Good morning commentists wherever you are in the frozen northern hemisphere!
This Premier League season has been a roller coaster of emotions for me as my beloved London Jaguras have been absolutely terrible this campaign. They’ve allowed 53 goals in 24 games. I am not a mathlete but that is not good at all. In an attempt to fix the problem the club fired the manager who got Fulham promoted last year as the start of the season showed no promise and he had no answers at the back. Claudio Rainieri of Foxy Footy fame has taken over and results have been mixed but are improving. They’re starting to pick up points and since I am a sucker I still have hope for the season to be salvaged. I usually get pissed off & quit caring about WHOLE GOD DAMN THING after every loss but I keep coming back because of glimmers of hope. I was jumping around like an idiot when Might Whitey went down 2 nil to Brighton but roared back and banged in 4 so I still believe.
Looking back I enjoyed when Fulham was in the Championship and every week I thought that they could win, whereas in the Prem I pray for an upset to maybe get a point from a big club. I still want Fulham to stay up as it is great seeing them on this stage again but am okay if they go down because playing teams like Rotherham in the small old stadiums is fun as well. Anyway, the transfer window was a disappointment and Fuck Chelsea.
This is going to go in no order and will be all over the place. If you need to know what is on there is a guide button on your remote, use it.
Early games:
Tottenham v Newcastle : Tottenham has had a couple bad weeks and have looked very leaky in their wins. Spurs are out of the Caribou Cup out of the FA Cup and have been sneaking victories at the death. Spurs are 2 points back of Man City and have no Kane, or Dele which is troublesome but Son is back from the Asian Cup so that should help. The Barcodes won last week and I do not think that they have it in them this week. I would appreciate a Spurs victory here.
Getafe v Levante : Shit, Getafe is in 6th. Had no idea.
9 am-ish window :
Eintracht Frankfurt v Borussia Dortmund : German footy is growing on me this year. The way the Bundesliga operates is superb, and the pace of the football is fantastic. I’ve started watching more of it because the speed is faster than the English game and it isn’t as “divey” as other continental leagues.
Chelsea v Huddersfield : I am only supporting the scum for my own benefit.
Seagulls vs Moose Hornets : If no one watches does it even happen?
Burnley v Southampton: See above.
Everton v Wolves : This will be the best match-up of this window with Hippo’s Toffies hosting the Wolverhampton Wanderers Football Club. I still believe their is shady dealings going on with all the Portuguese guys and the shifty agent. I am also jealous of their success. THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE US! With a win Everton can leapfrog Wolves and be up to 7th.
Crystal Palace v Fulham : Must win, no other option. Palace is without Saha so the Fulham back line gets a reprieve.
Later in the morning:
Barcelona v Valencia : The Batmen visit Camp Nou. Barca has a clear lead on Athleti and can afford a slip up but best not get in that habit as Real is heating up.
Juventus plays Parma : Juve hasn’t lost domestically this season. Dominant.
Young Boys v Xamax : Our Young Boys are up 19 points right now. The Super League is in the bag. The first time I saw the opponents name I thought it was Xanax and wondered whether that is where the drug comes from. I am an idiot, but you knew that.
Cardiff v Bournemouth: The Cherries fresh off kicking the shit out of Chelsea look to beat up on the sheep shaggers who are reeling from the death of one of their players. Do your job Bournemouth and bury Neil Warnock’s ass. NBC should get a refund on their money to the premier league because this is a shit fixture to have for the best time slot.
I have been gambling on Mexico footy lately and this week I’ll take Tigres at home and Toluca on the road in a parlay. I also enjoy the cheerleaders, they are a nice touch.
If you have read this far then you may know that up here in Canadia we have started our own Premier league. There will be 7 cities this season competing for the first time. These teams will also play in the Canadian Championship against the 3 MLS teams. This is a huge step for grassroots soccer here in Canada and is timed perfectly for the World Cup 2026. I am a season ticket holder for Cavalry FC here in Calgary and am very excited for the season to begin.
