Russia 2018–World Cup Day 5: Navigating Monday

Dodging work on Monday is especially difícil.  FFS, I actually have a conference call scheduled for this afternoon.  I for reals have to talk to other carbon-based life forms on the fucking phone, during the World Cup.  SIGH.  First World problemos.  Anyway, above is Tunisian Kenza Fourati, because reasons ok!

Group F – Sweden (+105) v. South Korea (+320; draw +205) (8:00 EST, FS1)

Damn, this is when I should be doing work.  This match has nil-nil written all over it, though it shouldn’t.  Each side really, truly, desperately needs all three points with pissed off Germany looming.  But it’s not really in their nature to go for it, especially non-Zlatan Sweden.

Prediction: nil-nil Draw, and lots of questioning your life choices

Balls: I also think this has draw all over it,  but I think the defenses are too weak for it to be 0-0. I will be watching this game intently to see what México has in store for them in the next two games.  I’m hoping for a lot of red cards and injuries.

Predicción:  I reckon a 1-1 tie will work even though a Sweden win would most likely make next weekend’s game against Germany a defacto elimination game for Ze Germans (a loss and they’re out).

Don T: You’d think that México’s win yesterday—i.e.,

Via culturacolectiva.com

 improved the expectations of Sweden and South Korea. I’m not so sure; any way you look at it, these two teams are the bottom dwellers of the group. Sweden’s offensive play gives heart to all fútbol haters. I’m not saying they’re a bad watch; but if you’re looking for action, you’d do better with an Ingmar Bergman film. South Korea, I’m rooting for you guys to win today and defeat Germany. Tottenham’s Son Heung-min could avoid mandatory military service in South Korea if the team goes far. Oh man; I couldn’t last one day in a regimented and shouty atmosphere. Hey, I already went through childhood—PASS.

Predicción: Sweden 0 : 1 South Korea

 

Group G – Belgium (-526) v. Panama (+1600; draw +575) (11:00 EST, FS1)

Ah, now we get to the good shit, group G!  On paper, this looks like a blowout, and likely gets there eventually.  But Panama could muck things up for quite awhile, and this torneo has not exactly been kind to massive favourites expecting to stroll into their more competitive stages without too much bother.  Still, De Bruyne and Lukaku make for must-see TV, and in the end they are just too damned much for the Canal Zoners.

Prediction: 2-nil, Waffles

Balls: This is the game,  based on Wakezilla’s preview,  where we actually could get injuries.  It will be interesting to see how the Belgians cope with Panama’s… aggressiveness.  Yeah,  let’s call it that.

Btw, I love when Hippo calls Belgium the Waffles. It always reminds me of this:

Prédiction: 3-0 Les Belges.

Don T: Belgium’s hella intriguing. The players are so talented that even Phil Jackson wanted to coach them. But the coach, Roberto Martínez…

[pensive emoji]

I like Martínez, but let’s be honest: he’s mostly a name. He is great on TV giving opinions and has overachieved in English fútbol with very bad teams. But give Martínez a mediocre team and he will not make them better. Those are my impressions; you can take your “facts” elsewhere. I have no idea if the players respect Boberto, but they are stars and young-ish. Thus, the diva potential among players is strong, which means a rift could turn into a mutiny after a couple of bad outings.

Per the preview, I’d expect Panamá to harass the Belgians and throw them off mentally. A scrap would be nice too, and ejections once the game’s outta hand. And I will love them for it because panameños speak the lingua franca of the Caribbean people: timbales and cowbell.

Predicción: Belgium 3 : 0 Panamá, five yellow cards.

 

Group G – Tunisia (+750) v. England (-225; draw +320) (14:00 EST, FS1)

Holy crap, notice how they put even merry ole England on FS1 today.  I smell a conspiracy afoot.  Anyway, even stronger is the stench of recent British failure on the world (and continental) stage, and I think it continues here when they can only rally to salvage a late point against their game North African foes.  It will indeed be foreshadowing of bad tidings to come.  Jordan Pickford will do yeoman’s work to keep Tunisia at 1, but be slated in the yellow English press because he plays for Everton and that’s just how they roll.

Prediction: 1-1 Draw, lots of tea sets smashed to bits

Balls: I do not like English football.  I do not like the style of play,  I do not like the hype the Premier League gets,  and I do not like how badly English teams (club and country) play in International tournaments.

I specially don’t like that New Order put this song out:

I mean,  I like the beat,  but the lyrics are cringeworthy.

And that’s the problem with the English National Team.

The players are likable enough and not assholes like their older predecessors.  On their merits,  they should achieve some success this World Cup.  However,  the English Football establishment and the coach are unfortunately tied to a tired style of play not in sync with the rest of the world.

Prediction: A 2-1 England win that will have everyone in England thinking THIS IS THE YEAR until they inevitably crash back to earth.

