Yes, we got our dream Waffles/Les Frogs matchup. And the peoples rejoiced. Now, it is time for the back-alley abortion side of the bracket. Join us, won’t you? It still beats goddamned baseball.
England (-115) v. Sweden (+385; draw +220) (10:00 EST, Fox)
Merry ole England has Evertonian Keeper Jordan Pickford to thank for its continued life in the tournament. It glosses over how flaccid the Cuck Liouns’ attack was against a slow-footed Coca Bros. defense. Sweden…will be a stout test, especially if they are resting on their laurels and expecting to coast into the final and meet their destiny against the rival French. Spoiler alert: They will be.
Wild Ass Guess: Everyone’s favourite angry touchline Grandpa and his Swedes advance, 1-nil (normal time)
Litre_Cola : First of all I would like to thank Hippo for the spelling of favoUrite. I will not be lining up at 6 am for the 8 am kickoff for this. When you read this I will be very hungover with a toddler most likely screaming at me. Anywhooo why are the English playing Alli when they should be playing Loftus-Cheek? This is thus far the only error that I can say Southgate has made. Apart from being English that is. Do I think that England will advance past this?
Prediction: England 1- 1 Sweden, England advances on penalties because of course they do.
Balls: I’m looking at those odds and I’m thinking that if I still had my online sportsbook account, I’d put a tenner on Sweden to win in regular time.
I’ve been listening to Sirius XM FC a lot as I’ve been driving for work a lot recently and the overwhelming sensation I get from the mostly English hosts is cautious optimism in the Charlie Brown-Lucy sense. Maybe this time she won’t pull the football away?
I don’t like either team. That’s not fair actually. I do like the English players and I like how Southgate has made the team likable. It’s the “It’s Coming Home” bit that bothers me. Yes, you invented the game a hundred years ago.
Thank you.
That, however, doesn’t entitle you to shit and if you were to somehow win this tourney, it wouldn’t mean you play the best football.
Prediction: I don’t have to worry as it won’t happen. Sweden 2 England 1.
Wakezilla: Sweden, the 2017-2018 giant killers, continue to get overlooked by everyone in the lesser footy world. It’s hard to believe England is the favorite when Sweden has defeated Portugal, France, Italy,Mexico, Switzerland and other tough teams since 2016. In terms of watchability, they are boring as shit and completely bad for the game. However, they are incredibly difficult to beat.
As for England, I will be cheering for them as they play an entertaining style of lesser footy. Admittedly, their media and their right wing fans are really, really making it hard for me to support them this game. I’ve already said my piece during the round table about the hypocrisy of these right wing scumbags, so I’ll just skip this part.
The stars seem to be aligning for the Limies to reach the Finals. (More on this in the second preview) They beat a tough Colombian side on penalty kicks. Psychologically, that PK win was huge for their confidence. As long as England plays their style of game and not play down to Sweden’s diarrhea gameplan, they should emerge victorious. Or at the very least, Kane will likely be rewarded with another penalty kick.
Prediction: The lesser footy gods will reward England for being the more aggressive side. As a result, England will beat Sweden 1-0, on a Harry Kane penalty kick late in the first half. Fuck Sweden’s bullshit style of play.
Croatia (+115) v. Russia (+295; draw +200) (14:00 EST, Fox)
It’s been a fun ride for the hosts, but the Murder Checkerboards won’t be having any of it. His name is Luka, he lives on the second floor, and he will pick the lock all day long and then some. Putin will claim this match violates Rooskie anti-sodomy laws.
Wild Ass Guess: 4-nil to the good (which really is the former Yugoslavia for once)
Litre_Cola: Russia has loaded up on PED’s so I think I will leave this one to the cat.
Proricanje: Croatia 2- Russia 0, problem is that the Croats take too many yellows and many lads will be absent for the English semifinal. Of course they will be. England has had the cakeiest of fucking cakewalks this tourney and it will continue.
Balls: I will be proudly wearing my Murder Checkerboard jersey at the dentist’s office as this game kicks off. I hope that’s a good omen for the Croatians.
It’s just a teeth cleaning, so there should not be any pain. Which is what I expect this game to be for Croatia. On paper, this is a game they should win. The last time I wrote the words “on paper”, though, we got a nice upset.
In Thursday’s roundtable discussion, I went out on a limb and said that Russia would make the World Cup final. If they get past Croatia, I will wire Hippo $100 to bet on that outcome.