Enjoy the games, see you below as I will be up real early.
Looks like the line moved from -2.5 to -2 and the pats money line moved five bucks. I wonder what one bettor would have to put down for that kind of movement? Happened at 9:27 last night.
https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/super-bowl-2019-someone-put-a-1-5-million-bet-on-the-rams-to-beat-the-patriots/ This maybe?
I haven’t seen the English cheap shot the Irish like that since the Royal Navy shelled the Dublin Post Office in 1916.
“Love all these ‘shelled’-centric jokes, Horatio.”
-Pistachios
THIS SUPERSTORMPOCALYPSE I CALL IT GAIUS SUETONIUS PAULINIUS BECAUSE IT TRIED TO KILL BOUDICA.
/Boudica is the name of one of the, uh, plants that is growing in my garden.
A friendly reminder that Rachel Maddow is insane. This is a transcript about her commenting on the cold temperature in America.
“And it is like -50 degrees in that Dakotas right now. What would happen if Russia killed the power in Fargo today? Alright. What would happen if all the natural gas lines that service Sioux Falls just poofed on the coldest in recent memory and it wasn’t in our power whether or not to turn them back on? What would you do if you lost heat indefinitely as the act of a foreign power on the same that the temperature matched the temperature in Antarctica? What would you and your family do?”
Stay tuned next week when she inevitably argues that Trump and Putin are butt buddies and it is obvious by the fact Trump withdrew from the nuclear treaty with Russia.
Rachel Maddow may be the biggest grifter going right now. Her schtick is unbearable and her show is unwatchable.
Is the American left finally figuring out that fear sells?
I mean, MSNBC isn’t really left. They’re more like Dubbya Republicans
Nah. MSNBC is like this board after two drinks. CNN are where the Republican Resistance ran to when FoxNews fell to the Trumpicans.
She’s become Keith Olbermann?
Lotta white guys in this game.
“I’ll take ‘Monopoly’ for $500, Alex.”
“This joke doesn’t work on so many levels!”
-Alanis Morrisette
England-Ireland about to start in rugby, whilst I frantically Google search for Oliver Cromwell jokes.
Upon your suggestion I’m reading The North Water, about halfway through.
Holy shit this book is a goddamn force of nature.
Right!?
And for the record I do not want to see that movie.
Yep. That falls under the Blood Meridian rule that even if it could be made it really shouldn’t be made.
THIS ITALIAN COMEBACK I CALL IT…uh…uh…hmmm. Shit.
“This comment? Not well done.”
-Al Dente
Scotland really taking it to Italy in Six Nations Rugby.
/waits for Hippo to bemoan taking Italy and the points.
c’mon they is so very swarthy FFS!
I think I’m gonna drop some dough on the “other” Wolf Pack (two words there). -14.5
We scored 14 pts in the 1st half. I thought we had nowhere to go but up.
Then we scored 10pts in the 2nd half.
Holy shit.
It was the equivalent of an NBA side scoring like 35-40.
/Ian can tell us how rare that would be.
//apparently shot 16% from the field
16%? That seems high.
yeah, we sure as fuck did seem high out there
Wish I had been. That was painful to watch. I need to self-medicate.
also CUE THE MUSIC!!!!! cause i’m probably gonna forget to post this tomorrow for the game….
This classic Homestar Runner Sports JAM!!! has been something stupid me and my friends send each other every year around this time….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGYNCCYqGUs
At least I didn’t hear the usual “broadcast on the American Forces Network” promo, so perhaps we didn’t serve that shitburger to our active duty military…
LOL
According to a study I just pulled up regarding suicide rates among veterans, almost 20,000 of them won’t be accessing the American Forces Network anytime soon. #blesstheirhearts
because of all them Ungrateful Negroes taking a knee THANKS OBAMA!!!1111
Who’d have thought that all ISIS needed to do to defeat our military was to start kneeling during the anthem?
24 fucking points. Holy fucking hell, man.
Seriously, that has to be a shot-clock era record.
