The parking lot was full of cars, but everyone was already inside. We were late.
It was her company Christmas party and I really didn’t want to go, but a good boyfriend does what a good boyfriend does and the reason we were late was because we’d gotten a little frisky during the dressing up process.
As it was, we had basically half-assed the dressing job as I didn’t have my tie on and she still needed to fix her scarf/top ensemble. As we parked in a spot between the cars, I looked around.
There wasn’t a creature stirring, not even a mouse.
Balls: Hey, I don’t think your top is on right.
Her: What are you talking about?
With one swift move, I had undone the knot in her tied-up top revealing her Victoria’s Secret bra.
“Woops! My bad”, I said with devilish delight.
She gave me a look that told me I was a naughty boy but that she approved.
“I’m sure that was just an accident.”
“Completely”, I whispered as I pulled one breast out from its constraint.
“Hi! Haven’t seen you in a while!”
“It was literally 30 minutes ago!”
“Was it?”
I proceeded to put her nipple in my mouth. It was erect.
Out of the blue, a voice yelled out, “TO THE GAME!!”
***
The Vikings try to stake their claim to the last Wild Card spot in the NFC tonight as they visit the likely top Wild Card team in the Pacific Northwest, the Seattle Seahawks.
A Seahawk victory will all but clinch the final Wild Card spot for them and will leave a big pack of rabid dogs chasing that last Wild Card spot.
Should the Vikings win…., well, we might as well talk about me having a threesome with Betty and Veronica from Riverdale.
Enjoy the game!
I think we should have a Non-gendered Cowpersons T-shirt available for purchase. Seems like an MS Paint job for make it snow…
I would buy this as a gift for my Dallas fan buddy and then watch his temple throb after they lose in the Divisional round again.
DFO, #SpreadingJoyLikeGrossmanSemen
oh shit! Dave chappelle is in this movie?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znESQTt3L80
The parking lot was full of cars, but everyone was already inside.
Also describes what happens when you show up late to a gangbang
[pushes glasses up nose]
“Gosh Darn It! Again?”
Not only did the ravens fucking fuck that game up, i lost $10 – thanks you bleeding bunch of shitbags
I need 31 points from Wilson otherwise my 10-3 team is toast points. Ah, well…
DangeRuss running up ahead like a great green beacon for the defense. “OVER HERE GUYS”
Chris Carson’s towel looks like ESPN is trying desperately to censor his exposed butthole.
This has got ot be the most boring, inept announcing team in the world
Drew Magary described Booger as aggressively useless but I think it’s accurate for all three of them.
Booger’s on a Mars rover
I would love to understand their mindset of acting like the game is over and Seattle is curb stomping the Vikings…considering its only 3-0 and there is still a lot more airtime to fill.
It feels like they are trying to encourage me to turn off the game…
News outlets keep saying DeFilippo is a HC candidate next season and all I can say is PLEASE GOD TAKE HIM
I like Bobby Wagner. The guy doesn’t fuck around.
He’s not a conductor, right?
I feel bad about people being replaced by machines, but then I go to McD’s and those blockheads fucked up an order for a kid’s meal three times. Three. Fucking. Times.
Every time I drive home for the holidays, I have to get on I81. Its going to be even worse this year because i have to drive down to Johnson City, Tenn and then loop back up to Baltimore.
My sister got hit by a drunk driver like a month ago and naturally…she is not too keen on getting on the highway herself.
It takes about 10 minutes of being on I-81 before I start fantasizing every single semi truck driver being automated out of a job. I once got pushed off an overpass in Kingsport, Tenn, getting to a job site.
It will be amazing to watch the US insurance industry trying to compensate with the loss of revenue from Truck drivers causing chaos on the roads. I, for one, look forward to this.
I-81 in Virginia is the taint of the highway system.
The stretch of I-81 up north of me sees about an accident a week, it seems. Just ridiculously unsafe.
Oh the machines are awesome.
My local McDonald’s used to suck, but that’s because it was a training location. They’re a real bunch of professionals now, seemingly happy and tight-knit, and that’s a good thing, because there are a lot of senior citizens and immigrants around here, so the machines don’t get much use.
… except on Sundays. Then the regular crew all goes to church, and we get the churlish teenager backup team, which is awful.
Anyways, my point is that the quality of employee at McDonald’s depends entirely on who’s running the franchise and what they care about. If the people at your local McDonald’s suck, it’s because the owner/managers don’t give a fuck and are hiring idiots to save money, and the ordering machines facilitate that.
Charm sack
The only thing the guy gets right is my erect nipple. smgdh.
Is Trumps Wall free or do I need yo pay for it?
Wow, that Michelle/Michael bit is awful subtle for Ben. His fans are going to be disappointed it wasn’t called “Going Bananas” or something.
He makes Jack Chick look rational by comparison.
I’d 100% get an AOC nutcracker.
Be funny if somebody published the NFL “at least one BLEERGH every other play” memo.
If they give Kaepernick an NFL Franchise, we’ll know he has that memo.
Do you know why they loooooove those crazy stupid neon colors in the Pacific Northwest?
It’s because they are all dead inside. The weather is awful, the women all dress like lesbians (the lesbians dress like super-lesbians), and they are constantly being hit by dead fish.
That’s why.
Is there a whiter NFL fan base than the Seahawks?
Every seahawks fan I have ever met in real life opens up with “I liked them before it was cool to like them”
Its a fanbase of hipster douches…
That’s at least 95% of the reason that the city has so completely embraced soccer. Mark my words, if that ever becomes mainstream they will walk away from it like blackface.