Prediction: Croatia 2 Russia 2. It goes to penalties and Russia advances. Yes, I said it.
Wakezilla: I’m not sure what to think anymore. Overnight, Russia went from being a lesser footy backwater over the past decade, to being 3 wins away from being World Cup champs. Huh?
The key matchup for Russia is if Dzyuba can overcome Croatian defender, Lovren. If he can win that battle, Russia has a shot at winning this game. However, they have managed just two shots over the past two games, which isn’t going to cut it against this Croatian side.
Croatia narrowly escaped defeat against Denmark. It’s not too concerning as they controlled a lot of the play and they had to overcome a wall, also known as Kasper Schmeichal. If Russia didn’t have home field advantage and World Cup host friendly refs, I’d say Croatia would easily defeat Russia. This is not the case, so it’s going to be a super close game.
Proricanje:
Russia has been a good story, but it’s time for them to go away. Croatia will beat Russia 1-0 in a very close game. Modric will score on a free kick in the second half. One huge reason why this game will be close is because Croatia might avoid being physical, thus veering from their game.
The big concern for Croatia is yellow cards. They’re playing the host, which means they’ll likely receive yellow cards. This is bad because Sime Vrsaljko, Marcelo Brozovic, Vedran Corluka, Ivan Rakitic, Ante Rebic, Mario Mandzukic, Tin Jedvaj and Marko Pjaca all have yellow cards, meaning they would miss the semis if they were to receive a card today. Hopefully they escape card free, but if they don’t, Croatia will be ripe for the pickings by (hopefully) England.
England through the to semis. God save the Queen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvMxqcgBhWQ
Someone already edited the wikipedia page.
Dare I say that the Swedes have met their Waterloo?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sj_9CiNkkn4
Knowing me, knowing you…uh huh.
English politeness extends to the field
So, whoever wins France vs Belgium will be World Cup Champion right?
Let’s hope.
Nope, Russia will beat Croatia, because Putin will show the Croat team pictures of their homes with bomb sights superimposed for when he invades as the stick and as the carrot they get to be leaders of the “cleansing” squads after he invades.
If Croatia can survive unscathed today, maybe not
So, I’ll presume everyone hates England even more now?
I can get on board with that I suppose.
Nah.They were the lesser of two lesser footy evils
Is Whitey Ford on the field cause heeeere come the flops.
Stupid sexy Swedes.
The girls aren’t bad either.
Anyone seen any Swedish strikers?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WDly1Oc_P4
I’d rather see some Swedish streakers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq4OtRsdXls
Not since workers’ safety measures were enforced on the ennui mines.
True Fact: August Strindberg discovered the first mine-ready vein of ennui 30 kilometers north of Uppsala.
You can tell the one second from your left is the smart one, because she’s the only one wearing sensible shoes.
Fun fact: the sensible one is NOT the one you want to hit on, if you are me.
She will not sing fairy tales, she will not bring fairy tales.
Sad Swedish fan is sad. Also hot.
Her lingonberry milkshake brings all the Bjorn’s to the yard.
/edit
Jah.
Too bad you can’t grow bananas in Sweden, otherwise they’d have a chance.
That’s Hulk-quality! “Brazil still in spirit in Russia 2018.” -Univision (probably)
Reply fail. Pickford’s ass is mesmerizing.
well, I can go run some errands now at least
Sweden definitely The Urine Troubles right now.
How many babies do we have to sacrifice to prevent the budweiser ad team from seeing that goal or gaining knowledge of Dele Alli?
Hard to say, we’ve been killing babies for months to get the dilly dilly thing to end with no luck.
“All the female ones?”
-Nigeria
“Hey!” – China
Yes…yes…get those English hopes up!
I haven’t seen an attacking force so offsides since 1939
I was more than a little surprised that VAR wasn’t at least consulted there.
I haven’t seen a global force of peacekeeping overseers so complacent since 1939!
I haven’t seen Sweden treated this badly since the Peace of Westphalia…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-WO73Dh7rY
During shower mrs Cola comes in to vomit due to “ryeflys” basically rye and coke races. Chugging whisky is a thing here.
litre_cola household (artist’s conception):
litre_cola household (conception by the artist who does those Dogs Playing Poker paintings):
Nice save by Thickford
Absolute unit, that lad.