Encore seulement parce que j’adore lire le français sur la peau d’une très belle fille:

 

Don T: This is the best of the immense crop of similar English taeks:

It’s kinda vexing that the English fans have morphed from deluded overconfidents to “we won’t make it past the group” self-deprecaters. It’s like they went to bed as Giants fans and woke up as Jets fans. I see through that shit: go fish for compliments elsewhere, assholes.

Fun fact: England is the only team in the World Cup composed exclusively of players from its domestic league. Sadly for the 3 Liouns, none of its players is from South America. I like this team, though–especially Kane, Alli and Sterling. And Gareth Southgate; he seems like a very professional manager and, in interviews, he speaks like a human capable of emoting. But let’s be clear: if England has a good campaign, it will NAWT be a “feel good story”. The English ain’t lovable nor underdogs. And while we’re at it, after starving India in WWII, I’ll say Churchill was a genocidal racist who’s gotten a lotta mileage out of bon mots and incredibly functional alcoholism. Enough with the Churchill; we’re well into the XXIst Century, people.

The highlight of Tunisia’s qualification for the World Cup was impressively concise prose. The Eagles of Death Metal Carthage qualified for the World Cup through a team made up of players from the Tunisian league. Then, for Russia 2018, the manager cut several players and recruited fellas born and raised in France. It’s well known that arrivistes screw team chemistry, but you don’t need much esprit de corps to park the bus.

Predición: England 1 : Tunisia 0.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Sharkbait

Ice footbal news: Ice Redacteds need a new coach.

scotchnaut

Wah? That’s weird.

theeWeeBabySeamus

At least he won’t have to go the White House.

scotchnaut

Given his last name, he’d just mess it up.

scotchnaut

First Half Report: Kane was good but Sassi was able.

SonOfSpam

If Kane doesn’t improve, he won’t see Eden next week.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Ow! The ball hit me!”

“You’re fine.”

“No I’m not. Just look at this mark! Look how red it is!”

scotchnaut

Anyone hungry? I could whip up a little egg shakshouka if you’d like.

Sharkbait

I can download some right?

litre_cola

One of them fancy printers should do the trick.

scotchnaut

If you can afford it, the Gutenberg 3000 has ALL the friskets and platens.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Your shakshouka brings all the boyz to the yard?

scotchnaut

I snorfed.

theeWeeBabySeamus

It’s amusing to have closed captioning on and watch as they try to get these names correct.

Sharkbait

England can’t buy a goal.

scotchnaut

Remember when you were a kid and you wished so hard for that thing that you wanted and you got it for Xmas? This isn’t that but it’s really fucking close.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It certainly has the potential to be that…

scotchnaut

[puts hands on hips, tilts head]

“Oh you!”

scotchnaut

“Oh! Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the colonies?”

-Brit Football Supporter

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I missed it earlier; why did the Tunisian keeper get subbed out?

SonOfSpam

Had to attend a suicide-vest fitting.

litre_cola

Those are made months in advance. Impossible to change.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Come on, England! Implode like we all know you can!

Sharkbait

LOL England.

SonOfSpam

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litre_cola

This is delicious.

scotchnaut

C’mon Ton of Asians!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Sharkbait

Well this is interesting.

SonOfSpam

How is one of Tunisia’s players named Dylan? Maybe Jaxxordan will sub in for him later.

Sharkbait

I just want to see someone get sent off.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And now we’re back to the Germany jokes.

scotchnaut

Dmitri Sentoff is on the Russian squad, you putz!

scotchnaut

Not gonna lie. Not a big fan of Sassi’s attitude.

SonOfSpam

Tunisia’s best player is…

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scotchnaut

Got my eye on you…

/also-I miss Chris Farley

SonOfSpam

Russian mosquitoes just gotta be hammered, right?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

England should be up, what, 6-0 by now?

Sharkbait

At least 3-0

scotchnaut

I’d prefer not to live in a world where England is good at football, thank you very much.

Sharkbait

Darkest timeline confirmed.

ballsofsteelandfury

They’re not. Tunisia is just Saudi Arabia bad.

scotchnaut

Spam’s ‘mom’s house’ comment reminded me of an incident way long time ago-

She came back from a visit to the States and presented me with over-sized cans of Bud or Coors Lite that weren’t available up here at the time. Whatever. I threw them in the fridge and they stayed there for a few weeks. On a scorching day I dragged one of them out and started in on it. Old mom freaked out. “What are you doing?” I replied that I was drinking a beer. “But I didn’t expect you to…”

I went to the back yard and finished it. She got me some beer but didn’t want me to drink it in front of her because that’s just…wrong?

/fin

SonOfSpam

Surely that beer wasn’t for DRINKING.

scotchnaut

I think she wanted it to be treated as a keepsake that I could one day hand down to my own children.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My family had a can of Billy Beer that was like that.

SonOfSpam

Makes sense, as he was the good Carter.

SonOfSpam

If I were Tunisia’s manager, I’d have started the goalie named “Ben Mustafa” because of his badass name.

