Here is some half-arsed analysis from a half-arsed Hippo who is no longer watching Torneo Del Diablo.  My cohorts will do better.  Me did find nice picture FOAR teh peoples.

Group G – Belgium (-300) v. Tunisia (+850; draw +400) (8:00 EST, Fox)

Tunisia are liquid shit, but they still almost got a result v. England, ’cause #LOLEngland.  Do not expect a repeat against Mighty Romelu Lukaku and Silky Kevin De Bruyne.  Plus the 10-12 other Waffles who are better than anyone Tunisia have to offer.

On the bright side re Afrika, Weezer just released the bestest cover in EVAR:

Pickin’ Sans Grinnin’: Waffles 3, Piles of Sandy Sweat nil

Balls:  I cannot wait until the Waffles play England.  It’s going to be such an utter destruction, it’s not even funny.  However, I DO have to wait for a few days as this game is first.  Since both countries speak French, I will do the rest of this preview in la langue de l’amour,  le français.

On peut dire que le français est aussi la langue du sexe.  ¿Avez vous faite l’amour en français? ¡C’est magnifique!

¿Quoi?¿Vous voulez que je parle des équipes et pas du sexe? ¡Connard! D’accord.  Les Tunisiennes n’ont démontré rien dans le premier match.  Les Belges sont… formidables.  C’est une de trois ou quatre sélectionnes qu’ont une très bonne chance de gagner la Coupe Du Monde.

Prédiction: Belgique 3 Tunisie 0

Don T: Tunisia is the last remaining Arab team in Russia. After today, they can plane-pool with Saudi Arabia or Egypt.

Predicción: Bélgica 2 : 0 Túnez

Litre_Cola :  Can we have a France Belgium final? Is that possible? I would like that. Not bad on the French Balls except no upside down exclamation points. Anywhoo I think Begium will take the Tunisians out back and give them a good spanking. This could be the year for them. Lukaku looks to want to prove people wrong, and they may have matured to the point of becoming elite. Tunisia is a country who has footballers who couldn’t hold on against the English. As much as we all want to see the English fail we can all agree that it will be more fun later on. Back to Tunisia, if they couldn’t control Harry Kane then how the hell are they going to fare against Lukaku?

Prédiction: Belgique 3 Tunisie 0. The Tunisians are not going to fare well.

Wakezilla: Belgium is one of the few favorites that actually played well in their first game. Unlike the shit shows occurring in Germany, France and Argentina, everything seems to be relatively calm and quiet. They played like they were supposed to in their first game, which is half the battle for teams expected to go far.

Tunisia didn’t play very well against England and will be without their starting goalie. With that said, they still almost managed to get a point. In many ways, last match against the English was a good morale victory for the Tunisians and should give them some confidence heading into this game.

Prediction:

The Waffles may start off slow against Tunisia, but I seem the breaking through in the second half and defeating Tunisia 2-0, thanks to Big Rom and Hazard.

Group F – South Korea (+475) v. Mexico (-150; draw +260) (11:00 EST, Fox)

Unless El Tri are still so hung over they can’t even walk, Spurs’ Son (I ain’t looking up his’n entire name) better go ahead and get fitted for his’n military gear.  Boy howdy, I am getting you totes hype for this, eh?

Pickin’ Sans Grinnin’: Dull 2-nil win FOAR El Tri

Balls: This is a big game.  It’s so big, Judge Smails would pull out the ole Billy Baroo:

If México can win this and Sweden beat Germany,  the Germans are out and the next game (México v Sweden) is for first place in the group.

Unfortunately,  México has a history of choking in these types of games.  I don’t know if it’s a lack of killer instinct or a shot of overconfidence,  but I could easily see them tying or even losing this.

The saving grace is that Osorio has engaged with a mental strength coach to get the players’ mindset in the right place. They firmly believed they could beat Germany and they did. Osorio hit it right on the spot that the Mexicans’ weakness was mental. We’ll see if that has been fixed.

Predicción: There is no way I can give an objective prediction when I care about the outcome.  Luckily,  I know this and I don’t bet games I care about. I will, optimistically,  call this a TWBS for México.

Don T: After that pitiful showing against Sweden, haul Son’s conscripted ass to La Mili, as the Spanish call it. I’ve said too much about South Korea.

¡México te amo!

Via @AndyFucks_

What a game against Germany. That could’ve easily been 3-0 if Chicharito weren’t as gun shy as he is overexposed in Hispanic media. Can the guy actually accomplish something before giving him the Ronaldo* treatment? Jesus Christ.

* Any Ronaldo / Ronaldinho.

I have a feeling México will just get better. In World Cups, goalie Memo Ochoa has proven to be less impregnable than Elizabeth I. Coach Osorio is a calm, professional guy.

Via @Miguelinho_Lua

Back when everyone in Mexico wanted Osorio fired (i.e., anytime before last Sunday), players spoke up for him. They called out fellow Mexicans for criticizing bigotry abroad, but giving Osorio shit for being Colombian. That’s heady stuff, but it was broadcast on HBO Latino, so I’m guessing any waves made were minimal. Still, players believing in míster Osorio before it was cool bodes well for El Tri.

Predicción: México 2 : 0 South Korea

Litre_Cola:  Who am I to get in the way of Landon Donovan’s #2 team. I mean he has been supporting them since he played with a Mexican when he was 4! Come on! I see this as our part of the world getting a bit too big on El Tri and are thinking Nice Korea is a pushover. They are not. The Mexicans will want to use the same defense the Swedes used on Son and have 2 to 3 guys shadow him. Could they have a letdown game after beating Ze Germans and having mini earthquakes back home?

