“OW MY HEAD!”

“UGH, MY STOMACH!”

“YIKES,  MY BALLS!”

These may be some of the thoughts going through Hippo’s head today as he is under the weather and has requested assistance in fulfilling his weekly report to you fine folks.

Now,  granted,  I do not speak hillbilly although I can understand it. Thus,  you will be spared your weekly lesson in North Carolina pill-affected drawl. In Hippo’s honour, I did have the RRRRRRRRRRRAMMIT game on in the background yesterday while watching Barça’s home game against Villarreal.

I also watched the other games available in the LA market so as to more intelligently (yes,  BIG question mark there) write about the Week That Was in the NFL.

TO THE GAMES!

Morning

Ravens at Falcons

Have I mentioned that Anita Cobos from BeIn Sports is not only beautiful,  not only has a captivating Spanish accent,  but also knows her shit?

She could have told you that the Ravens would go into The Asshole and come out with a smile as they beat the Falcons 26-16. Any resemblance to TWBS’ weekend is strictly coincidental.

Colts at Jaguars

So,  I’ve been watching a lot of Italian pasta dish videos on Youtube lately and I’ve discovered this really funny chef that has great recipes.  He’s speaking in Italian,  of course,  but if you speak Spanish,  you should be able to understand.  Well,  at least I can.  At the very least,  you can follow along and learn some good techniques.

Here is his Penne All’arriabbata:

That dish has more spice and interest than the 6-0 Jaguars win against the Colts. God help anyone that was forced to watch this game.

Bills at Dolphins

Ok,  seriously, is the girl from the Taco Bell commercial not the definition of “Yeah,  she’s hot as fuck,  but somewhere out there, someone is sick of dealing with her shit”?

You know who else is sick of someone’s shit? The Miami Dolphins. Amid increasing reports that Ryan Tannehill’s days as a Dolphin are numbered, somehow someway they managed to hold off the Bills at home 21-17.  Yes,  it’s the AFC East,  so big grain of salt and all, but the Fins stay alive for a Wild Card.

Bears at Giants

I have a couple of friends that teach filmmaking at different schools. The other day while I was on the toilet, I thought about a great assignment they could give their students: Turn this song into two short films/scenes,  one action-based and the other love/sex-based:

I’m an Eli Manning guy and I tell you he’s not losing it. He’s always been better than his brother,  he’s beaten the Patriots TWICE for Super Bowls,  and he just seems like a nice,  if not slightly dumb and dweeby guy.  So it brought me great pleasure to see his Giants beat the Bears 30-27 in OT.

Prophecy indeed.

Panthers at Bucs

As those of you that read my Sexy Soccer Saturday Thread know,  I went to the LA Auto Show on Saturday.  I test drove a Jeep Wrangler and I have to say I liked it. Would I buy one? Probably not,  but I’d definitely rent one for a fun weekend.

And that gives you more insight into my love life than anything else could.

I have no insights into the NFC South and how the Buccaneers managed to beat the Panthers at home 24-17. Maybe the Panthers are not who we thought they were? The Wild Card race in the NFC is now wide open.

Rams at Lions

Am I the only one that hears the name Quandre Diggs (from the Lions) and thinks of Archer?

Is that racist? I think that might be racist.

It should not be racist to say that the Rams’ Todd Gurley The Third (and really,  with that name he sounds like a guy from a rich old money neighborhood) is really smart. He AGAIN eschewed a TD to burn clock at the end of an eventual 30-16 victory. This burned off the Lions’ last TO and he scored on the next play so fantasy players were appeased.  I can see why Hippo likes this team even though they struggled most of the day.

Broncos at Bengals

Does anyone else get pissed off that Ford is using the Smokey and the Bandit song in their commercials? And why the fuck is it now Built Ford Proud instead of Built Ford Tough? Is Ford trying to appeal to the LBQTI crowd? Sorry,  Ford, those folks ain’t buying F150s…

Meanwhile,  Hue Jackson has brought his losing ways to Cincinnati as the Bengals lost at home to the Broncos 24-10. It couldn’t happen to a nicer coach, front office, and owner. I do feel bad for Bengals fans like Redshirt, though.  Will the pain ever stop?

