Your “We Aren’t Family!” Sunday Night NFL Football Open Thread

Outside of Aaron and his family no one much knows why he and his family are estranged. In tonight’s episode of Wildly Irresponsible Speculation, I thought I/you (down below) might throw some ideas together as to the reasons. I’ll use some of my own experiences and those of people in the public spotlight to whip up some ideas.

-He was regarded as little other than a tool to accrue wealth for the whole gang. (MacCauley Caulkin)

-His porn star parents were extraordinarily disruptive on-set during his nascent film career. (Thora Birch)

-When he was kidnapped his family refused to pay the full amount of the ransom and he lost a part of his ear as a result. (J.P. Getty III)

-Now that he’s successful, his family thinks of him as a real, live ATM. (Dana Carvey)

-Father introduced him to coke and incest. (Mackenzie Phillips)

-Father accused him of having ‘mental issues’. (Angelina Jolie)

-Mother took him to court to get her monthly allowance raised from $7,500 to $10,000. (Leighton Meester)

-His mother’s spaghetti wasn’t really that good. (Eminem)

-His father tended to be very preachy. (Madonna)

-His parents were, in his words, “Tearing him apart!” (James Dean)

-His dad would walk through the house at all hours yelling “STELLA!” (Christian Brando)

I’m sure y’all can think of more. TO THE GAME!

Pack/Pats:

Edelman is in and Gronk and rb Michel might be out. They’re thought to be game-timers. Green Bay has been creative at getting pressure and that has resulted in 3.3 sacks per game to date. Clinton-Dix is gone so there may be some shuffling in the secondary. If you know what’s good for you, turn the damn audio off.

You’ve got something in your teeth.

 

 

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jjfozz

I’M DRINKING LIKE IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT AN DHTIS WILL NOT END WELL. I WILL NOT BE 100% TOMORROW. FUCK

yeah right

That’s why every year starting in mid October I use my vacation time and take every fucking Monday off for the rest of the year!

Solid use of my annual 4 weeks of PTO.

yeah right

Love ya Fozz!

Doktor Zymm

There are maybe 3 people at work who deserve my 100%, and if they ask they get it. They will not ask tomorrow.

Old School Zero

Worf, ya done fucked up and transported Picard and Dr. Crusher to the wrong coordinates! INTERCEPTION!

Spur

So the Cardinals are the Red Shirts?

Dolph Ucker

Did you know the Patriots are the least penalized team in the league?

Spur

$$$

jjfozz

THIS JOE FLACCO, I CALL HIM UGLY GIRLS I FUCKED ON SATURDAY NIGHTS, CAUSE HE’S THERE ON SUNDAYS, RUINING MY LIFE

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I’m in a Scientology keeper league, and man they’re serious as hell.

Spur

and quiet as fuck.

Old School Zero

The Zero household is switching over to TNG for an episode… so I will now start commenting on Picard’s excellence and obvious superiority over all other starship captains.

Senor Weaselo

It seems that the Ice Giants skaters are trying to see how many shots it’ll take for the Ice Bills to score a second goal and tie this game, especially because Lundqvist is playing fucking amazing tonight.

jjfozz

and i coudl see that cunt donald trump making nice with the nazis, not the japanese because he’s a racist cocksucker, but the nazis, yeah. i could see that.

jjfozz

got back int ooman in high castle – oooooh boy

Fronkenshteen

Well this game turned into a big bucket of monkey shit.

Spur

Anyways, back to Lilith Fair. That’s has to make boatloads of cash if revived right? I could see Lorde and similar acts signing on.

Doktor Zymm

The best fucking bar in the world: http://www.sidebarbaltimore.com/

Doktor Zymm

SO MANY NAZIS HAVE BEEN BEAT UP IN THE PARKING LOT OF THIS PLACE!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Oh i thought you said “Beat off” for a second.

jjfozz

Nazis should be beaten off using sandpaper and gravel.

Viva La Tabula Raza

With ground glass for lubricant.