Predicción: México 1 : 1 South Korea this game will look to be going towards TwBs territory but there will be a goal at the death.

Wakezilla: Since Juan Carlos Osorio took over for Mexico, Los Taco Bells has been playing some incredible lesser footy. The rational side in me thinks Mexico will blow it as always, especially playing in Europe. But this tournament is different. Everything seems to be flipped upside down. With what Los Taco Bells did to Germany last week, maybe it’s time to believe?

A loss for South Korea would eliminate them from competition. As I said in the South Korea preview, there has been loud murmurs in Korea stating that if the team puts in a bad showing, military eligible players will have to put their career on hold to serve in the Korean military. If there was ever an incentive to win a game, that would be it. Given the magnitude of this game, Korea might play a more attacking game. So we might see some goalies on the counter.

Prediction:

This feels like a trap game for Mexico—a team still on a high from beating Germany. While I don’t think they’ll totally shit the bed, I think we’ll have an entertaining 2-2 draw.

Group F – Sweden (+575) v. Germany (-205; draw +340) (14:00 EST, Fox)

The last semi-consensual anal penetration of the day fittingly comes at the hands (fists?) of eleven angry Germans.  Your degree of sadism may vary.  Everything on Big Fox today, maybe there is driving in circles clogging up FS1.

I leave you today with a passage from the book I just finished, Tibor Fischer’s excellent “The Thought Gang” which is not German, but is in spirit with this tidy spot of truth, amidst whirlwind dark humour narrated by an alcoholic, burned-out philosopher turned bank robber:

You’ve got to pull the sledge, every day, all alone, with an ever-growing weight of jumbled disappointments and didn’t work-outs; there is nothing on the horizon.

Pickin’ Sans Grinnin’: Nazis 5, Terrified Blondes nil

Balls: Does sticking it in by mistake count as semi-consensual anal penetration? I mean,  you’re doing doggy and your mind is concentrated on not spilling the milk and you exit to cool down a bit and then you go back in but the earth’s rotation has shifted and climate change and…voilà.

FWIW, I got a bewildered “Huh?” and swiftly corrected only to find out later that she was ok with it and would have taken it like a champ.

Remember kids,  it’s what you don’t do that you regret,  not what you do do.

Speaking of doodoo, this German team is ripe for the picking.  I really think the Swedes could take them.  I think the last four years have not been kind to Germany’s stars and they are a shell of their former selves.

Prediction: As we all know,  we can’t have nice things, so I don’t think Germany’s elimination comes today.  Call it a 1-1 tie that maintains the drama until the last game.

Don T: 

This is me around the 70^th minute of a Sweden game:

Via giphy.com

Sweden plays like scoring is beneath them, caring only about frustrating the opponent and slow the game down to a crawl on congealing tar. With rocks all around. It’s antifútbol at its most boring, non-bloody worst—BUT…

People, we’re on the verge of another meltdown by a defending World Cup champion. Like France in 2002, Italy in 2010, and Spain in 2014, none making it past the group. All those teams were then dismantled, which seems like an undeserved and improbable end to the Löw Männer. Still, something to watch for, ‘cause this game’s gonna be a grind. Another thing to watch for: the Hummels Sucks Watch™ continues.

The referee will be Syzmon Marciniak, from Poland. The German FA site says he was “a resiliently impartial figure” in the Slovakia 0 – 3 Germany game at the 2016 Euros. Tch. Way to sweet talk the ref beforehand, you apple polishing droids. Makes me wish Podolski and Klose were still on Die Mannschaft, so the ref could resiliently mutter to them “traitor” after fouls. Scratch that last part; both of those guys could score.

Predicción: Germany 1 : 1 Sweden (on a PK).

Litre_Cola: Well, well, well, the Krauts are in trouble and don’t have a pansy team to take their aggression out on. Had this match been against the Koreans it would be ugly. As Don T said Sweden is boring as hell and they fucking love to frustrate you. Zlatan ain’t walking through that door he’s busy talkin shit and taking names in the MLS. The Swedes have no electrifying players now that Zlatan, Ljungberg are long gone. In fact at 1st glance I do not know a single player in their starting 11.

I do however think the Germans will win their next 2 games and they will go through. I just do not see the complete collapse as the aforementioned World Cup winners who lost in the group stage. Would sexy swinger manager Löw lose his job if they were eliminated this early? Would the Turkish-Germans be shunned due to Erdogan-gate?

Prognose: Deutschland 2- Sverige 1. Things get real interesting in this group.

Wakezilla: Things have been going swimmingly well for the Krauts. First they lost to Mexico, now they have been holding press conferences stating that there isn’t a divide in the locker room. That’s always a great sign going into a must win matchup. Low has made some roster changes: Ozil is out, Reus is in, Gundogen will likely replace Khedira and Hummels’ neck injury could cause him to be benched for Rudiger. The Sauer Krauts better have learned their lesson for Mexico, or the Giant Killer, Sweden, might beat and eliminate Germany from competition.

Luckily for Germany, Sweden could be in huge trouble. Three players, including starting central defender Pontus Jansson, remained at their training grounds on Friday after becoming ill with a stomach bug while the rest of the team flew to Sochi. Additionally, forward Isaac Kiese Thelin hurt his ankle in practice and did not train on Friday when the Swedes worked out.

Prediction:

No one wants to be remembered as the most talented team to never make it out of group stage. Assuming the illness the Swedes have isn’t alcohol related, the Meatballs could have a lot more than just 3 players affected by the flu. Whether the Krauts like each other or not, I think they’ll rebound from last week’s game and defeat Sweden 2-1, thanks to a two goal night by Muller.