VaTech ain’t got much to be proud about either. But they still get the 23 point win.
This is just pitiful.
The game I was thinking about-Princeton/GTown ended up 50-49. Them Tigers were completely out-manned talent-wise but Pete Carril’s team was far more disciplined than John Thompson’s. The latter was out-coached by several miles because he assumed that the Princeton players would break under pressure. He was dead wrong…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqhvuxY0tfM
NC State has 20 points, with 8 minutes to play in the second goddamned half.
Hey, we’re up to 22 with 5 to go.
High powered offence for the win. Or for the loss, rather.
smgdh
match like this really illustrates how bad it sucks not to have any walk-ons to finish
This might be the ugliest game I’ve ever watched. And I was a season ticket holder during the Les Robinson years.
he was our coach all 4 years I was there. We always broke 30, IIRC
You poor poor bastard. Now I understand why you are how you are.
LOL…sorry.
yes indeed
Hey, at least you got in for free. I paid to watch that shit.
but at what cost MAH SOUL ,, smgdh
/if you remember a guy near the front always chanting “LES. MUST. GO!” that were me
Hehehehe
Who has 10 thumbs and won’t be ranked next week?
Hippo’s bookie?
he could make a veritable thumb necklace by now
Apparently they are to basketball what the University of North Carolina is to academics.
Antonio Cromartie is back in the news because apparently he now has a predilection for dating anti-vax women. “I can’t afford to be paying 18 years of child support for these kids,” he said. “But I can probably manage eight.”
The best thing about this joke is that, much like anti-vaxxers’ kids, it won’t ever get old.
You’re on fire Rikki. Just like the fevers raging in an anti-vaxxer’s child.
Both of those were stolen, much like any good health that is experienced by anti-vaxxers’ children thanks to the more responsible parents WHO ACTUALLY GET THEIR KIDS VACCINATED AND SUSTAIN THE HERD’S IMMUNITY.
Holy shit thats a great joke
Bahaha
Thank you very much but I can only take credit for adding Antonio Cromartie to it.
today’s SEETHING RAGE feels moar liek:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLUX0y4EptA
Early Superbowl funny:
“Too long, didn’t read.”
-Dexter Manley
“X”
– Lawrence Taylor
I shake the old noggin at certain NFL Films clips that declare that he was an intuitively smart guy that understood the schemes that a younger Bellichick threw at him and therefore could sleep at team meetings.
He was an extraordinary athlete that had a very high motor (this is code for never giving up on plays) and an intense desire to succeed. He exploited pretty much every defensive game-planning gap that existed at the time. And there were quite a few.
He was absolutely intense, and maybe had savvy – but I sure as fuck wouldn’t bet on him being fully literate.
He wasn’t because he never needed to be.
#MURCA!
If only defensive game-planning were the only thing LT exploited.
Was happy to see my Watford side get a point at Bright and Hova L. Bry Ton.
Jay-Z plays lesser footy?
Brighton Hove & Albion sounds like a shitty divorce law firm.
Just went to a polar plunge, where my role was limited to donating money to a soup kitchen, because I like my heart beating, thankyouverymuch.
4 people swam across the river. 3 made it all the way back. 4th got hauled out by his friends. The combination of bun-freezing cold water and priest’s cassock costume doesn’t seem to have been the best idea.
Charity is great and all, but my heart has enough trouble with daily rigoUrs, let alone some kind of voluntary death chill or what have you.
Charity is great. I give her $50 for every lap dance.
“How did $500 disappear from our joint account? Honey, I, uh, gave it to charity “
Once a dancer introduced herself to me as Ecstasy so I told her my name was Apathetic and she didn’t get it.
I’m thinking that Ecstasy had your money on her mind and you were concentrating on her hind.
This tilt takes me back to that special time when Dean Smith tried to kill college basketball. Don’t even get me started on the ‘Four Corners Offense”… Where was I? Oh yeah, a high-scoring Duke team was favored to win at home against the North Carolina Shitheads. The half-time score was 7-0 Duke.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRVmc6dO0g8
No need to watch the vid. I’m throwing it up there in case there be a doubter out there.