SonOfSpam

PAWN HUMPS KANE. BISHOP HUMPS KANE. KNIGHT HUMPS KANE.

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Sharkbait

It’s good to be the Kane.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sadly, it doesn’t seem likely that this game is going to end in a hilarious loss for England.

Sharkbait

Own goal incoming…

SonOfSpam

Moar liek two-nilsia imo.

SonOfSpam

“On it.”

– 18th century Russian horse.

theeWeeBabySeamus

On my way to the beer store and back, I passed a church. On this church’s marquee (do you call it a “marquee” if it’s advertising church or just a “sign”?) was this…

Stand For The Anthem
Kneel For The Lord

Yes, I was tempted to go in and meet the person responsible. But I didn’t.

SonOfSpam

Sounds like they’re getting political. Remove their tax-exempt status.

theeWeeBabySeamus

One of the very points I wanted to discuss.
The rest would have just been me calling them stupid.

Which is why I opted to keep driving. Well that and I wanted to drink one of the beers I’d just bought.

SonOfSpam

You did the right thing. It’s senseless to try to talk morality with Christians.

theeWeeBabySeamus

The beer is good, too.

SonOfSpam

Why aren’t they playing the other version of God Save The Queen?

scotchnaut

/English drunk with a history degree is told to keep it down

“Oh Crimean river ya dumb Ruskie!”

SonOfSpam

brb…gonna go join new Space Force.

Looking forward to separating baby Martians from their parents at edge of Earth’s atmosphere.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh, like bugs have ever interfered with a sporting event!

http://mlb.mlb.com/images/5/2/4/158598524/joba_bugs_med_gu561gs3.gif

scotchnaut

Did some more homework. Guess what? There isn’t a ton of Asians on the Tunisian national football team. That name is very misleading.

SonOfSpam

Does everyone at least wear tunics?

scotchnaut

Without looking, I’m betting ‘no’.

theeWeeBabySeamus

If they secretly replaced the Tunisian team with the German team, how long would it take England to notice?

LemonJello

/should I make a “Battle of Britain” joke or a “Battle of El Alamein” joke
/freezes
/makes neither

theeWeeBabySeamus

I was indeed making a poorly constructed Afrika Korps reference.

Wakezilla

Nothing until penalty kicks

scotchnaut

Someone might have to scoot down to the beer store just to see if they have any beer down there and if they’re offering it up for sale to the general public.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I too am “Someone”, btw.
SOLIDARITY!!!!!!

LemonJello

Is this “beer store” you speak of a local, or national chain?

scotchnaut

‘Tis an Ontario-wide thingy because the gubment runs it. Beer is slowly sneaking in to the Walmarts and some grocery stores but it’s a slow process up here in the wild.

Game Time Decision

I’ll go by the LCBO and get you a 6.

SonOfSpam

Local Cold Beer Office?

Game Time Decision

haha
LCBO=Liquor Control Board of Ontario

The Ontario version of the Liquor Store. Again run by the gubment. But has beer, but not 24’s due to more dumb laws.

SonOfSpam

Wacky Canadians. (But I’ll gladly visit Vancouver again any time someone wants to pay for my airfare and hotel and food and drink and whores.)

theeWeeBabySeamus

With just a few letters changed, this becomes VERY different kind of party.

I’ll go by the LGBT and get you a 6

.

SonOfSpam

(It’s his mom’s house.)

SonOfSpam

LOL at Ed Werder trending on Twitter.

Spoiler alert: He’s an idiot.

scotchnaut

“A Cup Debut, A Loss, Panama.”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Weirdest Haiku ever.

Wakezilla

This went from being a moral victory worth building on, to meltdown city so fast, you’d think you’d think Henry Morgan was Belgian

scotchnaut

Yeah, a kick to the mid-section will get you a yellow, deBrainless.

Sharkbait

But this wasnt:

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scotchnaut

“Well, of course. As you can clearly see, the top part of the cleat is clearly NOT in contact with the chest. Therefore we can say without reservation that this is not a valid yellow card. We have spoken.”

-NFL Replay Officials

Fronkenshteen

Panama do take their pound of flesh, don’t they?

scotchnaut

“This Lukaku fella is taking his game and his name to the next level.”

-Kaka

Fronkenshteen

If I ever get up the nerve to play pickup soccer with the local Latino guys, I’m going to christen myself “Gordito”.

Fronkenshteen

Trying to think if I have any points at all in the pool…

Sharkbait

I forgot about the pool. I know I made picks at least

Wakezilla

I made picks to just enter, but I know a lot weren’t what I’d normally go with. I need to find some time to just make some corrections

scotchnaut

“Uh, guys?”

-Me, holding a bottle of maple syrup

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

Thirds on the waffles.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

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scotchnaut

Unless he gets subbed for, I’m betting that the Panamanian that mouthed off to the ref gets a second yellow before the end.

Sharkbait

Has anyone been sent off yet?

scotchnaut

Nerp.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

Second helping of waffles