to Area 51 to receive the blood infusion of the missing children we have quote unquote, lost.
*Everyone in the room laughs*
McCain, with another creepy looking pensive face: Donnie, why are you so worried?
Trump leans in and whispers: I’m going to let you all in on a little secret. Recently, the Feds have directed me to this website called Doorfliesopen because it became a hangout for Russian bots. I thought nothing of it at first until I started to have a look. Putin Pops, I did not like what I saw. They’re onto us. And worst of all, it’s a site full of sexual deviants, bronies, socialists and worst of all, Puerto Ricans.
*The Entire room gasps in horror*
Maddow:Puerto Ricans still exist? I didn’t even report about the hurricane related deaths being over 70 times the original body count. I pulled some strings and got most colleagues at other networks to skip over that news. We just focused on Roseanne. They can’t exist!
Trump: I know Mad Rach. You’re a good soldier. Even more alarming, is that their site privacy settings have been moved to Puerto Rico as well. We’re through the looking glass, people. I read the South Korea preview and I did not like what I saw. Here. *Claps hands twice*
/two soldiers walk in and setup a powerpoint projector. Trump loads up DFO and clicks on the South Korea preview.
Trump: Rach, you’re a quote unquote, respected quote unquote news anchor, please read for us.
Maddow: You got it Donnie. /Maddow puts on her glasses and begins to read
Maddow: I’ll always have a fond place in my heart for the South Korean Lesser footy team for two reasons. First, their lesser footy kits are usually really nice and second, I had a Barney Stinson like run during the 2002 World Cup with stunning Korean women.
Maddow in shock about the terrible writing she just read: Oh Jesus, this asshole isn’t going to brag about getting some 16 years ago, is he?
Trump: Oh, this writer is garbage. Just give it a read and laugh at his shitty adjectives and his barely legible sentences. I bet you he says he was out kicking his coverage at some point.
Maddow with a frustrated cowl on her face: Damnit, Donnie, why do you do this to me? OK. . . Where were we? Oh yes. There we are. . . In the Summer of 2002, saddened by the fact that one of my best friends was moving to China that September, I began hanging out with him and his other group of friends during the World Cup. Luckily for me, this group of friends included seven gorgeous, barely legal Korean women. Needless to say, if I were to hook up with one them, let alone all of them, I would have been out kicking my coverage by a mile.
*Trump and his Putin Pops all laugh out loud in Unison* Pence: What a loser.
*Pence continues to drink from his fruit punch juice box, while steering clear of Maddow*
Maddow trying to compose herself: The first night we all hung out, one of the lovely Korean ladies explained to me that there were two types of Korean-Canadian women: One type consisted of women who were Asian everything–meaning they only go for Asian men. That extended beyond dating and included friends and buying only from Asian business as well. The other type of Korean women were the exact opposite and loved white men. It didn’t even matter what the men looked like. She placed an emphasis that even I could hook up with an attractive, Korean woman like her. And fellow KSK refugees, she was not wrong.
Maddow: Wait, what’s KSK?
Trump: Who knows, just keep reading.
Maddow: OK. . . *Maddow scans what she’s about to read* Donnie, this guy goes into tons of detail and has pictures of gorgeous, scantily clad Korean women that best resembles his hook ups. Can I just skip this?
Trump: Go ahead. Besides, Pence might get a little squirrely if you didn’t.
Maddow with a sigh of relief: Thanks. *Maddow skims down the page* Wow, every Korean game? That’s both gross and kind of impressive. . . Basic facts about South Korea: The first known kingdom of Korea was called Gojoseon in 2333 BC, allegedly started by a guy named Dangun whose father was a son of heaven and whose mother was a she-bear.
Maddow: I guess Al Gore was right afterall.
Maddow: Fast forward a bit, there’s the three kingdoms, which eventually falls to the Mongols in 1259ish. (I’m not going to lie, I am too lazy to look up the exact year. I trust my CTE brain). Around 1392-1395, the Joseon dynasty would take over until the Japanese occupation occurred around 1910. This, combined with other incidents with Japan, is why Korea and Japan are fierce rivals.
