This is the moment we have all been waiting for!
Shut up, tWBS!
The wait is finally over and the real non-friendly games begin. We are starting at the ripe time of 4 AM Pacific because the Opening Ceremony to the 2018 World Cup begins at 6:00 AM Pacific and we need time to properly prepare ourselves.
The details of the Opening Ceremony have been kept relatively secret, with only a few details leaking out:
- Apparently, there will be a strong Opera presence
- There might or might not be people on stilts
- The ceremony will focus heavily on Russian culture and history
- As is tradition, the Official World Cup Song will be performed:
so my guess is that Will Smith will be in attendance as well as Nicky Jam, whoever that is, and that girl with the weird past tense name.
Editor’s Note: Apparently, she is Albanian/Kosovar and got famous on YouTube via this song:
Don T Note: ¿¿Cómo es posible que no sabes quién es Nicky Jam?? ¡Es un Dios en el mundo del Reggaeton!:
Balls Note: I do apologize. I really should have known Nicky Jam (really dig the song) and I’m shocked SHOCKED I tell you, that I did not know of a blonde that wears skimpy clothing and dances suggestively.
I am, however, hoping the Russian Mafia takes advantage to get some easy kidnapping/ransom money for Will Smith.
The Ceremony and the Opening Game between Russia and Saudi Arabia will take place in Moscow’s beautiful Luzhniki Stadium:
Coverage is as follows (all times Pacific):
English Language in the US (Fox)
7:00 AM – FIFA World Cup Live – Pre-game Show
8:00 AM – Kickoff
10:00 AM to 10:30 AM – FIFA World Cup Today – Post-game Show
***
Spanish Language in the US (Telemundo)
5:00 AM – Opening Ceremony coverage
7:00 AM – Hoy en la Copa Mundial – Pre-game Show
8:00 AM – Kickoff
10:00 AM to 11:00 AM – Hoy en la Copa Mundial – Post-game Show
***
English Language in Canadia (TSN/CTV)
7:00 AM – Pre-game Show
8:00 AM – Kickoff
10:00 AM to 11:00 AM – Post-game Show
***
French Language in Le Canada (RDS)
5:30 AM – Direction: Russie
6:30 AM – Le Monde Du Sport Gillete
7:00 AM – En route vers la Coupe Du Monde 2018
7:30 AM – Avant-match
8:00 AM – Le Match
10:00 AM à 11:00 AM – Après-match
***
As you can see, Fox coverage suuuuucks. Add to that the fact that only two of the six Fox broadcast teams are in Russia. The rest will broadcast games out of the Fox studios in West LA and let’s see if they can avoid traffic to get there on time.
The only thing they have going for them is Kate:
As far as Telemundo is concerned, they are sending all their broadcast teams to Russia and are partnering up with Google and YouTube to provide over 1000 hours of additional online content on top of the games being live-streamed on the Telemundo app.
Yeah.
The French coverage in Canada, for some weird reason, also seems to be superior to the English-language coverage.
My suggestion, therefore, is to pretend you are on vacation in a foreign land, wake up at a time different from normal, and watch TV in a foreign language.
Add a beer or two and it’s the cheapest vacation ever.
Except you can also comment here!
This’ll be Russia’s biggest win since the 2016 election.
This better be on the banner.
Kinda obvious tho
How many Fox viewers just started dialing 911 after seeing ‘Osama’ on that player’s shirt?
“I knew Obummer was lying!!!”
Just made myself a meatball grinder for lunch out of some leftovers. The dog was outside, on his line, with the back door closed.
I took the meatballs out of the fridge and set them down on the counter and he hit that door like it stole something.
LOL dogs are awesome
My cat appears out of nowhere every time I open the refrigerator. Every time.
Is her appearance accompanied by a puff of smoke?
No, just lots of meowing.
17 for Saudi is a forward who hasn’t scored a goal in a year? He’s the Arabic Scott Gomez!
The Russians are doing to the Saudi men what the Saudi men usually do to their slaves, er, hired help: Scoring at will with no regard to what the other wants.
“Oh sure, get some international attention and just forget all about us!”
-Riyadh Goat Union Local 666
It’s a funny commercial you guys, because everyone in the back of your favorite McDonald’s is an illegal immigrant living in stark terror of being ripped from their homes and families! But they love lesser footy!*
*edited as per request
Lesser Footy is the preferred vernacular please, Dude.
Dark skinned Families being torn apart by white folks for no reason?
And they say slavery is dead. SMH
It dawned on me last night that most black Americans have ancestors that were here long before those of most white Americans. I’m as “REAL AMURRICAN” as you can get and mine only goes back 100 years, tops.
