Russia 2018–World Cup Day 5: Navigating Monday

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

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Dodging work on Monday is especially difícil.  FFS, I actually have a conference call scheduled for this afternoon.  I for reals have to talk to other carbon-based life forms on the fucking phone, during the World Cup.  SIGH.  First World problemos.  Anyway, above is Tunisian Kenza Fourati, because reasons ok!

Group F – Sweden (+105) v. South Korea (+320; draw +205) (8:00 EST, FS1)

Damn, this is when I should be doing work.  This match has nil-nil written all over it, though it shouldn’t.  Each side really, truly, desperately needs all three points with pissed off Germany looming.  But it’s not really in their nature to go for it, especially non-Zlatan Sweden.

Prediction: nil-nil Draw, and lots of questioning your life choices

Balls: I also think this has draw all over it,  but I think the defenses are too weak for it to be 0-0. I will be watching this game intently to see what México has in store for them in the next two games.  I’m hoping for a lot of red cards and injuries.

Predicción:  I reckon a 1-1 tie will work even though a Sweden win would most likely make next weekend’s game against Germany a defacto elimination game for Ze Germans (a loss and they’re out).

Don T: You’d think that México’s win yesterday—i.e.,

Via culturacolectiva.com

 improved the expectations of Sweden and South Korea. I’m not so sure; any way you look at it, these two teams are the bottom dwellers of the group. Sweden’s offensive play gives heart to all fútbol haters. I’m not saying they’re a bad watch; but if you’re looking for action, you’d do better with an Ingmar Bergman film. South Korea, I’m rooting for you guys to win today and defeat Germany. Tottenham’s Son Heung-min could avoid mandatory military service in South Korea if the team goes far. Oh man; I couldn’t last one day in a regimented and shouty atmosphere. Hey, I already went through childhood—PASS.

Predicción: Sweden 0 : 1 South Korea

 

Group G – Belgium (-526) v. Panama (+1600; draw +575) (11:00 EST, FS1)

Ah, now we get to the good shit, group G!  On paper, this looks like a blowout, and likely gets there eventually.  But Panama could muck things up for quite awhile, and this torneo has not exactly been kind to massive favourites expecting to stroll into their more competitive stages without too much bother.  Still, De Bruyne and Lukaku make for must-see TV, and in the end they are just too damned much for the Canal Zoners.

Prediction: 2-nil, Waffles

Balls: This is the game,  based on Wakezilla’s preview,  where we actually could get injuries.  It will be interesting to see how the Belgians cope with Panama’s… aggressiveness.  Yeah,  let’s call it that.

Btw, I love when Hippo calls Belgium the Waffles. It always reminds me of this:

Prédiction: 3-0 Les Belges.

Don T: Belgium’s hella intriguing. The players are so talented that even Phil Jackson wanted to coach them. But the coach, Roberto Martínez…

[pensive emoji]

I like Martínez, but let’s be honest: he’s mostly a name. He is great on TV giving opinions and has overachieved in English fútbol with very bad teams. But give Martínez a mediocre team and he will not make them better. Those are my impressions; you can take your “facts” elsewhere. I have no idea if the players respect Boberto, but they are stars and young-ish. Thus, the diva potential among players is strong, which means a rift could turn into a mutiny after a couple of bad outings.

Per the preview, I’d expect Panamá to harass the Belgians and throw them off mentally. A scrap would be nice too, and ejections once the game’s outta hand. And I will love them for it because panameños speak the lingua franca of the Caribbean people: timbales and cowbell.

Predicción: Belgium 3 : 0 Panamá, five yellow cards.

 

Group G – Tunisia (+750) v. England (-225; draw +320) (14:00 EST, FS1)

Holy crap, notice how they put even merry ole England on FS1 today.  I smell a conspiracy afoot.  Anyway, even stronger is the stench of recent British failure on the world (and continental) stage, and I think it continues here when they can only rally to salvage a late point against their game North African foes.  It will indeed be foreshadowing of bad tidings to come.  Jordan Pickford will do yeoman’s work to keep Tunisia at 1, but be slated in the yellow English press because he plays for Everton and that’s just how they roll.

Prediction: 1-1 Draw, lots of tea sets smashed to bits

Balls: I do not like English football.  I do not like the style of play,  I do not like the hype the Premier League gets,  and I do not like how badly English teams (club and country) play in International tournaments.

I specially don’t like that New Order put this song out:

I mean,  I like the beat,  but the lyrics are cringeworthy.

And that’s the problem with the English National Team.

The players are likable enough and not assholes like their older predecessors.  On their merits,  they should achieve some success this World Cup.  However,  the English Football establishment and the coach are unfortunately tied to a tired style of play not in sync with the rest of the world.