Lesser footy basic facts: Nickname(s): The Reds, Taegeuk Warriors and Red Devils. Manager: Shin Tae-yong. FIFA Ranking: 61. That doesn’t sound right at all. There’s no way there are 60 teams better than South Korea. Considering how Switzerland is currently ranked sixth, I think whomever made these FIFA rankings should go home because they are clearly drunk.
Ever since 1986, South Korea has qualified for every World Cup. Their best finish at the World Cup was 4th place back in 2002, during my magic run. . .
Maddow with that derp face she makes: Again with this hookingup garbage? Someone else read this because I’m done..
Trump: OK, Rach. I’ll do it. . . . Since 2002, Korea has made it to the round of 16 just once. This has been an utter embarrassment for South Korea as they have had aspiring goals to consistently make it to at least the quarterfinals in the World Cup because not only are they ready to take a next step in terms of international dominance, but they also have had teams that were good. Given their group and the fact they’ll likely face Brazil in the round of 16, most expect an early exist at this years World Cup.
But there is hope. Sort of. To make a long story short, since 2002, internal politics has resulted in Korea being consistent in hiring horrendous managers. They had a chance to hire Bert van Marjwik–a manager who had taken the Netherlands to the 2010 World Cup finals and just coached Besiktas to a quarterfinals run in Champions league—and also took Turkey to third place in 2002. Instead, internal politics got in the way and they hired Uli Stielke, whose career highlight was being a terrible German youth team manager and who appointed an Argentine masseuse as part of his coaching staff. The past sixteen years is full of horrendous decisions like this. Consequently, this decent team continuous to underwhelm and under-perform. Kind of like the Miami Dolphins. And just like Dolphins fans, they were wishing the team would fail spectacularly in order to blow the whole thing up and start again with an entirely new staff. Hey, maybe that is also why I like these guys. They remind me of my “NFL” team that I follow. Mind Blown.
McCain: The Dolphins still exist?Bullshit. Is Shula still their coach?
Trump with a slightly annoyed tone: Who cares. I’m going to make the XFL bigger than the NFL within 10 years. I’m going to keep chipping away and Goodell is going to keep making stupid decisions to keep his job by appeasing to a bunch of psychopath owners. As I was saying. . .*Trump continues to read the preview* Shin Tae-Young, the current manager has a couple of things going. First, he hasn’t done something that demonstrates that he is incredibly incompetent. Second, his players have played well for him and seem to genuinely like and buy into his team’s identity that he has established.. . . Hey, look at this picture of him in the preview!
Trump: Getting back to the preview. . . This is important because I’m not so sure Sweden and Mexico are going to be as united. Aside from being a pretty bland team, the fact that Sweden’s manager had—though ultimately dropped Zlatan Ibrahimovic off the roster—may have caused some unnecessary drama and mistrust from its players. As for Mexico, historically, they do not travel well at European World Cups. An early loss and those players will be quick to throw each other under the bus. It happens so often, you can set your watch to it.
Here’s a quick glance at Korea’s roster:
Goalkeepers: Kim Seung-gyu (Vissel Kobe), Kim Jin-hyeon (Cerezo Osaka), Cho Hyun-woo (Daegu FC).
Defenders: Kwon Kyung-won (Tianjin Quanjian), Kim young-gwon (Guangzhou Evergrande), Jang Hyun-soo (FC Tokyo), Jung Seung-hyun (Sagan Tosu), Yun Yong-sun (Seongnam FC), Oh Ban-suk (Jeju United), Kim Jin-su (Jeonbuk Hyundai Motors), Kim Min-woo (Sangju Sangmu), Park Joo-ho (Ulsan Hyundai), Hong Chul (Sangju Sangmu), Go Yo-han (FC Seoul), Lee Yong (Jeonbuk Hyundai Motors)
G-Friend’s K-pop song “Rough” best describes Korea on the defensive side. They are pretty bad and paper thin on defense. What is baffling is that despite being a tire fire on defense, Korea at times plays with just three defenders. With that said, they should fare well enough against Sweden’s slow forwards, who are underwhemling, but might struggle against Mexico, if Mexico actually shows up in Europe for once. With history saying they won’t, I wouldn’t worry too much about Mexico until they actually pull through. Goaltending has also been a major area of concern with their goalies known for giving up soft goals.