Cardinals at Packers

I agree with Brick Meathook when he says that Ray Liotta hasn’t quit smoking cigarettes and is only taking that sweet sweet Chantix money.  I guarantee you he is sitting in his California beachside mansion right now lighting up after banging his Giselle lookalike girlfriend:

Josh Rosen is smoking hot as he led the Cardinals to a big 20-17 upset in Green Bay.  On the other side of the field, the tension between Aaron Rodgers and Mike McCarthy is as thick as the tension between Aaron and his immediate family.  It was time to GTFO for one of those two and it turned out to be McCarthy. FIRED after the game!

Browns at Texans

Is anyone else as sick and tired of that little bitch in the Land Rover commercial that is pissed off that she has to spend Christmas in sunny and delightful Palm Springs and so her parents drive off in the middle of the night to what I assume must be Utah as that is the closest place with that amount of snow and it takes about 5 hours from Palm Springs and really what kind of shit parents are these that cave in to her whims and set her up to be a miserable cunt and don’t fucking realize that Mt. San Jacinto is RIGHT FUCKING THERE in Palm Springs and has snow year-round and you can take a cool gondola/tram to the top and be there in the snow in literally 30 minutes?

Fuck,  people are stupid!

As further proof of people’s stupidity,  I present to you the many articles declaring that the Browns are back on the winning track! A simple trip to Houston showed how far behind the Browns really are.  Mayfield had himself a bad rookie game and they lost 29-13 to the Texans.

Afternoon

Jets at Titans

Is anyone as excited as me to watch the PG-13 version of Deadpool 2? It’s got about 20 minutes of new footage,  so I say that qualifies it as a brand new movie but a friend of mine doesn’t agree and a friendly wager has been made.  What say you,  commentists? Brand new movie or just a reissue?

It was the Same Old Jets as they threatened to win a game but returned to their own particular brand of home-grown suckitude. 20 new minutes of not sucking was not enough as The Mighty Tits came back to win at home 26-22.

Chiefs at Raiders

One of the other cool things about the LA Auto Show is that there was a section of the convention center devoted to the Grand Tour game and everyone could play.  I played it and it was quite fun. If I had a gaming console,  I would totally buy it. FWIW, I played as James May in his firetruck in a race of 3 laps around the Eboladrome and,  true to Captain Slow form,  I came in last. I also added a bit of Richard Hammond by crashing against the tire barrier.

Also coming in last are the Oakland Raiders as they fought valiantly,  but ultimately succumbed to the Khuntless Chiefs 40-33. On the bright side,  I picked up Ware in both of my leagues.  That still won’t get me to the playoffs.

Vikings at Patriots

I’ve mentioned before how much I love Bob’s Burgers.  The show is not only funny,  but it’s consistently funny.  Even a dud episode (and I consider any episode with Gayle in it a dud episode) has at least two funny jokes or scenes.

A noticeable exception is the Art Crawl episode as it cracked me up from beginning to end.  If you can’t laugh at paintings of animal assholes,  you are dead inside:

Speaking of assholes that are consistently good, Patriots patrioted over the Vikings,  as expected,  24-10.

49ers at Seahawks

Somewhat ironically,  I went to the Auto Show on the Metro because parking in DTLA is not only extremely scarce now with all the development,  but also pretty expensive. For a $7 All-Day Pass,  I drove to the nearest Metro station with an adjacent free parking lot and was able to exit the train one block from the convention center.

As I was sitting on the train,  I realized that I must do a post one of these days on the various eating and drinking options available on Metro routes. I know a lot of really good places (non-chain) within a one or two block stumbling distance from metro stations.  Stay tuned for that! Alas, this was not my experience:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6kV6LzV0Xc

On the other hand,  BeerguyRob must have REALLY enjoyed his road trip south of the border as the Seahawks beat up in the hapless 49ers to the tune of 43-16.

Evening

Chargers at Steelers

I don’t know about the rest of you,  but one of my favourite holiday season traditions is to buy and eat as much Italian Panettone as possible.  For those of you unfamiliar with this delightful dessert,  it’s a very light sweet cake that was originally made in Milan, Italy and is typically filled with dried and candied fruit.

Recently,  there have been some new flavour variations as I’ve seen panettones filled with new things such as chocolate and coffee cream. Regardless,  you’ll most likely find it in a now-traditional box with a fabric hook. If you find one and you haven’t tried it,  I suggest picking one up.  They also make great gifts for office types.

As is tradition,  the Steelers shat the bed on Sunday Night Football.  Collinsworth went to his hotel room to masturbate and Al counted his winnings from betting the Chargers plus the points. 33-30 was your final after Pittsburgh was offside three field goal attempts in a row at the end of the game. The last one made it through the uprights so the Chargers didn’t need a fourth.