Prediction: A 2-1 England win that will have everyone in England thinking THIS IS THE YEAR until they inevitably crash back to earth.

Encore seulement parce que j’adore lire le français sur la peau d’une très belle fille:

 

Don T: This is the best of the immense crop of similar English taeks:

It’s kinda vexing that the English fans have morphed from deluded overconfidents to “we won’t make it past the group” self-deprecaters. It’s like they went to bed as Giants fans and woke up as Jets fans. I see through that shit: go fish for compliments elsewhere, assholes.

Fun fact: England is the only team in the World Cup composed exclusively of players from its domestic league. Sadly for the 3 Liouns, none of its players is from South America. I like this team, though–especially Kane, Alli and Sterling. And Gareth Southgate; he seems like a very professional manager and, in interviews, he speaks like a human capable of emoting. But let’s be clear: if England has a good campaign, it will NAWT be a “feel good story”. The English ain’t lovable nor underdogs. And while we’re at it, after starving India in WWII, I’ll say Churchill was a genocidal racist who’s gotten a lotta mileage out of bon mots and incredibly functional alcoholism. Enough with the Churchill; we’re well into the XXIst Century, people.

The highlight of Tunisia’s qualification for the World Cup was impressively concise prose. The Eagles of Death Metal Carthage qualified for the World Cup through a team made up of players from the Tunisian league. Then, for Russia 2018, the manager cut several players and recruited fellas born and raised in France. It’s well known that arrivistes screw team chemistry, but you don’t need much esprit de corps to park the bus.

Predición: England 1 : Tunisia 0.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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scotchnaut

[exhales]

Sharkbait
bk109
bk109

As a frequent flyer (and a private pilot) the only thing you must worry about in an incident like this is that Russian pilots know how to make do with less and even one engine is plenty ’nuff… But seriously, engine failures aren’t really something too major, lol. Hell, once we lost two on a climbout from EDDF in a 747 and the only real danger I was in was for trolling a pair some bankers seating beside me about how I we’ll totally end up on a MAYDAY eppy 😀
Edit: By the way, if you’re ever flying next to someone particularly annoying, you may want to point out the wing flex and moan about the wings ARE WOBBLINGOMAIGOOOOOOOOOOD XD

Senor Weaselo

If they had managed a draw it would have been several birds into several engines!

scotchnaut

Brit Interviewer: [licking the tip, gently cupping the balls] “Harry Kane, what does it feel like, being the greatest footballer of the moment?”

HK: “Huunnngggggg”

BI: “Well, there you have it! Harry is absolutely speechless!”

Beerguyrob

Anglofreude – the relief one feels when the Three Lions craps out of the tournament.

scotchnaut

“BRING ON MALTA! WE’RE READY!

-Brit Fans

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

As I mentioned below, this result should do a decent job of getting England’s fans’ expectations up to where they need to be in order for us to be able to enjoy their inevitable collapse properly.

ballsofsteelandfury

Indeed. Never mind the fact that they couldn’t hit the side of a barn

bk109
bk109

But don’t worry, because the lack of fitness and a game plan so unimaginative and bland that it caused Big Sam and Roy Hodgson to get a 3 hour boner each is totally the ref’s fault

Sharkbait

WTF happened to the Saudis?

theeWeeBabySeamus

– TSA agents on a daily basis

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
theeWeeBabySeamus

/raises eyebrow

So you’re saying the house will be for rent?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yes, and I believe the hookers now have some available time on their schedule, too.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Announcer who sounds like an asshole: “This is NEW England”
England: Hell no, we’re not going there again.

scotchnaut

“Our team squeaked it out against Tunisia in the last minute. I couldn’t be more proud.”

-Brit Fan

bk109
bk109

“Yeah, we [barely] beat Tunasia? Tunaisia? Eh, We beat some people from a place with no booze! IT IS OUR YEAR!!!!!!!!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

England fans will look at all the missed chances and declare that as soon as those start going in (next game, they predict) this England team will be absolutely unstoppable.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I need to remind myself that this is kind of like watching Kansas City build a halftime lead in a playoff game. Sure, I want the schadenfreude NOW, but I know in my heart it will taste better if it has time to cook properly.

litre_cola

I was just thinking that.

Horatio Cornblower

Sad fezzes are sad.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You know that guy that everybody keeps talking about how great he is? Let’s see how great he is if we leave him completely unguarded in the box!” – Tunisian defenders, apparently.

Horatio Cornblower

You, sir, shall hear from my copyright lawyers.

Who are a bunch of Puerto Ricans with a PO Box and no electricity.