Then indoor professional bocce will take over, or nine-pins or something.
It’s Seattle, so “speedwalking” is a real possibility.
It’s a reference to an old Seattle comedy show called “Almost Live”. It gave the world Bill Nye and Joel McHale.
The [REDACTEDS] until the strike.
Captain Dingleberry strikes again!
That was an actual facemask that didn’t get called.
makeup non-call? Or they are just guessing out there.
Hope you guys buy my new book:
So now BLEERGH is throwing flags on legal plays?
YUP. That was maybe worse than Q4 of Iggles/Non-gendered Cowpersons
Eh. Probably one official missed the offensive lineman reporting. Nbd.
If our eyes are watering, theirs must be swollen almost shut by now.
Dammit.
I’m impressed by the Seahawks’ cosplaying but I think they need rakes.
Can we refer to the Seahawks uniform color (which I haven’t actually seen yet) as “Hulkkake Green”?
I could post a GIF but I think its too NFSW for this site.
Its this, only its doesn’t end in a Tide Ad
SFW (stupid link is stupid)
https:// i.imgur.com/QOcESwV.gif?noredirect
The University of Oregon calls those jerseys “Tuesday”.
Viks can’t run the ball?
Truth be told, wearing this color is a smart call by the Seahawks. If they figure out how to beat the Vikings, no one will be able to copy their gameplan.
I, for one, like Seattle’s Slurm unis.
Okay, my eyes are literally watering because of the Seahawks green blurs after one freakin’ play.
That Xbox green is searing. At least Wilson can’t claim he couldn’t see his receivers.
That kicker for Seattle likes his fish fried
Come on Kirk do it for Drew! and my fantasy playoffs
ALRIGHT LET’S DO THIS FUCK THE HOX
My brother is in my seats tonight, and is still hung over from attending the Army-Navy game on Saturday with a bunch of Rangers.
I need Wilson to have a good night so I can make playoffs in my money league. So. Go put big money on the Vikes
I CALL THIS GUY BALLS, ALARM CLOCK AS HE JARS YOU BACK INTO REALITY IN THE MIDDLE OF A DREAM
That shade of green can’t be seen in the ultra violet spectrum. Perfect for avoiding security cams
I’m curious as to whether the defense will get many interceptions tonight. Soccer goalies wear ultra bright colors because they draw the eye of forwards and their shots tend to go towards the goalie.
“Booger, tell us about these disruptive forces up front that we need to watch tonight.”
/cuts to Booger in front of the stands, blocking the view from the field side seats
Folks
I think the seahawks might actually do this….
Provide proof of a second shooter?
Prove steel beams actually melt?
Prove room temperature fussion is possible
Prove that Alantis was real?
This is the 2nd in a series of 3 consecutive, quality prime-time matchups. Plus the Saturday fixtures are at least mildly interesting (especially Chubb v Chubb).
AH! MY EYES! ZE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!
I got the following picture. It was 50x more awesome when he was flying with it, but here you go:
It’s unlikely, but for fantasy purposes, the rotting corpse of the LOB would really help me out if they shut down Thielen and Diggs.
Gee, Balls. You sure did finish your story a bit early there.
Are you…bluish?
Based on a true story.
Just like scotchy’s…
Seahawks win, Vikings check out, Miami beats the Vikes next week and go 8-6, possibly 1 game behind the P*ts for the AFC East.
Because why the hell not?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rimvQ-Hjgvk
hahahahaha!
I don’t get it, balls doesn’t even murder a hobo at the end of his story…
Them lazy Mexicans smh
So today, not more than fifty feet from me, I saw a hawk take flight while carrying a squirrel – A FUCKING SQUIRREL – in its talons. It was so fucking awesome.
I guess that means I’m rooting for the Seahawks tonight.
Last summer saw a hawk trying to get a squirrel under some bleachers. Hawk just missed the squirrel at the start and then couldn’t get close enough when on the ground to get it.
Stand off
Predators (of the natural world varietal) are really fucking impressive. Having seen two cats hunt in “V” formation, I know what you mean.
Oh man that took me a while but oh man oh man oh man.
Holy shit I am going to wake up in the middle of the night laughing hysterically and my wife is going to be so confused.
/actually she won’t be; she’ll be thinking it’s because of Gruden. But she’ll be wrong.
https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/671501d9-98d1-47c1-961b-5c004b1066a7
I’ve changed my mind. Now I want the Steelers to make the playoffs so they’ll have to face the Tribe.
And now, because you guys didn’t file the injunction in the Liberal Ninth Circuit, its time for the latest installment of “Redshirt’s Adventures at Work”:
(three months ago)
Redshirt: “What’s the Doomsday Project?”
Outgoing Employee: “Oh, that hasn’t been done in forever. People ask me to do it, but its impossible. It will take forever!”
(two months ago)
Redshirt: “After I finish this, I’ll get started on the Doomsday Project.”
Coworkers: “Yeah, right. It’ll take forever and it’ll be so much hard work. You won’t finish it.”
(today)
Redshirt: “I finished the Doomsday Project.”
Bosses: “What?! How’d you get it done?!”
Redshirt: “I don’t know. Not bitching about having to do it was a good place to start.”
This story doesn’t end with a shooting spree or hobo murder.
2/10 – would not bang.
Was this to prevent Doomsday or cause it? Asking for a friend.