Doktor Zymm

For the record, in Baltimore, at least 15 years ago, it was Hammer Skins

Doktor Zymm

And there’s nothing bad enough for em.

jjfozz

excellent neighborhood

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

How’re we doing tonight boys? Vikes won today, Brees and Kamara pushed my fantasy team to a respectable 6-3, and I’m full of great food and drink. Hope life is good for all y’all too.

jjfozz

Colinsworth’s blood type? easy: Tom Brady’s Semen.

jjfozz

Big Ben with the Star of david on his cleats today – complete fucking class. fucking class. and i hate him, but still, complete class

Spur

h
ttps://i.imgur.com/dWcNfGO.jpg

jjfozz

If pickup trucks’ statuses make you mad, fucking kill yourself and donate your ogans to sciens. because you fucking suck

jjfozz

b4inging an extra pair of pants to work tomorrow, why? cause i’m gonna piss myself laughing tlistening to sports talkradio after this ravens loss. oh, the anger and anger, you ould spread it over a crabcake and bite right into it

WCS

BOURBLE ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED

jjfozz

Also, i turn 50 next sunday and ms fozz gave me a surprise dbay party friday. and seriously i got about 15 fucking bottles of bourbon. no lie. oh we cong DRANK

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Note to self: Invite more people to 30th birthday party in a few months.

jjfozz

Completely worth it, it’s fucking fantastic. the haul wa epic

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I’ll get you some Class of ’87 special.

Doktor Zymm

I’ll pay for your drinks in the moment, buy I won’t buy you shit to take home with you. Next time I’m back in MD, if you want to go to Sidebar, drinks on me. And if I buy you a shot of Tuaca, you will gaddamn drink a shot of Tuaca.

jjfozz

You got that right. Tuaca fucking roooolz

Doktor Zymm

Oh I have some Tuaca fucking STORIES

Doktor Zymm

I may be a chick, but I have no qualms taking someone to the Block

Doktor Zymm

But I will also fucking leave you there while I go watch a show at a bar with cheaper prices, lol

jjfozz

Like I’ve never been left to throw up in the gutters of Baltimore. Waht else you got?

Doktor Zymm

Fun story. Couple of friends of mine were running to my car to grab beers out of the trunk. One of em was underage at the time (just graduated high school), and they took ages to get back and give me my goddamnn keys back. Turns out they ran into police, and my friend was rolling around on the sidewalk being a drunk bitch and yelling in German (NEEEEEIIIIIN). My other friend, Morgan (who became a stupid hipster) was all like, ‘oh, he’s just drunk’ and the cops looked at his fake ID, and he managed to yell out his correct fake birthdate, so they were like ‘Okay, but it’s still not okay for him to be this drunk on the street, just put him him in the car’ and he threw up all over my back seat for the second time, but I didn’t know that until Morgan gave me my keys back, and he was sleeping happily in his own puke. We drove back, his girlfriend went along with him not remembering that she broke up with him, cleaned up his puke and I got to keep all the beers left in my trunk.

Doktor Zymm

For context, this waas Davis and Lexington

The Maestro

Who’s inviting me to Thanksgiving this year? I’ll bring various delicacies from north of the border with me.

Doktor Zymm

If you want to make your way to Athens, you can totally sleep on my hotel couch

jjfozz

Good news, bad news. Good news, you can have dinner with my family and get drunk. Bad news, you have to go to post thandksivging diner with my wife’s mother’s goofy fucking fundies family. who suck dick and hate catholics. and don’t drink. but then again we smoke weed and party and make fun of them.

litre_cola

Who will be doing the dick sucking?

litre_cola

Tortiere, tarte au sucre and other pie based delicacies?

The Maestro

I asked for “crack pie” as my birthday cake coming up in a few days. This is tarte au sucre with a thicker pie filling, and instead of a pastry crust, it’s crushed up oatmeal cookies held together by more butter and sugar.

litre_cola

Holy fuck. I want that.