Around 06, I worked with a guy who was African-American. I asked him where in Africa and he could’t tell me because as far as he could go back, his great-great grandfather was living in America. Really nice guy who was originally from Florida and shared some incredible hot sauces with me during our lunch breaks.
On a related note, remember the 40 year old Virgin joke about black babies being born on probation?:
“CalGang, a database widely used in California, listed 42 infants under the age of 1 as active gang members.”
https://theintercept.com/2018/06/11/new-york-gang-database-expanded-by-70-percent-under-mayor-bill-de-blasio/
Also, because plenty of people gather to watch soccer at the local…McDonald’s?
Too good for you, Mr. Applebee’s?
Applebee’s? How white trash. I’m a Denny’s man.
Oh look, fellows, we’re in the presence of royalty!
/adjusts monocle
//scratches balls
A Fox News viewer flipping through the channels now has internalized the notion that MS-13 is plotting gang activity in their local McDonalds.
That’s why we have to rip breastfeeding babies away from MS-13 tits.
If they die in the Mexican desert it’s just God’s will.
13 tits sounds like what happens as a result of a RUNTIME.EXE error in a Saudi Arabian computer simulation of the afterlife.
So the afterlife is a Windows environment? Damn.
Go ask a local uniformed police officer and I bet you one imaginary dollar he hears of such a citizen report this week for reals.
Originally read this as “uninformed police officer” but really, what’s the difference?
THIS JUAN PIZZI, I CALL MOHAMMAD BIN SALMAN BECAUSE THERE’S NO STRATEGY INVOLVED AND THE SAUDIS ARE CLEARLY LOSING TO AN INFERIOR OPPONENT.
How the fuck does Luis Suarez have a commercial for anything other than bite guards?
Are they for oddly-shaped dental dams?
No, Gatorade. Although I did originally have dental dams in the comment, but then I figured no women would let a buck-toothed piece of shit with a history of biting anything that gets close to his mouth anywhere close to her nether regions.
Yeah, that does seem like it would be unpleasant for the fair maiden.
Or a swarthy maiden. Any maiden, really.
Iron Maiden?
Good point, probably not a concern for Margaret Thatcher.
The studio guy just described Saudia Arabia’s problem as “having no idea how to play with the ball”, which seems like it would be a pretty big issue in soccer.
The fact that they have given up two goals doesn’t speak so highly of their ability to play without it, either.
#1 was offside, but yeah they just shit their pants on the 2nd
I actually got to see Saudi Arabia v Morocco at the old Giants’ Stadium in the ’94 World Cup. 1-1 draw, I think. I remember the Moroccan supporters were scattered all over in the upper decks, and the Saudis had a perfectly manicured cheering section, right on the 50 yard line, of course.
What has two thumbs and is waiting for a replacement windshield only to be called at the last minute and told that it showed up broken, sorry about that, hope you didn’t have any plans today!
THIS GUY!
Good job Safelite, good effort.
SAFELITE RENEGE, SAFELITE RETREAT
This is going to end for the Saudi Arabian team the same way as all the non-Scheherazade wives in 1001 Nights.
Whomp there it is.
Something tells me Helga and ladies like her visited the Saudi team last night
“Shows great patience in the box!”
What is something no one’s ever said about Rick Pitino?
God damn, look out everybody SonOfSpam is fully awake.
You can’t prove that.
/mainlines 4th Diet Dr Pepper
//snorts crushed Oreos
Good finish, but all I’m really getting from this game is hoo-boy Saudi Arabia sucks.
Their defenders are so little!
That’s actually good refereeing, playing advantage and then not falling for the obvious dive.
(referee’s Gatorade spiked with polonium)
I wonder what your average friendly wager between a Russian oligarch and a Saudi oil magnate might look like? “We win, I get to raise the price of fuel oil for your country 5 cents a barrel, you win: 10 beheadings of your choice.”
“If I win, I get Lindsey Lohan for a week. If I lose, two weeks.”
“I’m not only the spokeswoman for lawyers.com…I’m also a client.”
“Que mala fortuna…”
I got that!
“He’s got a 38-year old soccer brain as well…”
So, massive CTE from all those headers?
CTE? What’s that?
— NFL and NHL
weakness leaving the body!!
I really like the economy of the Russian attack here, which appears to consist of paying off a single linesman.
It’s a long tournament. Gotta spend the bribe money wisely
The rest were just threatened!