When I was a much younger Cornblower I remember a Georgetown final score, in the tournament, of something like 37-35.
Gotta be Princeton.
Could be, but for some reason I think it was SMU or some other Texas school.
I have no idea why I remember this.
When even Dick Vitale is saying that was a soft call in favor of Duke, then it was a soft call.
My theory: Once every few weeks he calls it how most people see it so when we get the inevitable documentary about this life, he can say that he was a lot more stern with Duke than people give him credit for and then you will then see 3-5 minutes of him critiquing Duke.
My Theory: He receives ‘injections’ from a Duke trainer that he was told would make him feel good. The shot is actually a solution that prevents him from criticizing Duke in any way whatsoever. Occasionally the mixture wears off earlier than anticipated and he is jolted back into reality.
/this is the only timeline whereby I feel sorry for the guy
I subscribed to TSN because they are supposed to air lesser and greater footy matches. I cancelled recently because there were weeks that they did not air either, despite games being played. Instead, I’d get Nascar or whatever. Then there were times I’d have lesser footy matches, but they wouldn’t show the better match of that time. Yet, another region (Ontario), would. But what really broke me was that TSN was hyping the NFL playoffs. They didn’t stream the Conference championships on TSN. They gave those rights to CTV. Fuck em.
On a related note, now that reddit streams are dead, where does one go to accidentally stumble into free lesser footy streaming?
I haven’t found a new one yet. Firstrow sports was very virusey.
Firstrow was brutal
VT 5 NCSU 2
Announcer: “THE WOLFPACK REALLY NEED TO MAKE A SHOT!”
VTech and Wolfies are tied at 2 six and a half minutes in. Looks like a Cuse intra-squad skirmish…
Us battered denizens of Los Angeles have barely had a chance to recover from KILLSTORM ’19 and not more than three weeks later we’re right in the midst of SUPERSTORMPOCALPYSE. Will it never end?
“The silly nicknames for intense cold fronts? Nope.”
-Frost Braveman, meteorologist
Our hatches are currently battened down. We await the deluge with grim determination.
“The Sisters Brothers” was made into a movie? I liked the book-anyone seen the movie?
I haven’t seen it yet but definitely will on the HBO or whatever. Cast is really good and I think you’d have to try to fuck that movie up. Book was great.
The Devils of Cardona is in my “Countdown To 35 Books Read in 2019 Challenge” queue. Any others you’d want to rec to me?
The Sympathizer, by Viet Thanh Nguyen. Very good in the beginning, bogs down towards the end but overall a good read. Also, without giving anything away, I think it had to bog down to emphasize the protagonist’s situation, and I’m just an impatient motherfucker.
Currently reading ‘Dark Money’, and while I’ll no doubt finish it, it isn’t good. Very overrated IMO.
Also ‘Devils’ was really fun. Love to see that turned into a movie.
I don’t think I can even think about soccer right now.
/Watches womens AFL replay
That’s right, baby!!
The US men’s soccer tilt vs. Costa Rica is on Fox at 3:30.
GO TICOS GO!!
Wolfies stand a chance vs. Virginny Technical?
yes, we match up quite well methinks
Ah well at least there is the rugby.
No shots on target for Mighty Whitey? Against fookin’ Palace??
So I happened upon this segment from Sixty Minutes:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sy70uRIBcxc
It’s pretty heartbreaking (because you needed that on your Saturday morning, surely). Anyhow, it happened in a place called Tofo, which is a place in Mozambique that I’ve been to a couple of times – once for three weeks. Now it was fifteen years ago that I was there, so it’s possible that it’s changed a lot, but it doesn’t seem like it.
I made the idiotic mistake of reading the comments, but a prevailing sentiment is questioning why on earth someone would every want to visit a third-world off-the-map destination like that. BECAUSE IT’S AN ADVENTURE, YOU JACKASSES.