Midfielders: Ki Sung-yueng (Swansea City), Jung Woo-young (Vissel Kobe), Kwon Chang-hoon (Dijon FCO), Ju Se-jong (Asan Mugunghwa FC), Koo Ja-cheol (FC Augsburg), Lee Seung-woo (Hellas Verona), Moon Seon-min (Incheon United), Lee Jae-sung (Jeonbuk Hyundai Motors), Lee Chung-yong (Crystal Palace).
Korea’s midfield is kind of like watching Twice’s “Like Ooh-ahh”. It’s pretty good at times but then there are some cringe worthy moments. But overall, it’s above average. When Ki Sung-Yeung and Lee Chung-Young are paired together at midfield, they have earned the nickname “Double Dragons” which is pretty heavy metal. Keep an eye on Lee Seung-Woo, who is starting to earn the moniker of “Korean Messi.” If he can use the World Cup as a coming out party, Korea will fare well in the group stage.
Forwards: Kim Shin-wook (Jeonbuk Hyundai Motors),
McCain interrupts: But that’s my name for them!
Pence: He said ‘wook,’ dipshit.
Trump: Jesus, let me finish. This is going on way too long and feels like it’s going nowhere. . . Son Heung-min (Tottenham Hotspur), Hwang Hee-chan (FC Red Bull Salzburg), Lee Keun-ho (Gangwon FC)
Just like Blackpink, Korea will be relying on their forwards for lots of Boombayah!
Maddow interupting Trump: Holy shit, that was a terrible pun
Trump: I know. I can’t imagine being *checks to see who wrote the preview* Wakezilla? He probably lives in his mother’s second home’s basement and doesn’t use a duvet or fear burning the top part of his mouth when eating creme brule. Backwards savage. But just listen to this. . .
Tottenham’s Son Heung-Min has been dubbed this generation’s savior of Korea’s lesser footy. Korea will be relying heavily on him to score goals. Lots of goals. Many people are expecting this World Cup to be the tournament where he becomes an international star. For Koreans, this is his defining moment as to where his legacy will be remembered. Winning the Asian games is expected. It’s how Son does in Russia which will define him. Luckily for him, he is considered to be a darkhorse to win the Golden boot. For that to happen, Korea will have to advance to at least the round of 16.
While I think Korea is going to need a little magic to get past the round of 16, I do think they will get out of group stage. Given the current climate in Korea, a lot of these players have an extra incentive to play well. Unless a person shows exemplary sporting abilities that result in them winning international tournaments, it is mandatory for Koreans to serve in the military. There have been loud murmurs coming from Korea lately, saying that if Son and some of his cohort that are of age for their mandatory military service do not play well, they will have to put their lesser footy careers on hold and serve. Peace talks or not, given what’s happening in Korea these days, I would imagine there is no greater incentive to win than the fear of having to pick up a gun and go to an area where you might have someone shooting at you.
Bolton: I’m sorry Donald, you’re probably screwed. Maybe you should start an international tariffs war. What could possibly go wrong with that. And if Canada puts tariffs on American goods, then you nuke those mountie fucks back to the stone age!
Trump: I like your thinking, Bolton! That’ll distract the masses while I weasel my way back into the peace agreements between the Koreas. It’s not like it’ll put millions of Americans out of work.
But enough about our problems. I’m going to let you all know where you are, now. We’re in Gitmo. Who wants to watch some poor bastard who has been here for over ten years, but has not had their day in court get tortured.
Putiin Pops in Unison: We do! We do!
Trump: Great! You’ll get escorted by our guards and they’ll set you up.
/Maddow pulls out and turns on her rabbit vibrator: I can’t wait!
*Everyone but Trump leaves the interrogation room. Trump clicks on his other tab and continues to rub one out and goes to completion. As Trump’s head goes back, and his body limp, the camera pans over to the screen*
*Fade to black*
Editor’s Note: We have a World Cup Pool!! Please click the link below to sign up:
The pool password is “Balls”
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