I think the Saudi goalie’s name is “Oh My Oof”
What was the bet Putin has with the Saudi? Oil fields? Control of Syria?
72 comely virgins
A blowjob from Jared Kushner.
He’ll be very popular in Rikers
They’re in the process of closing Riker’s in the next few years. But they can just leave him there in that case.
Sorry, all I know is what I hear on Law and Order.
Man, if I knew it was this easy to score on Saudi Arabians within fifteen minutes I would have hit on more girls when I was in Riyadh.
+71 virgins?
“The 71 Year-Old Virgin: A DFO Commenter Retrospective”
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL
Nice. So happy for Russia and Vlad and Trump.
OFFSIDE!
Not by the pass recipient(s).
Damnit, I was hoping to use this Telemundo broadcast to practice my Spanish but I am now expecting the only word I’ll be able to understand is “Goal”.
which you may nae hear in this one
Oops
So who wins the battle of human rights violators?
I think of it more of a battle between two countries whose entire economies are based around producing greenhouse gases.
I’ve watched this game for all of one minute and I’m already aware of how bad Saudia Arabia is going to do in this tournament.
Nice thing about this match, no confusion as to which side is who.
“Huh?”
– my dogs
So did we all hold our nose and pick Russia in the pool? (go meteor)
FUCK NO! I even has moneys on a Saudi win and draw!
/ok, only $40 and $50 respectively, but still. Even I have standards. Minimal standards.
Good. I hope you make money. And donate it to the Trump’s charity (WHICH IS BEING SUED BY NY LOLOLOLOL)
Saudis did score in the 2nd half of last friendly v. Germany, only lost 2-1. So…maybe?
Indeed
Huh. The FIFA War Room has a lot less unmarked bills in it than I would have thought.
It’s a rare day indeed when the head of FIFA can stand in the middle of a 3-man portrait and only win 3rd Most Corrupt In The Frame.
Total Football…and FUCK TOM BRADY!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUNgHDC7r44
This song just came on over my iPod, which I am blasting over the Opening Ceremony.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCkKG-069RE
It’s a good song. That is all.
get Hanta-AIDS and die, you weasel-ferret pig fucker
mute button engaged, only because I lack a teleporter and a really good butcher knife
Putin sighting! Everybody drink!
how do the Saudis have a black guy?
Lured him in on a tourism visa and then swiped his passport?
Or is that just how they build all their stadiums?
Inshallah!
Soccer slave
I know there was Anna Netrebko and Gergiev. And Gergiev’s toothpicks. Which could be a fantasy conducting league team name if there was such a thing. There is no such thing.
I know you’ve looked! 😀
You kidding me? It’s 10:51 local time which means wake up and watch Price is Right!
I’m pretty sure the girl in the Coke commercial was just holding a highly poisonous frog in her hands.
“Coke. Because you’re going to be dead in ten minutes anyway.”
Russia is doing a great job satirizing itself.
This Opening Ceremony reminds me of the Olympics, assuming the Olympics had a Pimps & Hos Ball competition.
I am specially enjoying the booty shake from the sparkly red soccer girls.
Would that be a summer sport or a winter sport?
What’s cut-rate Morrissey singing?
Nothing. Much like most of the women in my past, he’s faking it.
Welcome to the one day in history where Saudi Camelfucking Arabia are the good guys.
Whoa! Let’s not get carried away here…
Ok, this pregame show is not conducive to proper workplace soccer viewing. I can’t go jack it in the bathroom. I’m not an animal.
http://www.thesportsbank.net/core/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/ana-jurka.jpg
On the bright side, Telemundo has a bunch of hot chicks in their coverage.
On the not so bright side, their “Opening Ceremony” coverage so far consists of people talking about how excited they are for the World Cup to start.
As Nicky Jam’s video shows, proper Puerto Rican serenades require more than a hundred subwoofers.
WORLD CUP BABY! Here’s the info for the DFO pool:
Link: https://www.pooltracker.com/join.asp?poolid=149105
Password: Balls
The winner gets this by mail, at no cost:
I can testify this is amazing.
Also, I will throw in a Chinese knockoff fútbol jersey of the winner’s choice with anything you want written on the back.
No watching el futbol for me today, so I’ll be following along as I avoid work as much as possible.
?w=525
This whole thing is on FOX?!?! That should go well. And I love that it kicks off w/ Russia v Saudi Arabia. WINNER GETS TO COMMIT THE MAJORITY OF U.S. ELECTION INTERFERENCE IN 2018!!
And/or blow up a building.
potato, potato pronounced wrong
[throws down clipboard] – Israeli soccer coach