Don T

A bunch requires a $2,000 retainer. And a gross of D batteries.

Beerguyrob

So, they’re coming through Philly?

Sharkbait

Might wanna cover that guy.

Horatio Cornblower

Why would you cover Harry Kane?-Tunisia, apparently

Beerguyrob

Well, now I feel robbed of all those hawt taeks. Should I dial 999?

Sharkbait

011-8-999-881-99-9119-725-3

Beerguyrob

You magnificent bastard.

scotchnaut

That is not right at all. Fuck mediocre England!

litre_cola

WE CANNOT HAVE NICE THINGS!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah, nuts.

bk109
bk109

Fuckno… it had to be Kane 🙁

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve gotten absolutely zero accomplished today. Sorry, I’ve gotten absolutely “nil” accomplished today.

I can’t believe you assholes got me to start watching this stuff. I’ll never forgive any of you.

Beerguyrob

How can Margaret Thatcher be blamed for this result?

bk109
bk109

Easily and with an astoundingly profane language 🙂

Beerguyrob

I’ll need an over/under on “cunt”‘s used.

bk109
bk109

Erm, you know that “Yo/Oi cunt” is practically a term of endearment over ‘ere (well, technically over there, for I am stuck in Germany at least a couple more weeks)

Beerguyrob

Yes, but there are tonal ways to tell the difference, if the time spent around my Scottish relatives has taught me anything.

bk109
bk109

Yeah, it’s actually part of the naturalization process for Ireland as well.
You’re shown 10 clips of people using the word “cunt” and you got to rephrase that using proper words. I got 9 outta 10, I sure as shit didn’t realize that “ya fuckin’ cunt” meant ” Goshdarn it, I’ll need a bigger socket wrench from the truck”

Beerguyrob

It was easier to follows in the 80s when she was closing the coal mines.

bk109
bk109

In the 80s I was, er… yeah… not really around to the very end,lol .. and not from Northern England/Scotland, so I can despise her on a more intellectual level (and I am actually conservative-ish leaning… or “pinko-commie-left” on the US scale)

Beerguyrob

Ahh, a fellow Red Tory.

bk109
bk109

Fine Gael, actually (though with the occasional vote for Sinn Fein for teh lulz)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Tunisia in full-on clock-killing mode. I haven’t seen such foot-dragging by a bald brown person since Jimmy Graham tore his patellar tendon.

litre_cola

He plays basketball you know.

scotchnaut

Given how much they love roundabouts, it’s no wonder the Brits are so bad at corners.

Beerguyrob

comment image?resize=360%2C270&ssl=1

Sharkbait

England continuing their assault on Tunisian goalkeepers.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I love how soccer players spend five minutes recovering from collisions that happen a dozen times every single snap on a football field.

scotchnaut

Just throwing this out there-it’s like they really aren’t hurt at all.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ben Amor….I LOVE THAT GUY!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Probably woulda made more sense if I’d said I used to love that guy.
I think I really do need to be committed….errrrr, go for a “rest”.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Eh, he’s no Gumbercules.

theeWeeBabySeamus

See, that’s the kind of reference which is gonna get me put away.
Now I’m thinking we need adjoining rooms.

scotchnaut

“Singing songs in unison isn’t working. Anyone got any ideas?”

-Brit Fans

Sharkbait

“Drink?”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Brush our teeth?”

scotchnaut

England’s extraordinarily unimaginative offense does have some drawbacks…

litre_cola

Please let the result hold. There will be so many taeks from the English media it will be phenomenal.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I wish England had a player named Trippy and another named Trippiest.

scotchnaut

-Timothy Leary

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ha!

scotchnaut

Was going to accuse my son of ‘borrowing’ a bottle of scotch on the weekend and then decided to conduct one last search of said bottle. I found it laying on the back seat of my vehicle where I had left it. I don’t care who you are-that’s good parenting.

LemonJello
LemonJello

That sneaky son-of-a-gun took it, then left it where you’d think you left it and got away scotch-free!

/Cat’s in the Cradle softly plays in the background

scotchnaut

My vote for the worst cover ever-

Can’t make it work. It was Johnny Cash covering said tune.

Sharkbait

Another corner? Another opportunity for Kane to get mauled?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Me: Mom, why did you take the hummingbird feeder down?
Mom: It had ants all in it.
Me (laughing): THAT’S HOW YOU GET ANTS!!!!!
Mom: [stares blankly]

I really need to stop throwing out references which are obscure to her while laughing.
I think she’s considering having me committed.

Which might not be a bad decision anyway, I suppose.

scotchnaut

Don’t ever stop trying to make yourself laugh. It’s fantastic therapy. (I say to myself)