Bad things can happen to you at any time, anywhere in the world. But I was more afraid of being killed by a falling coconut when I was there than I was of any of the locals.
but but…all those Black ppl!!1111
“I don’t get what the big deal is. Her tits were really small.”
-comment section
Toilet water? Sure!
Rainwater? Sounds delicious!
Fresh water from the tap you just put in my bowl? FUCK OFF DICKFACE.
– my cat
THIS HUDDERSFIELD KEEPER I CALL HIM FORT SUMTER, BECAUSE HE IS GETTING SHELLED!!!!
they keep broadcasting howlers like this one to nudge people into buying NBC Gold
THESE OYSTERS THAT ANDY REID FOUND AT THE BEACH I CALL THEM THIS HUDDERSFIELD KEEPER, BECAUSE THEY ARE ALSO GETTING SHELLED.
action stopped for KITTY ON TEH PITCH on Merseyside
Hazard makes it 3-0. Chelsea have wrapped this up.
If there are local police in Hawaii, what the hell is Hawaii 5.0
Duh. The latest upgrade??? smgdh
found a funny:
Funny how birds visually represent freedom, but are never getting any of my popcorn. Stare all you want you shitty toothless dinosaurs.
and the PK makes it 2-0, Chelsea up.
Nice!
Stupid Chelski. They’re supposed to be in turmoil right now, damnit!
looks like reddit is starting to crack down on soccer streams….. weird
Yeah, it is a moving target, hopefully will resurface elsewhere.
gonna make it hard to peep on our Young Boys, eh?
I thought the problem with Reddit was all the young boys acting like assholes?
It’s bullshit. Lol.
Huddersfield is playing more like Shuddersfield, amirite?
Thank you, thank you, we’ve been short on rotten fruit around here lately. This should do nicely.
Go CHELSEA!!!!!!!
Litre, what happened to the London Jaguars at the transfer window? I’d imagine that the rich Iron Sheikh would lose more money being demoted than spending some cash and getting a couple of decent players.
nobody ever does much bidness in January, though
Yeah, I realize that, but, for the reasons I provided above and given the owner, I figured maybe the mighty whiteys would do a little bit more
good point, it’s just when (per what the Brits tell me) when you show willingness to get involved, sellers just try even harder to fuck you over
Just look at the dire shite Everton ended up with last Jan (Tosun, Walcott)
They are crippling now, we can’t even give them away
We (I am a member) need a CB, ST cover for Mitro. Yet Tony Khan brought in 2 wingers in Babel who is old but has been rather impressive since coming aboard and one of Mitro’s Serbian buddies from Liverpool. Then we brought in a guy who is a defensive mid and Khan tried to play it as a CB.
They can score but are dire at the back.
All of this being said the Iron Sheikh has committed to a new Riverside stand.
So much FOAR Everton and 7th
This recording featured prominently in the movie MASH, (1970)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nC_jf6FUh-U
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hECBzhZ8tYI
Have you and your neighbours been shouting RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! to each other all week?
I have. I’m not sure about the neighbors.
not wearing pants, makes sure they know you are talking FOOTBAW
Only 2 games on offer in Canadia this window because the 2019 TSN All-Star Curling is on 3 of their channels.
Canadia is weird, y’all.
I unsubscribed from TSN due to their stupid use of 5 channels
I can get Mighty Whitey on tsn.ca
likely better than those AIDS streams
Son is keeping the Yid Army from hanging Llorente on the pitch.
My FF team is happy he is back.
the good thing about playing in the Parcells League is you can always draft him late
IS PLACE TO BE! ARRIVE, COMRADES!
Wait there’s no Harry Kane*? What am I even watching for then.
*Also what everyone says after I wax my dick
1st to comment on my own post! Have I been up since 345am? You are god damned right I have. Did I proofread this post in my stoned/tired state? No, no I did not.
VAR should be in the Premier League. I dislike technology but it seemed to work well at the World Cup and elsewhere in Europe.
GOOD ONE HA HA HUH