/obligatory
Never mind.
he do got DAT badonkadonk (and will scream mercilessly at his teammates – he really let Granny Fucker Rooney have it a few times).
Remember when some people were questioning why Joe Hart didn’t at least get a roster spot?
Hart has been absolutely dire for two years, and Pickford has played amazingly in front of tire fire defenses at Sunderland and Everton those same seasons, respectively.
Honestly, Hart was typically bad whenever he played for England and I’d argue he was over-rated when he played for City.
This announcer on Telemundo sounds contemptuous every time he says “Ma-GUIRE”.
¡Lo es! Lots of gritted teeth and forced smiles from the Telemundo crew.
take notes, yellow English press – this Cuck Liouns side is ded meat without Everton’s Jordan Pickford. NAWT part of the Sky Five.
“Damned sneaky underhanded English press…” – Bill Parcells
Not hungover today, but definitely suffering from dehydration/heat exhaustion. Not looking forward to leaving for work in 5 minutes? Ah shit!
/Isn’t even dressed
Just tried to smother myself with my pillow due to rye hangover. Did not work. Would not recommend.
May Deciliter not torture you today
Does Decilitre have any Pedialyte, or Pedialyte-like products? That stuff is magic on hangovers.
No. Noted though
The British Fans are Fired Up!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8D7IZMRupM
The English announcers’ reaction to the English goal makes me feel much better. Mostly because a white woman leaped into the arms of a black man and I’m pretty sure that’ll give Farage an aneurysm.
Apologies to you British types. “Aneuuuuurysm”
Still the best Raheem
https://youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=vOsb6crHook
Though both Radio and Sterling could’ve been better at finishes smh..,
If you see a dashing young gent sporting an Eddie Bauer cap at your alcohol-purchasing place in the next few minutes, say hello to me.
Every Swedish player’s name sounds like a different variation of cheese.
Stirling shut down so hard he’s gonna have to change his name to Pounds.
Pickford looks spooked, like he just watched a Chaplin film.
What are the English singing?
This is just a guess
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s11BuatTuXk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZN239G6aJZo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJqimlFcJsM&frags=pl%2Cwn
stop trying to make me set moneys on fire FOAR Sweden!!
I’ve no idea why I got out of bed this morning.
“Habit?”
-a nun
Weak prostate?
yeah, this always overcomes creeping doom
“Duh, because it’s time for breakfast.” – Andy Reid
“Cause the monster underneath it is finally gone now that the sun is up?” – Eli Manning
“Cause smoking in bed is dangerous? There’s no vaccine for a house fire.” – Jay Cutler
Suicide equipment?
-Alan Vega
I’m rooting for England but, goddamn, every time they do a good I’m forced to recall that Nigel Farage is happy and I just want to hang myself.
You know what this needs? The world’s most expensive cheese. Moose cheese from Sweden.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Wk6aIoATwA&list=PLAhMtjfsQsERCijGLID8abm-19oSQe63A
Swedish mood
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DkQBPpun0M
The first Spiderman with the score!
what smells worse an English Football Fan or Surstromming?
Great no call
What’re we calling Sweden, anyway. Meatballs? Futons? IKEAs?
the floor is wide open for nominations
Björn Borgs
Sverigeia?
Abba
“The Urine Troubles”?
/yellow jerseys, you see
Volvos?
I like Fightin’ IKEAs because it reminds me of what my wife and I do when we go furniture shopping.
The Neutrals
Shopping at IKEA is more entertaining than this…
“Well shackled so far.”
Who knew soccer and dominatrixes had so much in common
Have we gotten “entire team PED odds” on the hosts yet?
/Dies of three self-inflicted shots to the chest, then I turned over or something, then two to the back of the head
In my experience, guys that play with just one ball are usually on some kind of PED.
I would love to bet Russia today. They are pure evil.
Folks
Horse torturer.
Irresponsible Space Explorer.
Iffy Historian
Moment component
I don’t know why, but for some reason I hate Tripper’s stupid face.
“I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding on your part.”
-Chrissie
The upside of this tilt is that there shouldn’t be very much rolling around on the ground and moaning. (Unless you’re into that)
/puts lotion away
Please let the Engloids score quickly so Sweden has to attack. Thank you.
Swedes usually stop in Normandy for a few hundred years before attacking Enlgand
Deep cuts, baby!
[takes off monocle]
“Boffo preview lads!”