/looks it up and sends link to Mrs. Cola…..

Senor Weaselo

If I weren’t so beholden to my Joffre cake that would sound excellent.

Spur

If you can make it to the San Antonio there will be plenty of food. You like homemade tamales?

The Maestro

Does a bear shit in the woods? Sound delicious.

yeah right

Right here. Right fucking here!

There is always room at the right house!

yeah right

I’ll show you some savory goodness that will turn you American!

yeah right

Do you know how easy it is to get to my house?

Take a flight to LAX and walk south.
That’s it.

Doktor Zymm

What is the supposed historical context of Outlaw King? Is there one?

jjfozz

Dorks playing D&D?

Doktor Zymm

I think you’re giving Netflix people too much credit

Senor Weaselo

I think it’s supposed to be Robert the Bruce.

Doktor Zymm

Seriously? Wow….Fuck that inaccurate shit to hell

jjfozz

Been drinking since the Ravens game and fucking seriously what a fucking joke. My wife made some kind of brisket, which got in the way of hte bourble but i overcame. I overcame.

how you ugly motherfucking beauties doin?

The Maestro

Mmmm. Brisket. Now I’m hungry again.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

A little love for Shawn Colvin:

“Tawmy came home
with a fucked up hand
Tawmy came home
with a bag of Dunkin
Giselle was reading her book
Out by the pool
Tawmy came home
With Alex’s mission

He says, eat weird shit and you won’t die
And all regular docs lie
I smear shit on my eyes,
it improves my mind
Play till I’m 55!”

The Maestro

Gisele’s flicking the bean to that successful flea-flicker.

Spur

Three weeks until Thanksgiving. What are your plans?

yeah right

Cooking for 20 and drinking like a champion.
Grandmommies dressing don’t make itself.

Doktor Zymm

Going to Athens. Might eat some fish.

Old School Zero

Turkey has been reserved, thinking about using the grill rotisserie for it this year. Need to start charting out the rest of the feast items. Wife’s parents will be coming to join their out of town family friend who is also joining. Probably should invite the sixth guest soon.

Senor Weaselo

Good question! Don’t know.

nomonkeyfun

Hosting for the first time. Anywhere between 8 and 16 people.
These are friends so I don’t wanr to kill them.

Spur

Good luck. Variety isn’t bad.

yeah right

There’s a Sunday Gravy in the archives that will walk you through.

litre_cola

I am going to Ice Stamps v Ice Bombers the night before your thanksgiving getting extremely drunk and spending the day on the couch. Thank you for my “pd day”.

Spur

I’m going home to San Antonio for my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary

Old School Zero

If they run the flea flicker cover the free fucker.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Any broadcast that uses Folk Implosion’s “Natural One” is A-Okay with me.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Why does that melody create such a positive feeling in me?” – Marc Trestman

Doktor Zymm

Yes! I’m on a delay and just got it, but I think they’re just using the bass line and avoiding all the lyrical implications.

Old School Zero

Such a damn good song.

Doktor Zymm

I’m never more proud of being out of touch with popular culture as when I watch SNF commercials

nomonkeyfun

Was that an LL Bean Bloods and Crips ad?

rockingdog

that the add you talking about?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZL2KkqgIOg

nomonkeyfun

Yup.

Doktor Zymm

It was West Side Story, but not actually Jets Positivve

Spur

That makes Pier 1, MS 13.

Dolph Ucker

Patriots are good. I can’t even tell how they’re cheating.

Spur

Brady throw a duck

blaxabbath

Nice throw Brady!

litre_cola

That dude is totally banging his missus with the goat mask, or already has.

Doktor Zymm

As long as he ain’t wearing it while going South

litre_cola

Has a goat like tongue.

Horatio Cornblower

True Detective 3 looks like the shit.

I, uh, I mean that in a good way.

Spur

yep.

yeah right

I’ll watch that shit.

Spur

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Simultaneous real time and nostalgia boner

Horatio Cornblower

Well, time to see if all the hookers and porn starts meet a happy ending on the finale of Deuce!
/they won’t.

Dolph Ucker

He zigged where he shoulda zagged

Old School Zero

TFW you realize the grocery store you like sold you last year’s winter ale because this year’s isn’t out yet. Canned on Nov 7 2017? Eh, still tasted okay.

Doktor Zymm

Bottle aged, bitch

Old School Zero

If only!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

comment image

Old School Zero

I WILL CRUSH YOU… CAN! *glug glug glug*

...

Hoppy beers tend to age pretty quickly, but I’ve had Bourbon County beers from two or three years earlier that were great.

Old School Zero

Yeah. I have a nice backlog of bottle conditioned or barrel aged high ABV ones that I am waiting patiently to mature a little. This one (GD Hibernation Ale) definitely isn’t hoppy and it doesn’t taste off, though it doesn’t quite taste as good as a fresher can. I just got excited when I saw it in the store, and only feel a little bummed I paid full price.

...

I’ve had something similar to that happen to me before and I spent a lot of money on the mistake before realize I’d made it!

Old School Zero

Lesson has been learned. I mean, I knew this place isn’t a high-traffic beer spot and sometimes has limited releases other places has sold out of, but I didn’t even think twice here. But now I know. And knowing is half the bottle. Er, battle.

Doktor Zymm

Not saying was, but flip that and it’s a PI call

Horatio Cornblower

it sounded like it was physically painful for Cris to admit that Rodgers slightly* underthrew that ball

*by a good 10′

herodotus450

Trey Flowers: my standing order at the mexican flower place or a rapper who mostly collaborates with Nicki Minage?

...

Okay everyone… What if… hear me out… what if… we brought back Lilith Fair… but… BUT… we made it about… NFL teams?

*giggles and disappears in a cloud of pot smoke*

Doktor Zymm

I would really enjoy a Courtney Love take on yellow pants

blaxabbath

“[Hilarious Jerry Jones quote].”

-Jerry Jones

Spur

Lisa Loeb can run the option anytime.

Doktor Zymm

I would also enjoy seeing how they repackaged a song clearly about impotency

Spur
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“We would not like him added to our assualt stats, for the record” – USM

Spur

Wasnt someone on KSK going my Lt. Winslow?

blaxabbath

Clay Matthews seems like the inspiration for Ronald “Mac” McDonald.

Spur

Dammit Tammy. You stand and take that hit.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Oh you look so heavy with your 56 waist and
why don’t we see the ER today?
Take shelter on Lombardi’s statue
Desmond Howard run scorch
Would you like a Miller and get laid?

I will wash the cheeseheads,
if you hate all the Bears
Where is my John Kuhn?
Where is my Larry McCarren?
Where is my happy ownership?
Where have all the Packers gone?”

blaxabbath

Yippee yo, yippee yeah
Yippee yo, yippee yeah
Yippee yo, yippee yeah
Yippee yo, yippee yeah
Yippee yo, yippee yeah
Yippee yo, yippee yeah
Yippee yo, yippee yeah

...

*dies*

Horatio Cornblower

Brady’s strategy of falling over as soon as a defender gets within 3 yards of him is…interesting.

herodotus450

Can you really blame him though?

Horatio Cornblower

Nope. it’s smart.

blaxabbath

What’s wrong Brady? Didn’t do enough rubber band reps while getting your PED injection this week?

Doktor Zymm

Where can I go for a PED injection? I’m doing okay, but no reason not to make shit easier.

blaxabbath

Tb12 performance center at patriots place would be a good place to start.

yeah right

My gym offers weekly B-12 shots but I’m not sure if that qualifies.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Peyton Manning: [Starts to answer, then realizes he misheard and closes his mouth]

Spur

I heard the PED burns off the fat. Where can I procure said PED?

Dolph Ucker

Sit down, Tawmmy.

Spur

Hurry up and lose a leg Rodgers.